The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F01 - Itchy & Scratchy Land

Itchy and Scratchy Land Thanks, kids.

Now I'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment.


This week is the grand opening of Itchy & Scratchy Land.

The violentest place on Earth.

And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket prices in half.

Kids, you heard the cartoon rat.

If you haven't already run to your parents begging to go, do it now.

You won't miss anything funny.

I'll just be sitting here reading this grownups� newspaper.

Go now.

Dad, remember how you said that going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive? Oh, everything's too damn expensive these days.

Look at this Bible I just got, 15 bucks.

And talk about a preachy book.

Everybody's a sinner, except for this guy.

But now Itchy & Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in half.

Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? Take it, Lis.

- Can we? - No, no, no.

Ask your mother.

- Mom, guess what.

- We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land.


I've already planned our vacation.

We're going to the Highway 9 bird sanctuary.

I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

It's shaped like a diner.

And it's on this really tall pole.

Mom, Dad, Bart's dead! That's right.

Dead serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land.

You know, Itchy & Scratchy Land isn't just for kids.

They have a place called Parents' Island.


Dancing, bowling, fashionable shops, over 100 bars and saloons and a world-class chemical-dependency center.

TV Town.

Hammock Land! "Recipe-related bumper cars.

" Wait a minute.

I'm not sure about this.

Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed.

We have a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left.

You have to promise me that this isn't gonna happen this time.

- Embarrassed? What do you mean? - Well, our trip to the Amish country.

Oh, yes.

Hey, look, Marge.

They're still not fighting back.

I can be a jerk and no one can stop me.

Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach.


Sharkboy! This year I want us to do things together as a family.

And get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.

Don't worry, Mom.

We'll make you proud of us.

Lobster hat, fishnet Speedo Jr.

, wheelie shoes invisible-dog leash.

Well, I'm packed.

Remember, every morning, give a bowl of kibble to Santa's Little Helper.

Do you want me to write this down? No.

I ain't senile, dad blast it.

- Okay, bye-bye.

- Bye, Grampa.

Wait a minute.

What was that last thing you said? Grampa's Little Helper? What's that? Which one of you is the mailman? Okay, let's make a pact.

This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we'll all agree to disband and join other families.


The interstate.

Fasten your seatbelts, kids.

We're on our way to Itchy & Scratchy Land.

Don't worry.

I've got an ace up my sleeve.

Now to absorb some local color through the magic of AM radio.

The book of Revelation tells us to watch for the seven signs of evil.

Sign of evil number four Continuing our sign-of-evil countdown, here's Vanessa Williams.

Haven't we stood in five different states long enough? No.

We better find a motel and stop for the night.

We don't need to do that, Marge.

I'm not tired.

I'm not tired at all.

Glad that wasn't us.

North, south.

Nuts to this.

- I'm gonna take a shortcut.

- Homer, no.

You're gonna get lost.

Trust me, Marge.

With today's modern cars, you can't get lost.

What with all the silicon chips and such.

All right, we're here.

Let us never speak of the shortcut again.

Now remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.

We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy & Scratchy Land.

The amusement park of the future where nothing can possib-lie go wrong.

Possibly go wrong.

That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

One adult and four children.

Do you want to buy some Itchy & Scratchy money? - What's that? - Money that's made for the park.

It works just like regular money, but it's fun.

- Do it, Dad.

- Well, okay.

If it's fun.

Let's see.

I'll take $ 1100 worth.

- Cool, that is neato.

- Oh, wow.


Such a violent motif.

Yeah, but it's just pretend violence, which is actually beneficial for children.

There's no need to murmur, ma'am.

Here at Itchy & Scratchy Land we're just as concerned about violence as you are.

That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.

When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out the cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe.

In the next scene, the cat's breathing comfortably.

Just like in real life.

Hey, look over there.

- A brain burger with extra pus, please.

- Bart.

- Eyeball stew.

- Homer.

We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

I was just ordering a cheeseburger.

They have violent names for everything here.

Oh, I see.

All right.

- I'll have the baby guts.

- Lady, you disgust me.

Mom, that's veal.

- You sure she'll have fun here? - Of course.

Babies love the ball room.

Torture Land, Explosion Land Searing Gas Pain Land, Unnecessary Surgery Land.

Oh, look.

It's the 12 noon robot parade.

Hurry up or we'll have to wait for the 12:05 parade.

Wow, this is so much like my dreams, it's scary.

Look at that cute little baby ax.

It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.

Dirty, maybe.

Dangerous, hardly.

These are state-of-the-art animatronic robots.

They have sensors that ensure they only attack each other, never the guests.

See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your robot never worked.

This is just what I was hoping for, spending the day together as a family.

You know, part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals.

Parents' Island? I'm sure we'll appreciate each other more when we meet up at dinner.

Are you kids gonna be all right? Kids? It is the '70s.

Right down to the smallest detail.

Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.

Yeah, "looks like.

" Look at all this great stuff, Lis.


Personalized plates.

Barclay, Barry, Bert Bort? Come on.

"Bort"? - Mommy, buy me a license plate.

- No.

Come along, Bort.

- Are you talking to me? - No.

My son is also named Bort.

- Who are all these characters? - You're too young to remember the short-lived Itchy & Scratchy & Friends Hour.

They had to have friends.

There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam.

Oh, yeah.

They weren't very funny.

I don't know.

Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

Welcome to T.



McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve.

Here we go again.

Three, two, one.

It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.

Please kill me.

Roger Meyers Sr.

, the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world.

And he in return was beloved by the world except in 1938, when he was criticized for his controversial cartoon "Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors.

" Among his proudest achievements was the full-length musical Scratchtasia.

Hey, Ma, I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter.

No flash photography, please.

Roger Meyers� next full-length feature was the wildly successful Pinitchio.

Now, you be a good Pinitchio, and don't you lie.

I promise I will never hurt you.

I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us.

- Wanna get a snow cone? - Okay.

So, Mr.

Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do you? Don't do it, Bart.

I just wanted to entertain.

Can you believe I keep getting away with this? Officer.

Mop-and-bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator.

Another jumper on the roof of T.




We need more Bort license plates in the gift shop.

I repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.

I really wish they wouldn't scream.

- Dad? - I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt.

- Yeah.

There's just no way to resist it, is there? I want all five T-shirts to say "best vacation ever.

" Attention, Marge Simpson.

Your son has been arrested.

I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.

Attention, Marge Simpson.

We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

I'm so embarrassed, I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.

- Okay, throw her in the hole.

- Please.

It was just a figure of speech.

You've got to listen to me.

Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.

- How much time do we have, professor? According to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.

Oh, I forgot to carry the one.

- I have nothing to say to you.

- But, Marge, I was a political prisoner.

- How are you a political prisoner? - I kicked a giant mouse in the butt.

Do I have to draw you a diagram? Oh, for gosh sakes.

What now? Hey, look.

This one's coming on to me.



You're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend.

Lisa, don't contradict your elders.

My hair.

You chopped off my hair.

Oh, God, I'm ugly.

I knew we should've gone to the bird sanctuary.

I need the biggest seed bell you have.

No, that's too big.

A chopper.

We're saved.

Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering.

When you get to hell, tell them Itchy sent you.

Oh, my.

It looks like we're doomed.

Back, you robot.

Nobody ruins my family vacation but me.

And maybe the boy.

Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits.

- What are you, the narrator? - Just keep taking pictures.

I'll get more cameras! Smashy-smashy.

I don't approve of that.

Hey, mouse.

Say cheese.

With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

Die, bad robots.

Die! - With a dry, cool wit like that - Who'd think that visiting Itchy & Scratchy Land would be our best vacation ever? - Yeah, best ever.

- Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed.

Not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.

But, Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation.

It brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors and we have so many memories.

You know, you're right.

This truly was the best vacation ever.

Now, let us never speak of it again.

As Roger Meyers Jr.

, the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots.

And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes.

- There are five of us.

- Here are two free passes.

- That's better.

- Man, if this is happening here I hate to think what's happening in Euro-Itchy & Scratchy Land.


Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business.

Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced.

My children need wine.

I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you.

But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.

No, Mom.

He's right.


Oh, my.

Lisa, go to your room.