The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F09 - Homer the Great

Homer the Great - Looks like you got a leak.

- Could you start fixing it? The basement is getting awfully flooded.

And I think the cat's down there.

Yeah, I probably won't be able to get the parts I need for two, three weeks.

And that's if I order them today.

- Which I won't.

- Oh, dear.

Emergency call.

Gotta go.

- What should we do until you get back? - Put a pan down there.

It didn't work.

Lousy traffic jams.

The traffic report will get me out of this one.

This is Ernie Pie.

We got a little accident that's backing traffic up as far as this reporter can see.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, how come you guys got such great parking places? - It's a secret.

- Shut up.

All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list.

Hey, will you guys help me fix my? Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me? - It's a secret.

- Shut up.

Hey, you guys wanna go bowling tonight? - No, we're busy.

- Yeah, we got things to do.

Like what? It's a secret.

Shut up.

So Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesdays.

They don't tell me where they go.

It's like a conspiracy.

A conspiracy, eh? You think they're involved in the Kennedy assassination? I do now.

I'm gonna follow them tonight and see where they go.

Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again.

It's so illegal.

You stalked Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden.

- Well, something did.

- I don't want you stalking anyone.

Oh, okay.

Have it your own way, Marge.

I'll be back in a minute.

I'm going outside to stalk Lenny and Carl All I have to do is follow the yellow-drip road.

- There's our secret meeting place.

- Yes.

Let's go inside.

Sounds good.

I can see everything and they're none the wiser.

- An intruder! - He will pay the ultimate price.

Yes, the ultimate price.

Get out of here! I saw weird stuff in that place last night.

Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff.

And I want in.

We don't know what you're talking about, Homer.

You can't join the Stonecutters.

It's too exclusive.

Oh, well.

That was a real nice secret organization we had once.

Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? There are two ways to gain membership: - Be the son of a Stonecutter.

- Next.

Or save the life of a Stonecutter.

Hey! I saved your life.

That egg sandwich could've killed you by cholesterol.

Forget it, Homer.

While it has been established eggs contain cholesterol it has not been proven that they raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.

Those Egg Council creeps got to you too? Oh, you got it all wrong, Homer.

It's not like that.

You'd better run, egg! Why don't people like me, Marge? Everyone likes you.

You're a wonderful person.

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? - I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer.

- It is.

It's been happening to me all my life.

Hey, Billy, hey, Joey, come on in.

There's plenty of room.

- Sorry.

Not you, Homer.

- Why not? But you let in Homer Glumpet.

It says "no Homers.

" We're allowed to have one.

I felt so left out.

- Kids can be so cruel.

- We can? Thanks, Mom.

Cut it out, Bart! I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.

- What do they do there, Dad? - I'm a member.

What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop.

- Oh, the things they do there.

My stars.

- You don't know what they do, do you? - Not as such, no.

- I'm a Stonecutter.

Remember those self-hypnosis classes we took to help us ignore Grampa? Do I ever.

It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken.

- I'm a chicken, Marge.

- I know, I know.

Maybe we should be listening to him now.

I'm a member! - What? - What? You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa? Oh, sure.

Let's see.

I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist.

I'm the president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance, for some reason.

Here it is.

The Stonecutters.

This is it.

My ticket in.

They have to let me join if I'm the son of a member.

I'll take this Communist one too.

Coming through.

Can't throw me out.

My father's a member.

- I'm in, I'm in.

- Okay, okay, Homer, you're in.

Just don't point that thing at me.

Thanks, Lenny.

When am I gonna be initiated? - As soon as Number One gets here.

- Number One? What kind of stupid wiener name is that? "Hello, my name is Number One.

" And so forth.

We call each other by number.

Carl is Number 14, I'm Number 12.

Burnsie is Number 29.

- You outrank Mr.

Burns here? - Sure.


Hey, 29, get over here! Thank you, sir.

May I have another? Patience, Monty.

Climb the ladder.

- Is he the leader? - Of this chapter.

There are chapters all over the world.

And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will Okay, okay.

I didn't ask for your life story.

Let the initiation begin.

All Stonecutters must take the Leap of Faith.

If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven.

Happy landings! I think I have to do it again.

My blindfold came off.

This ritual is called Crossing the Desert.

And this we call the Unblinking Eye.

Hey, have you ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye? And exactly like the Wreck of the Hesperus.

And now the final ordeal: The Paddling of the Swollen Ass, with paddles.

And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs.

He should have to take a different oath.

Everyone takes the same oath.

Welcome to the club, Number 908.

You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth.

Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong.

He's already kind of heavy, you know, and Well, to be honest, I never got around to ordering that part for you.

So it's still gonna be a couple of weeks.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

- Really? - Yes.


But what if I were to shake your hand in this way? Well, I didn't realize you were a member.

So long, suckers.

- Same old space, huh, Dad? - Yep.

But they gave me these Rollerblades so I can glide to the front door.


- Jealous? - Well, no.

We've got the same chair.

You're jealous.

- Your membership pack.

- What's this? You put that on your car so you won't get any tickets.

This keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet.

Oh, and don't bother calling 911 anymore.

Here's the real number.

Homer, a man who called himself "you know who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you know what.

" Sure are popular now that you're a Stonecutter.

Oh, yeah.

Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoist AA meetings, beer night.

It's wonderful, Marge.

I've never felt so accepted in all my life.

These people look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the order in which I joined.

Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do We do Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do We do Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do We do Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do We do Thank you.

Tonight we are here to commemorate our glorious society's 1500th anniversary.

And in honor of this momentous occasion we're having ribs.

- Yeah! I need a bib.

If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my brethren.

So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal in the shadow of the hallowed sacred parchment.

- Homer.

- Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Lenny.

This is just appalling and outrageous.

What? Did I miss something? Oh, God! No, Homer, no! This is outrageous! You can't do that! - No! - You really are stupid.

And the official Stonecutter underwear too.

Please don't kick me out.

This society's everything to me.

Please give me another chance.

I've learned my lesson! I've learned my lesson! That's it! - How can we punish him further? - Oh, sorry.

Homer Simpson, for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever.

And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked dragging behind you the Stone of Shame.

The mark! Oh, that.

It's just a birthmark.

And I'll thank you not to stare.

He's the Chosen One.

You are the Chosen One whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory.

Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation.

Remove the Stone of Shame.

Attach the Stone of Triumph! Mental note: Don't overdo this.

Peekaboo! I always wondered if there was a God.

And now I know.

There is, and it's me.

- You're not a god, Homer.

- Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.

- So? - Beware the Ides of March.

- No.

- I know you're happy now but it won't last forever.

- Everything lasts forever.

Getting what you want all the time will leave you unfulfilled and joyless.

Remove the girl.

You're not with your Stonecutters.

There are no lackeys around to carry out your Another strike for the Chosen One! Hurrah! That's just an excellent break.

- Oh, most assuredly.

- Absolutely.

- I'm out.

- No, no, no.

Homer you have a royal sampler.

Oh, I win again, don't I? - Good one.

- Nice hand, Chosen One.

You know, I think you guys are letting me win.

No! No! No! From now on I want you to be honest with me.

I mean, I'm not perfect, right? - Yeah.

- Well Run.

The grand exalted leader requests a moment of your time.

Class dismissed.

Lisa, you were right.

My happiness is fading.

You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has isolated you from other human beings.

- What do you mean, isolated? Well, maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people.

I could help others.

I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up and make them reenact the Civil War.

Dad, that doesn't help people.

Couldn't hurt.

Unless the monkeys started hurting people.

Which they almost certainly would.


Brothers! Brothers, I've learned a wonderful lesson.

Helping others makes our own lives better and makes us better people.

So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer let us Stonecutters use what we have to help the less fortunate.

He's gone mad with power, like that Albert Schweitzer guy.

Oh, for the love of God! Somebody get the Jaws of Life! Higher! Higher! Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin.

You've won this round.

Oh, thank you, Mr.


It looks so much better.

A beautiful sky blue.

You were right, Lisa.

I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled.

And with my brothers the Stonecutters behind me this is the beginning of a better world for all of us.

- We gotta kill him! - Take it easy, Moe.

Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council before we act too rashly.

- Kill him.

- Kill him.

- Kill the fool! - Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack and Mister.

Can't we just do something to his voice box? We might as well face the truth.

As long as we're Stonecutters, he will control our lives.


But maybe we don't wanna be Stonecutters no more.

This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall.


I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient, mystic society of No Homers.

Hey, fellas.

Can I join? Sorry.

No Homers.

Loyal Stonecutters let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these Colobus monkeys.

Somebody's gonna get parasites.

Oh, Marge, kids, I miss my club.

Oh, Homie.

You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.

- The Black Panthers? - No, the family Simpson which has just five members.

And only two of those members have special rings.

- Yeah! - Yeah! I meant our wedding rings! You know, Marge, you're right.

The Simpson family is the best possible club I could belong to.

This club better be worth it.

All right, all right, it's Lisa's turn.

Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do We do Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do We do Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do We do Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do We do Shut up.