The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F14 - Homer vs. Patty and Selma

Homer vs.

Patty and Selma This place is gonna smell classy all week.

To Homer, the Wall Street genius! Hey, Homer, how come you got money to burn? Or singe, anyway.

- Yeah, what's your secret investment? - Take a guess.

Pumpkins? Yeah, that's right, Barney.

This year, I invested in pumpkins.

They've been going up the whole month of October.

And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around January.

And bang! That's when I'll cash in.

To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper who's growing out of the middle of your back! Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke these.

- Hey, Homer.

- Yeah! - Hey, Homer.

- Way to go.

I told you a hundred times, you gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween.

Let's not panic.

I'll make the money back by selling a liver.

I can get by with one.

Oh, how am I gonna tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle.

My house is on fire! Insurance to the rescue! - Hello, Homer.

- Hello, Homer.

Marge, we had a deal.

Your sisters don't come here after 6, and I stop eating your lipstick.

This is a special occasion.

Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV.

Yeah, Homer.

Let your wife have a glimpse of success for once.

All right, that's the last straw.

Time to take out the trash! But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm sorry.

Homer doesn't mean to be rude.

He's just a very complicated man.

Wrong! When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? You got some kids out of him.

But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

I wish you wouldn't put Homer down.

He may not be a big success like you but I can always count on him to provide for the family.

Sweet, trusting Marge, I can't let you down.

I'll get some money somehow.

Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.

All right.

I'll send you a check.

If only I could think of an invention.

Something that would really make money.

Must concentrate and work harder than I've ever worked Congratulations, Mr.

Simpson.

This invention of yours has made us all rich, especially you.

It's simple, yet ingenious.

And it fits right in the palm of your hand.

Every person in America now owns one of these.

In many cases, three or four.

Can I just get a look at that? Why would you need to see it? You're the genius who invented the product.

- But could I just? - Don't worry.

You'll get to see it just as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign.

- Let me see! Out of the way! - Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime.

No! My invention! - My money problems could've - Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? Oh, Marge, my loyal wife of course not.

And Lisa, my little princess.

And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that.

Bart, I told you before.

Stop gnawing on the drywall.

What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing bees are trying to have sex with them, as I understand it.

It is a gorgeously fabulous day.

Marvelous, even.

So, what's your hurry to get to school? Nothing.

What's your hurry? That's enough, Bart.

Fun is fun, but if we're late, we'll get in trouble.

You're right, Milhouse.

Fun is fun.

Attention, students.

It's time to choose a gym class for the coming term.

So let's prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm, orderly manner.

Even though it's first come, first serve, and the popular sports fill up fast.

Too many wee ones! This gets uglier every year.

Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No, and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.

S.

For them.

I don't feel right.

Do you hear that, Bart? That was the tardy bell! "Truant! Truant! Truant!" They'll all say! Who needs him? I can have fun all by myself.

It's all right? It's all right.

It's all right? It's all right.

Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money you need.

However, since you have no collateral I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Gosh, Moe.

I use these all the time.

- Couldn't you bash my head in? - Hey, are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? Now, let's do this thing.

- Oh, no.

It's P.

E.

Sign-up day.

- How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.

Better sign up for something fast, man.

Baseball just filled up So did tae kwon do.

There's only one class left but it happens to be the coolest one of all.

Ballet? Dancing is for girls.

Well, you should've gotten here earlier.

I need an extension on my mortgage payments.

I understand, Mr.

Simpson, but according to our computer your credit history is not good.

It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card.

It also says that you grabbed a dog by the hind legs and pushed him like a vacuum.

- In the third grade! It all goes on your permanent record.

Sorry, but if you don't have that money by tomorrow the bank will take your house.

- Good luck finding it.

- I'll take the numbers off.

- We'll find a house with no numbers.

I'll take off my neighbor's numbers.

So then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers.

All right, you'll get your money.

You're my last, last chance, bottom of the barrel, Hail Mary, long shot wish you would, but probably won't, final resort to lend me money.

- We'll take care of you.

- Yes.

Care.

Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here.

What a wonderful dinner.

What a beautiful family.

Get a picture of me with this steak.

You're certainly in a good mood, Dad.

Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today.

And to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair.

Slanty.

Patty, Selma.

What are you doing here? We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.

Now, bring us extra chairs like a good "blubber"- in-law.

Time to fertilize the lawn.

A couple of 500-pound bags should do it! Be careful with my sisters' heads.

Their necks are brittle.

That's okay, Marge.

Nothing's broke.

Except Homer.

- What's that supposed to mean? - It means It means these two fabulous babes are staying for dinner.

Now, there's a stink I could've done without.

This has been such a nice, peaceful dinner.

It calls for a celebration.

I'll make the most international coffee in the house: Montreal Morn.

All right, you had your fun, now get lost.

Our fun hasn't begun yet.

We know something you don't want Marge to know.

Now we own you, like Siegfried owns Roy.

I'm sorry.

All we have is Nescaf´┐Ż.

- I'm very, very sorry.

- Oh, Marge, Marge.

You're just in time.

Homer's getting ready to give us a foot rub.

- You are? - No! L I'm giving them a foot massage.

At least let me have that.

You can start with the corns.

Then you can move on to bunion country.

Okay.

Steady, Bart.

Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man.

All right, girls.

Today we learn the dance of the fairy queens.

You can either be a fairy or a queen.

It's wide open.

And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov.

I don't wanna be the next anything.

They made me take this stupid class.

So he has fire in the belly.

But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov! - Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies.

Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined.

But for the sissies, never.

Now, put on this fuchsia-tard.

You are a fairy! - Quitting time.

- On the way home we'll stop at Moe's for a Zima.

- Maybe I'll stay and work overtime.

My sisters-in-law are at my house again.

Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity.

Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.

- Is something wrong, Mr.

Simpson? - I don't like wearing tights.

But so many of your heroes wear tights.

- Batman, for example.

And Magellan.

- Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never will.

I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit.

Wait! Joy of movement, increasing.

Love of dance, impossible to resist.

Toes twinkling.

Look at me, girls.

I'm doing ballet.

And I love it! Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? - Request permission to slink by.

- Permission pending.

First, light our cigarettes.

But you're already smoking cig - You're really pushing it.

- Come on, Homer.

You can't spell "obsequious" without l-O-U.

- I'll have to trust you on that.

- Marge was always a good speller.

- Let's ask her.

- No! Don't tell Marge! I'll be good.

I'll be good.

Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are.

But Yes, ma'am.

Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog.

" In a dog voice! - I am Homer Simpson.

- Well, good.

Jump, Homer, jump.

- What's going on in here? - Absolutely nothing, Marge.

- What's that paper? - What paper? Homer, is this projection accurate? - Did you borrow money from my sisters? - I don't know, Marge.

I can't keep track of all my wheelings and dealings.

- He blew your savings on jack-o'- lanterns.

- You told! Sorry, Marge.

I never want to see you again! You either.

Homer.

Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge.

I failed you as a husband and a provider.

And at best, I was a B-plus dog.

I'll understand if you wanna sleep on the couch tonight.

- How's Dad today? - Not too good, Lisa.

- Frankly, he's underneath the table.

- Nobody make me any breakfast.

A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it.

But I like to make you breakfast.

In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon.

But no powdered sugar, I don't deserve it.

Maybe a little powdered sugar.

See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque.

But then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat.

Not that I'm into that kind of thing.

Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital.

And you, you will dance the male lead.

Dance in front of my whole school? What is it with you and ballet? I know you have great conflict, Bart.

You love ballet.

Yet you feel the boys will laugh at you, no? No, I fear the girls will laugh at me.

I fear the boys will beat the snot out of me.

- Hey, Dad.

What you doing? - Daddy has very important work to do.

He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.

Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.

No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

- I'll never pay off that debt! - Need money fast? Got no experience? Step up to elegance.

- Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's.

- That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job! Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.

I didn't turn it on, I thought you did.

No.

Well, anyway, turn it off.

It is off.

You have to work hard to win this crowd over.

- Most of them are here for detention.

- Pretty big crowd.

We even bused in troublemakers from other schools.

That spiky-haired, masked dancer is really something.

- I wonder who he is.

- He's graceful, yet masculine.

So it's okay for me to enjoy this.

Oh, wow, I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks.

I loved that movie Young Frankenstein.

Scared the hell out of me.

- Thanks.

- Let's do that 2000-pound-man thing.

I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face.

It's not easy.

It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the timing that only we Sir, today, every country has a national anthem.

Did they have national anthems Sure! Sure we had.

Of course, we was caves.

But every cave had a national anthem.

I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.

- What was that national anthem? - Let them all go to hell except Cave 76 What's with the si? What's with the siren? Evening, Simpson.

Got a short in your taillight.

Started blinking when you made that turn.

- Let's see your chauffeur's license.

- Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt! Since you're trying to make a getaway in park I'm guessing you don't have a license.

Better head to the DMV.

These two broads'll help you out.

Wow.

Officer, this man is making me a little edgy.

- Could you give me a ride to the airport? - Hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! - Sure, I'll give you a ride.

- Thank you.

On the way we can do that You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum.

Listen, why don't you play Carl Reiner, and let me play Police Chief Wiggum.

I hate Carl Reiner! I haven't been moved like this since The Joy Luck Club.

They love me.

I'm accepted.

I don 't need this mask anymore.

Behold! The masked dancer is me, Bart! - It is I who have won your acclaim! - Bart does ballet! He dances like girls! Go ahead and laugh.

I took a chance and did what I wanted to do.

And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy.

He's a sissy! Let's rush him! - Yeah! - Yeah, let's get him, come on! After him! Go! - There he is! There, right there! - Bart, use the ballet.

Leap! Leap like you've never leapt before! Looks like he took a pretty bad spill.

Well, as long as he's hurt.

Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work.

Sometimes I think God is teasing me, just like he teased Moses in the desert.

Tested, Homer.

God tested Moses.

And try to be nice to my sisters.

It's very hard on me to have you always fighting.

Oh, okay, Marge.

I'll get along with them.

Then I will hug some snakes.

Yes! I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes! Now, that's sarcasm.

Well, well, well.

Look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.

Look, all I ask is that you be fair.

Did not adjust side mirror.

Minus one point.

Failed to check blind spot.

Minus two points.

You'll be happy when my family thinks I'm a loser.

You are a loser, Homer! And we're winners.

You gotta learn that.

Seat belt twisted.

Minus one point.

Nagging the driver.

Minus 10 points for you! - Grazed a cone.

Minus five.

- Being a jerk.

Minus a million! One more wrong answer, and Homer flunks another of life's little tests.

And what's this? Someone didn't fill in a circle all the way.

- Oh, boy.

Oh, that felt good.

- Let me try.

Let me try.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that was so sweet.

- So, Homer, how'd you do? - Well, I Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building.

Because that is the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion.

- Well - What? - You mean - Why Oh, you're talking about she Who's? What? She What, this? I'll never forgive myself for this.

Wait a minute.

Those are yours, sir? Yes.

I am in flavor country.

- Both of them? - It's a big country.

Ladies, I apologize.

And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Homer, I'm I'm speechless.

- You just saved our hides.

- On top of everything else don't make me picture your hides.

- It's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.

- I didn't do it for them.

I did it for you, Marge.

I'd kill for you.

- Please ask me to kill for you.

- No, Homie.

You see? This is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see.

Homer.

We're sorry.

- If there's anything we can do - Call off the debt? Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test.

Call off the debt? - Well - Debt's off! Let's go, Marge!