The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F18 - Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] "[ Man Singing Blues Rock ] "[ Continues ] - "[ Ends ] - [ Bart Laughing ] Oh, they're gonna eat this up in show-and-tell.

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments.

How would you like it if 20 years from now people were laughing at things you did? Not likely.

Come on.

Have a sense of humor about yourself.

I'm a big boy today.

[ Laughing ] [ Groans ] I gotta find something else quick.

Why don't you bring this potato? It's pretty big.

Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes.

- What is it with you? - I just think they're neat.

I need something for show-and-tell.

Just take one of my geodes.

The rocks on my desk.

No, that's a trilobite.

That's petrified wood.

Bart, that's a bran muffin.

! [ School Bus Horn Honks ] Greetings, fellow geode-ologist.

[ Groans ] I'll be right back! [ Santa's Little Helper Growling ] The ingredients were fresh pureed tomatoes water, salt and sodium benzoate used to retard spoilage.

Once again, if I'm not mistaken this can contained tomato paste.

Thank you, Nelson.

I look forward to seeing it again next week.

Bart,you're up.

Boys and girls, Mrs.

Krabappel I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries.

What has four legs and ticks? - A walking clock? - A walking clock! I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.

Bart, is it a walking clock? What? No, it's my dog.

- [ All Gasp ] - Oh, he is a gem! Here, boy.

Would you like these cookies Martin made for me? My raisin roundies! My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper.

One time he crawled under the house, and when he came out, he was covered with ants.

- Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water.

- [ All ] Wow! Thank you, Bart.

Great job.

[ All Cheering ] I knew the dog before he came to class.

Kaboom! That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion which gives birth to the magnificent geode, one of nature's most-- You're doing it wrong.

! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it.

[ Grumbles, Sneezes ] Look, look, look! The doggy sneezed! - Ha! It thinks it's people.

- [ Knocking ] Oh, smoochie.

Here, poochie, poochie, poochie! - [ Grunts ] - [ Clears Throat ] My geode must be acknowledged.

Oh, brother.

All right.

Back to show-and-tell.

Bart, why don't you put the doggy away? [ Students Groaning ] [ Whimpers ] [ Sniffing ] Mmm.

More testicles mean more iron.

[ Moaning, Whimpering ] Uh, Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the vent.

Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside? He was going to the bathroom.

Uh, I-I know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent but I-I was sure it was a phony excuse.

I mean, it sounds so made-up.

''Yom Kip Pur.

'' I mean, it sounds so made-up.

''Yom Kip Pur.

'' Sir, you've got to come quick! There's a dog runnin' around in the air ducts! I understand.

Children, this is Principal Skinner.

Remain calm.

There is a dog in the vents.

[ Shouting, Cheering ] [ Grunts ] [ Slobbers, Panting ] Willie, go into the vent and get him! What? Have you gone waxy in your ''beester''? I cannot fit in the wee vent, ya croquet-playin' mint muncher! Grease yourself up and go in, you-- you guff-speaking work slacker.

Ooh, good comeback.

Lunch Lady Doris, have you got any grease? - Yes.

Yes, we do.

- Then grease me up, woman! Okeydokey.

[ Grunting ] [ Gasps ] [ Gasps ] [ Beeping ] [ Gasps ] [ Beeping Continues ] Good Lord! It's coming up right behind him! What the-- No! No! [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing Continues ] - [ Students Shouting ] - [ Laughing Continues ] - [ Students Shouting ] Ow! Ow! Stop it! Children, teachers, back to your rooms.


Whenever I get this upset, I get hiccups.

[ Hiccups ] Oh, right on cue.

[ All Laughing ] - [ Barks ] - [ Grunts, Groans ] [ Grunts, Laughs ] There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Now, out we go.

[ Grunts ] [ Gasps ] 'Tis more dizzyin' than the belfry at St.


[ Students Murmuring ] That's nice work, boys.

- [ Panting ] - [ Mrs.

Krabappel ] Uh-oh.

! Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers.

I [ Hiccups ] can't [ Hiccups ] take [ Hiccups ] this.

[ Hiccups ] - Skinner! - Superintendent Chalmers you didn't have to come all the way down here.

- Everything's under control.

- [ Screams ] Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! Oh, now I really think the children's appearance-- Seymour,you are in very, very big trouble.

- [ Barks ] - [ Gasps ] Why, looking into this loveable mutt's eyes just melts my heart.

Seymour, all is forgiven.

[ Yelling ] Make way for Willie.

! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! - Seymour.

- Hmm? - You're fired! - [ Gasps ] I'm sorry.

Did-- Did you just call me a liar? - No.

I said you were fired.

- Oh.

That's much worse.

[ Hiccups ] [ Gobbling, Gulping ] I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner left but now all I have is this weird, hot feeling in the back of my head.

That's guilt.

You feel guilty because your stunt wound up costing a man his job.

Yeah, I guess it is guilt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me get this straight.

They let everybody out of school early just because you brought a dog? - Well, yeah, but-- - Well, I'm off to work.

- The dog has had enough excitement.

- But, Marge dogs can never have enough excitement.


Whee! Whee! [ Laughing ] Whee, whee! [ Laughing ] All right, all right.

I won't take the dog.

Come here.

- [ Groans ] - Aw.

Boys and girls, because of Mr.

Skinner's sudden departure I've had to appoint a new principal.

- Leopold.

- [ All Gasp ] All right, you little punks.

Prick up your freakin' ears because I'm only gonna be saying this once.

From now on, things are gonna be very, very different around here-- - [ All Gasp ] - with your new principal, Ned Flanders.

[ Applause, Cheering ] Well, tippity-top o' the a.


to every-good-body here.

As chairman of the P.



, I am de-didilly-lighted to take over and I think I can put the ''pal'' back in principal.

[ All Laughing ] Yeah, and I'll put the ''super'' back in superintendent.

[ Someone Coughs ] It's the same exact joke.

What gives, Leo? - Now, I know everybody's eager to get back to class-- - [ Mrs.

Krabappel ] Ha.

! but I thought it might break the ice if we had a little ''Q'' and ''A.

'' - Dude, ask a question, or we'll have to go back to class.

- Um-- - Yeah, you.

- Uh, yeah.

Uh, I was wonderin', do you, uh-- What's your policy on, uh, lunch? Well, let me just say I want to put the ''stu'' back in students.

[ All Laughing ] It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids.

Now look what you've done, you little freaks! Young man, your gargantuan cone is making a mockery of our self-serve policy.

Bart, look.

It's Principal Skinner and I think he's gone crazy.

He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything.

Principal Skinner, um I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired and biting you and then getting it on with your leg.

Well, maybe it was for the best.

Now I-- I finally have time to do what I've always wanted-- write the great American novel.

Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques.

I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus.

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir.

First you think of an idea that has already been done.

Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like.

Didn't you think this through? on the best-seller list for 1 8 months! Every magazine cover had it! most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? I mean, thank you.

Come again.

Bart, I've barely been here a-a good solid week and you've been sent to my office 1 1 times.

Now that I have peanut butter cups, you seem to be getting in trouble every hour.

Must have been a coincidence.

Anyhoo, Bart, you're gonna have to be punished.

This isn't just some sort of clubhouse.

- [ Ice Rattles ] - Oh, sorry.

Were you drinking Slice or Yoo-hoo? Well, let's see.









'' I believe today I will try Bold.

Bart, how are you? How's school? Um, it's-- it's a lot of fun.


Well, it was good to see you.

It was? Well, then we should get together again.

Say, Saturday at my house.

Do you know where I live? Uh, no.


A flaming bag, eh? Well, these new Italian loafers will make short work of it.

Uh, I'm kinda busy on Saturday.

- [ Grunts, Laughs ] - Hey! [ Chanting ] We got Skinner's underpants! And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr.


That's not true.

I can buy a new pair.

No, I can't.

I needed those.

I really did.

Oh, you must be Seymour's friend.

He's up in his room.

Don't touch the wallpaper.

- " [ Beethoven's 5th Symphony ] - " Ba-ba-ba-bum " " Ba-ba-ba-bum " Now a little more allegro than last time.

Bart! [ Chuckles ] Welcome.

Can I offer you a diet caffeine-free Dr.

Pepper or an individual fruit cocktail cup? Uh, I'll pass.

Hey, what's this? Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam.

I was their sergeant.

They were my loyal troops.

That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show.

I was trying to getJoey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake! - Seymour,your friend Bart is here.

! - I know, Mother! - Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7.

:30? - No, Mother! [ Laughing ] Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention and put the whole school on the honor system? [ Laughs ] Yeah.

The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.

[ Both Laughing ] Oh, that place must be falling apart.

Oh, mercy.

Nobody's mentioned me, have they? Uh, I thought I heard someone say your name in the cafeteria - but they might have been saying ''skim milk.

'' - Yeah, yeah.



I thought you might like this restaurant, Bart.

They'll make a pizza pie with a topping of your choice.

- Hey, Seymour! You want your usual table? - No, no, Luigi.

I'd like one with two seats.

I'll be dining with a friend tonight.

Hey, good for you, huh? Hmm.

They treat you real nice here.

Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here! Mr.

Kookalamanza and-a some real ugly kid.

[ Students Shouting ] This is great! Not only am I not learnin' I'm forgettin' stuff I used to know.

[ Laughs ] And it's all thanks to you, Bart.

- Yeah, great.

- What's the matter? Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far.

- We need Skinner back.

- My water dish is empty! [ School Bell Rings ] [ Girl's Voice ] I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner.

[ Martin's Voice ] Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies.

[ Ralph's Voice ] Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

[ Sobbing ] Oh, you're Seymour's friend.


He left you this note.

[ Skinner's Voice ] Dear Bart Your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten.

However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school that has ever given my life meaning-- I've reenlisted in the United States Army.

Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

[ Groans ] Table for one.

Oh, you miss your friend, huh? Don't you worry.

My cooking, she'll-a cheer you up.

Hey, Salvatore, give-a the ugly kid a plate of red crap.

! It's good to have another combat veteran around here.

I myself received a number of medals for securing that Montgomery Ward in Kuwait City.

Mm, yes, Colonel.

Now, I understand it'll be my duty to mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly trained infantry unit.

- Sure, I guess.

Here they come.

- [ Vehicle Approaching ] [ Chattering ] Hi.

Where do I get my grenades at? Uh, they don't have them group toilets here no more, do they? Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned with the way the school's being run.

Yes, deeply concerned.

Well, I may go a little bit easy on the old hickory dickory stick but that's just because my dad was so hard on me when I was a boy.


Oh, man! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire.

I mean a cube, man.

He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona.

Hmm? " I met a woman in Paris, France " " Had a big hole in her underpants " Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where did you pick up that filth? We heard Sergeant Clark's company singing it, sir.

Yes, well, there will be no smut in my company.

You're in this man's army to learn.

" I don't know, but I've been told " "The Parthenon is mighty old " - " How old " - "We don't know " "That's real good but needs improvement " [ Sighs ] Wow, I never thought Principal Skinner could become any more of a square - but there's the proof.

- It's weird, Lise.

I miss him as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.

I think you need Skinner, Bart.

Everybody needs a nemesis.

Sherlock Holmes had his Dr.


Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello.

Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

[ Wheel Squeaking ] [ Incoming Ordnance ] Man on the range! Change your trajectory! [ All Grunting ] Sixteen brand-new gas pumps! At last we can compete with the Gas-N-Gulp.

[ Incoming Ordnance ] If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back? Ah, I must admit I do miss the school.

Frankly, the army isn't quite as I remembered it.

Up yours, Sergeant! Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it.

I do want to come back, Bart but it doesn't sound like Flanders is gonna get fired.

Oh, I think I could get him fired.

I got you fired, didn't I? [ Laughing ] Yes.

Now, you realize if I become principal again we can no longer be friends, unless you become a good student.


That's probably never gonna happen.

- Well, we'll always have the Laundromat.

- Yeah.

What's he doing here? Once he found out we were gonna get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.

Once he found out we were gonna get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.

- That is true.

- Here's the plan.

Once Chalmers comes for his next inspection and sees how crappy the school has gotten he'll fire Ned on the spot.

Uh, one question remains: How do I get out of the army? No problemo.

Just make a pass at your commanding officer.

Done and done.

And I mean done.

- [ Knocking ] - [ Marge ] What's going on in there? [ All ] Nothing.

[ Students Shouting ] " [ Singing Opera ] Come on, Chalmie.

You fired Skinner for less than this.

Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me.

Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding they'll all be this way in a few months.

I say lay back and enjoy it.

It's a hell of a toboggan ride.

[ Ned On Speaker ] Well, cockilly-doodilly-do, little buddies.

Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.

Thank the Lor-- Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer.

A prayer! A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish.

Flanders is history.

[ Humming ] Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent.

May the Lord bless and keep you.

- Yeah, take it outside, God boy.

- Okilly-dokilly.

Dirksen, tuck in your shirt.

Jaffee, spit out that gum.

You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back? Ah, he seems to know the students' names.

So, I guess we're enemies again.

I guess.

Thanks, Bart.


[ Chuckles ] [ Skinner Chuckles ] Oh, mercy.

- [ People Chattering ] - Shh.