The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F08 - $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh![br][ Screams ] [ Glass Shattering ] [ Announcer ][br]The News On Parade Corporation presents News On Parade Corporation News.

Bringing you the world[br]of current events.

! New gadgets.

! - [ Whistle Blowing ][br]- [ Screaming ] And Hollywood.

! Look.

! It's Amos[br]from radio's Amos and Andy.

Hello, everybody! Springfield.

: City on the grow.

! It's a proud day[br]as Springfield is declared one of America's[br]400 fastest growing cities.

! And why not?[br]Business is booming.

! Half the country wears[br]Springfield galoshes.

And say hello to the state's[br]first aqua-car factory.

Keep 'em coming, boys.

! The city's even in the celebrity business.

[br]Everyone knows - Professor ''Rubber Mouth''[br]hails from Springfield.

[br]- [ Man ] Bravo.

! Everybody's chipping in.

Even this fella has[br]Springfield's can-do spirit! [ Barks ] So, watch out, Utica.

Springfield is a city[br]on the grow.

[ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Scoffs ] The way people act[br]around here -you'd think the streets were paved with gold.

[br]- They are.

[ Tires Screeching,[br]Car Crashing ] [ Siren Wailing,[br]Gunshots ] Got any spare change,[br]man? Yes! And you[br]ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants somethin'[br]for nothin'.

- [ Door Slams ][br]- I'm old.

! Gimme, gimme, gimme.

! [ Humming ][br]Huh? Hey! There's something you don't see[br]in a toilet every day.

[ Shouting ][br]Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance.

[br]Whoo-hoo! The sum of the square roots[br]of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root[br]of the remaining side.

- That's a right triangle, ya idiot![br]- D'oh! Thank you so much for visiting our plant,[br]Dr.


- It was fun.

[br]- We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Uh, yes.

Well, I'm sure[br]I left them in the car.

[ Thinking ] No one must know[br]I dropped them in the toilet.

Not I, the man who drafted[br]the Paris Peace Accords.

- Mm-hmm.


[br]- Mm.


- [ Scoffs, Sighs ][br]- Mmm.


Sir, bad news from Accounting.

[br]The economy's hit us pretty hard.

[ Scoffs ] Tough times, huh?[br]I've lived through 1 2 recessions eight panics and five years[br]of McKinleynomics.

- I'll survive this.

[br]- Even so, sir.

We could stand to lay off[br]a few employees.

Oh! Very well.

Lay off[br]him, him, him, him-- Hmm.

Better keep the egghead.

[br]He just might come in handy.

Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses[br]that weren't prescribed for you.

Lisa,just because you're 10 feet tall[br]doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

- I'm Bart.

[br]- Give me those.

And finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized[br]today after walking into a wall.

Now over to Kent Brockman[br]with some grim economic news.

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used[br]to be down here at the unemployment office.

Joblessness is no longer[br]just for philosophy majors.

Useful people are starting[br]to feel the pinch.

I haven't been able to find a job[br]in six years.


And what training[br]do you have? Five years of modern dance.

[br]Six years of tap.

[ Brockman ][br]The economic slump began last spring when the government[br]closed Fort Springfield devastating the city's liquor[br]and prostitution industries.

Now, at the risk[br]of being unpopular this reporter places the blame[br]for all this squarely on you, the viewers.

I propose that I use what's left[br]of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous[br]town and run for mayor.

- And once elected, I will send for the rest of you.

[br]- Boo! Excuse me, Mr.

Mayor? The chair recognizes the little chick[br]with the gleam of hope in her eyes.

This piggy bank contains $15[br]I saved from my allowance.

It isn't much,[br]but I would like to help.

Aw,just what I need[br]to tip the skycaps.

I'll tell you what[br]made this town great! Good, old-fashioned gumption! There's nothing here[br]a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves and--[br][ Snoring ] - People! People! Let's be a little more realistic.

[br]- [ Snoring Continues ] Now, I, uh, hesitate[br]to bring this up but a number of cities[br]have rejuvenated their economies with, uh, legalized gambling.

[ Crowd Murmuring ] There is an added bonus.

[br]Some of the revenue can go to help[br]our underfunded public schools.

- What do you think, Reverend? Once something has been approved[br]by the government, it's no longer immoral.

- Yea![br]- By building a casino I could tighten my stranglehold[br]on this dismal town! Yea! Well, now.

[br]Are there any objections? [ Man ][br]Probably Marge is gonna have some.

[ Crowd Murmuring Marge's Name ] Actually, I think it might[br]really help our economy.

[ Murmuring Excitedly ] Very well then.

[br]Instead of fleeing this town I'll stay here and grow fat[br]off kickbacks and slush funds.

Yea! [ Shouting, Cheering ] This could be a whole new[br]beginning for Springfield.

And you know[br]what the best part is? We've really done[br]something for the children.

[ Man Shouting ] [ Mayor Quimby ] We're thrilled you've decided[br]to build your casino on our waterfront.

Oh, I'll never forget my carefree[br]boyhood days on this old boardwalk.

- [ Children Chattering ][br]- [ Electricity Buzzing ] - [ Chattering Continues ][br]- "[ Calliope ] [ Screams ] Why, you--[br][ Gasps ] Master Burns![br]I mean, carry on.

- [ Yelping ][br]- [ Giggling ] [ Screams ] Me leg's gone gimpy![br]Who'll provide for me little ones? - [ Screaming Continues ][br]- [ Laughing ] [ Laughing Continues ] [ Laughing Continues ] Oh-- What was I[br]laughing at now? [ Panting ] Oh, yes.

[br]That crippled Irishman.

Sir, the designers are here[br]with some prototypes for your casino.

Gentlemen, I give you[br]Britannia! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour[br]of the British Isles.

Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls[br]are all real Brits.

Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are![br][ Clicks Tongue ] Freshen your drink,[br]governor? - Get out.

[br]- Okay.

All right.

Wait-- - Now-- Now, dig this, man--[br]- Get out! - [ Chuckles ] Wow.

[br]Oh, let me just get my head together.

[br]- Now! I'll need three ships[br]and 50 stout men.

We'll sail round the horn and[br]return with spices and silk the likes of which[br]ye have never seen.

- We're building a casino![br]- Arr.

Can you give me[br]five minutes? [ Scoffs ] Idiots.

I'll design it myself!.

[br]I know what people like.

It's got to have sex appeal[br]and a catchy name.

Mom, we're having[br]a geography pageant at school and I don't know[br]which state to go as.

In honor of legalized gambling,[br]why not go as the state of Nevada? No.

Nevada makes[br]my butt look big.

Then how 'bout going[br]as Florida? You enjoy orange juice.

[br]Old people like you.

- Dad, what do you think?[br]- Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.

- Why?[br]- I got a job at Burns's casino.

As you know, it's been my lifelong dream[br]to become a blackjack dealer.

Your lifelong dream[br]was to be a contestant on The Gong Show.

And you did it in 1977.

[br]Remember? - " [ ''Oh! Susanna'' ][br]- [ AudienceJeering ] [ Gonging Continues ] We got more gongs than the break-dancing[br]robot that caught on fire.


I'm retired[br]heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.

Welcome to Mr.

Burns Casino.

If there's anything I can do to make[br]your visit more enjoyable, please let me know.

- Yeah, great.

See ya![br]- Uh, don't forget to apply for our V.



Platinum Club[br]for special discounts on-- - Hey! I said bug off!.

[br]- [ Whimpers ] Uh, let's see.

[br]Eighteen, 27, 35-- Dealer bust! Looks like[br]you all win again.

Yee-haw! Homer I want you to have[br]my lucky hat.

I wore it the day[br]Kennedy was shot and it always[br]brings me good luck.

Why, thanks, Senator.

[br]Oop! Looks like my shift is over.

[ All ][br]Uh-oh! A round of applause please[br]for Anastasia! She loves show business.

So much nicer than the savagery[br]of the jungle, ja? - [ Honking ][br]- [ Low Growl ] Hey, tiger! Wake up! [ Growling ] [ Roaring ] - [ Roaring ][br]- [ Screaming ] [ Shouting In German ] Whoo-hoo!Jackpot.

Wait a minute![br]Are you over 21 ? - Are you?[br]- I'm not authorized to answer that.

[ Grunts ] By the way,[br]your martinis suck! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?[br]Start your own casino in your tree house and get[br]your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Hi.

Yeah, welcome.

[br]Have a lucky day.

! Mm-hmm.

Well, he certainly[br]showed me.

[ Marge ][br]Hi, Homie.

! Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum[br]against legalized gambling I bet it feels pretty weird[br]to be in a casino.

- I was for the casino![br]- Strike three, Marge! I remember that meeting,[br]and I have a photographic memory.

Legalized gambling[br]is a bad idea.

You can build a casino[br]over my dead body.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[br]Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- For you.

It's the president.

[br]- Y'ello? And then I said to the president--[br]Get this-- Marge? Marge? Hmm.

Hmm, I wonder if they have[br]a lost and found.

Oh, what the hey! [ Coins Jingling ] Mmm! Hmm.

Hey, how's it goin'?[br]Hey! Good to see you.

Tell your friends.

Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'?[br]Love the jacket.

- [ Meows ][br]- Behold the box of mystery! The cat goes in--[br][ Straining ] right here-- [ Screeching ] Sir, you haven't slept[br]since the casino opened five days ago.

I've discovered[br]the perfect business.

People swarm in,[br]empty their pockets and scuttle off!.

Nothing can stop me now! Except microscopic germs.

- But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers?[br]- Uh-- No, sir.

- [Jingling ][br]- [ Whimpering ] [ Whimpering ] - Whoa! A baby on the table! That's good luck![br]- [ All ] Yea! - Snake eyes.


[br]- Boo! Garsh, it must be excitin'[br]to live in the casino.

- Ja.

[br]- You know, we are having a party tonight.

- [ Roaring ][br]- [ Grunts ] Whoa, Marge![br]You gotta watch out.

Your little boy Bart[br]could have been eaten by that pony! [ Gasps ] Oh, my God![br]Barney, thank you.

I would never have[br]forgiven myself.

Now, you stay put,[br]young lady.

- [ Grunting ][br]- Oh! Man, that's classic[br]compulsive behavior.

Wow! Free beer! Buddy, those are[br]my quarters! - [ Belches ][br]- Hey, this guy's paying off!.

- [ Belching ][br]- [ Chattering ] They're all covered with filthy germs![br]Aren't they, Smithers? Why, what do you mean, sir? - [ Germs ] Freemasons run the country![br]- Ew! [ Marge Grunting ] Marge, you waited for me! [ Grunts ] - Okay, Marge.

Let's go.

[br]- I'll catch up to you.

- Marge, I'm taking the car.

[br]- I'll walk.

- This late? Through the bad neighborhood?[br]- Yeah.

- Marge--[br]- Go home! You're bad luck! Wait! I see what's happening here.

You're just mad because everyone[br]in this town loves gambling except for you! - Well, that's just sad.

[br]- [ Grunting Continues ] [ Grunting ] - Um--[br]- What? - Excuse me, ma'am.

[br]Don't you think you've gambled enough?[br]- No! Okay.

We're required by law to ask[br]every 75 hours.

Get her another free drink.

- [ Meows ][br]- Do you get the feeling[br]this family is disintegrating? I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom[br]all week.

And she hasn't even started my costume[br]for the geography pageant.

Pipe down, Sister![br]I gotta book a new act for tonight.

Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator[br]was really Liza Minnelli.

[ Shivers, Grunts ] - There's nothing to eat for breakfast![br]- You gotta improvise, Lisa.

Cloves, Tom Collins mix,[br]frozen pie crust-- - Mmm![br]- Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her.

We could go down to the casino[br]and let her know.

Aw, come on, Lisa.

[br]There's no reason to-- Let's go see Mom.

[ Grunting ] Marge, we need to talk.

You're spending too much time at the casino,[br]and I think you may have a problem.

I won $60 last night.

Whoo-hoo![br]Problem solved! Smithers,[br]I've designed a new plane.

I call it the Spruce Moose,[br]and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport[br]to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes! - That's quite a nice model, sir.

[br]- Model? - Mom.

![br]- Huh? What? Lisa, what's up? - I just had a bad dream.

[br]- Oh, sure.

You just lie down[br]and tell me all about it.

Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed[br]the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- [ Screams ] Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut.

[br]I'll get the gun.

[ Grunts ][br]Bart, I don't want to alarm you but there may be a bogeyman[br]or bogeymen in the house.

[ Screams ] [ Tires Screeching ] [ Trembling Audibly ] - [ Bart And Lisa Sighing ][br]- Hmm.

- What happened here?[br]- Oh, nothing, Marge.

-Just a little incident involving the bogeyman![br]- [ Gunshot ] None of this would have happened if you had[br]been here to keep me from acting stupid! Oh, I'm sorry.

I have been spending[br]too much time at the casino.

I'll be around more[br]from now on.

Does this mean you'll help me[br]with my costume? Oh, sure, honey.

[br]I promise.

- Thanks, Mom.

[br]- Mmm.

Aw,just like on TV.

- [ Grunts ][br]- [ Canned Laughter, Applause ] Hi.

You from the casino? - I'm from a casino.

[br]- Good enough.

Let's go.

[ Lights Buzzing ] I'm afraid Robert Goulet[br]hasn't arrived yet, sir.


Very well.

[br]Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

[ Panting ] Are you sure[br]this is the casino? I think I should[br]call my manager.

Your manager says[br]for you to shut up! Vera said that?[br]Huh.

Dad! Mom said she'd be home[br]to help me with my costume.

And she's not![br]And the geography pageant is tonight! Lisa, your mom[br]still loves you.

It's just that[br]she has a career now.

She's a slot jockey.

But if I don't show up in a rubber suit[br]shaped like the state of Florida I'll be the laughingstock[br]of the whole school.

Oh, it's always something,[br]isn't it? First I have to drive[br]your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you,[br]and now this! Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,[br]ow, ow, ow! - Dad![br]- [ Chuckling ] Oh, yeah.

The costume.

Hello, ''Floreda''! [ Gasps ][br]I'm not a state! I'm a monster![br][ Sobbing ] No, Lisa.

The only monster here[br]is the gambling monster that has enslaved[br]your mother! I call him Gamblor! And it's time to snatch your mother[br]from his neon claws! [ Groaning ][br]Marge! Where are you? Damn this casino! [ Grunts ] - [ Yells ][br]- Double stars! Everybody wins! Yea! - [ Grunting ][br]- Hey! - Seven.

Lucky seven![br]- Yea! - Yeah-- Ooh![br]- He can't talk now.

[ Grunting ] Marge? - Hey![br]- Smithers I don't want that unpredictable lunatic[br]working in my casino.


We'll transfer him[br]to the nuclear plant, sir.

Oh, my beloved plant.

[br]How I miss her.

Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! - And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet![br]- Certainly, sir.

- And, uh, the jars of urine?[br]- Oh, we'll hang on to those.

Now, to the plant![br]We'll take the Spruce Moose! - Hop in![br]- But, sir-- [ Gasps ] I said hop in.

[ Panting, Gasps ] [ Grunting ] [ Shouting Incoherently ] Homer, what is it?[br]Slow down.

Yer getta ferda redda oura.

Think before you say[br]each word.

- You broke a promise to your child.

[br]- What? You promised Lisa[br]to help her with her costume.

You made her cry.

[br]Then I cried.

Then Maggie laughed.

[br]She's such a little trouper.

[ Gasps ][br]Lisa's costume! [ Gasps ] Homer, I didn't realize.

[br]I'm so sorry.

Marge, I want you to admit[br]you have a gambling problem.

You know,[br]you're right, Homer.

Maybe I should get[br]some professional help.

No, no! That's too expensive.

[br]Just don't do it anymore.

"[Jazz Intro ] "Jingle bells[br]Batman smells " " Robin laid an egg " " Batmobile lost its wheel[br]and TheJoker got away, hey " Thank you![br]Thank you very much.

- Ow![br]- Oh, I'm sorry, kid.

And special awards[br]go to the two students who obviously had no help[br]from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.

- I'm Idaho![br]- Yes, of course you are.

You know, Marge,[br]for the first time in our marriage I can finally[br]look down my nose at you.

You have a gambling problem! That's true.

[br]Will you forgive me? Oh, sure! Remember when I got caught stealing[br]all those watches from Sears? - [ Groans ][br]- Well, that's nothing,[br]because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let[br]that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed[br]like Santa Claus? - [ Groans ][br]- Well, you have a gambling problem! Homer, when you forgive someone[br]you can't throw it back at them like that.

Aw, what a gyp.

- Mmm.

[br]- Remember when I-- - Homer![br]- Oh, yeah.

I forgot already.