The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F31 - The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular

Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium- it's "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular.

!" Hello, I'm Troy McClure.

You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as Alien NoseJob, and five fabulous weeks of The Chevy Chase Show.

Tonight, we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.

You'll see long-lost footage never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes old favorites you can't see in syndication.

So join me, won't you, for "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!" The Simpsons D'oh! The Simpsons began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening the already-famous creator of such comics as Damnation, Johnny Reb and True Murder Stories.

In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L.

Brooks and Sam Simon.

And what better place to premiere their creation than on The Tracy Ullman Show- the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers.

On April 19, 1987, America first met The Simpsons.

Well, good night, Son.

- Um, Dad? - Yeah? What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses or is it something tangible? Relax.

What is mind? No matter.

What is matter? Never mind.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Good night, Son.

- Good night, Lisa.

- Good night, Mom.

- Sweet dreams.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Sleep tight.

- I will, Mom.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Bedbugs? Sweet dreams.

We may be the best parents in the world.


Good night, dear.

Good night.

All right.

Climb in.

There's nothing to worry about.

Now everyone, go to sleep.

Good night.


They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons.

Fresh chocolate chip cookies.

Oh! Don't touch those yet.

They're very, very hot.

Aha! No one's around.

The perfect crime.

Yow! Do I smell cookies? Where's the cookies? They're all gone, the whole batch.

Somebody ate those cookies.

Did you eat the cookies, Maggie? I think she's trying to tell us something.

- Go on, Maggie.

- Go on, Maggie.

Go! Go! There's no perfect crime.

Ohh! I've got a great idea.

Let's play Space Patrol.

! I'll be Lee Suey, the devil-may-care rocket pilot.

And Maggie can be Medina, your spunky sidekick.

And you'll be- Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk.

Do I understand you correctly, Bartron? Do you wish me to release you from the Helmet of Evil Thoughts with my enchanted space wand? - Yes! Yes! Yes! - I will do it, Bartron.

But who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed? Oh, no.

Inside the evil Bartron is a horrible, mutant boy.

! We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad the Evil Overlords, get home.

As wacky as those kids were they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed "Homer.

" Wake up, everybody! It's World War III! Quick.

! Down to the fallout shelter.

! The bombs are dropping.

! Eighteen seconds.


If this were really a nuclear war, we'd all be dead meat by now.

Say, you're all shivering.

Are you cold or what? Bart.

! Bart.

! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy.

! Gotta hide.


! Huh.

Where are ya, boy? - Oops.

- Aha! There ya go! Now, that's not so bad, is it? Scrub good now.


Welcome to zee exotic world of undersea explorer Bart Simpseau.

Come with Bart as he dive into zee briny deep searching for the wily and elusive washcloth.

Suddenly, without warning, zee brave boy get more than he bargain for.

Help! Help! Help! Help! Clean as a whistle, Homer.

Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there.

Itchy and Scratchy, Grampa Simpson and Krusty the Clown.

When we return, more classic moments- and, for the first time on TV our private reel of Simpsons outtakes including the alternate endings to, "Who Shot Mr.

Burns?" The cash register says, "N.




" Just one of the hundreds of radical, right-wing messages inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening.

Over the six years The Simpsons has been on the air we've received dozens of letters from fans wanting to know more about the show.

Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions.

Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes: "I think Homer gets stupider every year.

" That's not a question, professor.

But we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.

Hello, my name is Mr.


- I believe you have a letter for me.

- Okay, Mr.


- Uh, what's your first name? - I don't know.

Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.

"Ooh! Look at me.

I'm making people happy.

"I'm the magical man from Happy Land in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.

" Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Well, duh.

Yabba-dabba-doo! Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history From the town of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut tree Hey, guys.

Look what I smuggled aboard.

Homer, no! - Huh? - They'll clog the instruments! - Careful! They're ruffled! - I'll take care of this.

Ahh- Mmm.

Ants! No TV and no beer make Homer something something.

- Go crazy? - Don't mind if I do! Dr.

Linus Irving of the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Institute writes: "How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw an entire Simpsons episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source.

Get outta my office! Of course, what Matt meant to say according to his attorneys, is that he couldn't possibly do it alone and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone who makes The Simpsons possible.

Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes: "What is the real deal with Mr.

Burns's assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about.

" Of course we do.

- The preparations for your birthday have begun.

- I won't get what I really want.

No one does.

Happy birthday, Mr.

Smithers Mmm.

- People like dogs, Mr.


- Nonsense.

Dogs are idiots.

Think about it, Smithers.

If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Mmm.

If you did it, sir? - I'll, uh, print you out a copy.

- Thanks.










Um, you probably should ignore that.


I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers.

You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window? Ahh.

As you can see, the real deal with Waylon Smithers is that he's Mr.

Burns's assistant.

He's in his early 40s, is unmarried, and currently resides in Springfield.

Thanks for writing.

We'll be right back.

If you said "Bleeding Gums" Murphy and Dr.

Marvin Monroe you are wrong- they were never popular.

Right about now you're probably saying "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode.

You can't show me anything new.

" You've got some attitude, mister.

Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes episodes run long and certain scenes never get aired.

So, fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever are the cutout classics.

When Krusty the Clown got canceled- he tried everything to stay on the air.

Here's what you didn't see.

If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me in a variety of sexually explicit positions.

What? Oh.

Hey! It's not really me.

I used a stunt butt.

Krusty, we're from the network.

We have some bad news.

- I'm afraid your show's been canceled.

- I thought this would happen.

I just hope you replace me with something as educational and uplifting as I tried to be.

Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Akins.

Can I play "Hemorrhoid Sufferer Number One"? - Ooh! Oh, that hurts! Aah! Oh, is there no relief? - I don't think so.

Well, how about one of the "after" guys? Ahh! Oh, that's better.

- I can ride a bike again! - Sorry.


When Springfield legalized gambling Homer became a blackjack dealer and comedy was "in the cards.

" Twenty.

Your move, Mr.


I'll take a hit, dealer.


You were supposed to take those out of the deck.

- Oh, sorry.

Here's another one.

- What is this card? - "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?" - What a pity, Mr.


But-Well, it was Homer's fault.

I didn't lose.

I never lose.

Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination.

I'm not going to fall for that one again.

Earlier this year, Homer's long-lost mother returned and so did a long-lost care package.


Homer, please.

You don't have to wolf down that 25-year-old candy - just to make me happy.

- But it won't make you unhappy, right? Hey! Space food sticks! Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure.

Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom? Oh, sure.

I read all about it.

I mean- It was national news.

Do you still work for NASA? - No, I work at the nuclear power plant.

- Oh, Homer.

Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard.

Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside.

When Homer sold his soul for a doughnut he found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to be in these never-before-broadcast scenes.

Mm, lawyers, lawyers, lawyers- Ooh, Lionel Hutz! "Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free.

" Hmm.

I'd sell my soul for a Formula One racing car.

That can be arranged.

Changed my mind.


- Cool.

- Bart, stop pestering Satan! Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson, and not of the devil.

- Ohh.

- Yea! Whoo-hoo! Ow! Well, I didn't win.

Here's your pizza.

- But we did win.

- That's okay.

The box is empty.

If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes.

Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened.

And here's a scene you didn't see.

I'm hoping you enjoy this movie.

It made every Indian critic's Top 400 list.

This movie you rented sucks.

No, it doesn't.

It's funny.

Their clothes are different from my clothes.

Look at what they're wearin'.

A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr.


In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son.

- Watch.

- Bart, you're coming home.

I want to stay here with Mr.


I suggest you leave immediately.

Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead.

Do your worst! My worst, eh? Smithers release the robotic Richard Simmons.

Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns! Come on, girls.

Shake, shake, shake.

Smithers, it's out of control.

I'll take him out, sir.

His ass is gonna blow! This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of"Who Shot Mr.

Burns?" Then they found out it was the baby.

To keep this bombshell secret the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air.

And to keep the show's animators, editors staff and hangers-on from leaking the solution two completely different endings were produced.

One real, one phony.

Here's the ending you were never meant to see.

The one who shot me was- Waylon Smithers! No-o! Wait a minute.


With the sun-blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world.

So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth.

I feel like celebrating.

Oh, it's you.

What are you so happy about? - I see.

- Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

Or so I thought.

At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur lurched out of the darkness and fired.

! That's right.

Right before I shotJasper.


I was busy that night.

Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid.

But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.

Then, with your last ounce of strength you pointed to "W" and "S".

Waylon Smithers! I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered and we can all get back to normal.

Not exactly.

Smithers, for attempting to kill me I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

Ohh! But, of course, for that ending to work you would have to ignore all the Simpson D.




And that would be downright nutty.

Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts.

Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hard-core nudity! Shh!