Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
2F10 - And Maggie Makes Three
Gotta catch those starfish poachers.
Don't have to yell, Michael.
I'm all around you.
They're headed for land.
- We'll never catch them now.
Look, a canal.
- Go, Knightboat, go.
- Every week, there's a canal.
- Or an inlet.
- Or a fjord.
Quiet! I won't hear another word against the boat.
- Okay, TV off.
It's family time.
- But, Marge Knightboat: The Crime-Solving Boat.
Homer, you promised, one night of family time a week.
Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example.
Says you, woman.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Mom.
All right, family time begins now.
- It was Bart.
Why don't we all look at the photo album.
So many memories.
Oh, look, Knightboat.
And here's our TV next to the mirror.
It looks like we have two.
Yeah, yeah, two.
Let's get to the baby pictures.
- That's exciting.
Here's Bart sleeping.
Here he is dozing.
Here he is after a visit from the sandman.
Here's nappy time, Bart.
Here's a cute one.
He's all tuckered out.
Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie? Well, I'm glad you asked.
It's actually a very interesting story.
It all began about two years ago, before Maggie was even born.
Bart, you were Lisa's age.
And, Lisa you were the age Bart was several years ago.
Get the camera ready, Bart very sleepy.
Listen carefully, and my words will shape images as clear as any TV show.
It was a tumultuous time for our nation.
The clear-beverage craze gave us all a reason to live.
The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.
And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.
I was at my workstation when suddenly Attention, American workers.
Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.
Not on my shift! No, you don't.
Simpson, 10, terrorists, 8.
- Homer, tell the story right.
Homer, you should see a doctor.
I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.
Your paychecks, gentlemen.
This is it.
With a single glorious check I'm finally completely out of debt.
Yes! With my bills paid off, I can finally quit this lousy job.
But, Homer, how you gonna make a living? Don't worry about Homer J.
I've got a plan.
- A plan that'll fix you good.
- Hey, what did we do? Sorry, that just slipped out.
I'll miss you.
Did you hear me? I said, I quit, Monty.
And since I quit, I can do anything I want.
Is that so? Lovely desk.
It would be too bad if someone oh, I don't know, didn't use a coaster! Such a nice, tidy office.
Maybe it's time you started living like a pig! Oh, I hope I haven't upset you bongo head! Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage and island rhythms.
Way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer.
He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.
That's for employing me for eight years.
And that is that.
Goodbye, mind-numbing, backbreaking labor forever.
Hello, dream job in paradise.
And now, the final phase of my plan.
Barney, any chance you can get me a job? Hey.
I told you, my uncle owns the place.
- Hey, Uncle Al, can Homer have a job? - Sure.
- Barney, you're fired.
Show up tomorrow.
Bring three rags.
Oh, and a change of pants.
- Why? - When it happens, you'll know.
You're a pin monkey? Finally, I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job.
It's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream, of sorts.
I don't know if it's such a good idea.
Can we get by on a pin monkey's salary? Don't worry, Marge.
I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget.
There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart and Lisa if we make a few small sacrifices.
From now on, we use regular toilet paper not that fancy quilted kind.
And only one of you kids can go to college.
That night, your mom and I went out for a romantic evening to celebrate the start of our new life.
We began with dinner and dancing.
Followed by a stroll on the beach.
I've got sand in my underpants.
Let's go home.
I love you, Marge.
I love you too, Homie.
Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced.
I hope things stay exactly like this forever.
Did you have to be so graphic? It's okay, Marge.
They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.
Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant? Actually, your mother hadn't told me yet.
At that time, I had no idea Maggie even existed.
- Dad! - Dad! Hi, Maggie.
So anyhow, back then there was no way for me to know your mother was pregnant.
Marge, you tie up the bathroom every morning.
I've gotta wash my hair.
The next few weeks at my dream job were like a wonderful waking coma.
- Hey, Homer.
- Hi there, Homer.
- Hi, Homer.
- Hi there, Homer.
Homer, did you polish your head in the Shine-O Ball-O? - No.
- Okay, then.
I slowly learned the intricate mysteries of the alley like where the pins go after they're knocked down.
I was in heaven.
If horseracing is the sport of kings then surely, bowling is a very good sport as well.
- Hey, great job, Homer.
- Thanks a lot, Homer.
Hey, you're the best.
I'm gonna make it after all Congratulations, Mrs.
Am I to take it that this is an unwanted pregnancy? Oh, no, no.
It's just that I haven't told Homer yet.
With his new job I don't know how we'll be able to afford this.
Well, you know, a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000.
- What?! - Of course, that was just a test.
Had you reacted differently, why, you'd be in jail right now.
Simply a test.
So in a few months, both of you will have a brand-new brother or sister.
- Been there, done that.
- I hope it's a girl.
You know nothing about genetics, Lis.
It goes boy, girl, boy, girl.
- You're worried about telling Dad.
- Why do you say that? Well, you've been in my room for about four hours now.
Hey, I'm just hanging.
- Homie, l - Can't talk.
Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me, and I am thankful.
For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is.
So here's the deal: You freeze everything as it is and I won't ask for anything more.
If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign.
In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk.
If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign.
Thy will be done.
I've got to tell Homer about this baby in just the right way and at just the right time.
Until then, please keep this to yourselves.
If he found out now, it would probably destroy him, huh? Oh, yes.
- Gotta go.
- Gotta go.
Wait a minute.
I know that look.
Now, promise you won't tell Homer.
Oh, we promise we won't tell Homer.
Is this A.
Aaronson? It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again.
Just thought you'd like to know, Mr.
Aaronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town.
In an hour, everyone will know.
Another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box.
- That's nice work, Homer.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It is nice work.
Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy.
- Congratulations, sir.
- It's true, the bundle is little but I'm not in it for the money.
Hey, Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.
This is getting very abstract, but thank you I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
Surprise! Baby shower.
Baby shower? You know I haven't told Homer yet.
And he'll be home any minute.
- Oh, really? - Oh, really? Man, it's windy as hell out there.
Hey, wait a minute.
What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts.
With little, tiny baby-sized gifts.
Well, I'll be in the tub.
By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
New job? Marge is pregnant?! No! Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? Oh, just that one time.
Actually, when I was about to have Bart You're pregnant?! And then when I told him about Lisa You're pregnant again?! Who wouldn't be upset? That new baby in your mother's womb was a ticking time bomb threatening to blow this family eight ways from Sunday.
- Where are you going? - You can't expect a person to sit for 30 minutes straight.
I'm gonna get a snack and maybe go to the bathroom.
I'll stay here, but I'm gonna think about products I might like to purchase.
I don't have that.
We're gonna have to have a baby.
All our financial plans are ruined.
Doomed, I tells you! - Bart, let your father tell the story.
- Okay, but I know funny.
- Anyhoo We're doomed! - Homer, you had a head.
And your bottom was a little bigger.
You've worked hard at the bowling alley.
- Why don't you ask for a raise.
- Yeah, a raise.
I've never been good enough at any job to deserve one.
But I'm damn good at this one.
I'm gonna march right up to Al and say: Steve.
I mean, Al, I think I deserve a raise.
You're a hard worker.
I'd like to give you a raise.
But the alley just ain't doing enough business to pay that kind of money.
How about if I triple the business? Then could I get a raise? Well, yeah, but Of course.
Come bowl now.
Get your bowling.
Who's ready? Bowling.
Mom, make Dad tell the story right.
That's what really happened.
My marketing plan attracted a record number of police and fire officials but few stayed to bowl.
Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.
You did a great job, Homer.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Place has never been cleaner.
And the way you kept the young people away, that was beautiful.
Thanks for that.
Anyway, we all pitched in, and we got you this little going-away thing.
This was the happiest time of my life.
I'll never forget you guys.
Especially you, Joey.
- See you around, Mr.
- Don't worry, Joey.
We'll make it to California someday.
Sure, we will, Mr.
Sure, we will.
It's gonna be sad around here without you, Homer.
- Sure is.
- Boy, this is depressing.
- I know what'd cheer us up.
Look at this, I got a ball here.
- I feel happy now.
- Boy, this is fun.
I needed more money to support my growing family.
And there was only one place in town that a man like me could make it.
Acid rain again.
Yes? Are you a new applicant? - I quit, and I came to get my job back.
- Through there.
So come crawling back, eh? Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.
- Thanks for giving me my old job back.
- I'm afraid it's not that simple.
As punishment for your desertion it's company policy to give you the plague.
Sir, that's the "plaque.
" Yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit.
Because, you see, you're here forever.
"Don't forget: You're here forever.
" I've never been so miserable in all my life.
But I can't take it out on Marge and the kids.
I've gotta carry the burden all by myself.
- Hi, honey.
How are you? - Well, actually Oh, I can't go on with this charade.
I hate my job.
I hate my life.
Since I found out about this baby, there's been only bad luck.
My contractions started an hour ago.
Just in one ear and out the other with you, isn't it? This is incredible.
It's God's most wondrous miracle.
Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
My wife? Where? Where? Congratulations.
It's a boy.
You're truly the catch of the day.
Here it comes, another mouth.
One more push should do it.
You have a beautiful, healthy baby.
Homie, I think someone is saying hello.
It's a boy.
And what a boy! That's the umbilical cord.
It's a girl.
Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl.
Not just a girl.
The most beautiful baby girl in the whole world.
Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm.
So you loved her right from the start.
- Then why no pictures? - Oh, there are pictures.
I keep them where I need the most cheering up.