Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
2F32 - Round Springfield
Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain he has a new court-ordered sidekick Ms.
Let's get some dinner after the show.
[WHISTLE BLOWING] I have dinner with all my employees.
Right, Sideshow Mel? We've never spoken outside of work.
[LAUGHING] I'm surprised he didn't blame his problems on his Percodan addiction.
Wasn't my fault.
It was the Percodan.
If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain.
And now a word from my new sponsor.
Percodan?! Oh, crap! Bart, are you ready for your history test? You bet, Mom.
Ask me anything.
Who was George Washington Carver? Um The guy who chopped up George Washington? Really? Wow.
- Bart, you said you were going to study.
- Oh! My stomach.
- You just don't wanna take that test.
- No, I mean it.
It really hurts.
Mom, I think he's serious.
Kids are so naive.
Lisa, when you get to be our age, you'll learn a few things.
Like when a sign says, "Do not feed the bears" man, you'd better not feed the bears.
Now, get to school, boy.
Krabappel, I can't take the test.
I have a stomachache.
Well, that's a lame excuse for an excuse.
Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble.
Read page six of the school charter.
"No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies.
" We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake.
MILHOUSE: Hey, cool, there's a rabbit in here.
Krabappel, I'm done failing the test.
Can I please go to the nurse? Gosh, maybe you really are in pain.
Well, it would be cruel not to let you go.
[HUMMING] Now you may go.
Lunchlady Doris, why are you here? Budget cuts.
They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Look, my stomach really hurts.
All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids.
Your choice: Manic-Depressive Mouse or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.
[MOANS] Superintendent Chalmers, meet our new school nurse, Lunchlady Doris.
Nice to see you.
Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Well, in many cases, the floor is the best Oh, look, here comes Lumpy, the school snake.
KIDS: Help! Help! Oh, Lord.
Don't worry, son.
You'll be fine.
This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst which will make it easier to find once I get in there.
[LAUGHING] Man, these are primo seats.
I could really go for a hot dog.
Homer, this is an operation.
- Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! - Woo-hoo! Okay, Bart, I will count to three, and you will be sound asleep.
One, two, three.
- Out like a light.
[SCREAMS] RIVIERA: Oopsie.
Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs.
Hey, I smell gas.
How's my special little guy? How you feeling, big brother? Oh, this is wonderful.
BART: No thanks to you, Homer.
- Why, you little [GAGGING] Now, Homer, please.
The boy's just had a very serious operation.
Now, Bart, I found the culprit: A jagged, metal cereal O.
I got this cool scar.
And I get to miss a week of school.
Hibbert, can I have my appendix out? [CHATTERING] [LAUGHS] Why not.
Follow me, kids.
Nurse, prep these children.
[CHEERING] I'm glad you're okay, Bart.
[SAX OPHONE PLAYING] Bleeding Gums Murphy.
It's good to see you again.
It's been a long time.
My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
How'd you get a name like that? Let me put it this way.
You ever been to the dentist? - Yeah.
- Not me.
I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.
- What are you here for? - My brother just had his appendix out.
- Is he gonna be okay? BART: Hello, I'm Dr.
I'm doing my rounds, and I'm a little behind.
He'll be fine.
Lisa, I sure am glad you dropped by.
You're the first visitor I've had.
- What about your family? - I don't really have a family.
All I had was a little brother who grew up to become a doctor.
He used to laugh at the most inappropriate times.
[LAUGHS] I've got an older brother that I'll never see.
He's a jazz musician or some such.
It must be awful to be all alone in the world.
Well, I always had my music.
I learned at the feet of Blind Willy Witherspoon.
I've been playing jazz for 30 years, and I just can't make a go of it.
I want you to have my saxophone.
This isn't a saxophone, it's an umbrella.
So I've played a umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anybody tell me? - We all thought it was funny.
- That's not funny.
Then I got my big break.
I was on Steve Allen's Tonight! show.
Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry.
Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat How I wonder where you at I really love the way you cook Like me, when I wrote this book How to Make Love to Steve Allen.
From the author of Happiness Is a Naked Steve Allen Journey to the Center of Steve Allen and The Joy of Cooking Steve Allen.
MURPHY: I cut my first and only album, Sax on the Beach.
But then I spent all my money on my $ 1500-a-day habit.
I'd like another Faberg� egg, please.
- Sir, don't you think you've had enough? - I'll tell you when I've had enough! LISA: When was the last time you worked? In '86, when I did a guest shot on The Cosby Show.
Meet Grandpa Murphy.
But we have three grandpas already.
This one is a great jazz musician.
They all are.
You see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage.
With their hipping and the hopping and the bipping and the bopping.
So they don't know what the jazz is all about.
You see, jazz is like a Jell-O Pudding Pop.
Actually, it's more like Kodak film.
Actually, jazz is like the New Coke.
It'll be around forever.
Wow, you've had some career.
Although the moral seems to be that a life of jazz leaves you sad and lonely.
Well, before you came to visit, I would have agreed with you.
This just in: Krusty the Clown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe his theme park is a deathtrap and that he's marketing videos of Tonya Harding's wedding night.
I contend the tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.
What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal? To prove that this metal O is harmless, I will personally eat one.
See? There's nothing [SCREAMING] Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides! Krusty, that wasn 't the metal one.
That was a regular Krusty- O.
- So you all set for your recital? - I sure am.
I stopped brushing my teeth so I can play just like you.
Lisa, honey, music comes from what's in your heart, not what's on your teeth.
Come on, let's jam.
[SINGING "JAZZMAN" BY CAROLE KING] Hey, Moe, what will you give me for an A.
Chip? Barney, this is a five-minute chip.
It's worth a Pabst.
Baby, you are gonna knock them dead.
[COUGHS] Here, take this for luck.
Your sax! Thank you so much.
Now, I have learned that most of the orchestra is having their appendixes removed.
So without further ado, I give you the remnants of the Springfield Elementary School orchestra.
On saxophone, Lisa Simpson.
On triangle, Martin Prince.
And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum.
[PLAYING FLUTE] That's some nice fluting.
They'll play "Stars and Stripes Forever.
" Hopefully not forever.
[CROWD BOOING] This sucks.
[PLAYING SOLO] [CHEERING] Hey, Bleeding Gums, I was great! And I owe it all to What happened to Mr.
Murphy? I'm sorry.
He passed away.
[CRYING] Lisa, honey, are you gonna be okay? Bleeding Gums was my hero, and I never got to tell him how I felt.
Oh, I'm sure he knew.
And I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.
But he was the only person who had the same love for music that I do.
Oh, Dad, why did he have to die? Well, it's like the time that your cat, Snowball, got run over.
- Remember, honey? - Yeah.
What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Oh, Dad! [CRYING] Oh.
I blew it again.
Hey, Lis, you still upset about that jazz guy? If it helps, I believe that after you die you can come back as whatever you want.
- I'll be a butterfly.
- How come? Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.
[LAUGHING] I didn't burn down the school.
It was the butterfly, I tell you.
The butterfly! He's crazy, boys.
Get the Taser.
[BART LAUGHING] Maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom.
Death stalks you at every turn.
- Well, it does.
[SCREAMING] There it is.
Death! It's only Maggie.
[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.
You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks.
So [SCREAMS] Death! - That's only the cat.
[SCREAMS] - Death! - That's Maggie again, Grampa.
Where were we? Death! How come it won't stop hurting? Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies.
And Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you.
But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them.
If you really want to preserve his memory I recommend getting a tattoo.
It preserves the things you love.
"Starland Vocal Band"? They suck! Death! - Isn't anybody gonna show up? - Well, Lisa, we've waited an hour.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to Blood and Guts Murphy No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy.
Anyway, Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player Saxophone! He was a jazz musician.
You didn't know him.
Nobody knew him.
But he was a great man.
And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy.
And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog.
Homer, this is a cemetery.
- Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! - Woo-hoo! What do you do, follow my husband around? Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Good news, Bart.
The Krusty-O Cereal Corp has settled your case for $ 100,000, less, of course, my legal fees.
What kind of legal fees? Well, for a case this complex I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers.
Ronald Chaporo, trial attorney.
Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.
How much of the 100 thou do I get? Five hundred dollars? - Yes, well - Cool.
Glad you're happy.
I can't believe it.
Five hundred bucks! Just think what I can do with that money.
Five hundred dollars on red.
DEALER: The winner is black.
[PEOPLE GROANING] Cool.
I wanna honor Bleeding Gums' memory, but I don't know where to start.
Maybe you could get the local jazz station to do a tribute to him, huh? Jazz.
They just make it up as they go along.
I could do that.
[HUMMING "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"] - That's "Mary Had a Little Lamb.
" - Okay, then this: [HUMMING "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"] That's the same thing.
- You replaced "dees" with "do's.
" - D'oh! I have a request.
I'd like you to do a tribute to Bleeding Gums Murphy.
I'd love to, little sister, but we don't have his album.
- What if I could find it? - I'd spin it.
But ain't no one gonna hear it.
Our broadcast range is only 23 feet which makes us the most powerful jazz station in the entire U.
Gee, your station has a lot of problems.
Tell me about it.
Just look at our morning guy.
This is "Moleman in the Morning.
" Good Moleman to you.
Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.
Two hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that album to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.
He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so? [GROANS] Where am I gonna get $500? Now drive, Smithers.
Excuse me, my good man, I have $500 to blow.
- What have you got? - Behold the ultimate Pog.
I'll take it.
Lisa, look what I've got.
Ta-da! Bart, I can't believe it.
But why? When I said my stomach hurt, you were the only one who believed me.
Oh, thank you.
But $500 You'll never see that much money again.
Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.
I got the album.
You can listen to it on this.
[STATIC ON RADIO] I did the best I could, Bleeding Gums.
[THUNDER CRACKLING] [GASPS] [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] WOMAN [OVER POLICE RADIO]: Attention, all units.
Attention, all units.
Poison- gas cloud heading for [STATIC ON RADIO] [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] That's nice.
Hey, it's getting cloudy.
[COUGHING] Oh, boy.
[HORN HONKING] That was for you, Bleeding Gums.
You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa.
You must avenge my death, Kimba.
I mean, Simba.
Luke, I am your father.
This is CNN.
Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying goodbye to Lisa.
I don't want you to go.
Sorry, but I have to.
Oh, what the heck.
Once more, from the top.
[CHEERS] [SINGING "JAZZMAN" BY CAROLE KING] LISA: One more time! MURPHY: Oh, come on, Lisa.
I got a date with Billie Holiday.