The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F05 - Bart's Inner Child

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Quit it, Bart.

Quit it.

Quit it.

- Quit it! Mom! Bart's making faces.

- [ Spoon Clatters On Floor ] Stop that, Bart.

Homer, speak to him.




[ Chuckles ] Stupid animals.

Ah, the daily newspaper.

Ooh, the Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away 60 soiled mattresses.

Why do you read that ''Free'' column, Homer? They never have anything good.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! - What is it? - ''Tramampoline.

'' ''Trambapoline.

'' - He said what now? - Please, don't bring home any more old crutches.

- [ Car Door Closes ] - [ Tires Screech ] Oh, no, you don't.

That trampoline is mine! - [ Panting ] -[ Bicycle Horn ] - [ Spits ] Huh? - [ Bicycle Horn ] - [ Laughs ] - [ Bicycle Horn ] - [ Laughing ] Yea.

- Hey.

That seltzer ain't free.

- [ Gasps ] Krusty! - That's me.

[ Goofy Laugh ] You here for the trampoline? - Yeah.

What's the deal? - Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks.

- There once was a man named Enis-- - I can just haul it away, free? Yep.

It's all yours.

[ Chortling ] [ Door Slams ] You're a good dog, aren't you, boy? Aren't ya? Hi, Son.

Hi, Son.

- Hmm? - Hi, Son.

Wow! [ Panting ] I can't believe it.


Whoo-hoo! Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering.

[ All Whooping ] - Hey, look at me.

- Whoa-ho.

- Bart, look.

- I will never get tired of this.

[ Lisa ] I'm gonna have my wedding here.

Whoa! Whoa! I don't know if this is a good idea.

Marge, it's the perfiect exercise.

It'll double the value of our house and it was free-- free! - Are you sure it's safe? - Absolutely.

And this is just the beginning.

I've got some big plans.

- "[ Calliope ] - [ Delighted Squeals ] - It smells funny in there.

- No, it doesn't.


[ Laughing ] Whoa.

Yea-- [ Grunts ] - [ Groans ] - Otto, are you okay? - Yeah.

Just pop my shoulder back in.

- [ Cracks ] Ooh.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, I lost my turn.

Oh! My arm.

Whee-- Ow! I bit my tongue.

Each leap brings us closer to God.

- Catch me, Lord.

Catch me.

Wh-- - Ow! - What have we done to make God angry? - You did it.

Stop jumping on me.

I'm hurt.

Kids, kids.

Once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.

- Homer, this is terrible.

- Okay.


I'll take care of it.

- Hmm? - [ Moaning ] [ All Moaning ] I told you this was a bad idea.

All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline.

Hey, Krusty.

I'm bringing back the-- You just keep right on driving.

[ Grunts ] There we go.

That's the last I'll see of Mr.


Yep, it's finally gone.

D'oh! [ Grunting ] If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.

[ Animal Howling ] I'm thirsty.

[ Screams ] - Checkmate, Mr.


- [ Whirring ] [ Homer Yelling ] Oh.

! All right.

All right.

You win for now but someday you'll rust! Rust, I tell ya! [ Hysterical Laughter] Dad.

Dad? - You really wanna get rid of this trampoline? - Uh-huh.


A bike lock.

[ Chain Rattles, Lock Clicks ] Now just turn around and count to three.

One, two, three.

Uh, better make it five.

- [ Chain Rattles ] - All right.

I got me a bed.

[ Dolph ] Shh.

! Quiet.

You'll wake up old man Simpson.

[Jimbo ] Hey, no more trampoline.

[ Dolph ] Let's jump on the car instead.

- [ Metal Thudding ] - [ Boys Grunting ] Okay, the trampoline was a bad idea.

But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things.

If it were up to you all we'd ever do is work and go to church.

- That's not true.

- Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.

I can name 1 0 things.

Um - I made sloppy joes.

- [ Scoffs ] That's not fun.

Kids, tell me the truth.

Am I no fun? Do I just nag all the time? - Um.

- Um.

- Well.

- Uh-- You should've called.

I was very worried.

We're on a tight budget here.

Bart, watch your language.

You are not going to perform that operation yourself.

[ Groans ] - See, Marge? - I didn't realize people saw me that way.

- Are you mad? - No, I'm fine.

I'm going to my sisters' now.

- [ Door Slams ] - [ Car Tires Squealing ] [ Ned ] Careful there, Marge.

You almost nicked me.

Well, your blood pressure is off the chart.

And I don't like this urine sample one bit.

You're headed for a nervous breakdown.

You need Brad Goodman.

His infomercial plays round the clock on Channel 77.

- [ Applause ] - Thank you, Martha Quinn.

There you have it.

Unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities.

She's one of my favorites.

I loved her in the thing I saw her in.

You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder in the ''feel bad'' rainbow.

Let's look at the rainbow.

What's in there? [ Reading List ] Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or G.



And chronic nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging, nagg-- - Sorry.

It does that sometimes.

- Nagging.



What up, Marge? I'm watching a videotape that could change our lives.

Oh, hi.

I'm Troy McClure.

You might remember me from such self-help videos as Smoke Yourself Thin and Get Confident, Stupid.

Well, now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health.

That's right.

It's the Brad Goodman something or other.

- Marge, can I go outside and play? - Shh.

A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem.

Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine.

[ Loud Gulp ] Ahh! Sweet liquor eases the pain.

And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the ''you'' in ''impr-you-vement.

'' - Brad Goodman.

- Thank you so much, Troy.

And, by the way, I'm not happy you're still drinking.

But, at least you're down to one from more than 50.

- [ Applause ] - Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications.

Well, I may not have a lot of ''credentials'' or ''training'' but I'll tell you one thing, I'm a Ph.


in pain.

Now, let me show you how you can change your life.

Troy, this circle is you.

My God, it's like you've known me all my life.

[ Applause ] Doctor, you've solved all my problems.

[ Gulps ] That video really opened my eyes.

I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive coculprit.

By nagging you when you do foolish things I just enable your life-script.

And that sends me into a shame spiral.


So from now on, I'm going to quit nagging and have more fun.

Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies? Uh-oh.

You're in for it now, Dad.

Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.

I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.

And I feel that you hear my shame.

I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.

- I feel validated by that.

- Good.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Me too.

[ Whistles ] - Hmm? - Hmm? Wow! For free.

Surplus drums of mayonnaise from Operation Desert Storm.

[ Gasps ] Brad Goodman is coming to town! Oh, Marge, you and I are fine now.

Who needs Brad Goodman? - [ Clattering ] - [ Whooping ] Yee-haw! Yahoo! Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.

- We know, Dad.

- I just thought I'd remind everybody.

After all, we did agree to attend a self-help seminar.

What an odd thing to say.

- [ Applause ] - Thank you.

Okay, folks.

Let me hear what's troubling you.

Don't be shy.

Yell it out.



- I, uh, can't commit to a relationship.

- I'm too nice.

- I have problems with-- - I'm always interrupting people.



Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting.

There's no trick to it.

It's just a simple trick.

Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner voice inside.

Your inner child.

[ Quietly ] Listen.

What's he saying? Stay the course, Big Ned.

You're doing super.

- Food goes in here.

- It sure does.

[ Italian Accent ] Hey, Moe.

Whatsa matter? - You no talka with your accent no more.

- Mamma mia.

Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work.

I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother.

Okay, I'll try.

[ Chuckles ] Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now.

I'm annoyed with you, Mother.

Not just annoyed, angry.

I'm a grown man now, and I can run my own life.

! [ Grunting ] [ Whispering ] Shh-shh.

Calm down.

Calm down.


You can sit down now.

We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother? You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else.

And as soon as you're not a human being you're a human doing.

- Then what comes next? - A human going! - [ Laughter] - Bart, be quiet.

Son, that's wonderful.

Come here.

Come up here.

- What made you yell out that remark? - I don't know.

You just wanted to express yourself, yes? - I do what I feel like.

- That's marvelous.

I-I couldn't have put it better myself.

''I do what I feel like.

'' People, this young man here is the inner child I've been talking about.

- What? - Son, you've never read any of my books, have you? - [ Snorts ] Earth to boring guy.

- [ Laughter] [ Laughs ] I get that means no, huh? I'm not so old-fashioned.

Your parents have done a fantastic job.

Mama? Papa? Could you come up here? - [ Applause ] - [ Man ] Yeah.

! Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is really remarkable.

Here we have a man with an obvious eating disorder and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle-- I'm sure worn only for shock value.

- [ Groans ] - And yet they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son.

- That's fantastic.

- Oh, thank you.

- We can all learn a lot from this young man here.

This-This-- - Rudiger.


And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-- - His name is Bart.

- His name isn't important.

What's important here is that this lad has fully developed ego integrity with well-defined boundaries.

[ Loud Snoring ] - [ Laughter] - [ Chuckles ] Isn't he-- People, I am excited.

I can sense a change in the air tonight.

You are all going to start living.

Really living.

[ All ] Yea! Living! Living! - Be like the boy.

- Be like boy! Be like boy! -Just the ladies.

- Be like boy! Be like boy! - Now, the seniors in the back.

- We like Roy! We like Roy! [ Chattering ] This is madness.

He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers.

And how.

[ Laughs ] A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a premoistened towelette.

Folks are finally accepting their feelings and communicating with no holding back.

And this reporter thinks it's about-- [ Beep ] time.

Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it.

[ Gurgling ] Lise, today I am a god.

Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich? Ew! [ Groans ] Now, instead of my boring old sermon I'm going to take a page from the book of Bart and do something I've always wanted to do.

Take five, Mrs.


" [ Ragtime ] - " [ Discordant ] - Wait.


I can do this.

- " [ Resumes ] - Wait.


Hold on.

[ Groans ] The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi.

Who can tell me what his first message was? - Uh-- - I want-a change-a my name-a.

- [ Laughing ] - Ah, good one, Milhouse.

Anyone else? The first message by wireless.

- It was-- - Our 1 0th caller will receive tickets to Supertramp.

[ Laughing ] Aw, geez.

Everybody's a comedian.

I'm blue.

Time for some of my patented spitting off the overpass.

- Aw, man! - [ All Spitting ] [ Cars Honking, Crashing ] [ Groans ] Lise, everyone in town is acting like me.

So why does it suck? It's simple, Bart.

You've defined yourself as a rebel.

In the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.

I see.

Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity.

You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant-oatmeal society.

- What's the answer? - This is your chance to develop a new and better identity.

May I suggest good-natured doormat? Sounds good, Sis.

Just tell me what to do.

Springfield will have its first annual Do What You Feel Festival this Saturday whenever you feel like showing up.

It'll be a welcome change from our annual Do As We Say Festival started by German settlers in 1 946.

- [ Ropes Creaking ] - If elected mayor my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders.

- [ Whispering ] Mike's on.

- I know it's on.

Park anywhere.

I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.

"[ Calypso ] " [ Humming ] I feel like such a free spirit and I'm really enjoying this so-called ''iced cream.

'' Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything I-I'd just like to say that-- [ Clears Throat ] - I love you.

- Hmm? In those colors.

[ Nervous Chuckle ] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time.

- [ Man ] My God.

They're naked.

- Double your pleasure, Springfield.

I'm sweating.

Let's ride through the car wash.

[ All ] Ew.

Arr! This picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.

This is great.

I can finally look like I want and not get hassled by the man.

[ Apu ] Cowabunga! Skateboards? You copycat wannabes.

- Ow! - Eat my shorts, young man.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival.

By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her.

I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.

- Yea! - Arr! And now to usher in this new era of feeling good here's the, uh, Godfather of Soul,James Brown.

" Ow! I feel good " " Huh, I knew that I would now " [ Grunts ] " I feel good " " Good God I knew that I would, hah " " So good " " So good I got you " [ Yells ] - [ All Gasp ] - Hey.

Wait a minute.

Hold on here.

This bandstand wasn't double-bolted.


- I didn't feel like it.

- Hey.

I hear you, buddy.

Uh, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation but my inner critic says you should've done your job.

Hey, now, Marge.

Let's not ''should'' this fella to death.


Next you'll be laying a guilt-trip on me for not oiling that Ferris wheel.

- [ Loud Screeching ] - [ Riders Screaming ] [ Screaming Continues ] [ Various Animal Noises ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Elephant Trumpeting ] In the, uh, spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think.

- You two screwed up royal.

- You know, I really don't feel like being blamed.

- I feel that you should shut up.

- You know, you really irritate me, Skinner.

What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture.

- Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice.

- Oh, really? Oh, now, now.

There's no need to resort to violence.

- Aw, sure there is.

- [ Clamoring ] I knew it.

If only I had nagged more.

God is angry.

We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.


You must not blame yourself, Reverend.

You must blame that little boy.

He started it all.

- Get him! - Eep.

[ Crowd Jeering ] - Here, boy.

In here.

- Huh? Hold on, Son.

[ Engine Puttering ] So long, suckers.


They're very slowly getting away.

- They're heading for the old mill.

- No, we're not.

Well, let's go to the old mill anyway, get some cider.

- [ Man ] That's a good idea.

- Let's get some cider.

Aw, boy.

If only Bart had been a better role model for everyone.

That's not fair.

The lesson here is that self-improvement is better left to people who live in big cities.


Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix.

It's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.

That's what I've been saying.

We're all fine the way we are.

- [ TVClicks On ] - Ooh, it's that new show about the policeman who solves crimes in his spare time.

- Crank it, Homer.

- You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle.

Did you really have to break so much furniture? You tell me, Chief.

You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.

Ah, McGonigle eases the pain.

- You're off the case, McGonigle.

- You're off your case, Chief.

[ Chief] What does that mean exactly? [ Homer ] It means he gets results, you stupid chief!.

- [ Lisa ] Dad, sit down.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- [ People Chattering ] - Shh!