The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F22 - Bart of Darkness

Well, you're certainly doing your job today, Mr.


Oh, rats.

And here we have the world-famous Beatles exactly as they looked performing on The Ed Sullivan Show.

I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price.

I'm up to my knees in the original cast of M* A * S *H.

- Homer, my hat goes off to you.

- It's cool in here, boy.

For the rest of the summer, we can live inside the refrigerator.

Homer, the fridge wasn't meant to be used this way.

Although I must say, it's certainly refreshing.

I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold.

Won't this overload the motor? Marge, can you set the oven to cold? Ice cream! Ice cream! I'm all out of ice cream! It's true, you know.

Ice cream! Ice cream! Fresh out of ice cream! Face it, Bart.

Our salvation isn't gonna roll by on the back of some stupid truck.

I gotta replace that window.

- Pool-mobile? - Pool-mobile? Look, Lis, I snatched five bathing suits.

All Martin's.

Take your best shot.

I'm wearing 17 layers.

I brought this on myself.

Okay, little dudes, time's up.

Everybody out! - Time's up? - So long, Lis.

I'm gonna stow away underwater and go where the pool goes.

Have a good life.

Sorry, Bart, dude.

We gotta fill this thing with Epsom salts and jam over to the old folks' home.

- Oh, well.

Same time tomorrow, Otto? No way, man.

One day of summer's all we're budgeted for.

I guess it is kind of a tease.

Dad? Dad? - Dad! - Yes, Lisa? Dad, as you know, we've been swimming.

And we've developed a taste for it.

We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go.

Now, before you respond, understand that your refusal would result in months and months of: - Can we have a pool, Dad? - Can we have a pool, Dad? - Can we have a pool, Dad? - Can we have a pool, Dad? I understand.

Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Over here we have the Hick Tub, the Insta-Rust.

That's the Lightning Magnet.

- That's the Tinkler.

- The Tinkler.

I like the sound of that.

We'll take it.

Is it true we should wait at least an hour after eating before we go in? Look, question lady, this job is not what I really do, okay? I play keyboards.

All right, everybody in the pool! 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.

- Is it a pool yet? - Yes, Dad.

Who could that be? Hello, Mrs.


Is your pool ready yet? Bart, are all these children friends of yours? Friends and well-wishers, yes.

- Hey, Bart.

- Hi, Bart.

- Hey, my buddy, Bart.

- Hello, Mrs.


People! People, it's time we all discussed the pool-safety rules.

Jump, Bart, jump! Jump, Bart, jump! You got it.

Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing! It is? See, epidermis means your hair.

So technically it's true.

That's what makes it so funny.

Pardon me a moment.

Hey, Nelson.

He's really hurt.

I think he broke his leg.

I said: I'm sorry, that leg's gonna have to come off.

Did I say leg? I meant that wet bathing suit.

I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.

I'm gonna miss the whole summer.

Don't worry, boy.

When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Isn't it amazing, the same day you got a pool is the same day we realized we liked you? The timing worked out great, don't you think? - Hi.

- Hey, guys! Sign my cast? Sign my cast? Guys? - Milhouse! - Hi, Bart.

Faithful Milhouse.

You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you? I think I lost my glasses in your pool.

I better go in and find them.

- But you're wearing your glasses.

- No, I'm not.

Oh, look.

Bart's all alone.

Maybe I should keep him company, at least for a little while.

- Hey, come watch this.

- Lisa! Hey, look.

Coming! Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy.


I get to spend the summer with my brain.

What fun can you have in a pool anyway that you can't have in a bathtub with a garbage bag taped around your cast? Traitors! Go on and have your pool! I'm fine by myself right here.

You know, this isn't so bad.

I'll just spend the summer getting better acquainted with an old friend called television.

Hope you enjoyed that, kids, because Krusty's out of here for the summer.

In the meantime, we'll be running classic Krusty.

Enjoy! Good evening.

Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO Chairman George Meany who will be discussing collective-bargaining agreements.

- It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty.

- Let me be blunt.

Is there a labor crisis in America today? Well, that depends what you mean by crisis.

There's nothing like rising with the sun for a quiet, peaceful dip in your very own pool.

Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Chlorine, eh? My face is on fire! Oh, look.

There's Bart.

Wave to him.

Maybe we should spend more time with Bart.

He's becoming isolated and weird.

"I swear I don't know where the bombs are! Only the miners know that!" "Maybe this will loosen your tongue.

" "No!" - Bart? - Don't turn on that light! Sorry, I just came to see how you were feeling.

- I'm fine, just fine.

- What are you writing here, a play? - No.

- "Cast of characters: Viceroy Fizzlebottom, a hearty cherub of a man" Give me that! It's a work in progress.


How do you like being Miss Popularity? Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great.

Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life! Well, anyway, I brought you a present.

Look, it's the telescope I won at the Optics Festival.

There was an Optics Festival and I wasn't informed? You go now.

- But - Go! What have we here? "The Lighter Side of Hippies.

" They don't care whose toes they step on.

This was a lovely idea, Homie.

Come here and kiss me.

Do not be alarmed.

Continue swimming naked.

Come on.


Come on All right, Lou, open fire.

Wow, the universe is so boring.

I know.

I'll use this to peer into Springfield's seamy underbelly.

It turned out it was his evil twin.

Grace, come here.

There's a sinister-looking kid I want you to see.

I'm never gonna see anything interesting with this stupid piece of junk.

That came from Flanders' house.

Oh, my God! What have I done? I've killed her! It can't be what it looks like.

This is Flanders we're talking about.

I'll just watch some TV.

Now, what you've been waiting for: Another long raga by Ravi Shankar.

- Shankar.

- Shankar.

Groovy, man.

This can't be what it looks like.

There's gotta be some other explanation.

I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn't! I'm a murderer! I'm a murderer! Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

I'm a mur-diddly-erdiler! If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Daddy, where's Mommy? We miss her.

Mommy had to go away.

She's with God now.

Can we go there too? Soon enough.

He's gonna kill Rod and Todd too! That's horrible in principle.

Look, Lisa.

I found this change on the bottom of the pool.

- You can have it.

- Thanks, Nelson.

Somebody took my juice money.

Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country.

There'll be hunting, charades and ever so many delightful, romantic misunderstandings.

- Lisa, Lisa! - Watch me! They're only using you for your pool, you know.

Shut up, brain.

I got friends now.

I don't need you anymore.

Yeah, I'd love to go to your house.

My plan has come to fruition.

Soon I'll be queen of summertime.

Oh, king.

King! Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this.

Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here.

I gotta think of a way to get out.

Well, well, well.

Look who 's come crawling back.

Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife! But why? She's such a fox.

I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people.

Remember how you got Grampa tarred and feathered? Sure.

That was 20 minutes ago.

Gonna be in the tub for a while.

Bart, I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you lately.

I got carried away with being popular.

But now that I'm unpopular again, I want you to know I'm here for you.

You can start making it up to me right now.

Flanders is leaving the house.

I want you to sneak in there and bring me some evidence! And something sweet.

Bart, I'm not gonna break into somebody's house.

All right.

You're right.

Let's just forget about that.

Here, let me read to you from my play.

"Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? Is it Saint Swiven's Day already? - 'Tis, replied Aunt Helga" - I'm going, I'm going.

A human head! Of course.

Oh, no.

He's back.

Flanders is back.

Lisa, get out of there! No, Lisa, don't go upstairs.

You'll be trapped! An ax! He's got an ax! I'll save you, Lisa! I'll save you by calling the police.

Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Rescue Phone.

If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one.

To choose from a list of felonies, press two.

If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone please stay on the line.

You have selected regicide.

If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

I'll save you, cast or no cast! Gotta save Lisa, trash can or no trash can.

Oh, no.

That sinister-looking kid is coming to kill me.

Help! Help! Oh, no.

Oh, no.

It's time to put you away.

Put you away for good.

No! What the gumdrops is going on here? I came to stop you from murdering Lisa like you murdered your wife! Murdered? Murdered? No, I've just been in the country for a week.

But I distinctly heard you say that Maude was with God.

That's right.

I was at Bible camp.

I was learning how to be more judgmental.

But I saw the murder, and then I saw you bury the corpse in the backyard! All right, it's true! I am a murderer! I over-watered Maude's favorite ficus plant I panicked, and then I buried the remains.

I was hoping to replace it before you got home.

But I heard a woman scream.

- Well, now, that I can't explain.

- We found it, chief.

Well, I guess that explains everything.

Not everything.

There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

- I'm right here.

- Oh, I see.

Then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package.

Really, I mean that.

Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

More friends! More allies! More, I say.

Hang those who talk of less.

There's a few inches over here.

My precious pool and its lifestyle accouterments.

No! - What a drag.

- I hear you.

The gentle caress of a summer breeze.