The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F19 - Krusty Gets Kancelled

[Chorus] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [Theme] - [Announcer]Live from Springfield Harbor where the sewage meets the sand-- [ Coughs, Spits ] - it's The Springfield Squares! - [Applause] Now, Jacqueline, I believe it's your turn.

- I'll take Rainier Wolfcastle to block.

- Ah, Rainier Wolfcastle star of McBain and the upcoming film Help, My Son is a Nerd! My son returns from a fancy East Coast college and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.

[ Laughing ] I'm laughing already.

- It's not a comedy.

- Oh.

Attention! This is the Coast Guard.

A 50-foot tidal wave is heading this way.

All game shows off the beach! - [ Gasping ] - [ All Screaming ] Everybody up here to my square.

It's safe and it's sexy.

Oh, baby.

Hurry, Charlie.

There is not much time.

I ain't goin' nowhere.

I been in this square pert' near 30 seasons, and I ain't a-leavin' now.

- [ Yelling ] - He's dead now.

[ Both Laughing ] [ Man ] Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo! - Did you see that? - Yeah.

- What's Gabbo? - I figure it's some guy's name.

Some guy named Gabbo.

[Homer] Hmm.

I don't think they're giving enough information, Dad.

I'll figure it out.

I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.

[ Buzzing ] - Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! - Uh, yes, sir.

Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that," but no one is saying "worship this" and "Jericho that.

" What's this about Gabbo? I can't believe it.

Our first glimpse of Gabbo! He'll tell us what to do.

[Drum roll] - [Cymbals Crash] - Hello.

I'm Gabbo.

- And I'm Arthur Crandall.

- That's easy for you to say.

You don't have a hand up your tuchas.

- Oy! Hey! - [ Chuckles ] Oh, Gabbo.

You'll say anything.

And you can watch us every afternoon at 4:00.

[ Gasps ] That's the same time as Krusty the Clown! Uh-oh.

That cute little character could take America by storm.

All he needs is a hook.

- I'm a bad widdle boy.

- �Aycarumba! [Orchestra] [ Singing ] [ Imitating Vin Scully] Let's take time out from this triple play to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausage.

Mm-mmm! [ Singing Continues ] [ All ] Gabbo! Ahh, that dummy doesn't scare me.

I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried 'em all.

Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop-- - Don't forget the Special Olympics.

- Oh, yeah.

- I slaughtered the Special Olympics.

- [Door Opens] Are those our ratings? Let me see.

I lost to Channel Ocho? What the hell is that? Dos huevos, por favor.

�Ay! Oh, quel�stima.

[ Chuckles ] I gotta steal that bit.

- This is boring.

- I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.

[ Crackling ] [ Together] Cool.

- Now let's throw some crud on it.

- Hey, it's 4:00.

[Trumpet, Snare Drum] So, you want ventriloquism, do ya? All right, watch this.

Hello, Alphonse.

I've got a riddle for you.

Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know.

Why is a-- [ All Screaming ] Hey, the dummy can't hurt you.

He's not even alive.

He's dead! [ Screaming ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Screaming ] [ Groans ] All right, here's the deal.

Every time you watch my show - I will send you $40! - [Announcer]Checks will not be honored.

I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies.

But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy.

" [Applause] Well, kids, this is where you would watch Itchy and Scratchy except they're on the Gabbo Show now.

So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team Worker and Parasite! [Drums] [ Both Muttering, Indistinct ] [Piano] What the hell is that? [ Groans ] Well, that's it.

We've been canceled.

I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show except for that week Ray Jay Johnson was my co-host.

"You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay.

" Ooh! That thing was funny for about three seconds.

The important thing is, we're like a family.

- Krusty, I-- - Shut your hole! [ Melodic Door Chime ] - Krusty, how ya holding up? - Well, I'm kinda worried about the future.

How do you deal with it? Well, you've been on TV longer than I have.

I'm sure you've saved up quite a nest egg.

Uh, yeah.

Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop? [ Grunts, Groans ] - Krusty, you wanna stay for dinner? - Nah, sorry.

Ah, that's too bad, 'cause tonight my guests will be Dr.

Carl Sagan - and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embry.

- [Drum roll] "Oh, Kyle, I just don't think I fit in here at Melrose Place.

" From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.

- [ Nose Honks ] - [Man]Next.

[Trumpet] Come on, you stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! No, don't look at me! Run! No! Don't come over here! [ Groans ] Oh, boy.

And now, it's time for another patented Gabbo Crank Call! - Oh, I love these.

- I can't believe it.

He stole this bit from Krusty! Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.

Oh, everything's stolen nowadays.

Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

- [ Line Ringing ] - It's ringing.

[ Deep Voice ] Hello.

Is this Krusty the Clown? [ Krusty] Is this the callback for that porno film? Look, I was a little nervous that day but I'm all man, I can assure you.

[ Chuckles ] No, I represent a Japanese camera company.

We'd like to pay you two million dollars to do a camera commercial.

Whoa! Me rikey velly much! Oh, I hope I didn't offend you.

I need this bad.

Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone? - Oh! You got it! Ow! - [ Thumping ] Ow! Ooh, blood.

- [ Both Laughing ] - [Audience Laughing] What the-- [ Groans ] If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.

- Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.

- Yes, they do.

- No, they don't.

- Yes, they do.

- No, they don't.

Dad! - Yes, they do.

Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.

Ah, Rex Morgan, M.


You have the prescription for the daily blues.

We'll be back after this commercial for Gabbo Airlines.

[Man] And cut.

- That oughta hold the little S.




- Gabbo, quiet.

- Oh, I wouldn't wanna offend the little S.




- I wish you'd stop saying that.


- [ Laughing ] - Hey, boyo, what's so funny? Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested.

It's too lowbrow.

No, I'm quite lowbrow.

Well, somebody just wrote a bawdy limerick on the men's room wall.

This I gotta see! All the kids in Springfield are S.




Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV.

And that's my two cents.

[ Chuckles ] That oughta hold those S.




[ Chuckles ] What the-- [ Both Gasp ] Oh, no! - Krusty, are you making any money? - Nah.

That guy's giving it away for free.

[ Singing ] [ Groans ] Thirty-five years in show business and already no one remembers me.

just like what's-his-name and who sits and, you know, that guy, always wore a shirt-- - Ed Sullivan? - Yeah.

I didn't know you knew Luke Perry! [ Scoffs ] Know him? He's my worthless half-brother.

- He's a big TV star.

- Yeah, on Fox.

Elizabeth Taylor.

Bette Midler.

Bette and I owned a racehorse together: Krudler.

Hey, Bart, if we get all these big stars to appear on a special with Krusty it might get his career going again.

Here's my address book.

Go get those stars! It won't be easy, but I'm gonna claw my way back on to TV.

[ Singing ] [Male Announcer] And now, the Crazy Old Man Singers.

[Male Chorus Singing] Miss Midler, I can't believe you do this all by yourself.

We're Americans.

We deserve clean highways.

You pigs! [ Panting ] Oh, no! Bette Midler! [ Grunting ] [ Yelling ] [Crash] Now, where were we? We were asking you to appear on Krusty's Komeback Special.


Tell Krusty he can count me in.

It's time to take out the trash.

[ Man Shouting ] I'll get you for this, Midler! [ Man Over P.


] And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville pad.

- A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room.

- Of course.

But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere the alternative energy research center.


- Desalinization plant? - Yes.

The grotto uses so much water, the Bunnies felt we should go this way.

- Smart Bunnies, Hef.

I can call you Hef, can't I? - No.

You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.

It does.

We had 30,000 here last night.

Now play.

The audience is gettin' restless.

We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy! Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special? - Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.

- No problemo.

- Hey, Moe, look over there.

- What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'.

I'm gonna stop looking soon.

- What? What, is that it? - Hey, Moe, can I look too? - Sure, but it'll cost ya.

- My wallet's in the car.

He is so stupid.

And now, back to the wall.

[ Humming ] Miss Taylor, a couple of grade-school kids Wanted you to be on a Krusty special.

- I told them to buzz off.

- Good.

[ Humming ] - [Pounding On Door] - Krusty, we've got great news! [ Both Screaming ] [ Groaning ] Krusty, what have you done to yourself? I thought I'd get into shape, so I've been drinking nothing but milk shakes.

- You mean those diet milk shakes? - Uh-oh.

Now, you can stay with us until you lose that weight.

You can sleep on the sofa.

It folds right out.

[ Grunting, Yelling ] Oh, wait.

That was the old sofa.

[ Screeching ] Oh, I'll never get my aim back.

- You gotta keep working on it.

- Oh! Aah! Aah! Water! [ Yelling ] Mmm, delicious.

- Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless.

- [ Gabbo On TV] Hi, kids.

It's me, Gabbo! [ Laughing ] Pork prices rose in early trading today.

But you've gotta comeback, Mel! - We're a team.

- No, Krusty.

You always treated me rather shabbily.

On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.

Ah, come on.

You wanna waste your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers? Here's your taco, mister.


It fell in the fryer.

I'll get it out.

Ow! Ow! Ow!Ow! Sorry, Krusty.

I like it here.


Johannson treats me with dignity.

Is this clown bothering you, Mel? That's all right, Mr.


I'll handle it.

- Here's your taco, sir.

- I don't want it.

But this comes out of my salary.

If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

[Man]Okay, Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit.

Look, kids! A horsie! And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry? A 1 9th-century carousel.

[Yells] Upstage me, will ya? - Get the hell out! - Look, there must be something I can do on the show.


For Mom's sake? Well, maybe we can find something.

[ Yelling ] [ Sinister Chuckling ] I don't like it.

He's got Johnny Carson, Bette Midler and Hugh Hefner.

- What've we got? - Ray Jay Johnson.


Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Now, boys the network has a problem with some of your lyrics.

- Would you mind changing 'em for the show? - For get you, clown.

Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man.

No way.

Well, okay.

But here, where you say "What I got, you gotta get and put it in you," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"? - Wow! That's much better.

- Everyone can enjoy that.

-[Drum roll] - Live from Springfield the entertainment capital of the state the Krusty Komeback Special! [Piano] [ Singing Ballad ] [ Sobbing ] [ Singing Ballad ] [ Applause ] - I love you, Krusty.

- Quiet! [Drum roll] - Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry? - Fire away, Krusty.

[Yelling] - Aah! My face! My valuable face! - Hmph! [ Sighs ] [Yelling] [ Nervous Chuckle ] Oy! [ Singing Rock] Dancin' around in their underwear.

That is so degrading.

- 30 seconds till your Little Stinker sketch.

- Get me a bigger lolly.

Now, Johnny, whatcha got for us? Some jokes? A little magic? Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1 987 Buick Skylark over my head.

Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing.

Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.

[ Singing Opera In Foreign Language ] [ Tones Chiming ] I've got to fire that agent.

[Piano] [ Singing Ballad ] [ Both Sobbing ] This was a great show, Krusty.

You deserve an Emmy for this.

Forget it.

The Academy hates me.

I don't know why.

Bunch of old, know-nothing dinosaurs wouldn't know entertainment if it bit 'em in the-- Hey, hey! [ Laughs ] [Jazz] [ Dinging ] - [ Buzzing ] - [ Grunting ] Now, Krusty, I just hope you remember to save your money this time.

Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty.

[ Sobbing ] Oy! - What's up, Moe? - Hey, Moe! Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! - Get with the times, Moe.

- Yeah.

I say if it feels good, do it.

All right.

- [ Chuckling ] - Don't snap my undies.

I'm a star again.

I don't know how to thank you, kids.

- That's all right, Krusty.

- We're getting 50%% of the T-shirt sales.

What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell.

You deserve it.

Thanks, kids.

To Krusty, the greatest entertainer in the world-- Except maybe that guy.

Is this the bus to the civic center? - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!