The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F12 - Homie the Clown

Homie the Clown When Krusty wants to, he can still blow them away.


He can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny.

See you tomorrow, kids.

But before I go, I'd just like to say There's nothing better than a cigarette unless it's a cigarette lit with a $ 100 bill.

Put 5000 bucks on the Lakers.

Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator.

My house is dirty.

Buy me a clean one.

Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you Did you send 1000 roses to Bea Arthur's grave? - Yes.

But she's I don't wanna hear the end of sentences.

George Carlin on three.


Lawsuit? Oh, come on.

My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your bit.

So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuse me! - Give him 10 grand.

- Steve Martin on four.

Ten grand.

Krusty, in regards to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race Come on.

How about letting me go double or nothing on the opera tonight.

- Who do you like? - The tenor.


But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us so consistently up.

You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty.

No can do.

And those ridiculous bets you make.

Gambling is the finest thing a person can do if he's good at it.

- You haven't won anything in months.

- So I'll just make more money.

- Crank out some merchandise.

- You already merchandised everything.

Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty Crowd-Control Barrier.

Nothing is selling anymore.

Not even your new Lady Krusty line.

But our infomercials are running So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Mustache-Removal System, Angelique? It's Krusterrific, Johnny Unitas.

But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this? Probably.

At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.

Only thing left to do is to open a clown college and train some regional Krustys.

You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown? - Exactly.

- Forget it.

I'll just cut back on the condor-egg omelets.

A couple of those would be tasty right now.

I'll found the college tomorrow.

It must be the first of the month.

New Billboard Day! Finders, keepers.

"This year, give her English muffins.

" Whatever you say, Mr.


"Best in the West.

" That rhymes.

Clown college.

You can't eat that.

I got everything I was supposed to get.

I'm not going to enroll in that clown college, though.

That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

Hey, Homer.

The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire.

Clowns are funny.

- Mom? - I think I'll have some wine.

- Marge? - Yes, Homie.

That's it.

You people have stood in my way long enough.

I'm going to clown college.

I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Hurry up.

It's my first day of clown college.

- Hold still, Homer.

Don't squirm.

- I am holding still.

I am squirming.

Dad, you can't go around pretending to be Krusty.

It's sacrilege.

He's a one and only.

I mean, he invented the pie fight the pratfall and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know.

Yeah, Dad.

It was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley.

- But Krusty - You didn't complain when I got you this close to Chachi.

What's a chachi? All right.

Now, there can only be one Krusty in each territory.

So I hope this works out.

Tell me where you're from.

- Georgia.

- Texas.

- Brooklyn.

- Russia.

- New Hampshire.

- Homer.

Okay, we'll start off with the baggy p Wha? Those are supposed to be baggy pants.

Baggy! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.


Memorize these funny place names: Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga Seattle.

Stop it.

You're killing me.


And now, everybody's favorite, the Spin-Cycle Fantastic trick.

It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off.

But if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.



Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong.

"Kill wealthy dowager.

" Burn that seat.

These Krusty-brand balloons are 3 bucks each.

Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

What's that gonna cost you? Hey, Bill.

What did that cost us? I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.

If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

Thanks, honey.

Bank shot! - That's good aim, Dad.

- Well, it was my major.

Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans.

You'll now go back to your hometowns and do kids' parties, swap meets and the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot clown pole.

Now come and get your catskins I mean, sheepskins.

This is the happiest day of my life Got it.

No shock for me.

Oh, yeah? And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger, the one with ketchup here he is, coming in by parachute, Krusty the Clown.

"To audience.

I now proclaim this new burger for sale.

" Lord, save me.

It's the Krusty Burglar.

Oh, my God.

He's stealing all the burgers.

Why, you little Homer.

Homer, it's all just an act.



He's already dead.

- Sir.


- I gotta get him.

Get him.

Krusty the Clown, everybody.

Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet.

Hey, hey.

And then take that and put that in there and here's your giraffe, little girl.

- I'm a boy.

That's the spirit.

Never give up.

Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart? My dad got Krusty the Clown to personally appear at my party.

I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.

I don't know, Bart.

My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

It's not 5:30 yet.

- Hey, nice threads.

- I'm beat.

And after work, I gotta dedicate a new Jiffy Lube and cohost the ACE Awards.

- Wow, Jiffy Lube.

- Boy, you're running yourself ragged.


When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory.

You know, the glory of being a clown.

I tell you, it's hard, tiring work.

But when I see the smiles on their little faces I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

Well, my time's almost up here.

So I'd like to say I know Woody Allen.

And now, the winner for the most promising new series on cable: Old Starsky and Hutch's.

Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.

Let's walk and talk.

I have wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.

- Can't.

Gotta distract bulls at a rodeo.

Hey, me too.

We can go together.


I'm going a different way than you, Dick.

Your churlish attitude reminds me of the time I had dinner with Groucho and You're gonna have dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.

Being a clown sucks.

Kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly.

Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown.

I'm leaving the clowning business to the other clowns in the clowning business.

Oh, no.

Well, well, well, velocity boy.

I'm gonna give you the biggest ticket you Hey, Krusty! - I'm not Krusty.

- To think I was gonna give you a ticket.

- Krusty the Clown.

- I am not Krusty.

Hey, Krusty, Krusty.

You remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine-furniture store? Memories.

All right, you take it easy, Krusty.

Hey, he didn't give me a ticket.

This is an intriguing development.

You mean I get 5 percent off everything in the store just because I look like I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown? How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year? Oh, by the way, here is your new issue of Gigantic Asses.

I'm telling you, this'll work.

They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff.

I've been getting free stuff all day.

Look at this swell bucket of house paint.

- Look at it.

- I'm not saying it won't work.

- I'm just saying it's dishonest.

- Lf we agree, then why are we arguing? Hey, Krusty, hey.

Beautiful date tonight, huh? And such lovely children you have now.

- I'm more striking than lovely.

- You come with me.

Come with Luigi.

You don't want to sit with the rest of the scum.

- Hey.

- What's going on? I only consider you scum compared to Krusty.

- Well, I can see that.

- Yeah, you see how you scum.

Let me get this straight.

You took money made franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh, I thought the Generals were due.

He's spinning the ball on his finger.

Just take it.

Take the ball.

That game was fixed.

They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sake.

I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.

Look, I'm cleaned out.

Just take the clown college.

We have already taken it.

Kids have a lot of money these days.

So after you finish your performance, you might consider robbing them.

What can I tell you? You can't get blood from a turnip.

You wanna kill me, go ahead and kill me.

Hey, all right, okay already.

- Look, we can talk this over.

- No more talk.

It is time for us to take you for a ride.

Oh, no - Mind if I go to the bathroom first? - I see no harm in that.

When he's done in there, I gotta go.

Okay, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him.

Legs, you check out the East Side.

Louie, Rome and Budapest.

Tell the boys I want a total world search.

- Right, boss.

- Right, boss.

I want a free car because I'm Krusty.

Krusty the Clown.

Get it? Krusty.

Cancel the world search.

I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Clown, which is me, Krusty.

Hey, it's Krusty, all right.

Should I shoot him gangland-style or execution-style? Listen to your heart.

Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty.

But I can let you have this little number for practically nothing.

Only $38,000.

Hey, what are all these holes? Speed holes.

They make the car go faster.

Oh, yeah.

Speed holes.

You want my advice? I think you should buy this car.

We need more ammo.

Let's go to Big 5.

Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete.

Now, when I remove the bandages don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.

I look exactly the same, you moron! Oh, nonsense, Krusty.

You look at least 10 years younger.

- Plus, I did your breasts.

- Hear me complaining about the breasts? Oh, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music.

Can you loan me bus fare? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What you diddily doing, neighbor? I'm putting speed holes in my car.

Makes it go faster.

Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart Lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the true cross today.

I think I'll go inside.

What keeps doing that? I told you we should've bought more than three bullets.

Let's just grab him.

Hey! But wait.

You can't kill me for being Krusty.

I'm not him.

- I'm Homer Simpson.

- The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Actually, my name is Barney.

Yeah, Barney Gumble.

The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Actually, my real name is Think, Krusty, think.

Joe Valachi.

Same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate committee about organized crime? - Benedict Arnold.

- The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? I am so glad I had a chance to meet you before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great fan.

Don Vittorio Dimaggio.

Krusty the Clown.

Sorry I have to do this, Krusty.

I cannot do it.

To murder a funnyman of such genius would be a crime.

Tell you what, Krusty.

Do for me my favorite trick, where you ride the little bike through the loop and I will let you live.

- But I've never been able to do the Hey, how about if I squirt you in the face with my boutonni�re? Okay.

- I'll never be able to do this trick.


- Go.



I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

I'm the greatest clown in the world.

The fact that you did not do the trick well is the biggest insult of all.

Hey, guys.

I came to Oh, you got a deadly game of cat and mouse going.

I'll come back.

I'm seeing double here.

Four Krustys.


Oh, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

You came here to save me.


That's what I did.

My apologies to you.

I almost made a grievous error.

- Goodbye, Krusty.

- Wait.

He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty.

I am confused.

- Good one, Krusty.

- Oh, crap.

Because of that disrespectful display I shall now kill both of you.

Unless you both go through the loop together.

I can't see, you idiot.

Take your hands off my eyes.

- Hey.

- Not bad.

Without the loop, it is nothing.

Yeah, Krustys! Grazie.


You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.

- No, no, Don Vittorio.

You're not - Yes, I am.

I know it.

I am.

- Anyway, thank you, Krusty.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- So we're even now, huh? - No, we just won't kill you.

But you still owe us the money.

- Forty-eight dollars.

- Here's 50.

And 2, your change.

And we thank you.