The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F02 - Sideshow Bob Roberts

Sideshow Bob Roberts No sports, no rock No information For mindless chatter We're your station KBBL talk radio.

Now Springfield's favorite conservative author of well-selling book Only Turkeys Have Left Wings ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow.

That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot.

He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity.

Can you believe that? Yeah, switch the station.

I consider myself politically correct.

His views make me uncomfortable.

No, no, no, guys.

Now, I'm not very political.

I usually think people who vote are a bit fruity.

But for some reason, this Birch Barlow really speaks to me.

Good morning, freedom-likers.

Birch Barlow, the fourth branch of government, the 51st state.

You know, there are three things we'll never get rid of in Springfield: One, the bats in the public library.

Two, Mrs.

McFearley's compost heap.

And three, our six-term mayor the illiterate, tax-cheating, pot-smoking spend-o-crat Diamond Joe Quimby.

Hey, I am no longer illiterate.

Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask O reasonable listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed "tree-huggers" who'd rather play Hacky Sack than lock up the homeless.

This sounds awfully controversial.

Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.

I don't like him either but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project.

You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects.

Well, I'm doing a school project on fireworks.

Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.

Now, as a special sendoff and a way to say to our visiting Chinese principals Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display.

- Cool.

- Cool.

What a week.

He promise a big firework display.

- Bad student.

- Bad principal.

So, my friends, let's just junk those dumb-o-crats and their bleeding-heart smell-fare program.

I had to listen to this jerk all morning.

Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station.

When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station.

I can't take this anymore.

Let's switch back.

Let's go to the phones.

First up is Bob from South Springfield.

- Welcome to you, sir.

- Hello, Birch.

Long-time listener, first-time caller.

Kudos for bringing the "public" back to the Republican Party.

It's time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie Bible-Thumps or even, God forbid, George Bushes.

That sounds like Sideshow Bob.

Yes, ma'am.

Sideshow Bob, yakking it up on the old yak box.

I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Bob is.

Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick.

But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail.

When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her.

Oh, Sideshow Bob.

Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio.

It's time for more dementia with Dr.


And now the Funny 5 I meant your other mortal enemy.

Sideshow Bob.

Sideshow Bob? I'm only 10, and I already got two mortal enemies.

And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.

What's in it for us? Give us something we like, or we'll ride you out of town on a rail.

Well, what do you people like? - Sleep.

- Sexy dames, and plenty of them.

Matlock! Well, I suppose I could name it the Matlock Expressway.

But it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spiky-haired little simpleton.

Myopic or, to say the least, intransigent.

Now, you mentioned some woes there.

Well, you see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated.

Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit.

Attempted murder.

Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they? Oh, really.

Now, this is a personal call.

Now, my friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here railroaded by our liberal justice system.

Just like Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel.

Well, I've had it.

I am gonna make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.

No! Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.

My friends, Bob is a political prisoner.

I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail.

All right, you heard the man.

One grenade each.

Moe, I think he meant through nonviolent, grassroots political action.

Oh, Jeez.

Really? You think so? All right, give them back.

Come on.

Everybody, give them back.


Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one? Very well, if that is the way the winds are blowing let no one say I don't also blow.

Free Bob! By special order of the mayor of Springfield you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon.

Congratulations, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger.

- Boat's on the other side.

- Yes, thank you.

Hail, brothers.

Now, then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us.

If we hope to defeat Joe Quimby we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy.

A true leader who will do exactly as he's told.

Monty, I'm way ahead of you.

If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.


Very nice.

- What did it say? - No, no.


Bob, come in.

A fine mahoq to you all.

Why, he's even better.

I agree.

I like the human touch.

I want you on your best behavior for this choreographed media event.

There is to be no wising off no face-making and no grass-eating.

This means you, Ralph.

- Yes, sir.

- Hello, children.

Hello, Bart.

Friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby, is confused about your school system.

Do you know what he does? He flip-flops.

Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

He wants to sell your future short.

Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight.

We'll have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.

I can do that.

Help! I'm being attacked by things.

Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have.

More important than coal? Yes.

Oh, that was a big mistake, Bart.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Stay out of Riverdale.

Without Mayor Quimby Our town would really stink We wouldn't have a tire yard Or a mid-sized roller rink We wouldn't have our gallows Or a shiny Bigfoot trap It's not the mayor's fault That the stadium collapsed Quimby.

If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.

Paid for by the Mayor Quimby Committee.

Hey, four-eyes, vote Quimby.

Hey, beard-o, vote Quimby.

This time, he's the lesser of two evils.

Yeah, yeah, I love Grimby.

Could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude? All right.

The mummy's ready for his mystical journey.

What's happening? That Quimby fella promised to build us a Matlock Expressway.

How you gonna top that, smart guy? Well, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.

Hot diggety damn.

Me first! Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield.

Weren't much on the air then.

Just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over.

"A," he'd say.

Then "B.

" "C" would usually follow.

Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons.

Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob a man twice convicted of attempted murder.

Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor.

The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield mayoral debates.

I'm your moderator, Larry King.

Now a word to our audience.

Even though we're being broadcast on Fox there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.

I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.

I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there.

Don't worry.

He's taken a million of these capsules.

Sideshow Bob, Councilman Les Wynan says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor.

Sir, what do you have to say about that? I'd say that Les Wynan ought to do more thinking and less whining.

- There's no Councilman Les Wynan.

- Good line, though.

Mayor Quimby, you are well known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime.

But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths.

You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob.

- What is your question? - My question's about the budget.

I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.

Well, he framed me for armed robbery but, man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.

And the results are in.

For Sideshow Bob, 100 percent.

For Joe Quimby, 1 percent.

And we remind you, there is a 1-percent margin of error.

All right, let's go live to Bob headquarters now for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.

And just look how happy he is.

It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes.

So sorry, Mr.


Your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway.

Now, I am a fair man.

You will have 72 hours to vacate.

At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.

Homer, we've got to stop them.

I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigager and no one in my family's gonna stand for it.

Move your goddurn house, son.

Bart, by special request of the mayor's office, you are going to be left back.

You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade? Well, yes.

But not for four or five years.

Bart, you're going to kindergarten.

Kindergarten? Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is? - Triangle.

- Very good, Bart.

You have first choice of toys for free play.


I call the Flintstone phone.

I like talking to you.

We're gonna lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls.

I don't think Bob won that election legally.

I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.

Here you go.

The results of last month's mayor election.

All 48,000 voters and who each one of them voted for.

I thought this was a secret ballot.

Okay, Aaron A.

Aaronson voted for Bob.

Aaron L.

Aaronson voted for Bob.

Arthur B.

Ablabab voted for Bob.

Whoever wrote that note wants to meet us here tonight? This is so cool, Bart.

We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.

Except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie Comics.

Stuck-up Riverdale punks.

Think they're too good for me.

You're on the right track.

Follow the names.

How the hell do you know? I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign.

Hey, Mr.

Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

I've never gone behind Mr.

Burns' back before but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views conflict with my choice of lifestyle.

All I can do is give you one name.

Edgar Neubauer.

Find him, and you'll find your answer.

No Edgar Neubauer.

This is hopeless.

They're gonna demolish our house for sure.

We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6.

But Dad can't afford 6 dollars a night.



Lis, come here.

I found him.

I found Edgar Neubauer.

Oh, my God.

The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican.

No, Bart.

Don't you see? Dead people can't vote.

Look, "Prudence Goodwyfe.

Died, 1641.

" She voted for Bob too.

So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper.

Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob.



And Mrs.

Bananas, Humphrey Boa-gart.

Oh, my poor dead kitty, please, not you too.

All right, Bob, now it's personal.


He did try to kill me.


Mayor, is it true you rigged the election? No, I did not.

Kids, help.

Oh, I don't mind.

We want these children to feel justice has been served.

That way, they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent motel pillows.

Well, Bart, Lisa, here I am.

I have a plan.

I think we can trap him.

You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent.

- Indeed, I am.

- Because we all know you're a naive pawn, puppet, if you will of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known: Birchibald T.

Barlow! Wait You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you? - You were just Barlow's lackey.

- You were Ronnie to his Nancy.

- Sonny to his Cher.

- Ringo to his rest of the Beatles.

Enough! Lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! There.

Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards? - We want the truth.

- You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

No truth-handler, you.

I deride your truth-handling abilities.

- Will you get to the point? - Yes.

Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud.

And I have the records to prove it.

Here, just look at these.

Each one a work of Machiavellian art.

- But why? - Because you need me, Springfield.

Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic.

But deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king.

That's why I did this.

To protect you from yourselves.

Now, if you don't mind, I have a city to run.

- Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest.

- What? Oh, yes, all that stuff I did.

Bart, we did it.

Now we get to keep our house and you get to go back to the fourth grade.

Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.

- The spoon, Bart.

- Of course.

Someday, I'll have my vengeance.

Someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool.

- Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie.

- Bob, come along.

We need an eighth to row against the Princeton alums.

Princeton? Stroke.