The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F04 - Treehouse of Horror IV

[ Ghostly Shriek ] [ Evil Laughter ] [ Gunfire ] [ All Moaning ] Paintings: Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop.

But at night, they take on a life of their own.

They become portals to hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that-- Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening.

Maybe they'd rather listen to that War of the Worlds broadcast on N.



, hmm? - Yes, Mother.

- Good.

Now, you hold Maggie.

I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop.

[ Sighs ] The subject of our first painting tonight is the most foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth.

Of course, I refer to-- [ Muffled ] The devil.

And next in our fall catalog-- we love this-- it is a vision in raspberry cream.

[ Applause ] Ohh! Pure genius.

[ Gurgling ] Oh! And now to make the leap from dreams to reality.

Sorry, Homer.

While you were daydreaming, we ate all the doughnuts.

Well, there were a few left, but we chucked 'em at an old man for kicks.

Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet! All right.

Stay calm.

Remember your training.

''Dear Homer, I.



one emergency doughnut.

Signed, Homer.

'' Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Oh! I'd sell my soul for a doughnut! - [ Rumbling ] - Well, that can be arranged.

Flanders! You're the devil? It's always the one you least suspect.

Now, many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting upon the grave ramifica-- - Do you have a doughnut or not? - Coming up.

Just sign here.

Careful, hot pen.


Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.

Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir.

He's your 11:00.

[ Gasps ] Ah! Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for-- Hey, wait, if I don't finish this last bite you don't get my soul, do you? - Uh, technically no, but--- - I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev-- You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson! Not likely.

[ Chuckles ] [ Muttering ] Hm.



Mmm! Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

- Hmm? - Well, well.

Finishing something? [ Screams ] [ Whimpering ] [ Gasps ] - Homer, did you eat that doughnut? - No.

Your wide behind won't save you this time.

Hey, Bart.

- Hey.

- Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial? Oh, you Americans with your ''due process'' and ''fair trials.

'' This is always so much easier in Mexico.

All right.

Very well.

We'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight.

Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell! [ Screaming ] [ Sighs ] That wasn't so bad.

Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! So, you like doughnuts, eh? - Uh-huh.

- Well have all the doughnuts in the world! [ Cackling ] More.

Mmm! I don't understand it.

James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

[ Chiming ] - Homer, are you all right? - No.


Simpson, don't you worry.

I watched Matlock in a bar last night.

The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Court of Infernal Affairs is now in session.

Very well.

But first, some ground rules.

Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half hour.


Number two: The jury will be chosen by me.


No, wait! Silence! I give you the jury of the damned! Benedict Arnold.

Lizzie Borden.

Richard Nixon.

But I'm not dead yet.

In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.

- Hey, listen, I did a favor for you.

- Yes, master.

John Wilkes Booth.

Blackbeard the Pirate.

John Dillinger.

And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

- [ Gasps ] - [ Chattering ] I'm sorry, Mr.


We're low on chairs, and this is the last one.

Arr! This chair be high, says I.

[ Clears Throat ] I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson pledging me his soul for a doughnut! Which I delivered! And it was scrum-didilly-umptious.

I simply ask for what is mine.

- [ Murmuring ] - That was a right pretty speech, sir.

But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as ''an agreement under the law which is unbreakable.

'' ''Which is unbreakable''! Excuse me.

I must use the restroom.

[ Door Slams ] Uh, Mr.

Hutz? Homer Simpson, I have no choice but to sentence you to an eternity of-- Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see.

That's a photo of Homer and me at our wedding.

Wait a minute.

You got married in an emergency room? Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself before the wedding.

Read the back! The back! Arr.

'Tis some kind of treasure map.

- You idiot, you can't read.

- Aye, 'tis true.

My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

''Dear Marge, You have given me your hand in marriage.

''All I can give you in return is my soul which I pledge to you forever.

'' [ Murmuring ] We've heard enough.

Your Honor we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of the devil.

[ Groans ] - Yea! - Whoo-hoo-- Ow! All right, Simpson.

You get your soul back.

But let that ill-gotten doughnut be forever on your head.

[ Homer Screams ] [ Homer Chewing ] - Homer, stop picking at it.

- Oh! But I'm so sweet and tasty.

[ Sighs ] Well, time to go to work.

Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.

Don't worry, boys.

He's gotta come out of there sometime.

The next exhibit in our ghoulish gallery is entitled-- the ''School Bus''? Oh! Oh! They must mean the ''Ghoul Bus.

'' Nope.

It says right there, ''School Bus.

'' Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

[ Sighs ] Hey, Bart, look! Krusty trading cards! The long-awaited Eighth Series! [ Bart ] ''Krusty visits relatives in Annapolis, Maryland.

'' ''Krusty poses for trading card photo.

'' Hmm.

He seems to be running a little low on ideas.

- Well, at least you got the gum.

- Oww! I cut my cheek! Whoa! Whoa! - [ Screaming ] - [ Horn Blaring ] Oh-- I hope this is sweat.

Bart, what's wrong? I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death.

- And? - Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare.

- Don't worry, honey.

The scary part's over.

- [ Horn Blaring ] Marge, look at all this great stuff I found at the marina! - It was just sitting in some guy's boat.

- [ Horn Blaring ] Hello, Simpson.

I'm riding the bus because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone.

- She was right to do it.

- Excuse me.

Bart's a little upset this morning so could everyone please be extra-nice to him? [ All Laughing ] Hey, where's your diaper, baby? Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.

[ Groaning ] [ Snarling ] [ Gasps ] Milhouse! Milhouse, wake up.

- Quick, look out the window.

- No way, Bart.

If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies or even the dreaded rear admiral.

Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus! Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude.

I'll get rid of it.

No! Oh, no.

I just made my last payment.


[ Screams ] Everybody! There's a monster on the side of the bus! [ Yelling ] Hey, there's no monster.

- You're deceptive.

- I don't see anything.

Hey, who's driving the bus? Ooh! Una momento, por favor.

Foolish Earthlings.

Frightened of a creature that does not exist.

[ Laughing Loudly ] [ Grunting ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Groans ] Now, I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.

- No! No, it's true! There's a monster on the bus.

- The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules.

Oh! [ Groaning ] [ Screaming ] Ach.

Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud.

So I had to put [ Groaning ] You believe me, don't you? You're my friend who believes me.

Sweet, trustworthy Milhouse.

Actually, Bart, you're kinda creepin' me out.

Uh, I think I'm gonna go sit, uh w-with that foreign exchange student.

Oh, guten Tag.

! Would you care for a bite of my Vengelerstrasse bar? I also have a bag of marzipan JoyJoys! The gremlin's takin' off the wheel! Stop the bus or we're all gonna die! Aaah! Take me bridle and lash his hands to the seat! Would you like another lick of my flavor wax? Uh, sure.

Well, now that we're friends, Uter how 'bout loosening these straps, huh? Ja, das ist gut.

[ Groans ] [ Screaming ] [ All Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Growling ] - [ Grunting ] - Hey, boy! - [ Horn Blaring ] Pull, Willie! Pull! I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle walker! Oh, dear Lord! It's some sort of hideous monster.

Aw, isn't that cute? He's trying to claw my eyes out.

Whoa! Gadzooks! Look at the bus! I was right, I tell ya! I was right! Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man.

Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse - will teach you some manners.

- Ha-ha! [ Sighs ] At least now I can get some rest.

Hidilly-ho, Bart! We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening.

To even gaze upon it is to go mad.

[ Shrieks ] They're dogs, and they're playing poker! Aaah! [ Crazed Laughter] We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense.

So we just threw something together with vampires.

Enjoy! [ Kent Brockman On TV] Another local peasant has been found dead drained of his blood, with two teeth marks on his throat.

This black cape was found on the scene.

Police are baffled.

We think we're dealing with a supernatural being most likely a mummy.

As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed.

Nice work, Ed.

No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead.


Das Vampyr.

A vampire! [ Chuckles ] Lisa, vampires are make-believe.

Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

In a completely unrelated story, Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal to buy the Springfield Blood Bank.

Oh, I'm very excited about this deal.

What? Oh.

Precious blood.


Business deal.

It sure was nice of Mr.

Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in Pennsylvania.

Ah, there's something fishy about this whole setup.

Lisa, stop being so suspicious.

Did everyone wash their necks like Mr.

Burns asked? - Yes.

- Sure did.

- [ Doorbell Chimes ] - [ Mr.

Burns Over Speaker] Welcome.

Come in.

Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.

- [ Smithers ] Sir, you have to let go of the button.

- Oh, son of a bit-- Well, if it isn't my good friends, the, uh-- - Simpson family, master.

- Simpson, eh? Excellent.

Dad, do you notice anything strange? Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.

- I heard that! - It was the boy! [ Gasps ] Ooh! Punch! Eww.

Dad, this is blood.

Correction-- free blood.


Bart and I have to go wash up.

But you didn't get any on me-- Ugh-- Wh-- Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire.

And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place.

You're probably right.

Let's just go back.

[ Gasps ] - Satisfied? - Big deal.

It's no different from the basement in Grampa's rest home.

Look! [ Gasps ] Oh, my God! - [ Muttering ] - Please, Bart.

I've seen your stupid Shemp.

Nyung, nyung, nyung, nyung! Yeah, I've seen your Curly too.

- [ Growls ] - [ Screams ] I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee! - [ Growling ] - [ Screaming ] Well, if it isn't little-- uh, boy.

Mom, Dad! Mr.

Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart! [ Mr.

Burns ] Why, Bart is right here.

Hello, Mother.

Hello, Father.

I missed you during my uneventful absence.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories.

''Bart is a vampire.

'' ''Beer kills brain cells.

'' Now, let's go back to that building thingy where our beds and TV is.

[ Screaming ] Come join us, Lisa.

It's so cool.

You get to stay up all night drinking blood.

And if you say you're a vampire you get a free small soda at the movies.

No! No! Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here.

Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- [ Gasps ] Wait a minute! You are a vampire! Quick! We have to kill the boy! How'd you know he's a vampire? He's a vampire? Aaah! [ Cackling ] Homer, we gotta do something.

Today, he's drinking people's blood.

Tomorrow, he could be smoking.

The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire Mr.


Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? This is dangerous.

I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie.

[ Gasps ] Super fun happy slide! - No, Dad.

- Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

You must drive this stake right through his heart.

Take that, vile fiend! Uh, Dad, that's his crotch.

[ Laughs ] Oh, sorry.

[ Screaming ] No! [ Groaning ] - You're fired! - D'oh! It's so nice having everything back to normal.

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood.

Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash.

- Grampa's a vampire? - We're all vampires.

But, no, we killed Mr.


You have to kill the head vampire.

You're the head vampire? No, I'm the head vampire.

! [ Laughs ] - Mom? - I do have a life outside this house, you know.

- Mom? - I do have a life outside this house, you know.

- [ Screams ] - [ Hissing ] Happy Halloween, everybody! " [ Vocalizing: ''Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'' ] [ Woman Screaming ] "[ Macabre Organ ]