Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
2F18 - Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
Looking good, Springfield.
In today's news, a 2-ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo.
But zoo officials were quick to act and Petunia, as she is known, is safely back in captivity.
In other news, a 3-ton rhino that escaped from the zoo last week is still at large.
All right, who broke my vase? Who took my tests off the refrigerator and tore them up? Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance to? Oh, please.
This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.
If it wasn't you, then who was it? I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now, did they? Did they? I guess Bart's not to blame.
He's lucky too because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering.
I don't know why you're so energetic today but prepare to be worn out.
What's wrong, boy? Getting tired? I think there's really something wrong with Santa's Little Helper.
He was up barking all night and dug up the back yard worse than ever.
- My bongo drums! - My strobe light! My Best of Ray Stevens, featuring "The Streak," album.
So it was the dog that buried all our stuff.
Yes, the dog.
Oh, my God! He's got the precious cable-TV cable! Always use fresh macaroni.
If the box rattles, throw it away.
Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties.
Please do not panic.
Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.
Do not attempt sexual relations as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Well, I'll be damned.
We're having a problem with our dog.
I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else.
I'm sorry if your dog went blind, but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not me.
No, our dog is out of control.
He's wild, destructive and has little or no respect for authority.
Let me try a canine-human mind meld.
It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me and three other clerks at this store.
Need change in life like imported leather leash blue contact lenses 200-volt-shock training collar.
Well, problem solved.
- Homer, hold on to the wheel! - You got it.
Hey! Don't worry.
We'll catch him or run him over trying.
He's headed to the greyhound racing track where we found him.
Don't worry, when they find out he doesn't have money they'll throw him out.
Believe me, I know.
This place is so big.
Do you think we should split up and look for him, Homie? - Homie? - Two bucks to win on number eight.
And have you seen my beloved dog? Give me the ticket.
We can't lose.
Look at the name of the dog I bet on.
"She's the Fastest.
" I don't think that means, necessarily And they're off.
She's the Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead.
You're lucky you got looks, Marge.
Around the far turn, it's She's the Fastest.
Followed by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three.
Yes! Come on, you little horse! And they're in the home stretch.
It's Wait! Another dog is on the track.
- Santa's Little Helper! - The mystery dog gaining fast on the outside.
Of course, he could never win this race.
Or could he? What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it.
Come on, boy! You can do it! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end.
This is the end of dog racing.
I think they're in love.
So that's what's been wrong with the little fella.
He misses casual sex.
- Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom? - Please? - But she's not our dog.
- She's yours now.
Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.
Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship? Lady, you're all right.
Okay, you can go out and play.
But no more you-know-what in front of the house, all right? Hey! What did I just say? Take it.
It fell on the floor.
Hey, boy, you wanna play fetch? Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team.
But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
- Don't ever say that word again.
- Well, that's what she is.
I looked it up.
Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.
Feels like a mistake to me.
A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend.
Oh, my God! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl.
I thought you were just getting fat.
- Look, it's twins! - No, it's two sets of twins.
- Two sets of twins and a triplet.
Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.
I've never seen anything like this.
How many more can there be? Twenty-two.
Oh, Homie, aren't they adorable? Yes.
We waited many years but the good Lord has finally blessed us with a real family.
Look at Branford II.
Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the Models Inc.
Get that cat out of the way! My socks.
Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar? Oh, it's just easier this way.
This time This house stinks.
Are you just putting new newspapers over the old ones? Do you have a better idea? Now, I know we love the puppies very much but I think they're getting to be a problem.
Yeah, they ate all my socks.
I have to wear Lisa's to school today.
- How do you explain the culottes, boy? - I have to coordinate, don't I? We've been thinking about giving the puppies away.
- No! - Mainly your mother.
Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them? Hello? Is anybody there? All right, we'll give the dogs one more chance.
As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay.
On a completely unrelated topic I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight.
Who's coming? Reverend Lovejoy, your old Army drill sergeant and the regional director of the IRS.
Oh, just lovely, Marge.
The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was.
- How nothing at all went wrong.
This evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm gonna forget that you were mistakenly let out of the Army early.
I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's no need for that audit.
- A toast to the Simpsons.
And to the delectable turkey that's walking around the table! Dear Lord, it's a demon bird.
Simpson! See you at reveille, See you at the IRS.
See you in hell.
Well, we sure could use a pooch to guard the flock at the Flanderosa.
It'd be nice to have some companionship when Mother goes out on dates.
We could use a new pet over at the home seeing how we accidentally killed that smart-mouthed bird.
They don't like being broken up.
We've got to be realistic, kids.
Who's gonna have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies? And I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres chasing my many cars drinking from my many toilets.
- Who wouldn't? Mom, don't give the puppies to him.
He'll be mean to them.
She's right, Homer.
There's something about his face I don't trust.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Burns but you can't have these dogs.
Am I fired? Oh, of course not.
They're your pets.
You can do as you wish.
Good day, everyone.
- My, he certainly took that well.
- A little too well, if you ask me.
I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies.
There you go.
There you go.
Honestly, sir, you don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.
Don't worry, folks, we'll find your wallet.
Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I'm dusting for prints.
We don't have to wait for cops.
Who can track them better than their mom and dad? Let's go find your babies.
Dinner's on, dogs.
I'm sorry, kids.
I don't think we're ever gonna find your greyhounds.
Burns will sell you one of the 25 he got last night.
Who knows what horrible things he's doing to those innocent little puppies.
Now, wasn't that heavenly? And don't you feel better too? He's giving them a bath.
There you are.
There you go, little fella.
He's standing up.
I've never seen anything so adorable.
You know who it reminds me of? - Benji? - No.
- Lassie? - No, no.
- A person.
You know who I mean.
- Snoop Doggy Dogg? - Bob Barker? David Brenner? - No, no.
The person who's always standing and walking.
- Rory Calhoun? - That's it! You stay with me.
You're the pick of the litter.
Maybe we were wrong about Burns on this one.
Are you sure you wanna go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
But not completely full.
For, you see: Some men hunt for sport Others hunt for food The only thing I'm hunting for Is an outfit that looks good See my vest See my vest Made from real gorilla chest Feel this sweater, there's no better Than authentic Irish setter See this hat 'Twas my cat My evening wear, vampire bat These white slippers Are albino African endangered rhino Grizzly-bear underwear Turtles ' necks, I've got my share Beret of poodle On my noodle it shall rest Try my red-robin suit It comes one breast or two See my vest See my vest See my vest Like my loafers? Former gophers It was that or skin my chauffeurs But a greyhound-fur tuxedo Would be best - So let's prepare these dogs - Kill two for matching clogs See my vest See my vest Oh, please, won 't you see my vest? - I really like the vest.
- I gathered, yeah.
He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies.
You gotta admit, it's catchy.
Come on, Smithers.
Let's go finish the little flea circuses off.
Except for little Monty, of course.
We gotta get the dogs out of there.
- Hush, puppies.
- We gotta get you out of here.
What are you doing? - Dogs always land on their feet.
- That's cats.
- No, it's dogs.
I'll prove it.
Best two out of three.
A laundry chute.
Come on, come on.
I've got an idea.
Sorry, Monty, but you're too big for this ride.
- Quick, let's get the - Going somewhere? That's impossible.
How did you get here first? Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later.
Right now, I'll be taking my puppies back.
But they're ours.
You stole them from us.
Here's a phone.
Call somebody who cares.
Give me that.
Now, if you'll excuse us, children the pups have a date with a fashion knife.
Now you don't know which one's little Monty.
If you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo, you'll let the other dogs go too.
Come on, little Monty.
Come on, stand up.
Do your trick.
Stay down, Monty.
- Stay down.
Stay down, boy.
Don't get up.
Now it's simply a matter of bending down and picking up the one and only This can't be happening.
They're all standing.
I can't tell them apart.
All right, you win.
- I'll have to kill them all.
- No! But they're so wretchedly adorable.
Twenty-five little Rory Calhouns.
I can't do it.
But I can kill you.
No, I can't kill you either.
Look at you, standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns.
Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing innocent animals for fashion.
I have, I have.
I swear, I'll never wear any clothing made from an animal that can do an amusing trick.
Another victory for Montgomery Burns ' champion greyhounds.
Twenty-five dogs, which so far have earned their owner over $ 10 million.
I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.
Homer! For the love of God, no! Marge, you know that batting this light bulb is the only thing that cheers me up after giving away those million-dollar greyhounds.