The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F01 - Homer the Heretic

TheSimpsons D'oh! Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.

# La, la, la, la, la # # La, la, la # La, la, la Let go! Let go! I'm all naked and wet! - Get up, Homer.

It's time for church.

- I don't wanna go.

- It's church.

You have to go.

- Too cold out.

I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday.

Get dressed.

Oh, stupid, itchy church pants.

One size fits all, my butt! Come on.

We're going to be late.

Forget it.

I'm not going.

- Hey, where's Homer? - Your father's resting.

"Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here.

Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun.

I never wanna leave this bed.


Gotta take a whiz.

Think, man.


Think, think, think.

I better get up.

I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it.

It's 1 1 K-BBL degrees below zero.

- I hope you're someplace warm.

- You bet your sweet ass! I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.

Yeah, what's the story? But let's just put it out of our minds and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah long version.

"Joy is gone from our hearts our dancing has turned to mourning.

'" The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age out-of-this-world moon waffles.

Let's see here.


Waffle batter.

Liquid smoke.

Oooh, waffle runoff.

Mmm, fattening.

And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell! The searing heat the scalding rivers of molten sulfur! Ahhh, I'm there.


Here, boy.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The service has ended.

Go in peace.

The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out! Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

That was Johnny Calhoun with "Gonna Find Mea Genie With a Magic Bikini.

'" Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views.

It killed his career.

If you can tell me the name Of that album, call our contest line now.

I know that! - Hello.

This is Homer Simpson.

- Homer, can you name that title? - "This Things I Believe.

" - Uh, can we accept that? Whoo-hoo! - How's that door coming, Willy? - Miracles are your department, Reverend.

Uh, while we're waiting, Why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? Card table for sale.

Top badly damaged.

Leg missing.

Otherwise fine.

One dollar or best offer.

You must be the three chiropractors I sent for.

Now, start manipulating my spine.

Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin.

You heard the lady.

Grab her spine and get crackin.

Moe is their leader.

- Why, you! - Hey! Huzzah! Plea-Please, Christians, don't push.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.


Coming through.

Howya doing? Love that hat, baby.

Come on, TV.

Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap.

Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen.

Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all.

We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.

Yes! Give it a little more gas.

No, no, that's too much.

You know what I think would help? - What? What would help? - Nothing.

Oh, doctor.

A 98-yard triple reverse ties the score at 63-63.

We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.

Whoo-hoo! Is that what I think it is? Mm-hmm.

I found a penny! Could this be the best day of my life? Looks like we have a new champion.

Ah, my beloved family.

How was church? I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life and I owe it all to skipping church.

That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.

Like fun I don't.

Marge, I'm never going to church again! Homer, are you actually giving up your faith? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, yes.

I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer.

Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? - I mean, isn't God everywhere? - Amen, brother.

And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week? - Tell it, Daddy.

- And what if we pick the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder.

Testify! Lord, my husband is by no means perfect but he's a kind, decent man.

Please show him the error of his ways.

Marge, come to bed.

No, Homer.

He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord.

He just likes to sleep in on Sundays.


Come to bed, Marge.

Lord, please.

He's not a bad person, Lord, really.

- It's good for what ails ya.

- He doesn't mean any harm.

I can wait all-- God? Thou has forsaken my church! - Well, kind of, but-- - But what? I'm not a bad guy.

I work hard and I love my kids.

So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? Hmm, you've got a point there.

You know, sometimes even I'd rather be watching football.

Does St.

Louis still have a team? - No, they moved to Phoenix.

- Oh, yeah.

You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me.

I think I'll give him a canker sore.

- Give him one for me.

- I will.

So I figure I should just try to live right-- and worship you in my own way.

Homer, it's a deal.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

- Dad, can I ask you a question? - Sure, honey.

Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? Don't worry, sweetheart.

If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.

Hello, my animal friends.

Peace be with you.

Guys, please, could you give me five minutes? Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit Of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner.

- What? - No, it's nothing bad.

I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately.

Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but then God himself told me I should seek a new path.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

He appeared before me in a dream and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked Marge.

So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? - What'd he look like? - Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.

Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy.

Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26.

The foolish man who built his house on sand.

And you remember Matthew 21 :1 7.

"And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"? Yeah.

Think about it.

Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.

I won't be coming in tomorrow.

Religious holiday.

The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy.

- Pretty slick.

- You should join my religion, Moe.

It's great.

No hell, no kneeling-- Sorry, Homer.

I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

Neighbor, I heard about your heresy and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.

- No sale.

- Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice.

Hey, dig this.

- Leave me alone.

- Dad, the heathen's getting away.

I see him, son.

- Where we going? - Garbage Island.

Huh? Let's go, kids.

How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons? I have a responsibility to raise these children right.

And unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is well, wicked.

Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy.

He had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right.

And that man's name was-- I forget.

But the point is-- I forget that too.

Marge, you know who I'm talking about.

- He used to drive that blue car.

- Kids, could you wait outside for us? Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my god because you just can't win.

There you go again.

Always taking someone else's side-- Flanders, the water department, God.

I'm only going to ask you one last time.

Are you sure you won't come with us to church? Coming up next: make your own ladder.

Very sure.

My friends, the devil walks among us! - I got him! - No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail.

Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form pleasing to the eye.

Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels.



That's no good.

Hey, now we're talking.

"Our unabashed dictionary defines I.



as "love springs internal.

"' I don't get it.


I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns.

Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of75Jewish clowns.

The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas.

There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere.

It was terrible.

Wait a minute.

Is this a religious thing? A religious clown thing, yes.

- Sorry.

- Well, bless you any-- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy! Apu, I see you're not in church.

Oh, but I am.

I have a shrine to Ganesha the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge.

- Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? - Please do not offer my god a peanut.

No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must've been out taking a whiz.


Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

Pride goeth before destruction! Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Marge, turn down the heat.

That's better.

Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song, the song.

D'oh! Fire at the old Simpson place! - You're on your honor not to steal anything.

- Oh, we won't.

Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.

How I have waited for this day.

You ducks are really trying my patience! But you're so cute.


Homer! No! Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true.


Flanders, you saved me.

Why? Heck, you'd have done the same for me.

Help! Help! That's right, old friend.

- Dad! - Oh, Homie, are you all right? Our magazines and roach traps, gone.

All gone.

I saved your cat.

Ow! That hurt.

Hey, what are these axes for? - I don't know.

Chopping stuff.

- Gotcha.

Uh, that's some nice chopping.

Truly, this was an act of God.

Hey, wait a minute.

Flanders is a regular Charlie Church and God didn't save his house.

- D'oh! - Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- Sorry.

This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.

Well, that's just great.

Fire, man's oldest foe.

Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.

Hey, it's out.

Coming up next, which work better-- springy clothespins or the other kind? You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.

- Yes, the lesson is-- - No, don't tell me.

I'll get it.

Oh, I know.

The Lord is vengeful.

O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten.

" Homer, God didn't Set your house on fire.

No, but he was working in the hearts Of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid be they Christian, Jew or miscellaneous.


There are - Aw, that's super.

- I was rude to every one of you.

And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Now, would you give church another try? I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.

Don't feel bad, Homer.

Nine out often religions fail in their first year.

That's game, Hendrix! God, I gotta ask you something.

What's the meaning of life? Homer, I can't tell you that.

- Come on.

- You'll find out when you die.

- I can't wait that long.

- You can't wait six months? No, tell me now.

Well, okay.

Well, okay.

The meaning of life is-- Shh!