The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F01 - Rosebud

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] "All we own, we owe " "All we own, we owe " - Shh! - [ Quietly ] "All we own, we owe " "All we own, we owe " [ Shuddering, Groaning ] "Tra la la la la la Tra la la la la " I am the happiest boy there is.

Aren't I, Bobo? Mmm! - Happy! Come here, Happy! - Yes, Mumsy? Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving, natural parents or would you rather live with this twisted, loveless billionaire? Let's roll.

Wait! You forgot your bear-- a symbol of your lost youth and innocence! [ Sighs ] Oh, well.

At least we still have his little brother, George.

" Ba ba ba bum Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home " " Ba ba ba bum " Trust me.

It'll be funny when I'm an old man.

[ Muttering ] I want my teddy.

Ah, Bobo.


Ah! Oh, it's you.

- The bedpan's under my pillow.

- Who's Bobo, sir? Bobo? [ Stammering ] I, uh, meant Lobo.

Uh, Sheriff Lobo.

They never should have canceled that show.

I see.

On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.

- I won't get what I really want.

- No one does.

" [ Singing ] Mmm.



Bring back Sheriff Lobo! Lobo! Lobo! [ Screams ] - What, Homie? - Oh, no! Burns's birthday! - What's wrong? - Every time Mr.

Burns has a birthday all his employees have to help out at the party and I always get some terrible job.

Where is that dreaded pinata? Ow! Ow! Ow! Missed me.

Heh-heh! Ow! Hmm! - [ Laughter ] - [ Grunting ] Not funny.

And the one in my pants really hurts.

That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers-- Who is he? Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from Sector 7G.

- But I don't think that-- - I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party.

I must harness his fractured take on modern life.

Fine, sir.

I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material.

[ Laughing ] - I'm so funny.

This is gonna be great.

- What are you doing? I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr.

Burns for his birthday party.

- Is ''poo poo'' one word or two? [ Laughs ] - [ Laughs ] I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.

Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr.

Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart.

Well, I also do a delightful impression of him.

[ Chuckling ] I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! [ Both Laughing ] Yeah! [ Both Groaning ] Now, I'm not saying Mr.

Burns is incontinent-- - [ Laughing] Incontinent! - [ Laughing ] - Too rich.

- Does either of you know what ''incontinent'' means? - Lisa, don't spoil our fun.

- Come on, dear.

It's time to go.

Okay, stupid! Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss.

Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition.

It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters.

Hey, Flanders! You smell like manure! Uh-oh.

Better cancel that dinner party tonight.

Thanks for the nose news, neighbor! [ All Grumbling ] - Hey! No one-termers.

- Ah! You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.

Get away from me, loser.

[ Smithers On P.


] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ''Montgomery Burns-- - A Life.

'' - [ Applause ] - Oh, Bobo.

- Hmm.

- [ Applause ] - Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far.

- Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.

- [ Applause ] Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.

- I'd just like to say this gig sucks! - Hey, up yours, Springfield! One, two, three, four! - " Happy birthday to you " - " Happy birthday " - " Happy birthday to you " - " Happy birthday " " Happy birthday, Burnsie " " Happy birthday to you " - [ Applause ] - Go to hell, you old bastard.

Hey, I think they liked us.

Have the Rolling Stones killed.

- Oh, sir, those aren't-- - Do as I say! [ Burns Scoffs ] Stinks.


DustBuster? Yech! - [ Groans ] - Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles.

There's a satellite hookup on that monitor.

If you'll just turn your head slightly-- Bah! No time.

Next! I have some sad news to report.

A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.

- [ All Gasp ] - Now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson! - Are you ready to laugh? - Oh, that poor dog.

I said, ''Are you ready to laugh?'' Quiet, you awful man.

- You know, Mr.

Burns is so cheap-- - What? I ju-- I mean, you know, Mr.

Burns is so old-- - How dare you! - Whoo-hoo.

Tough crowd.

Better bring out the big guns.

[ Clears Throat ] Here's an impression of Mr.

Burns that you might find a little cheeky.

- [ All Gasp ] - I'm Mr.


Blah, blah, blah.

Do this, do that.

Blah, blah, blah.

I think I'm so big.

Blah, blah, blah! - Destroy him.

- Blah, blah, blah.

Look at me-- Ow! This party is over.

[ Guests Screaming ] Oww! Where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

I'd like to believe that this time.

I really would.

Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father.


Dad, I know you're discouraged - but, please, don't deny the world your fat can.

- Don't worry, boy.

- [ Patting ] - She'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

- I knew it.

- [ Burns Groans ] - I knew it.

- [ Burns Groans ] Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr.

Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word ''suckers'' in it.

- Yes, yes, yes.

So what? - You want your bear, Bobo, don't you? Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime! [ Groaning ] Resistance is futile.

[ Grunts, Sighs ] Oh, God, how I want my bear.

But he's gone-- gone forever.

I'd give anything to know what happened to him.

Why, put some grease in your garter, Lindy! You're late! [ Crowd Cheering ] - [ Bomb Whistles, Explodes ] - [ Groans ] This is all your fault! [ Grunts ] [ Men Grunting ] You gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag.

We lost four more men on this expedition.

If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.

- Yeah.

He's got us there.

- Beats me.

Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it.

Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of heady goodness.

Hey, it's a teddy bear! [ Sniffing ] Ew, gross.

It's probably diseased or something.

Here, Maggie.

"[ Dramatic Chord, Needle Scratches Record ] "[ Needle Crackles On Record, Dramatic Chord ] [ Approaching Footsteps ] [ Smithers ] Here's something that should cheer you up, sir.

It's me, sir-- Bobo.

Hug me.

Squeeze me.

Tug at my fur.

[ Growls ] Enough! Stop this grotesque charade.

Now, find my teddy.

Oh, and, uh, leave the costume.

The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable ''wittle'' bear in the world, could be anywhere.

It could be in your house.

You could be looking at it right now.

It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth - perhaps being held up by a loved one.

- Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV.

Put that moldy, old bear down.

Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat! Well, it's not your original bear, of course, hey.

- But it is programmed to be just as cuddly.

Ah, doggone it.

- [ Beeping ] - [ Mechanical Growl ] - It's supposed to be doing a little dance.

- Heh! - Eh! Ooh! Get the bear off!.

- I got him.

[ Grunts ] - Tryin' to turn it off.


Bear want to live.

[ Growling ] "[ Choir Vocalizing ] Uh! Huh! Uh! [ Panicked Yelling, Shouting ] D'oh! Son of a-- You stupid stair! Uh! Ooh! [ Gasps ] How long have we had these fish? Wait.

The bear-- Burns's bear.


'' It's Mr.

Burns's bear all right.

Well, Burns isn't getting this back cheap.

I can tell you that.

He's gonna have to give me my own recording studio.

"Two all-beef patties special sauce, lettuce, cheese " " Pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun " [ Moaning ] [ Man Over Speakers ] Homer,you're drooling on the mike again.

I think we should just give him the bear that he cherishes so much.

[ Both Laughing ] Hmm.

Better sew that eye back on.

No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail.

- He'll pay more money if he thinks the bear's in danger.

- Yes, we'll send the eye.

I'm sure he'll offer us a fair reward, and then we'll make him double it.

- Huh? - Hmm? Well, why can't I be greedy once in a while? Bobo.

My beautiful Bobo.

- I promise I'll never leave you behind again.

- [ Clears Throat ] Ah, yes.

Naturally, I can't pay you much of a reward, because I'm strapped for cash.

[ Creaking ] Ooh! Uh! As you can see, this old place is falling apart.

- But I'm sure we can come to an understanding.

- Yes, sir.

[ Thinking ] Reject the first offer.

Reject the first offer.

- May I offer you a drink? - Sorry, Burns.

No deal! [ Grunts ] Ah, don't worry, Smithers.

He's playing hardball now but it won't take him long to crack.

[ Cracking Sound ] Whoo-hoo! I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink.

Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay.


That makes sense.

- [ Yelps ] No! No! Let me go! - [ Family Shouting, Grunting ] I knew you'd come crawling back.

- How much do you want? - A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands-- - good ones, not the leper ones.

- Done! Now give me that bear! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Rich, I tells ya! Here ya go.

[ Grunting ] It seems to be stuck.

Bad baby! Bad Maggie! [ Whimpering ] Give me the bear.

The bear.

The bear! [ Exasperated Sigh ] Here you go, Maggie.

The deal's off, Mr.


The bear stays here.

- You've made a mistake, Simpson.

- [ Growling ] Aw, big deal.

Who needs his money? - We're gettin' by okay.

- [ Crashing ] Son! You gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here and I don't have any insurance! So, how's by you? [ Clicking ] Excellent shot, Smithers.

I'll be squeezing my Bobo in no time.

Howdy, gents.

What can I didilly-do ya for? [ Moaning ] [ Thud ] Remember, Smithers, in and out in 18 seconds.

- Uh! - Mm! - More cocoa, Mr.

Burns? - Yes.

[ Suction Cups Popping ] [ Switch Clicks ] Mmm.

Sixty-four slices of American cheese.


[ Gobbling ] Sixty-three.


[ Weak Gobbling ] One.

- Have you been up all night eating cheese? - I think I'm blind.

- [ Suction Cups Pop ] - [ Burns Grunts ] - Wha-- - Good day to you.

- [ Groans ] [ Clears Throat ] Excuse me.

We wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness of his children more than money.

- Right here.

- Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball.


My life can't get any worse.

- [ Smithers On P.


] Homer Simpson, report for much worse duties.

- D'oh! Ow! Ow! After lunch, can I whip you? - Nope.

- Aw, no fair.

- [ Whip Cracks ] - Ow! - Hmm.

I wonder what makes it turn.

- Who cares? Maggie, I know you like the bear but wouldn't you be just as happy playing with this box! See, Maggie? See the fun box? " Do do do do do do Do do do do " [ Giggling ] No! My box! My box! [ Giggling ] [ Groans ] I think we need a new hair dryer.

Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr.

Burns's money.

I don't hate you.

I'm proud of you.

You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most.

Oh, thanks, Marge.

But it'll take a lot more than that to comfort this tortured soul.

[ Giggles ] Hey, boxy.

[ Laughing ] Two plus two is four.

Two plus two is four.

- Two plus two is four.

- [ Laughs ] I can see why this is so popular.

Look at him.

- [ Chuckles ] - Two plus two is four.

Two-- - Give me my bear, Simpson! - [ Shrieks ] It's The Sou-ou-oul Mass Transit System.

[ Panting ] Give it to me.

- [ Remote Control Clicks ] - [ Chuckles ] El yoyo es grande.

- [ Grunts ] - Ay, chihuahua! As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels and you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in! - Whoa! That bites.

- Holy crap! - [ Gasps ] - What's that you say? You can live without television as long as you have beer? - That's right.

- Wrong.

All beer trucks heading toward Springfield have been diverted.

This town will be as dry as a bone.

And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys out there have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.

- [ Sinister Chuckling ] - [ Doorbell Rings ] - Homer, give him what he wants! - [ Hammer Cocking ] - Oh, Barney, leave me alone.

- Whoops! [ Barney Thuds, Gun Fires, Glass Breaks, Woman Screams ] - [ Siren Wailing ] - [ Barney ] Uh-oh.

My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man.

- Let's get him! - Wait! Why are we gettin' him? - Look, fellas.

The first snapdragon of the season.

- Never mind! - Let's just get him! - Yeah! - Uh! - Smithers, I'm home! - [ Canned Laughter] - What? Already? - [ Canned Laughter] - Yes.

- [ Canned Laughter] Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse? Ah, it's about the same.

Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers! - [ Crashing, Canned Laughter, Applause ] - [ Laughing ] I love this show.

[ Mob Shouting ] Well, well.

Look who's come to apologize.

- Come on! Let's go in there and get the bear! - [ All Shouting ] [ Thumping ] - Hah! I got it.

- [ Cheering ] Ah, geez.

Will you look at that? - [ Moans Softly ] - Hmm? - What have we become? - We've given the word ''mob'' a bad name.

[ Cheerful Chattering ] [ Man ] Oh, she'll break a lot of hearts, Homer.

- Well, what should we do now? - Hey, everybody, let's go sing at the hospital.

" For we've got high hopes " "We've got high hopes " [ Doorbell Rings ] - Simpson, look what you've reduced me to.

- [ Snaps Fingers ] Please! Please! But, Mr.

Burns, it's not my bear.

- It's Maggie's.

- Eh.

So, good sand today, hmm? Heh! Oh, well.

I don't usually, eh-- Well, just this once.

Eww! Damn you paparazzo! Uh! Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of thought.

I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement.

[ Grunting ] [ Panting ] Beaten by an infant.

What could be more humiliating? - What a scoop! - Okay, Maggie.

You win.

But I want you to do something for me.

Hang on to that bear.

Don't make the same mistake I made.

[ Sighs ] [ Sucking Sounds ] For me? Bobo? Ahh! Smithers, I'm so happy.

Something amazing has happened.

I'm actually happy! Take a note: From now on I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone! I'm sorry, sir.

I don't have a pencil.

Ah, don't worry.

I'm sure I'll remember it.

Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr.

Burns got what he wanted.

Marge, I'm confused.

Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? It's an ending.

That's enough.

And there you go.

Ah, Bobo.

Reunited at last.

But I can't help but wonder what the future holds for you.

[ Yawning ] Ah, yes.


[ Homers Grunting ] D'oh! D'oh! - [ Yelps ] - [ Sighs ] Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I'll never leave you behind again.

Wait for me, sir.


- [ People Chattering ] - Shh!