Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
9F06 - New Kid on the Block
It's true, all right! But I'm gonna have to go with Shasta 'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach.
Simpson, my husband and I have decided to move.
Gonna run out the clock in Florida, eh? Yes.
Well, there's a few things you could do to help us sell our home.
First, whenever you walk in front of your window - could you please wear pants? - Mmm, no.
Second, could you please take in your jack-o'-lanterns from past Halloweens? - Mmm, no.
- And please cover your garbage.
It's attracting wildlife.
Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get off my lawn, now! Hello.
What's this? Wire hangers.
Old newspapers! Okay, Homer, stay calm.
just quietly get this stuff inside your house.
Homer, you're not listening! - That medicine's not for you.
- Come on, Marge.
Maybe I'm not getting enough estrogen.
- Give me that.
- Ahoy, mateys.
Had your fill of tacos? Would ye sooner eat a bilge rat than another burger? Then come for all-you-can-eat seafood at The Frying Dutchman.
- Is it more iced tea ye be needing? - Okay.
Set sail for The Frying Dutchman.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Marge, we're going to that restaurant.
But I think I'm allergic to seafood.
The last time I ate shrimp, my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions.
Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining so why don't we just agree to pay whatever the Winfields want? - That could work.
- What was that? - Sigh.
Hmm? There you are! Thought you could get away, huh? Good-bye.
I don't think we should be down here.
Nervous, Lise? I don't blame you.
This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son.
Bart, the Winfields didn't have a son.
See that sock over there? It was his only friend.
Here in the dark, you won't need those eyes.
- Let me have them.
- Bart, that's not funny! There are some who say the monster is still here! Friend.
Friend! Hey, kid, wake up.
- Who are you? - I'm Laura, your new neighbor.
You all right? She's beautiful.
Say something clever.
I fell on my bottom.
D'oh! Oh, not again! My mother's inside, Mrs.
Please go right on in.
Oh, you speak so politely to adults.
My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am.
And, finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield.
'" Thank you.
This is all so nice.
I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield especially after that Time cover story, "America's Worst City.
" - You could see our house in that photo.
And this is, uh, for the man of the house which I guess is you.
I guess I should explain.
Laura's father and I divorced two years ago.
They're so sweet when you marry them.
- But soon, it's just career, career, career.
- My hammock! Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way! I bet you don't know this one.
How'd you like a Hertz donut? Hurts, don't it? Right.
Do you know what a wet willie is? - Is it this? - Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? Well, I don't know.
Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type.
- Hey, what the-- - That chick's messin' with our minds.
- Let's get out of here.
- Now, where were we? - Oh, yeah.
I was gonna tell your fortune.
- Huh? - Oh, man.
You're gonna be rich! - Whoa! There's your mansion.
There's the tennis court.
And there's the swimming pool.
See you later, Bart.
I'll never wash this hand again.
Dad, make Bart wash his hand.
I no longer control the hand.
- The hand controls me! - Dad! Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
Sorry, this isn't Abbie.
This is her sister.
I look after her now.
No, Bart, put it down.
Put it down, Bart.
Bart, put it down.
Oh! No all-you-can-eat seafood.
I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing.
- Nothing! - Maybe Laura could watch us.
Oh, I get it.
"Bart, the babysitter's here.
" "Let me tuck you in.
" Silence! Huh? Maybe it's time I wash my hand.
I'll send Laura over to babysit as soon as she gets home.
Oh, uh, and there was something else.
- Something I was supposed to tiptoe around-- - My divorce.
That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered.
That could have been embarrassing.
Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.
I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you can arrange it.
After all, Homer, I do have the normal appetites.
I know what you mean.
just let me make sure we're not talking about food.
- I'm not.
- We're talking about sex, right? - Right.
I hear you loud and clear.
- Bart, are you taking a bath? - Yes, I am.
And it would be nice to have a little privacy around here for a change.
This wouldn't have anything to do with Laura coming over, would it? Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
What a pleasant surprise.
What do you guys want for dinner? I don't care.
Ask Hef over there.
Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up.
just shut up! We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in "Vandihar.
" Take your kaftab'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh.
Now, that is good labneh.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? - Yes.
- Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse-- Excellent choice.
And for the gentleman? - All you can eat! All you can eat! - All right.
When you're ready, take this plate over-- Please, don't take the steam tray! Sir! Come on, Bart.
If I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.
just follow me.
Put your hand on my hip.
- Wedgie! - Whoa! That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters! 'Tis no man.
'Tis a remorseless eating machine.
Arr! - Six bells.
Time for closin'.
- Can't talk.
Fairly warned be thee, says I.
Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey! But the sign said, "All you can eat.
" I'm gonna fight this thing.
Oh, please don't.
For me? Sorry, Marge.
This is my quest.
I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy.
- You know, he fought the windmills.
- Don Quixote? No, that's not it.
What's his name? "The Man of La Mancha.
" - Don Quixote.
- No! I really think that was the character's name-- Don Quixote.
I'll look it up.
Well, who was it? - Never mind.
Oh, no! Here comes the conservative judge! Plead insanity! Plead insanity! - It's not working! - All right.
Hit the "change of venue" button.
Now! [Bart] Oh, no.
You're in Texas! Yee-haw! If I'd hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would have made it.
Ah, Bart, I gotta go.
See you around.
- I am thinking you like this girl, yes? - How did you know? My ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than who is about to shoot me.
"All you can eat.
'" Ha! Mr.
Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.
So, do you think I have a case? Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often.
But you are the greatest hero in American history.
Whoo-hoo! - I'm here to see my Grampa.
- Here I am, sonny.
- You're not my grandpa.
- Ah, come on.
Give me a chance.
Hey, can your grandfather do this? - Oh! - Bart! Aw, you remembered my birthday.
I sure did.
- Here's a bus schedule.
- Wow! Fits right in my pocket.
Grampa, I need some advice.
Did you ever have a crush on an older woman? I had a crush on the oldest woman.
- Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
- What happened? She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd.
Suddenly, she didn't have any time for me.
Oh! I wore a 1 5-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it just wasn't enough.
Dad, I have some questions about women.
Uh, can't you see I'm readin' the, uh, cultural calendar? Ooh! "Mostly Mozart" is in town.
Homer, Bart's at a very curious age.
As his father, I think you should have a frank and earthy discussion about you know.
But, Marge, I think he should learn about it the same way I did.
Are you sure? Hmm.
Zookeeper! Zookeeper! Those two monkeys are killing each other! - They're having sex.
- Oh? Maybe you're right.
Now, if you'll excuse us this is a sacred moment between a boy and his father.
Son, a woman is a lot like, um a refrigerator.
They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds.
They make ice and-- Oh, wait a minute.
Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
They smell good.
They look good.
You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one.
You wanna drink another woman.
So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it "'cause I don't know where it is, you bologna.
You make me wanna retch.
" How can I get her to notice me? Meet me at the tree house, Bart.
And come alone.
- Thanks for coming.
- I please to aim.
I'm so happy.
I just had to tell someone.
I have a boyfriend.
You won't be needing this.
A boyfriend? I really think you'd like him, Bart.
His name's Jimbo.
Jimbo Jones? Uh, you've been flushing for 20 minutes.
- Is there a problem? - Uh, no, Principal Skinner.
I'll continue to wait.
How can you like that guy? I don't know.
Maybe 'cause he's an outlaw.
- You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? - Jimbo killed him? No, but he poked him with a stick.
Hey, Laura, Dr.
Tongue has arrived.
That's him, Bart! - Who's the dork? - Leave him alone.
He's just a kid.
Just a kid.
Just a kid.
I'll show them who's just a kid.
Bart, it's your bedtime.
I laid out your jammy-jams.
Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do? I married her! Homer, please.
I just had eggs.
Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad.
That means a lot to me.
All right, you guys.
I want you in bed before Jimbo gets here.
What do you like about him? He's just a good-lookin' rebel who plays by his own rules.
'Twas a moonless night, dark as pitch when out of the mist came a beast more stomach than man.
- Hey! - So I says to me bosuns, "Batten down the mizzenmast.
" Captain McCallister, isn't it a fact that you're not a real captain? Aye.
Your Honor, I would like to show the court just how much shrimp Mr.
Bring it in, boys! all addressed to "Santa Claus.
" You want "The People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle.
" - That's next door.
Simpson, isn't it true your husband once consumed a 1 0-pound bag of flour when no other food was available? - Yes, but it was-- - Your witness.
- Uh, there's a pizza here for-- - Right here.
Simpson, what did you and your husband do after you were ejected from the restaurant? We pretty much went straight home.
Simpson, you're under oath.
We drove around until 3:00 a.
looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant.
And when you couldn't find one? We went fishing.
Do these sound like the actions of a man who had "all he could eat"? - No! - That could've been me! Homer, I've a proposition forye, fair and true.
Come on, Marge.
Let the people see your pretty face.
Come see "Bottomless Pete," nature's cruelest mistake.
Come for the freak, stay for the food.
- Oh, he's hideous! - I heard they shaved a gorilla.
Hey, baby, my shirt's chafin' me.
- Mind if I take it off? - Well, okay.
I gotta do something! Hmm.
But it says, "Good for one free beer at Moe's.
" This is Moe's Tavern, isn't it? No, this is Bo's Cavern.
Give me my beer.
Stupid Welcome Mobile.
I knew it would ruin me! Yeah, just a sec.
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Maybe your standards are too high.
You little S.
B! If I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt! My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1 094 Evergreen Terrace.
Aha! Big mistake, pal! Ho-ho! I knew he'd slip up sooner or later.
Rusty and dull.
Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
What kind of pathetic drunk Do you take me for? Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray.
Where is that map? Evergreen Terrace.
There it is-- F-5.
I don't believe it.
Now my pants are chafin' me.
All right, who's Jimbo Jones? - I am.
- You just made your second mistake, buddy boy! Please, dude, don't hurt me.
- That's your outlaw? - I wasn't really gonna kill ya.
I was just gonna cut ya.
Ah, forget it.
Ouch! I better go check on Barney.
My heart just stopped.
Ah, there it goes.
Ow! Stupid wishing well! Jimbo, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
You're just not the guy I thought you were.
Can I have my shirt back? Well, Bart, you were right about him.
As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teenage mustache - I'd go out with you in a second.
Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name Ivana.
just a sec.
Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses.
Har, har, har.