The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F02 - Homer Goes to College

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Snoring ] [ Snoring ] [ Alarms Blaring ] [ Woman's Voice On P.


System ] Core meltdown in 10 seconds.

Nine, eight-- - [ Alarms Stop ] - Meltdown averted.

Good boy! [ Moaning, Yawning ] [ Snoring, Purring ] [ Whimpering ] [ Buzzes ] [ Mr.

Burns Groaning ] What? How dare you disturb me during nap time? We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

This is a surprise test of worker competence.

There must be some mistake.

We, uh-- We make cookies here.


Burns's Old-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy-- Get the ax.

The watchdog of public safety.

Is there any lower form of life? Don't worry, sir.

I rounded up our less-gifted employees and led them into the basement.

- [ Dripping ] - [ Mouse Squeaking ] Duh, Homer, why are we down here? Oh, geez! I told ya, Bernie-- to guard the bee! - But why? - Oh, you guys are pathetic.

No wonder Smithers made me head bee guy.

- Uh, it's gettin' away.

- Oh, we did bad! - [ Buzzing ] - Hey! Uhh! Oh! Hey! Come back! Is there a Homer Simpson present? No, I'm afraid he couldn't ''bee'' here.

[ Both Chuckling ] Oh, yes, he's in Geneva chairing a conference on nuclear fission.

[ Mutters ] Yes, that should stick.

D'oh! The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big! [ Sighs ] Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation.

[ Quietly ] Hmm? Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector 8.

What the hell are you talking about? What do I do? What do I do? [ Sobbing ] In the name of God, you've gotta tell me! Relax.

It's just a simulator.

Nothing can go wrong.

[ Muttering ] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.

- [ Rumbling ] - Oh! Ohh! Oh, no.

No! This can't be happening! [ Bystanders Screaming ] [ Gasps ] For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

[ Mr.

Burns Groaning ] [ Roaring ] Must destroy mankind.

- [ Beeping ] - Ooh! Lunchtime.

[ Blubbering ] We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown.

There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Very well.

It's time for your bribe.

Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

The box.

The box! Burns, this is a big problem.

You just can't throw money at it and make it go away.

Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.

You're in big trouble, Burns.

Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics.

You get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.

Is that so? Well, I have the feeling you'll be dropping the charges.

- The painters moved your desk, sir.

- Oh, yes.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Hello, Simpson.

My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.

Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares? - [ All Murmuring ] - Yes, he would.

- So you want me to go to college? - College? - Ha! Barber or clown? - Bart! Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101 .

Oh, and one more thing.

You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.

Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey.

It was in your glove compartment.

- And the road maps and ice scraper? - They were in there too, sir.

Excellent! It's all falling into place.

I think this is a great opportunity.

You could learn so much.

Maybe you're right.

I did always want to go to college.

But fate stood in the way.

Homer, sign this application and you're a shoo-in.

- [ Panting ] - [ Laughing ] That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see! [ Door Opens ] - [ Growling ] - Give me that ham, you stupid dog! - [ Grunting, Yelling ] - [ Sighs ] [ Frustrated Growl ] Dad, don't let these application essays throw you.

Let's see: ''List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life.

'' - Is TVGuide a book? Son of Sniglet? - No.


- Katherine Hepburn's Me? - No! Ohh! I suck! It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.

You the man, Homer! Thanks, boy.

Now for the crowning touch.

I don't know, Dad.

Don't you have a better picture? Relax.

A photo can't make any difference.

- He looks crazy.

- Agreed.

Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.

[ TV.

:Announcer ] Finally, the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce in a soft drink! [ TV.

:Man ] Ahh! Steaky! Sorry, son, but there's a program about campus life that I really should watch.

We now return to School of Hard Knockers starring Corey Masterson.

Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit.

As you know, I am the president of the United States.

Oh, don't worry.

I've expelled those rowdy members of Chug-a-Lug House.

Oh, I hate that lousy dean.

Your bra bomb better work, Nerdlinger.

- Mm-kay! - [ Explosion ] [ Gasps ] Cory! [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, Mr.


I-- Mr.

President! Lighten up, Bitterman! That youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet.

Secretary of partying down! [ Angry Growling ] Yes! Take that, Bitterman! Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! - D'oh! - Pop, what are you gonna do? Something I should have done a long time ago.

- You don't know, do you? - No, ma'am.

Don't worry, Simpson.

It just so happens I have a chair at Springfield University.

[ Growling ] I'm sorry, Mr.

Burns, but I must object.

- This Simpson is not qualified.

- [ All Murmuring Agreement ] - [ Continues Growling ] - I see.

Well, you know, fellas, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team.

You all like baseball, don't you? [ All Murmuring Agreement ] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club you need teamwork.

Not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! [ Grunting ] Excuse me.

What are you doing? [ Grunting Continues ] I'm giving you the beating of your life! Look, if-- Stop that.

If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? [ Yells ] Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Whoo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! " I am so smart I am so smart " " I am so smart I am so smart " " S-M-R-T I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T " My first day of college.

I wish my father was alive to see this.

Hey! - How long have you been back there? - Three days.

Nerd! Homer-- That isn't very nice.

Marge, try to understand.

There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds.

As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

- Hey, pal! Did you get a load of the nerd? - Pardon me? " [ Rock ] [ Chuckling ] I'll be a campus hero.

[ Spits ] Attention, everyone.

- The punch has been spiked! - [ All Gasping ] Don't worry.

Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! [ All ] Yea! Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids.

And unless movies and TV have lied to me it's a crusty, bitter, old dean.

Hi there.


I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby.

I just want you to know, if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever I'm always up for some Hacky Sack.

Or if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders.

" [ Fast Riff] Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101 .

I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying-- ''Out with the old, in with the nucleus.

'' Now we'll begin by-- Oops.

[ Laughing Loudly ] Ah, did you see that jerk? [ Laughing Continues ] Dropped his notes! [ Laughing More Loudly ] Now, if anyone would like to stay I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class.

- Do we have to? - No.

Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

[ Giggling ] Whoo-hoo! " [ Rock ] Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.

Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus.

Besides, it isn't costing us.

I swiped the cinder blocks from a construction site.

Sir, six cinder blocks are missing.

There'll be no hospital then.

I'll tell the children.

This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it-- Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac but I worked in a nuclear power plant for 10 years and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.

- Well, please come down and show us.

- All right.

I will.

[ Screaming ] - In there, guys.

- [ Both ] Thanks, Homer.

Homer, no one blames you for the accident.

We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring.

I researched these names myself.

Yeah, you won this round, Dean but the war isn't over.

- [ Rings ] - Hello.

[ Homer] Hello, Dean.

You're a stupid-head! - Homer, is that you? - [ Yelps ] Hiya, gang.

- Intruder alert.

Intruder alert.

- Stop the humanoid.

[ Chortling ] Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor.

You've come to the right place.

If there's one thing we know, it is science.

- And math.

- And the words to every Monty Python routine.

We are the knights who say ''Ni!'' Ni! Ni! Ni! [ Giggling ] [ Chuckles ] Ni.

We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours.

Then I was slain by an elf.

Listen to yourself, man.

You're hangin' with nerds.

- You take that back! - Homer, please.

These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.

Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.

Dad, nerds are nothing to fear.

In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things.

Some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher rock star David Byrne and Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

[ Gasps ] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no! Come on, Mr.


You'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table.

- I'll write it on my hand.

- Oh! Including all known lanthanides and actinides? - [ Chuckling ] Good luck.

- [ All Chuckling ] Come on, guys.

Look at yourselves! All you do is study.

I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college.

We're gonna go out and par-ty! Wait a minute.

I'll put on my snow pants.

- Me too.

- Me too.

Ah, the college road trip.

What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem? If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa.

But, Marge, we're college guys, and we're up to no good.


Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.

Oh, those baby ducks were so cute.

I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them.

- I need to go to the bathroom.

- We stopped five minutes ago.

Someone knocked on the door, and I couldn't go.

I'm telling you.

A big, crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered.

[ Giggling ] The dean will go nuts.

I got it! We wait by his mailbox, and when he comes outside we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge! -[ Scraping Sound ] - [ All Groaning ] So it's a prank you're looking for, is it? I'll give you your prank.

The only other college in 50 miles is Springfield A&M so they're our best target.

- Those bastards.

- Meet Sir Oinkcelot the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M.

Here he is presiding over last year's homecoming.

Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon.

And here he is rolling in his own filth.

Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Sir Oinkcelot.

And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge! [ Laughing ] What? - [ Squeals ] - Look, you pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again.

Curly, straight.

Curly, straight.

- Curly, straight.

Curly, straight.

- [ Squealing ] Mr.

Simpson, I don't think he likes that.

[ Giggles ] Of course he does.

He's a cute little piggy.

Curly, straight.

Curly, straight.

Ow! - Why, you little-- - Mr.

Simpson, stop! - It's a defenseless animal! - [ Screams ] [ Groaning, Snorting ] - The pig's acting kinda funny.

- He and Mr.

Simpson split a case of malt liquor.

Guys, he's really sick.

Hello! That sounds like a pig fainting.

[ Squealing ] I'm sorry, boys.

I-I've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends.

Oh, you'll pay.

Don't think you won't pay! Guys, believe me.

I didn't mean to get you expelled.

Don't worry, Mr.


We can take care of ourselves.

Ah, wallet inspector.

Oh, here you go.

I believe that's all in order.

I can't believe that worked! Hey! That's not the wallet inspector.

- " [ Humming ] - [ Groans ] Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay.

And they're geniuses.

They'll solve all our problems.

They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth! - Mr.

Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.

- Oh, for the love of-- - [ Loud Beeping ] - [ Groans ] What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises.

Those crazy noises are computer signals.

Some guys at M.



are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.

- Ha! They're out of their minds.

- [ Groans ] Oh, I heard about this.

This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy.

Wow! [ Cackling ] [ Whistles ] My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

- [ Screaming ] - We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.

- Plug it in! Plug it in! - What, the rock tumbler or the TV? The TV! The TV! -"Show " - [ Cheering ] Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years! [ Chortling ] [ Screaming ] Dad, start digging some nerd holes.

It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher.

Can't we do something? Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony.

- Right, Marge? - No, I want those geeks out of my house.

You really think you can get us back into college? Absolutely.

Now, the only antidote to a zany scheme is an even zanier scheme! Why does it have to be zany? [ Gasps ] I've got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the dean's life.

-[ Engine Rewing ] - Perfect.

[ Tires Screeching ] " [ Whistling ] Okay, guys.

We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.

Should we correct for wind resistance? Hmm, possibly.

What do you think? -[ Thudding ] - Oh, my.

Well, Dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank.

- Prank? - And all those other pranks were my idea too.

I'm the one who should be expelled.

Well, I'm touched by your honesty.

And who knows-- Perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.

- Yes, you have.

- How's this? I'll readmit your friends and we'll forget this whole silly incident ever occurred.

Oh, Dean.

This is what your new hip is going to look like.

[ Nervous Chuckling ] You're gonna have to go easy on it.

Oh, it's good to be back after all these weeks.

Better check our answering machine.

[ Woman's Voice ] Number of messages received: zero.

- [ All Sighing ] - We really want to thank you, Mr.


Ah, no problem, guys.

The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends.

So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.

Exam? Oh! This is just like one of those bad dreams! [ Screams ] What are you gonna do, Mr.

Simpson? Actually, I've been working on a plan.

During the exam, I'll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.

Or with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before! Whatever.

Either way is good.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, man.

I can't believe you failed.

Oh, I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified! Mr.

Simpson, there is a way.

We could, well, use a computer to change your grade.

[ Gasps ] Computers can do that? Oh, yes.

The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires-- [ Kissing ] Oh, I love-- Moral whuzzah? An A-plus! How did you do it? Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.

- You changed your grade with a computer? - D'oh! Way to go, Dad! The important thing is that we all learned a lesson.

These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.

- No, we didn't.

- Oh.

Then I learned the real value of college is to study and work hard.

No, you didn't.

You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.



And I learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son you're gonna take that course over again without cheating.

Oh, Marge! You're worse than that crusty old Dean.

[ Sighs ] Well, I guess it's back to college for me.

That means it's time to-- What did I teach you guys? [ Nerds ] Par-ty down? Yes! "[ Rock ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!