The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F31 - A Star Is Burns

Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.

Tonight, Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks: The rapping rabbis.

Don 't eat pork Not even with a fork Can 't touch this Marge, are we Jewish? No, Homer.

- But first, we all stink.

- We all Hey! According to a survey ranking Springfield as the least popular city in America.

In science, dead last.

I'm telling you people, the Earth revolves around the sun.

Burn him! - What a story.

- You've stolen my soul! In culture, dead last.

Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression.

So I propose Oh, that's right.

I'm crippled.

This is terrible.

People will start to avoid Springfield.

But what can I do? I'm just one man.

- I think we should call a town meeting.

If we don't do something soon, we won't get any tourists.

Are there any suggestions for how to attract more tourism? The easiest way to be popular is to leech off the popularity of others.

So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.

I'm Marge Simpson, and I have an idea.

Oh, no.

Marge is gonna say something.

Now, I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions.

Like switching to the metric system.

The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it! The old person's remarks will be stricken.

Who said that? But my new idea is different.

I think we should hold a film festival and give out prizes.

Could we make movies and enter them? - Yes.

- At last, an excuse to wear makeup.

All in favor of Marge Simpson's film-festival idea? Film festival! Film festival! You like my idea? Actually, I have several others.

Don 't push your luck! Don 't push your luck! And action.

Hello, I'm Bart Simpson.

In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet.

And now I give you The Eternal Struggle.

Relaxed fit, my Aunt Fanny.

Stupid Dockers.

Oh, the belt is buckled.

Now, Maude, in our movie, you lay baby Moses in the basket then put it among the reeds, okay? Lights, camera act-diddily-dotilly-doodilly action Jackson.

Help me! Flanders to God Flanders to God Get off your cloud and save my Todd - Thanks, God.

- Okely-dokely.

What you doing, Ma? Looking for a film critic to judge our festival.

Did you know there are over 600 critics on TV and Leonard Maltin is the best-looking of them all? Welcome to Coming Attractions.

I'm your host, Jay Sherman.

Thank you.

Tonight we review an aging Charles Bronson in Death Wish IX.

I wish I was dead.

But first we have a special guest, Rainier Wolfcastle star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Jay, my new film is a mix of action und comedy.

It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly.

Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? - That's the joke.

- You suck, McBain! Now my Woody Allen impression.

I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

Hey, that really sucked! The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half.

It cost $80 million.

How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Just asking.

I like him.

He's smart, he's sensitive.

He's not obsessed with his physical appearance.

My ears are burning.

I wasn't talking about you, Dad.

No, my ears are really burning.

I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-Tip.

Dear Mr.

Sherman, on behalf of the people of Springfield I would like to invite you to judge our film festival.

You can stay with us and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country.

- Marge, is this a pimple or a boil? - Just a minute, Homer.

Look what you made me write.

Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy our quiet little town.

Sincerely, Marge Simpson.

Do I really wanna leave Manhattan? Sherman, I just realized you insulted me.

Now you will die.

Hey, nudnik, your shoe's untied.

From here, they appear to be tied.

But I will go in for a closer look.

Taxi.

To the airport! On closer inspection, these are Loafers.

Attention, the flight from New York has arrived.

Hey, I'm landing here.

It's supposed to say Jay's name, not yours.

Oh, you're right.

There you Just a second.

Oh, that should Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer.

Oh, nice to meet you, Marge.

I saw your hair from the plane.

And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.

It was a gummy bear.

Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons.

I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.

Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman the critic.

- Hello.

- Hey, man, I really love your show.

I think all kids should watch it.

I suddenly feel so dirty.

I don't know what's happening.

It seems our profits have dropped 37 percent.

We have a bad image, sir.

Research shows people see you as something of an ogre.

I ought to club them and eat their bones.

Maybe this film festival could help us.

A film biography might let them get to know the real you.

Virtuous, heroic, nubile.

You left out "pleasant.

" But I like that film-biography idea.

A slick Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power like Bugsy or Working Girl.

Get me Steven Spielberg.

- He's unavailable.

- Get his nonunion Mexican equivalent.

Listen, Se´┐Żor Spielbergo I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod.

We're both factory owners.

We both made shells for the Nazis.

But mine worked, damn it.

Now, go out there and win me that festival! Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop.

But I'm still hungry.

Mr.

Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes.

Well, it's not like I carry them around with me.

It's so hot in here.

Oh, look, here's my People's Choice Award.

Five Golden Globes Where's my Emmy? - Thank you.

- Yeah, well, I won the belching contest at work.

Very nice, Homer.

Wow, how many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that? Just me and Eudora Welty.

I invited my sisters over.

Sisters.

Allow me.

So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is 'smartre.

'" So original.

How droll.

Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can doo-doo but Jimmy Carter is smarter.

- Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert.

- So tell us, who's gay? Oh, I don't know.

Harvey Fierstein.

- No.

- Who else? MacGyver's gay.

You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you? What you doing, Marge? Making the jury list for the film festival.

Mayor Quimby, Krusty, Jay.

Marge, do you respect my intelligence? - Yes.

- Okay.

Wait a minute.

Why did it take you so long to say yes? - No reason.

- Okay.

Wait a minute.

Are you humoring me? - Yes.

- Okay.

Wait a minute.

That's bad! Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy but does he know all the words to the Oscar Mayer song? Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener That is what I'd truly like to be 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener Everyone would be in love with me That's it, Marge.

He knows the whole hot-dog song.

Go ahead, sleep with him.

I'll just take a lock of your hair to remember you by.

It's just you and me now, lock of hair.

You don't have to do this.

- You think I'm stupid.

- I don't think you're stupid.

Prove it.

Put me on that film-jury-festival thing.

Fine.

You're on the jury.

Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

Excellent.

Excellent.

- Next.

- Excellent.

- Next.

- Exactly.

Next.

Oh, it's hopeless.

I'll have to play myself.

I thought they were playing The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.

Our first film is by Indian director Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

Bright Lights, Beef Jerky.

Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now.

Oh, boy.

This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

Next, we have Moe the bartender in Moe Better Booze.

Money gets you one more round Drink it down, you stupid clown Money gets you one more round You're out on your ass My back! Hans Moleman Productions presents Man Getting Hit by Football.

This contest is over.

Give that man the $ 10,000! This isn't America 's Funniest Home Videos.

But the ball, his groin.

It works on so many levels.

Roll it again.

Next, they're gonna show my movie.

- You made a movie? - I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

My name is Barney Gumble.

I'm 40, I'm single, and I drink.

There's a line in Othello about a drinker.

Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.

That pretty well covers it.

It's brilliant.

Savagely honest.

Tender.

He has the soul of a poet.

You're very kind.

Excuse me.

Did something crawl down your throat and die? It didn't die.

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

Mr.

Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.

Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem? Don 't cry for me.

I'm already dead.

I think we have a winner.

- What'd I miss? - Homer, please pay attention.

There's just one more movie.

Simple villagers, I promise you I will close plants in America and bring work here.

We did 20 takes, and that was the best one.

Remember, Elliott, I'll be right here.

- Pure egotism.

- Self-indulgent tripe.

I don't care what they say.

I'm going to win this festival.

Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur.

You truly are the king of kings.

Excellent.

Smithers, are they booing me? No.

They're saying, "Boo-urns, Boo-urns.

" Are you saying, "Boo," or, "Boo-urns"? I was saying, "Boo-urns.

" All right, it's time to vote for the grand prize.

I vote for Barney Gumble's sensitive yet unfortunately titled film, Pukahantas.

- Second! - Well, I vote for Burns' movie.

Me too.

Now let's get going.

I got a date with Eudora Welty.

Coming, Eudora! Excellent.

Bribing those two judges has paid off.

Like the Miss Teen America pageant.

How can you vote for Burns' movie? Let's just say it moved me to a bigger house! I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

Oh, dear.

Two to two.

Well, Homer, it all comes down to you.

Football in the Groin! Football in the Groin! We're not gonna resolve this deadlock anytime soon.

Why don't we all take a five-minute break.

It'll clear our heads.

Good idea, Marge.

My mind is going a mile a minute.

I knew this would happen.

I put you on the jury and you vote for the stupidest film.

- I have a right to be on that jury even though I'm sleeping with the head of the festival.

How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that? Great.

Now you're gonna make fun of me.

No, Homer.

I won't make fun.

But I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football.

Well, Homer? Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do.

Barney's movie had heart.

But Football in the Groin had a football in the groin.

Don 't cry for me.

I'm already dead.

Wow, I'll never drink another beer.

- Beer here.

- I'll take 10.

And now to announce the winners.

The award for outstanding animated short goes to Itchy and Scratchy for their film Four Funerals and a Wedding.

And now the winner of the grand prize.

Barney Gumble! What? Homie, you voted for the right movie.

I'm glad you were on the jury.

You know something, Marge? It's not that tough being a film cricket.

I've learned I have a gift to share with the world.

From now on, there'll be a new Barnard Gumble.

Hardworking, clean and sober.

Congratulations, Barney.

And enjoy your grand prize a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

Just hook it to my veins! Goodbye, Mr.

Sherman.

If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call.

And if you ever want to visit my show We're not gonna be doing that.

I hope you tell your New York friends that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think.

Marge, look.

This has spring snakes inside but the suckers will think it's beer nuts.

Beer nuts.

Well, it was a lovely festival.

The best movie won and Mr.

Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.

And the Oscar goes to I've got to win this one.

I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

George C.

Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.

My groin.