The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F21 - Homer's Barbershop Quartet

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] " [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Glass Shattering ] [ Panting ] - [ Beeping ] - Take two! -[ Beeping ] - Take three! Human roaches, feeding off each other's garbage.

The only thing you can't buy here is dignity.

Welcome, swappers to the Springfield Swap Meet.

Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron.

I need a drink and a shower.

Oyster shells! Hand painted to resemble Lucille Ball! You'll love Oyster Lucy! [ Deep Voice ] Oh, Mr.

Mooney, I just gotta meet Bob Cummings! Viv! Oh, boy! Free trading cards! Wow!Joseph of Aramathea! Twenty-six conversions in A.


46! Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card! Who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun? - Religion? - Learning? Let's get outta here! Hey! Wow! An original Malibu Stacy from 1958! Ooh! Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.

Oh, my! [ Skinner] Prisoner 24601 .

[ Chuckles ] I wore this for two years in a Vietcong internment center.

Never thought I'd see the old girl again.

[ Voice Resonating ] Still fits.

- Small world, huh? - It is.

It really, really is.

Ooh, five cents each.



The airplane's upside-down.

- Stradi-''who''-vius? - [ Strings Break ] Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.

- I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

- [ Groans ] Hmm.


What the hell's this? Melvin and the Squirrels.

Part of the rodent invasion of the early '60s.

" Stuck a feather in his cap and called it-- " - " Rice-A-Roni " - Melvin! [ Gasps ] Bart, look.

It's Dad! Dad, when did you record an album? I'm surprised you don't remember, son.

It was only eight years ago.

Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago.

[ Laughing ] No, really.

I can't.

It's a serious problem.

[ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] What are we all laughing about? - [ Laughing ] - Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985.

A maturing Joe Piscopo left Saturday Night Live to conquer Hollywood.

People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel.

And I was in a barbershop quartet.

" [ Pitch Pipe Hums ] [ Harmonizing ] " Hello " " Hello, my baby Hello, my honey " " Hello, my ragtime ragtime gal " [ Homer's Voice ] Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum Principal Skinner, Apu and I would get together and sing.

And the crowds went wild.

- Yoo-hoo! - " Then you'll be left alone " Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dag-nab it! What did I tell you? No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector.

Consarn it.

Anyway, rock and roll had become stagnant.

''Achy Breaky Heart'' was seven years away.

Something had to fill the void.

And that something was barbershop.

[ Harmonizing ] " Good-bye " " Good-bye my Coney Island baby " That's my son up there! - What, the balding fat-ass? - Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

[ Sirens Wailing ] - " Never to see you any-- " - " Never gonna see you any " I'm gonna nail that cop right between the eyes.

[ Quartet ] "Never to return again " Right after this song is over.

[ Skinner] " Good-bye my Coney Island babe " - [ Whistling ] - [ Thud ] [ Laughing ] "[ Organ ] " Good-bye my Coney Island baby " "Farewell, my own true love true love " - "I'm gonna go away and leave you " - Ching, ching.

You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.

Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St.


[ Gasps ] Oh, my stars! - " So good-bye " - " Farewell " " Shop Kwik-E-Mart and save " " Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- " " Good-bye my Coney Island babe " [ Cheering, Whistling ] Homer, I'm a theatrical agent.

I want to represent your group.

- Really? - Yeah, you've got it.

All except that police officer.

Yuck! Too Village People.

You'll have to replace him.

Just leave it to me.

[ Panting ] Where we goin'? Where we goin'? - [ Brakes Screech ] - Run along, boy.

You're free now.

[ Tires Screech ] No! No! Noooo! Principal Seymour Skinner.

- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

- Eh, never fit on a marquis, luv.

From now on your name is Apu de Beaumarche.

It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

[ Homer's Voice ] The next day, we started auditioning for Chief Wiggum's replacement.

" Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O " "And on this farm he had a chick " "The swingingest chick I know " "With a wiggle-wiggle here And a wiggle-wiggle there " - Get off the stage! - I want to, but I can't! "When you're alone and life is gettin' you lonely " "Ye can always go Ach! ''Doontoon'' " Next! "Theme from a summer place " " From a summer place " "The theme from a summer place " - " It's the theme-- " - [ All ] Next! " If I could walk with the animals " "Talk with the animals " " Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals " Good Lord! Doctor Doolittle is Chief Wiggum.

This bird's gonna fly! - [ Piano Sounds ] - Aaah! [ Homer's Voice ] It was one lousy applicant after another.

- And then-- - [ Melodious Voice ] " Over in Killarney " "So many years ago " - Such a voice.

- Who is that? "Me mither sang this song to me " "In tones so soft and--" [ Belches ] [ All ] Barney! "Just a little Irish ditty " Barney! How'd you like to sing for our group? Sure! Why not? Now whar's me toothpick? "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra " "Too-ra-loo-ra-li " Wiggum forever! Barney never! Wiggum forever! Barney never! - Wiggum forever! - [ Chuckles ] " Sweet Adeline " " Sweet Adeline " " My Adeline " " My Adeline " [ Women Screaming ] Barney forever! Wiggum never! Barney forever! Wiggum never! Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job! I didn't pay any girls to scream.

Huh? [ Tires Squeal ] - [ Chattering ] - [ Barney ] Boy! We sounded great, huh? Only one question remains, gentlemen.

What do we call ourselves? How about Handsome Homer Simpson, Plus Three? I like it! - [ Stammering ] - I do not-- I do not think-- No.

We need a name that's witty at first but seems less funny each time you hear it.

How about the Be Sharps? Perfect.

The Be Sharps.

- The Be Sharps.

- [ Apu and Barney ] The Be Sharps.

[ Wiggum ] The Be Sharps.

[ Chuckles Nervously ] Why, you can't blame a guy for tryin'.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, you're all under arrest.

- What'd you kids get? - I bought this cool pencil holder.

[ Chuckles ] Far out, man.

I haven't seen a bong in years.

No one bought a wishbone necklace.

One of us made some money.

I sold a guy our spare tire.

- [ Tire Blows ] - D'oh! Well, it'll be a long time before your mother gets back with the tire so why don't I tell you more of the story? Now that we had a name, the Be Sharps needed a hit.

Something new, something exciting, something mid-1980s.

"There was nothing in Al Capone's vault " " But it wasn't Geraldo's fault " D'oh! [ Grunts ] Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car! Mmm.

Baby on board.

" Baby on board " " Something, something Burt Ward " This thing writes itself!.

" I'm tellin' you it's mighty nice " " Each trip's a trip to paradise " "With my baby " " On board " Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one.

- Oh, yes! - Yes! Wait till I tell Marge! Oh, yes.

Bouffant Betty.

Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret.

A lot of women are going to want to have sex with you and, uh, we want them to think they can.

Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

[ Sobbing ] - [ Inhales ] - Come on, honey.

It'll only be till we finish our tour of Sweden.

[ Sobs Continue ] " [ Guitar Strums ] " Baby on board " " How I've adored " "That sign on my car's windowpane " That's my boy Homer singing.

- Eh, Paul Harvey's on.

- Ooh! And that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be - Roy Cohn.

- [ Both ] Wow! And now you know the rest of the story.

" 'Cause I'm driving in the carpool lane " "[ Continues ] Aw, squiddy, I got nothing against ya.

I just heard there was gold in your belly.

Ha, ha, harr! Ha, ha, harr! "With my baby " " On board " Homer, you're going to be famous! Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives.

I'll be the same loving father I've always been.

- Have you seen Bart? - I stuck him somewhere.

[ Clanking ] Look what I got for you, Dad.

Oh, Home-- [ Groaning ] Gimme the key.

[ Women Screaming ] I have a question for Apu de Beaumarche.

Isn't it true that you're really an Indian? By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

Barney, how did you join the group? They found me on the men's room floor.

- Principal Skinner-- - Mm-hmm? You've been referred to as ''the funny one.

'' - Is that reputation justified? - Yes.

Yes, it is.

" Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- Good-bye, my Coney Isle-- " " Good-bye my Coney Island babe " " Good-bye my Coney Island babe " Damned ceremonies.

This is time I could be working, Mommy.

We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman.

She's 100 years old, and she weighs over 200 tons.

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aaah! I-- I meant the statue.


Gilligan, the Skipper, and Chief Wiggum.

- Name three castaways.

- Hi-oh! Ooh! Clancy, use the remote.

- Oh, yeah.

- [ Channels Switching ] Oh! Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? [ Gagging Noise ] We had fame and fortune.

Now all we needed was the approval of record company lowlifes.

- [ Drum Roll ] - And the Grammy for outstanding soul, spoken word or barbershop album of the year goes to-- [ Drum Roll ] - The Be Sharps! - [ All ] Yea! Congratulations! David Crosby, you're my hero! - Oh, you like my music? - You're a musician? [ Homer's Voice ] Then came the greatest thrill of my life.

Hello, Homer.

I'm George Harrison.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Where did you get that brownie? - There's a big pile of'em.

[ Squealing ] Oh, man.

What a nice fellow.

Lisa, did you see the Grammys? You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners.

You haven't heard the last of them.

- I miss you, Daddy.

- I miss you too, honey.


Here's that champagne you ordered, Mr.


Oh, thanks.

- Here.

- Wow! An award statue! Oh, it's a Grammy.

- [ Clank ] - [ Man ] Hey, don't throw your garbage down here! - [ Clank ] - [ Thud ] Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise! Lunch boxes, coffee mugs funny foam.

They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous.

But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

- Bart! - What? I can't believe you're not still popular.

What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? All the time.

It was the title of our second album.

But we were about to learn an iron law of show business.

What goes up must come down.

What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years.

- So has Sinatra.

- Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of-- Dean Martin still packs 'em in.

- Ditto Tom Jones.

- Shut up! With your father on the road all the time, I tried to compensate for his absence.

[ Homer's Voice ] Hi, kids.

I love-- [ Speeds Up, Unintelligible ] [ Both ] Aaah! - [ Balloon Pops ] - [ Both ] Aaah! [ Homer's Voice ] Meanwhile, the group was having problems of its own.

" For all the latest medical poop " " Call Surgeon General C.

Everett Koop " " Koop-Koop-a-doop " This is worse than your song about Mr.


I pity the fool who doesn't like he.

- And where's Barney? - Oh, he's with his new girlfriend the Japanese conceptual artist.

[ Barney ] Barbershop is in danger of growing stale.

I'm taking it to strange new places.

- [ Woman's Voice ] Number eight.

- [ Belch ] - [ Woman's Voice ] Number eight.

- [ Belch ] Then came the day we knew we were finished.

Gentlemen, Us magazine just came out with its what's hot and what's not issue.

- Are we hot? - We are not.

[ Homer's Voice ] We all went our separate ways.

Well, William, I'm back.

So, how did you spend your summer? I made millions in software and lost it at the track.

Ach! It may not be glamorous, but it's good, honest work.

- How much is this quart of milk? - Twelve dollars.

- Hey, Barney, what'll it be? - I'd like a beer, Moe.

I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Here you go.

Hey, fellas.

I'm back.

Oh, that's great.

Your replacement is getting tired.

[ Clucks ] - Hey, Queenie, you can go now.

- I'll give her a good home.

And I did.

I'll never forget my five and a half weeks at the top.

-Man, that's some story.

-There are still a few things I don't get.

Like, how come we never heard about this until today? - What happened to the money? - Why haven't you hung up your gold record? - Since when could you write a song? - [ Laughs ] There are perfectly good answers to those questions but they'll have to wait for another night.

Now off to bed.

[ Creaks ] I can't remember the last time we were all together.

Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special.

And a one, and a two, and a three-- " Ba-bum-bum-bum " " Baby on board " " How I've adored " " That sign on my car's windowpane " Hello! Human Fly here.

Come on! I stayed up all night dyeing my underwear.

Extra, extra! Be Sharps sing on rooftop! What? Give me one of those! Wait a minute.

There's nothing in here about the Be Sharps! - Come back here! - Ha-ha! "[ Singing Continues, Indistinct ] - It's been done.

- [ Tires Screech ] - Pretty, huh, Chief? - It sure is, Lou.

It sure is.

Get the tear gas.

" Each trip's a trip to paradise " "With my baby " " On board " [ Applause, Cheering ] [ Applause, Cheering ] [ Homer ] I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group and I hope we passed the audition.

[ Audience Laughing ] [ Barney Laughing ] [ Barney ] I don't get it.

- [ People Chattering ] - Shh!