The Simpsons Episode Scripts

2F07 - Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Grampa vs.

Sexual Inadequacy We now return to the 1971 film Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great Frisco FreakOut starring Troy McClure.

Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds then what happened to the bag with our stash? There's more than one way to get high, baby.

Please, Marge.

How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late night TV? - Is there something wrong, Homie? It's just that I've only seen this twice before and I've seen you every night for the last 11 ye What I meant to say is, we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie.

I promise.


Mom! Dad! Don't turn on the light! There's a UFO outside my window.


Oh, Bart, it's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.

Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? - No.

- Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat in case a UFO comes? Yes, that's fine.

Good, good.

I hope you kept the Homie fires burning.

- Homer! Homer, wake up.

Wake up.

- What? We need to talk about the marital difficulties we've been having lately.

Marge, there's just too much pressure.

What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls political strife at home and abroad.

But I promise you the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.

I simply can't wait that long.

Maybe we should get some help.

- How about a book? - Okay.

A tasteful book.

Oh, all right.

Hey, Marge, this guy looks like Apu! I don't want people to see us looking at these books.

What you looking at? I'm just reading up on artillery.

Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in This one's a good choice and it's not smutty.

It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey.

That Midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa.


And Mrs.

Erotic American.

Mom, Dad, look! This biography of Peter Uebberoth is only 99 cents.

- And I found the new Al Gore book.

- Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow.

I hope it's as exciting as his other book: Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future.

I'm getting this book on UFOs.

Did you know they're real? But there's a conspiracy to cover it up.

Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.


Vice President, someone finally bought a copy of your book.

Well, this calls for a celebration.

Celebrate good times Come on! I will.

Hello, Americans.

Paul Harvey here.

Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American? It's true.

A famous couple I don 't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.

- Offered this advice: "Double your pleasure with a bath together.

" Homie, I can't quite fit.

The faucet's jammed into my back.

I'm stuck.

So am I.

- Kids? - Kids? - Kids? - Kids? A romantic vacation can provide titillation.

Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you at any of America 's fine AAA-approved motor lodges.

The Arabian Nights Room looks nice.

The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus.

Sorry there, Fred and Ethel.

Should have made a reservation.

We only got one room left.

The toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room.

Oh, here we are.

The Utility Room.

This isn't very erotic.

I think it's an actual utility room.

No, honey.

It's a romantic fantasy.

I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room.

Don't mind me, folks.

Just need to get the old wet-dry vac.

By now, your new improved love life should have you flinging woo like nobody's business.

So to you, Mr.

And Mrs.

Erotic American, I bid good day.

Welcome home, son.

I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.

- What's wrong with your wife? - You wouldn't understand.

- Flu? - No.

- Protein deficiency? - No.

Pneumonoultramicroscopic- silicovolcanoconiosis? - No.

- Unsatisfying sex life? N Yes! But please, don't you say that word.

What? Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.

You're home safe.

See you the next time we need your signature.

Oh, you never wanna spend any time with me.

But I can help you with your loving problem.

I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers.

Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.

Here you g Hey! Here you go, you ingrate! Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life.

Drink it! Here's $50.

Go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunt's.

Stay there.

Call you later.

Now, now, now.

- Homie, what's? - Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.

What do you think Mom and Dad are doing? I don't know.

Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one.

That tonic really works.

You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.

You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? You can make a lot of money.


Where are my pants? You threw them out the window.

You said you'd never need them again.

Oh, hurry, Neddie.

They're awful.

You just be ready with that garbage bag.

Oh, mama! This is finally really happening.

After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme.

And quick.

Sir? Hello, sir.


You look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife.

So I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug.

Let me sell it, you idiot.

Step right up and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic! Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, "her-prising," revitalizing tonic! I doubt very highly that one elixir can boast so many fantastic properties.

What say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding at the cyclotron, doctor.

Anything you say, professor.

Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together.

And I found something for Milhouse down at the mall too.

A pup tent.

Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard! Yeah! Every single night.

I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect is actually a mild form of poisoning.

No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.

Nonetheless What's going on? Where are all the grownups? Who cares? With no adults around, I run this city.

Carry on.

Listen to this.

"Unexplainable behavior.

Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena e.


Telephone explosions.

" Jeez! If it's in a book, it's gotta be true.

Scary, no? And this guy is head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa.

Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.

Hurry up.

We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit.

Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid.


I'm gonna be stuck in a car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.

And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation.

Now as for your generation And for the minimal outlay of one dollar you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario distilled Don Juan, catalytically carbonated Casanova.

Lock old Rover in the shed, because man has a new best friend in Simpson & Son's Revitalizing Tonic.

I'm not convinced.

I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.

All questions will be answered, all fears will be allayed with one incontrovertible demonstration.

May I have a volunteer from the audience? Yes, you, sir.

You've never seen me before, is that correct? That is correct.

Well, then how come his face is on the bottle? You're the worst shill ever! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.

They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.


It's now painfully clear.

The adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.

You fool.

Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Ockham's razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one.

- So, what's the simplest explanation? - I don't know.

Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.

- Reverse vampires! - Vampires! The undead! Hey, wait a minute.

That's Amos Pierson's moose farm.

Make a right here.

Why are we stopping at this dump? That's the house you grew up in, son.

Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.

Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in '63.

Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk.

Something must've spooked them good.

Stupid cows! Oh, memories.

If this old place could talk, it'd say There she is.

The old Radiation King.

You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.

If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark.

Look at me, Mom.

I am President Kennedy.

Oh, Abe, maybe our Homer could grow up to be president someday.

You, president? This is the greatest country in the world.

We've got a system set up to keep people like you from ever becoming president.

Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.

Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.

Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am.

Like a travel agent to a great scientist.

Or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.

Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.

Your whole life, you never said one nice thing to me.

That's because you're a screwup.

- You're the screwup! - Why, you little All right.

All right, that's it.

We're going home.

I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.

If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.

You were an accident! Get out.

- I'm sorry I said that.

- Out.

I'm gonna get out of the car.

And I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my Army training.


I'm sorry.

Hi? Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Of course not, Marge.

Just for the rest of his life.

He said I was an accident.

He didn't wanna have me.

You didn't wanna have Bart.

You're never supposed to tell the child.

You tell Bart all the time.

But when I do it, it's cute.

So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults.

- Milhouse.

- Okay, here's what we've got.

The Rand Corporation in conjunction with the saucer people - Thank you.

under the supervision of the reverse vampires are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.

We're through the looking glass here, people.

Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky nutty, chewy, chocolatey Put it away, boy! situation.

And your daddy has realized something very important.

A father should always make his kids feel wanted.

Starting now, I promise to spend more time with you and give you the attention you deserve.

I can't breathe.

And feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood.

The son who puts the fun in Simpson & Son my son, Barney.

I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.

That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.

I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.

It just ain't the same without Homer.

He knew how to drive a car.


My dear son.

From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father.

And for starters, your old man is gonna teach you how to ride your very first bike.

Dad, number one: I know how to ride a bike.

Number two: I already own a bike.

And number three: That is a girl's bike.

You're no girl, you're a boy.

A good boy.

You can be president.

- Scratch that.

You will be president! - Dad! I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing.

No, Dad.

I wanna get down.

This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me.

No! No! No offense, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.

But I'm using my whole ass.

Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be scary.

Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love.

But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.

- I'm sure he meant to say "drinking.

" - That's what I assumed.

Here's where it all started to go wrong.

How am I supposed to be a good dad when I never had one myself? Oh, Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning when I actually got to meet Santa Claus.

Some father.

Wait a minute Dad! This photo is a blessing.

It eases my pain.

This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble.

You've done all the damage you're gonna do.

Oh, nuts! - Dad! - Son! I'm a screwup.

I burned down our house.


I'm a screwup.

I burned down our house.

- You know what? - What? - We're both screwups.

- It doesn't matter.

What matters is you were right when you told me I never said anything nice about you.

So are you gonna say something nice now? I hadn't thought that far ahead.

Okay, here it goes.

I'm not sorry I had you, son.

And I was always proud that you weren't a short man.

Oh, Dad.

What do you say we roll on the grass, son? I'm with you, Dad.