The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F21 - Lady Bouvier's Lover

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Glass Shattering ] - [ Maniacal Laughter] - [ Applause ] Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning.

Shut up and conduct! [ Chittering ] " [ ''Blue Danube Waltz'' ] " [ Continues ] [ Chitters ] - [ Screaming ] - [ All Monkeys Chittering ] - [ Gnawing ] - [ Groaning ] - [ Laughter] - [ Laughing ] Maggie, can you point to the monkey? [ Blows Raspberry ] What do babies know? Maggie, can you point to the credenza? - D'oh! - [ Marge ] Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

What? It's not ''Magaggie's'' birthday? Oh.

[ Chewing Loudly ] Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin.

- It's over there.

- Ooh.

- [ Chews Loudly ] - [ Doorbell Rings ] Hello, everyone, except Homer.

Happy Birthday, Granddaughter.

Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street.

Happy birthday! Everybody get ready.

Here comes the birthday girl in her very first dress.

- [ All ] Aww! - She's a little angel.


I wanna put a hook in her and hang her from our Christmas tree.

- What smells? - Uh-oh.

Shouldn't we wait for the other babies before we open the presents? We didn't invite other babies.

Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies.

[ Marge ] Maggie, we have a surprise for you! - [ Whimpering ] - [ Shutters Clicking ] [ Whimpers ] Ooh, put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton.

Put the cotton in her ear.

That'll stop them shakes.

No, no.

What she needs is a balsam specific.

Balsam specific! Oof-- While we're burning money why don't we give her a curative galvanic belt too? - [ Raspy Voice ] Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder.

- [ Both ] Don't make fun.

I remember Lisa's third birthday.

She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine.

Oh! [ Laughs ] That was a real horn-honker! - Let's see it.

- [ Bart Groans ] - Now! Do it! - [ Both Groaning ] Oh! Do it! - " Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs " - Sing it like you mean it! - "[ Harmonica: Faster Melody ] - "What kinds of kids eat Armour hot dogs " - " Fat kids " - " Skinny kids " " Kids who climb on rocks " - "Tough kids " - " Sissy kids " - " Even kids with chicken pox " - [ All ] " Love hot dogs " "Armour hot dogs " - " [ Melody Continues ] - "The dogs kids love to " [ Off-key ] " Bite " Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials? [ All ] " I feel like chicken tonight " " Like chicken tonight Like chicken tonight " [ Sighs ] It's been great spending time with my family again.

I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving.

Or if not then, Christmas.

I suppose I'll be getting home too.

At least I got Matlock to keep me company.

D'oh! - He's on in five minutes! - He is? Step on it! - Oops! - [ Old Man ] Hurry up! Each Matlock could be our last.

Homie, you know it's funny both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.

[ Giggles ] That is funny.


Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together or shopping or to that room in the library that's always full of old people-- Periodicals, that's it! Marge, please, old people don't need companionship.

They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? Oh! Say, I've got a neat idea.

Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll go out to dinner? I'll be back in a jiffy! - That's not my mother.

- I'll be back in a jiffy! Can I come too? Oh.

[ Electrical Buzzing ] You know, Mom, you and Abe have a lot in common.

Um-- Hmm.

You both got swindled by that telemarketing scam.

Oh, it's not a swindle.

What you do is, see you give them all your credit card numbers and if one of them is lucky, they'll send you a prize.

I was just happy to talk to someone on the phone.

Aw, feelin' blue, eh? I got somethin' that'll cheer you up.

[ Grunts ] " [ Humming ] - [ Wheezy Laugh ] - " [ Humming Continues ] - Hmm? - Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin.

I have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this unauthorized imitation.

- Boys! - [ Both Grunting ] And here's a picture of me getting arrested for indecent exposure.

It was the most embarrassing day of my life.

[ Grampa Whistles ] Lift those gams! You were one nifty number.

Boys all paid attention to me and it drove my friends crazy.

- Oh, who were your friends? - Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald Frances Farmer and little Sylvia Plath.

You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember and a song that may never have existed and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

- You're so sweet.

- [ Thinking ] Ooh, I feel all funny.

[ Gasps ] I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke.

- [ Sirens Blaring ] - [ Grampa ] No, wait, it is love! - I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve! - [ Car Horns Honking ] - [Applause ] - Hello, I'm Troy McClure.

You might remember me from such films as The Boatjacking of Supership 79 and Hydro: The Man With the Hydraulic Arms.

Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone-- even cynical members of Generation X.

[ Scoffs ] Yeah, ''groovy.

'' Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers these hand-drawn Itchy & Scratchy animation cels.

Each one is absolutely, positively, - to increase in value.

- [ Announcer] I guarantee it.

Whoo! - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] - Pardon me, sir.

Forgive my clumsiness.

- Not at all.

- [ Chuckling ] - [ Chuckling ] Uh, yes, my name is Homer Simpson.

and I'd like to order an Itchy & Scratchy cel.

My credit card? Uh, do you accept the ''Federal Breast Inspector's'' card? ''License to Ogle''? ''Vyza''? Oh, yes, of course.

That's what I meant, ''Visa.

'' It's these new dentures.

[ All Chomping Food Loudly ] Well, I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother.

Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing-- damn opposed! He's damn opposed.

Damn, damn, damn opposed.

Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa being in love? If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand! [ Screams ] - [ Line Ringing ] - Hello, Mom? Fine.

You know Abe had a very nice time with you last Sunday.

- Tell her I love her! - Grampa, shh! I know my mother.

If you come on too strong, she's going to get scared away.

- I love ya.

- What? Uh, I love ya, Mom.

- I love ya.

I love ya.

- I love ya.

I love ya.

I love ya, Mom.

Gotta go.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Yeah, hi.

I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

That's me! [ Groans ] - Don't write no more letters to Mr.


- [ Doorbell Rings ] I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

Uh, that's me.

[ Groans ] Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

- [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Moans ] [ Man ] Homer Simpson, I've got a, uh special delivery for you.

- Go away.

- If you do not open the door, Mr.

Simpson I cannot give you your special delivery.

[ Sighs ] Here's your special delivery.

- Thanks.

[ Groans ] - That's for keepin' me waiting.

Hey, Lise, guess who's got a genuine Itchy & Scratchy animation cel? Oh! That is so cool! That is so exciting! That is so-- Crappy.

It looks like part of Scratchy's arm.

Oh, no.

I used Dad's credit card to buy this? - Yeesh! How much was it? - $350.

- Ooh.

- Ha-ha! - [ Weakly ] Ha, ha, ha.

- Oh, my God.

This boy is having an out-of-body experience.

This is very bad for business.

Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple! [ Licking, Kissing Noises ] I even bought me some special novelty dentures.

- See? - Dad, that will never work.

If you wanna make your move, you gotta play it cool.

[Jazzy Singsong ] Now, what you gotta do if you wanna get a kiss is act real smooth and make your move like this.

- [ Yawns ] - Oh, I see.

[Jazzy Singsong ] So, if I take your advice and make your patented move then my chances for love will slightly improve.

- [ Yawns ] - [ Giggles ] - [ Jazzy ] Now what's that rule? - [Jazzy ] Play it cool.

- [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Screams ] "[ Big Band ] Is this cel worth anything? [ Sighs ] Let me show you something.

This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heisler.

It is worth something.

This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody.

It is worth nothing.

Can't you give me anything for it? I can give you this telephone.

It is shaped like Mary Worth.

- [ Groans ] - No groaning in my store.

" [ ''Moonlight Serenade'' ] Oh, my favorite song.

This is so nice.

I can't remember when I felt this young.

Oh! I really can't.

- Oh.

- [ Mr.

Burns ] Say, sport.

- Mind if I have the next dance? - Wha-- D'oh! What the-- Don't sneak up on a-- Oh, you! No need for the blown gasket, Charlie.

I'll have her back in one piece.

" [ ''Sing, Sing, Sing'' ] Hey! "[ Continues ] [ Growls ] That big ape thinks he can muscle in on my girl, does he? I'll show him.

I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime.

[ Grunts ] [ Mr.

Burns Laughing ] - [ Wheezing ] - [ Laughs ] I swear, Monty.

You are the devil himself.

I-- Who told you? Oh, yes, yes, well.

I'd say you were an angel, but angels don't dance like that.

- Oh! - [ Laughs ] - [ Groans ] - [ Tires Screeching ] [ Groans ] Good night, Mrs.

Bouvier wherever you are.

[ Groans ] Mr.

Simpson, I represent the estate of Jimmy Durante.

I have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this unauthorized imitation-- Boys! [ Growling ] Well, would it be all right with you if I just laid down in the street and died? - [ Papers Rustling ] - Yes, that would be acceptable.

Smithers, guess what happened to me last night? I don't know, sir.

You had sex with that old woman? She said ''No'' to me.

Do you know how many women have said ''No'' to me? since I've become a billionaire.

And she's the one for me.

I'm in love! - Whoop-dee-do, sir.

- Yes, whoop-dee-do.

Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr.


Whoop-dee-do, Mr.

Physical Trainer.

Whoop-dee-do, Mr.


I'm happy you've finally found love.

Whoop-dee-do, Tarantula Town.

Whoop-dee-do, employees.

Everyone who's found true love may leave early today.

Whoop-dee-do, employees.

Everyone who's found true love may leave early today.

- [ Cheering ] - [ Homer] All right! [ Sniffles, Sobs ] ''Memorandum to Mrs.


Re: Delineation of Romantic Intentions.

'' [ Scoffs ] Too sappy.

Smithers, come over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend.


[ Gently ] Darling one: Read my words and hear my heart speak of a love, soft and undying.

A love that will be with you always.

[ Unemotionally ] Sincerely, Yada-yada-yada.

That's marvelous.

How did you think of that so fast? I sent it to you on your birthday.

[ Sniffles ] Excuse me.

I have something in my eye.


Mom's almost ready for her date.

She sure seems taken by this new beau.

I feel so bad for Grampa.

Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire.

So, let's all be extra nice to him.

- [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Screaming ] Hello.

Why, it's-- It's, uh-- Oh, it's, uh-- [ Inaudible Whisper] - Right.

- [ Snickers ] Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma.

Oh, and this must be little Pebbles.

- Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.

- Yabba dabba do! He's an awful, awful, awful man.

I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters.

That's right, ''Money.

'' Your ''money's'' happiness is all that ''moneys.

'' - [ Exhales ] - Hmm.


You know, Grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me.

She especially likes it when they give me money.

Run along, peewee.

Baby gets nothing.

Very well, you leave me no choice.

This gun is filled with ketchup.

This one with mustard.

Now give me $350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date.

You don't have the guts.

- [ Growls ] - [ Yells ] Here.

Take your money.

Take it.

[ Mutters ] Now, the tables have turned, haven't they? [ Grandma ] Monty, I'm ready.

- Hmm? - Ooh.

- Oh, why'd she have to leave me? - Hi, Abe.

We heard you was in need of some cheering up.

- So we got you a special cake.

- [ Woman Coughing ] Uh-oh.

Better call the nurse.

- " [ Flourish ] - Bravissimo, Luigi.

Bring us your finest bottle of vino.

Hey, you trust Luigi.

He knows what for to make-a really nice the amore.

Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant.

[ Luigi ] Hey, Salvatore, break out the cheap hooch for Mr.

No Tip and the dried-up zombie he's-a captured.

Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged $350 on your credit card.

- What? - Don't worry.

Here's the cash.

Whoo-hoo! $350.

Now, I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline.

- But, Dad-- - [ Laughs ] Oh, well, he's happy.

I'm gonna keep this Mary Worth phone right here.

Her stern, but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again.

- [ Ringing ] - [ Milhouse ] Hey, Bart.

You wanna go play with that X-ray machine in the abandoned hospital? Sure.

Now, my dear.

If you look in your champagne I think you'll find a little surprise.

[ Slurps, Gags ] [ Laughs Nervously ] Not to worry.

I believe there's another one around here somewhere.

[ Yells ] Oh! Yeah.

[Joints Cracking ] My darling since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak I'll be brief-- Will you marry me? Oh! Mom, you can't marry Mr.


He's an evil man.

Evil, schmevil, Marge.

Monty can provide for me.

- Besides, he's a great kisser.

- Ew! Yuck! Mm, what about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him? Oh, he's a dear, but he's too much of an old fusspot.

We're all aware of Grampa's problems but compared to Mr.

Burns, he's Judge freaking Reinhold.

I don't know who that is.

Oh! Who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground.

''La-tex Con-dom.

'' Boy, I'd like to live in one of those! [ Groans ] [ Chatter ] Hey, Barney, why don't you fill out the groom's side? - Hey! Down in front! - Nein! "[ Organ: ''Wedding March''] Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited? Yeah, but his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company in it.

[ Both Groaning ] [ Camera Shutters Clicking ] And, so, when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs he offered them to Moham who you will remember is the father of Shecham and to Hazar, on the occasion of their matrimony much in the same-- We've heard enough about Bliz-blaz and Him-ham already.

- Get to the bloody point! - [ Mutters ] Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? - I do.

- Oops.

The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper.

- [ Growls ] - [ Grunts ] - Hmm? Hmm? - I know.

I know.

Ow, ow, ow! Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? - "[ Organ: ''Moonlight Serenade''] - Oh, Monty! My favorite song.

How did-- I specifically requested no romantic music! - Wha-- - Mrs.

Bouvier! Mrs.

Bouvier! [ Screams ] [ Grunts ] Mrs.

Bouvier! Honey, are you sure you wanna be Mrs.

Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs.

Abraham J.

Simpson? - No.

- [ Gulps ] - I don't wanna be either.

- Hot diggity damn! - That's good enough for me! - [ Chatter] - "[ Organ: ''Wedding March''] - [ Cheering ] [ Sighs ] "[ Soft Rock ] Hmm? Turn off that racket! Yeah, fat chance, pops.

"Hello, Grampa, my old friend " " Your busy day is at an end " " Your exploits have been sad and boring " " Your exploits have been sad and boring " " They tell a tale that's worth ignoring " " When you're alone the words of your story " " Will echo down the rest home hall " " 'Cause no one at all " " Can stand the sound of Grampa " [ Grampa ] I first took a fancy to Mrs.

Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola.

Oh, it was a fine machine with a vulcanized rubber listening tube which you crammed in your ear.

The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant like linseed oil or Dr.

Shumway's-- - Shh! - I'm sorry.