The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F03 - Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie

D'oh! Captain's log.

Stardate 6051.

Had trouble sleeping last night.

My hiatal hernia is acting up.

The ship is drafty and damp.

I complain, but nobody listens.

Star Trek XI: So Very Tired.

See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure.

Captain, Klingons Off the starboard bow.

Again with the Klingons! Mr.

Scott, give me full power.

It's no good, Captain.

I cannot reach the control panel.

Movies! What a rip-off!.

I don't have to sit here and take this! I-- - Hubba hubba.

Oh, you kid.

- Thank you, dear.

Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent teacher meeting.

- We'll bring back dinner.

- What are we gonna have? Well, that depends on what the teachers say.

If you've been good, pizza.

If you've been bad uh, let's see-- poison.

What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? - Poisoned pizza.

- Oh, no.

I'm not making two stops.

All right.

I'll talk to Lisa's teacher this year.

- You can have Bart's.

- That's the way we do it every year.

All right.

Tell you what.

I'm thinking Of a number between 1 and 50.

- Is it 37? - D'oh! I mean, no.

- Homer! - Please, Marge? Please, please, please, please, please? - Oh, all right.

- Whoo-hoo! U.


A! U.


A! U.


A! Agh! Hee-hee! Bart has been guilty Of the following atrocities-- synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots replacing my birth control pills with Tic Tacs.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sure Bart doesn't really mean to be bad.

Now's our chance to be bad.


Simpson, I just wanted to tell you that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa.

- You must have read to her at a young age.

- I did.

I did read to her.


Happy Days.

"The Fonz, Henry Winkler is worried he's losing his cool.

" Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "Rs"-- reading TV Guide, um writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide.

Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses.

Come in, Arthur.

Now, where did Bart stick the fireworks? Over the lips and past the gums-- look out dentures, here I come.

Ew! "My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary.

" You know, I never thought I'd find a replacement for my "Where's the Beef?" bumper sticker.

"Where's the Beef?" Uh, we'd like the desk back, Mr.


Huh? Oh.

Yaah! I really don't see how this helps Bart.

Just do it.

- Busted! - Homer, we have a problem here.

Are you kidding? Lisa turned out perfect.

I won't stand here and listen To you bad-mouthing Lisa! - We're talking about Bart! - Oh.

That guy.

I think the problem here is discipline.

- If Bart does something wrong, you should punish him.

- Well, we try.

But he has this way ofmaking us think we've punished him when actually we've completely caved in.

- He's the boy you love to hate.

- Well, you've got to start being firm with him.

I believe, with persistent discipline even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say chief justice of the Supreme Court.

Chief justice Of the Supreme Court.

What great men he would join-- john Marshall Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger-- Mmm, burger.

- And what if we don't? - Then there's no telling how low he can sink.

All right, ladies.

Prepare to be blownaway By Bang Bang Bart.

- You're fat! -Just more of me to love, honey.

Oh! My poor baby! Uh-oh.

What? What's that? Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading-- The Bible? Ew.

Well, we brought some pizza.

If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home.

You already put me in a home.

Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60Minutes.

I'll be good.

Look what your bad egg Of a son did to my teeth! Dad, you and your stories.

"Bart broke my teeth.

" "The nurses are stealing my money.

" "This thing on my neck is getting bigger.

" Now, this is exactly what Bart's teacher was talking about.

Our son did something wrong, and you look the other way.

But, Marge, look at that hangdog expression.

He's learned his lesson.

Let's get him a present.

- Please, Homer.

Why do I always have to be the bad guy? - All right, all right.

Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

- No, no, no! - Ohh.

Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper.

Yeah, right.

Like you're gonna let me go hungry.

I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes.

- Bart, stop being confident.

- Doggoneit! - Ohh.

- Oh, Grampa.

I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick! - I'm a-comin', boy! - Homer, get back here! There must be something to eat around here.


Gee, maybe they mean it this time.

- From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly-- - Bart.

Don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza.

just promise me you'll try to be good.

- I promise.

- That-a-boy.


Well, well.

If it isn't the tooth fairy.

Coming for Christmas, The Itchy and Scratchy Movie.

Bart! Stick around, Mr.


Things are really starting to cook.

Bart, come quick! There's an Itchy and Scratchy movie! If you want suspense-- romance-- Mmm! you'll find it in The Itchy and Scratchy Movie coming soon to a theater near you.

- Fifty-three percent new footage.

- Wow.

- Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked? - Indeed I did.

D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here! Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this.

Dad, you could punish me.

But that means you have to think of a punishment sit here and make sure I do it-- - Ohh.

- Or you could let me go play with Milhouse while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.

�Ay, elest�mago! Run along, you little scamp.

Huh? Bart! Why are you doing that? - I don't know.

- Well, this time you must be punished! Well, you could punish me, but-- No tricks, boy.

I said I'm gonna punish you.

And come hell or high water, I-- Wait a minute! Ice cream truck! Me! Me! I was here first! Mmm.

Now, what were we talking about, boy? Uh, we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.

Oh, yeah.

The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

- We're home! - We got beets! - Bart, are you pulling up the carpet? - Uh-huh.

- Why are you letting him do this? - I don't know.

- Well, punish him.

- All right, all right.

Bart, go toyour room.

See you in the funny pages.

- How could you let this happen? - How could you let this happen? - I wasn't here.

- Oh, how convenient.

Homer, do you want your son to become Chief justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? - Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.

- Now who's being naive? - Look, you have to help discipline your son.

- All right, Marge.

I swear to you-- the next time he does something wrong, I'll punish him and make it stick.

Tonight on Eye on Springfield we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.

Kill me.

Kill me.

But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy and Scratchy mania with their new movie premiering today.

I got my ticket.

I'm here live in Korea to give you a firsthand look at how American cartoons are made.

But first, let's take a look back at the year 1 928 a year when you might have seen Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole.

Yaah! It was also the year Of the very first Scratchy cartoon entitled "That Happy Cat.

" The film did very poorly.

But the following year, Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy and cartoon history was made.

Here's their first cartoon together-- "Steamboat Itchy.

" Oh, me, oh, my.

During the war, Itchy and Scratchy put their differences aside and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.

We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy-- a rabid mouse in Boston who attacked and killed a small cat.

Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie? Sounds like something you'd say.

Hey, where is she? Oh, my Lord! Oh, isn't that cute.

A baby driving a car.

And look.

There's a dog driving a bus.

Hey! All right! Time for a crime spree.

All right, boy.

This calls for the biggest punishment I ever handed down and this time it's gonna stick.

- Come on, Homer.

This isn't funny.

- Damn right! Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy and Scratchy movie ever! Oh, no! Beta! Dad, you gotta let me see that movie.

Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on.

Go nuts.

Don't point that thing at me.

I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it.

Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished but The Itchy and Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation.

How would you've liked it if someone told you That you couldn't watch the moon landing? Hmm.

That's one small step for man.

One giant leap for mankind.

Sorry, but the punishment stands.

I regret nothing! - Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

- Not bloody likely.

No, it's true.

You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me.

So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table.

The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

- Dad, what's the point of this story? - I like stories.

Can I please go to the movie? I know my punishment might seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it.

- You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

- TV sucks.

I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that! The master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour.

I'm not licked yet.

I can entertain myself.

No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare to the imagination of a small boy.

- How was it? - It wasn't that great.

- Be honest.

- It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos-- Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson-- Of course, they didn't use their real names, But you could tell it was them.

- Lisa! - Sorry, Bart.

It's just not the same.

I've seen The Itchy and Scratchy Movie I've seen it 17 times.

You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now.

- No one who saw the movie would say that! - Let's get him! Homer, we'd like to talk to you.

But then I won't be watching TV.

You can see the bind I'm in.

Dad, you've gotta let Bart see that movie.

I've never seen him like this.

He has the demented melancholia Of a Tennessee Williams heroine.

- Don't you think I know that? - Well, it's been two months.

You laid down the law, and I'm proud of you.

- But I think we've gotten through to him.

- Ah, sweet, softhearted Marge.

You just can't see the big picture.

If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up chief justice of the Supreme Court.

If I fail, the best he could do is judge at a Mr.

Tight Buns competition.

I can't let that happen.

I won't let that happen.

And I can't let that happen.

One for Itchy and Scratchy.

We promised your dad we wouldn't.

I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards The Itchy and Scratchy Movie is showing for the last time.

Tomorrow, a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open.

Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.

Well, Dad, I guess you won.

No, son.

We both won.

You don't know it now, but I've started you on the road to somewhere very special.

Well, I'll be.

The Itchy and Scratchy Movie.

Come on.

What do you say? All right.

I think you've learned your lesson.

One senior citizen and one chief justice Of the Supreme Court.

Eh, eh, eh.

I'll get it, son.

- That'll be $650.

- D'oh.

One Soylent Green, hold the butter.


Soylent Green.

Get out.

Get out! Yea! Which one's the mouse? - Itchy.

- Itchy's a jerk.