The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F20 - Secrets of a Successful Marriage

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - All right, I raise a quarter.

- I'm out.

- I'm out.

I'm out.

[ Groans ] - Homer, you want any cards? Homer! - [ Gagging ] [ Grunts ] Whoo.

Don't try to eat these so-called ''chips.

'' - Do you want another card or not? - Huh? Okay.

I'll take three.

D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Uh, I mean, whoo-hoo.

I'm in.

Let's see your cards.

- Oh, I was bluffing.

- [ Laughs ] Come to papa! Wait a minute.

You have a straight flush, Homer.

G'oh! You do this every time, ya-- Oh, you-- [ Gagging ] Chokin' on my own rage, here.

- Hey, don't yell at Homer just 'cause he's a little slow.

- [ Gasps ] [ Thinking ] Something was said.

Not good.

What was it? ''Don't yell at Homer''! No, that's okay.

What was it? ''Slow.

'' They called you ''slow''! How dare you call me that? I-- Huh? Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow.

- [ Gasps, Thinking ] Something said.

Not good.

- Get the hell out of here.

- [ Kick Lands ] - [ Door Slams ] [ All Chewing Loudly ] So anyhoo, last night we're playin' poker, right? As usual, I'm winning and not realizing it.

And Lenny says that I'm, uh-- [ Chuckles ] get this-- [ Laughing ] ''a little slow''! [ Laughing Loudly ] How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow? - Buh.

- Snuh.

[ Groans ] We don't think you're slow but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.

You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge.

They won't let me-- one quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last.

If they only stumbled once, just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves.

But they won't! They won't let me live! [ Sobbing ] Oh, who am I kidding? - I am slow.

- Oh, Homie.

If you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better.

- Take another bath in malt liquor? - There's that.

Or you could take an adult education course.

Oh, and how is ''education'' supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.

Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive? - That's because you were drunk! - And how.

One way to drive your man wild is to wear tight, revealing clothes.

- [ All ] Eww! - At this point I'd like to remind you there are no refunds.

All right, here's the 411 , folks.

Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl.

- Ya just give' em one of these.

- " [ Hip-hop ] " Ooh, eh, ah, ooh " [ Students Protesting ] [ Chewing, Humming, Spits ] - [ Pings ] - You see, that ping sound means the spit was on target.

- Now you try.

- [ Spitting ] - [ Moans ] - Gettin' better.

Wait a minute.

Even Lenny is teaching a class.

Look at the way they admire and adore him.

[ Simpering Sounds ] That's it.

If he can teach a class, he can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class! What is your area of expertise? I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

No, you can't, Mr.


No one can.

Oh, I failed again.

Everybody can teach a class but me.

I'm an idiot.

What am I gonna tell my wife and kids? - Oh, you're married? - That depends.

Is there another way to get this job? No.


Simpson, what I mean is we may have a job for you after all.

We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage.

I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house away from all that nagging and noise uh, of a family of love.

" Sha-la-la-la " - [ Children Chewing Loudly ] - Look, everyone.

- Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows.

- Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around.

You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.

Ah, incorrect, Marge-- two perfectly good jackets.

I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad.

So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation? Yes, Lisa.

Daddy's a teacher.

[ Doorbell Rings ] [ Chuckles ] Oh, Homer.

What a pleasant-- Can't talk now, Flanders.

I've got a class to teach.

But you rang my-- - [ Boy On Speaker] Can I take your order? - Nothing for me today.

I've got a class to teach.

Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.

- [ Tires Squealing ] - It's all right.

I'm a teacher! [ Gasps ] I didn't know we could do that.

- [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Drivers ] Hey! [ Protesting ] - [ Scraping On Blackboard ] - [ Students Protesting ] All right.

The first thing they told me to do was to make sure everyone here is in the right class.

[ Sputters ] - Down the hall, Room 12.

- [ Mouth Full ] Thank you.



Let's get started.

Uh um uh-h-h-m - hmm-- - [ Whispers ] No talking.

[ Clears Throat ] Uh-- Hmm.





Uh-- [ Smacks Lips ] Hmm.

Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships? Yeah.

Yeah! That'll eat up some time.

Uh-h-h-m, how about you, Otto? Oh, my standards are just too high, you know? I feel like nobody's good enough for me.

- [ Crushes Insect ] - Whoa.

You think you got 'em all, but you forget about the eggs.

My problem is I'm a real user of women.

I move in right away and stay until the money's gone.

Well, I'm a smart woman, but I make bad choices.

- [ Whispering ] - [ Giggling ] Okay.

Here's a set of house keys and my A.




Um, I was married once, but, uh, I just didn't know how to keep it together.

[ Sobs ] Come on, Waylon.

- Make love to me the way you used to.

- No.

It's that horrible Mr.

Burns, isn't it? You leave Mr.

Burns out of this! - [ Yells ] - [ Burns ] Smithers! Smi-thers! Mmm.

Ooh, Mr.

Simpson, are you listening? - [ Chewing Loudly ] - Simpson! Huh? Yeah, I was listening.

Very funny.

Oh, ya were not.

You were just eatin' a damn orange.

Oh, yes, yes.

To the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange but to the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about marriage.

For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.

First you have the skin then the sweet, sweet innards.

[ Chewing Loudly ] I don't understand.

If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class.

The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.

Just eat the damn oranges! [ Students Muttering ] - This is terrible.

- [ Mrs.

Krabappel ] We're leaving.

- Ach, let's get out of here.

- This is a terrible excuse for education.

Oh, I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed.

- In bed? Well.

- Huh? Huh? - What? So somethin' wasn't workin' in bed, huh? Heh, heh, heh.

No, that's not what I meant.

Marge and I always talk things over in bed.

- Like the other night, we were fighting about money.

- Ooh, a fight.

Trouble in paradise, huh? Heh, heh, heh.

I was telling Marge that we could save some money if she only dyed her hair once a month.

- [ Gasps ] Marge dyes her hair? - Oh, yeah.

She's been as gray as a mule since she was 17.

- Ooh.

- Come on.

Tell us more.

- [ Willie ] Tell us about it.

I went on for hours, and they were hanging on my every word.

- I really think I was born to teach.

- [ Tires Screech ] All right, Simpson.

You were warned about teasing the box.

[ Screams ] [ Boy On Speaker] Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

[ Cash Register Beeping ] Oh, Mrs.

Simpson, it may interest you to know we are having a sale on blue dye number 52.

It is your hair color, I believe.

Whatever do you mean? I don't dye my hair.

[ Forced Laughing ] Nah, nah, nah.

You got it wrong, 'Pu.

- She's blue 56.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

We just love your husband's class.

- That's nice.

- [ Vehicle Speeds Away ] Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.

Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff.

- Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.

- Oh.

You mean about you.

All right, maybe I said some things, some personal things.

But you should've seen 'em, Marge.

- They really wanted to hear what I had to say.

- Mmm.

I'm happy about that.

But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.

Look, Marge.

You don't know what it's like.

I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line.

And I'm not out of order.

You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order.

You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge.

It's Chinatown! - Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again! - [ Quietly ] Yes, ma'am.

Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as ''the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

'' - [ All Groan ] - Tell us more about you and Marge.

This is a place of learning, not a house of hearing about things.

- [ Students Groan ] - Guess he's run out of stories.

- What a rip-off.

- I can't believe I paid $10,000 for this course.

What the heck was that lab fee for? No.


Uh, um-- Wait.

I-- Yes.

[ Clears Throat ] I do have a story about two other young marrieds.

[ Students Murmuring ] Now, the wife of this couple has an interesting quirk in the bedroom.

It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.

- We need names! - Well, let's just call 'em, uh Mr.

''X'' and Mrs.


'' So, anyway, Mr.

''X'' would say, ''Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running my name isn't Homer J.


'' [ All Gasping, Murmuring ] - Huh? - Ooh, Homer, don't you have to get to class? Not tonight, Marge.

Tonight we can eat a nice, leisurely dinner at home.


Well, that will be l-- [ Gasps ] - What the darn? - Marge, you'll never guess what.

My whole class is here.

They're going to observe the human peep show that is our lives.

Apparently, that disturbing odor was the food.

So, little Lisa, apple of my eye how are things down at the old schoolhouse? I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.

[ Chuckling ] And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any june bugs today? Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer.

Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.

What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double-dared us.

- Why, you little-- - [ Choking ] - [ Class ] Ooh.

- Homer! - I'm outta here.

- Me too.

- [ Students Murmuring Quietly ] - [ Forced Laughing ] Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed-- I want this to end now.

Hey, Homer.

Why don't you just nibble her elbow? That always melts her butter, right? Heh, heh, heh.

[ Gasps ] All right.


Everybody out! Ooh, she's gotta have it.

Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out-out-out-out-out-out-out! All right, we're breaking early tonight, class.

- For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through 18 in Lisa's diary.

- You too.

- Get out! - But I'm not in the cla-- Is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.

Come on, Marge.

Let me in! There's crickets out here.

Okay, Marge.

Things were said.

Mistakes were made.

Let's end this madness and get on with our lives.

You just don't get it, do you, Homer? You told personal things about our lives, even after you promised you wouldn't.

- I can't trust you anymore.

- But I learned my lesson.

- It'll never happen again.

- Hey, Homer.

What's the big brouhaha-ha? - Ah, Marge is throwin' me out for blabbin' about her elbow thing.

- [ Groans ] Honey, the door blew shut.



If that's what you want, you've got it.

This scene is gettin' old, man.

I'm hittin' the road.

Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.

Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now and I don't know what's going to happen.

But just remember that both your mom and your dad love you very, very much.

Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before.

I'll tell you a secret, Bart.

Every time I'm worried about Mom and Dad I go to the attic and add to my ball of string.

[ Screeches ] Earth base, this is Commander Bart McCool.

We are under attack by the Zorrinid brain changers.

Quickly, into the safety dome, Milbot.

[ In Monotone ] Affirmative, humanoid.

[ Both ] Ew! Don't mind me, boys.

Just scrubbin' my undies.

Sorry, Bart.

Your dad kinda blew the fantasy.

I only like it when I'm pretend-scared.

Keep up the roughhousing, Son.

Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight.

Oh, these stubborn grass stains.

Oh, good.

Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back.

He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his god will punish him.

- Get a divorce.

- Mm-hmm.

- But isn't that a sin? - Marge, just about everything is a sin.

You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go the bathroom.

[ Sighs ] [ Moans Softly ] Good night, Marge.

[ Kisses ] Oh, why didn't I take a picture? I had ten years to take a picture.


Funny the way everything reminds me of Homer.

[ Homer's Voice ] I love you.

Will you marry me, Marge? You mean, I'm gonna be a daddy? I hope we'll always be together, together, together-- - Together? - [ Tires Screech ] [ Screams, Grunting ] Ooh.

Here, Dad.

I brought you some nice-- [ Yelps ] Good news, Lisa.

I don't need your mother anymore.

I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way.

Dad, that's just a plant.

Lisa! You will respect your new mother.

Now, give her a kiss.

Kiss her! [ Yelps ] Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! [ Panting ] All right.

Let's get our stories straight.

She tripped, right? Look.

I brought you some nice pudding.

Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding.

Oh, I miss Marge.

Lisa, you're smart.

Help me trick her into taking me back.

Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you.

There's a reason two people come together and stay together.

There's something they give each other that nobody else can give them.

If you want Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can.

I'll pay you $40 if you think of it for me.

- No.

- Okay.


Good luck, Dad.

All right, brain.

It's all up to you.

If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever.

[ Thinking, Rapidly ] Eat the pudding.

Eat the pudding-- Eat the pudding.

Eat the pudding-- [ Continues ] Okay, but then we gotta get to work.

[ Eating Loudly ] [ Moans Softly ] - [ Doorbell Chimes ] - [ Exhales ] [ Clears Throat ] Oh.

H-Hi, Marge.

I heard you and Homer broke up, so I'm declarin' my intentions to move in on his territory.

- Here, I, uh, brung ya some posies.

- Oh, my.

I'm very flattered, but I'm not really interested.


I come here, I get dressed up all nice-like put my heart on the line, and I make a fool of myself.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I'm gonna start bawlin' here.

- Hmm, why don't you come inside for a drink of water? - 'Kay.


Clean house, no silverfish.

- Could've been very happy here.

- [ Knocking ] - Homer.

- Moe.

- What are you doin' here? - I, um-- Well, I-- - I never touched her.

Homer, I swear, I never touched her.

- Here's your water, Moe.

I didn't ask her for no water.

She's lyin', Homer.

She told me you were dead.

That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'! - [ Glass Breaking ] - [ Screams ] - Bye, Moe.

Homer, what happened to you? Marge, I figured out what I can give you that no one else can: a bouquet of po-- ohhh.

I give up.

I don't deserve to live with you.

- Hmm.

- [ Table Bumps Against Wall ] Oh.

My tattered rags are caught on your coffee table.

Oh, here.

Let me help you.

[ Muttering Softy ] Wait a minute.

Wait, that's it.

I know now what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence.

Homer, that's not a good thing.

Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing.

Marge, I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet could possibly ever need you.

I need you to take care of me, to put up with me and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you.

[ Sad Grunt ] But how do I know I can trust you? Marge, look at me.

We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman.

In another few hours I'll be dead.

I can't afford to lose your trust again.

- [ Sighing ] - Oh.

I must admit.

You really do make a gal feel needed.

Wait till my class hears about this.

Kidding! [ Sighs ] Oh, it's great to be indoors with my family.

I'm really glad you're back, Dad.

I knew you could do it.

Now don't screw it up.

Look, Dad.

I missed you so much, I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an ''F.

'' Hey, this is dated two weeks ago.



Here's a fresh one.

And I have a special present for you, but I'll give it to you later tonight.

Special present? I don't wanna wait.

I want it now! I want the children to see.


Oh, right.


[ Chuckling ] So, Marge, are you really happy? Really? - Hey, Moe.

- [ Yelps ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!