The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F18 - Whacking Day

Children, we've just been tipped off that Superintendent Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection.

So, let's clean up this pigsty.

- Whoa! - [ Screeches ] On another topic, the following students have won mountain bikes.

Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones Nelson Muntz.

I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud till I get back.

Y-Yes, sir.

You may pick your bikes up in utility basement "B.

" Fools.

[ Evil Laugh ] [Laughter Continues] - Oops.

Still on.

-[Shuts Off] Hey, what do you think he meant by that "fools" remark? Aw, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike.

Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes? Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen.

[ Grunts ] You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit.

- Enjoy.

- [Lock Clicks] How are we gonna get out of here? And when are we gonna get our mountain bikes? Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key? No, but the P.



would tear you a new arse.

Wise counsel, William.

But the potty-talk adds nothing.

Aye, sir.

You bath-taking, underpants-wearing lily hugger.

[ Tires Screech ] [ Slurping, Grunting ] Superintendent Chalmers, welcome.

- Hello, Seymour.

- So, what's the word down at One School Board Plaza? We're dropping the geography requirement.

The children weren't testing well.

It was proving to be an embarrassment.

Very good.

Back to the three "R's.

" - Two "R's" come October.

- Hmm.

- What do you think of the banners? - Transparent toadying.

They were the children's idea.

I tried to stop them.

It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour? Yes.

Yes, it is, sir.

Imagine-- a school out there with no bullies.

Science geeks not getting beat up.

Kids using their lunch money for food.

I can't take it! [ Grunts ] Hey, I think I can squeeze through that vent.

- All right.

- All right, Bart.

Do it, man.

[ Grunts ] Now, remember, little dude, you're our only hope.

- [ Grunt ] - [Bart]Ow! - Got 'im! - Way to go, man.

May I interest you in a Jell-O brick, sir? There's a grape in the center.

- Well, I'm not made of stone.

- [ Laughs ] - You're not made of stone.

- [ Chuckles ] A brick and you're not made of stone.

- [ Engine Sputtering ] - Ach, my beauty.

Wait till the superintendent sees you.

Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife.

- [ Loud Kiss ] - Now thar's a lonely man.

[ Gulps ] I'm new in town.

Be there a cool loch where a lass could wash her long, red hair? Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment complex.

There was a rat in the deep end.

- But we got 'im! - Ah, lead on.

Forty-eight, 49, 50.

Flag's up-to-date.

Very good, Seymour.

Now, are these children as smart as they look? Well, let's, uh, pick one at random.

Mmm, how about that one? - You mean this boy here? - No! No.

Lisa Simpson.

- When was the Battle of New Orleans? -January 8, 1 81 5.

Two weeks after the war ended.

- First-rate.

- What's a battle? [ Forced Laughter] Let's go.

- Did that boy say, "What's a battle?" - He said, "What's that rattle?" - About the heating duct.

- Hmm.

It sounded like battle.

- I've had a cold, so, uh-- - Oh, so you would hear "R's" as "B's?" - Yes.

- I understand.

[Engine Sputtering] Come on, Bart.

Ride me.

- I better not.

- [ Imitating Chicken ] He's insulting both of us.

Let's go.

[ Yells ] Excellent.

Not a trace of urine.

Seymour, you run a tight ship.

Well, you know what they say, sir.

"Where there's no smoke, there's no fire.

" What an odd remark.

Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece.

I'll just bend over and get it.

- [ Yelling ] - Seems to be caught - between these two flowers.

- [ Yells ] [ Yells ] Ow, ow, ow.

Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent.

But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway.

- No.

But, sir, he's a drunk.

- And a pill-popper.

- If I could just-- - Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse? - I get two paychecks this way.

- D'oh.

There's no detention this time, Simpson.

This is the end.

You are expelled from Springfield Elementary.

[ Laughing ] [ Maniacal Laughter] Aw.

Tonight on Eye On Springfield, the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.

Where are they now? And we'll visit a nudist camp for animals.

But, first, a look at the local holiday that was called distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies, "Whacking Day.

" - Oh, no, no! - In a tradition that dates back to founding father Jebediah Springfield, every May 1 0, local residents gather to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven.

[ Grunting ] After exposing Alger Hiss Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon goes after another deadly hiss.

Oh! [ Grunts ] - I-Is Whacking Day over? - [Jeering ] Thank you.

Thanks for coming out.

[ Groans ] It's all so barbaric.

Hey, kids, how was school? - I learned how many drams in a pennyweight.

- I got expelled.

That's my boy.

[ Gulping ] Mmm, beer.

What? Look, Dad, I don't need school.

I'll make my way as a bootblack.

Shine your boots, guv'nor? No son of mine is gonna be a 1 9th-century cockney bootblack.

We're gonna find you another school.

Now, remember, Bart.

This is a religious school - so be very careful about what you say and do here.

- No problemo.

Now, Bart, Since you're new here perhaps you'd favor us with a psalm.

How about "Beans, beans, the musical fruit"? Well, uh, beans were a staple of the Israelites.

Yes, proceed.

[ Clears Throat ] Beans, beans, the musical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you toot.

[ Grunts ] [ Humming ] Avert your eyes, children.

He may take on other forms.

I guess that's it.

I just can't be educated.

[ Loud Sigh ] I can always get a job testing dangerous food additives.

We'd like you to try this new diet cola.

- We call it "Nature's Goodness.

" - What's in it? [ Burps ] [ Grunting ] Sweet.

Pleasing taste.

Some "monsterism.

" - Cool.

- You're going to get an education.

- I'm going to teach you myself.

- Marge, it's too late.

The boy's 1 0 years old.

Let's focus our energy on Lisa and the other one.

- What's your problem? - Whacking Day's coming.

Whoo-hoo! The greatest day of the year.

But killing snakes is evil.

Maybe so, Lisa, but it's part of our oh, so human nature.

Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.

[ Singsongy] I am evil Homer.

I am evil Homer.

I am evil Homer.

I am evil Homer.

Have a nice day at school, Lise.

I'll just try and make the best of a bad situation.

[ Grunts ] Ahh.

Bart, get dressed for school.

I expect you to be in your seat when the bell rings.

[ Chuckling ] I bought a bell.

- [ Ringing Shrilly] - [ Both Scream ] I think I'll unplug that.

I'm your new teacher.

My name is Mrs.


[ Chuckles ] [ Forced Chuckle, Groans ] [ Ticking Loudly] - [ Imitates Flatulence ] - [ Blows Raspberry] - I didn't do it.

- [ Groans ] - [Knocking] - Oh, that's right.

I invited a guest speaker to talk to the class.

Hello, children.

I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into D�sseldorf.

[Cabaret] So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer.

[ Cabaret ] Yoo-hoo.

- [ Gasps ] - Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby.

- Is that story true, Grampa? - Well, most of it.

I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s.

- Oh, they had designers then.

- [ Garage Door Opening ] - [ All Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] Look what I got, Marge.

A new whacking stick.

- Whack! - Ooh.

- Excuse me.

- Whack, whack, whack! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of Johnny Tremain.

- It's a book I read as a girl.

- A book? [ Blows Raspberry] I think you might like this.

It's about a boy who goes to war.

- His hand is deformed in an accident.

- Deformed? Why didn't you say so? They should call this book "Johnny Deformed.

" [Cartoon Theme] [Announcer]Guest director, Oliver Stone.

- [ Gunshot ] - [ Man ] Oh, God! Get his gun! [Cartoon Theme] "Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.

A man can stand up.

" Wow! Mm-hmm.

If you'd like to learn more about colonial times we could take a field trip to Olde Springfield Towne.

- [ Both Scream ] - [ Screams ] D'oh! [ Grunting ] Hi-yah! [ Yells ] Dad! Everyone likes Whacking Day, but I hate it.

- Is there something wrong with me? - Yes, honey.

- Then what should I do? -Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time.

Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle.

- Remember that? - Yeah.

- When Daddy hit the referee? Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Any experience? - Yes.

I played Panicky Idiot Number Two in The Poseidon Adventure.

Sorry, we're looking for more of a "duh, duh" idiot.

But-- I see.

- [ Groans ] - Hello, Barney.

Are you playing the town drunk? Actually, I'm supposed to be a governor.

[ Burps ] The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out - the rest would be spared.

- What did they do? - They sent him out.

- Was he killed? And how.

That's why they call it Fort Sensible.

- [Projector Clicks] - This is Jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga.


And here he is killing a snake on the very first Whacking Day in 1775.

Hey, wait a minute.

That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga.

How could he be in two places at once? Uh, um-- You see-- He'll blow the whole deal.

Get him out of here.


- [ Both Gasp ] - If you wanna learn more about Whacking Day there are many fine books in our gift shop.

Welcome to your official Whacking Day headquarters.

I've hidden a snake somewhere in the store.

The first one to whack it, gets a free Squishy.

[People Yelling] - Hey! Hey! - [ Yelling ] I should've put more thought into my promotion.

- Aim for the body, men.

- Right, Chief.

"And the Lord said, "Whackye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies and thy town shall be a beacon unto others.

" So you see, Lisa, even God himself endorses Whacking Day.

- Let me see that.

- Mmm, no.

[Children Singing] Here you go.

Official Whacking Day parking.

Ten dollars per axle.

- Whoo-hoo! - [ Exclaiming ] Take that snake! [ Grunts ] And you too! Snakes, snakes everywhere.

- Getting ready for Whacking Day? - What's Whacking Day? Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes? Beautiful.

Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? Slow, then fast.

[ Both Laugh ] - Uh-oh.

- Dad, please.

For the last time, I beg you.

Don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.

Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions.

Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn? [ Loud Beep ] [ Loud Beep ] And now to open This year's festivities here's our grand marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White.

- Barry White.

- No.

It says here Larry White.

- I know my own name.

- Yeah? Well, we'll see.

[Crowd Cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all.

It's truly an honor to be here at this-- Hey, what is this all about anyway? [ Whispering, Indistinct ] Oh, God, no.

You people make me sick.

- [ Cheering ] - Were they even listening to me? I, uh, don't think so.

And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield.

Gentlemen, start your whacking.

[ Clamoring ] D'oh! [Buzzing] Ew, a bug.

[ Screams ] If the snakes were in here, we could protect them.

Well, according to this, snakes hear by sensing vibrations in the ground.

So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground and play something with a lot of bass those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.

Oh, good idea.

Let's see-- bass, bass.

Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas.

- [ Frustrated Sigh ] - [ Singing R & B ] Mr.

White! Can we borrow you for a minute? Anything for a lady.

[ R & B ] Don't bother the snakes.

Leave all the snakes alone.

Ah, yeah.

My baby.

[ R & B ] [Continues] [Rumbling] - In here.

-[Continues] [ Clamoring ] Hey, where'd all the snakes go? [ Hisses ] People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham.

It was started in 1 924, as an excuse to beat up the Irish.

'Tis true.

I took many a lump.

But 'twas all in good fun.

Now, wait a minute! How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you? I'm an old man.

I hate everything but Matlock.

Ooh, it's on now.


Glick, who killed all those rats in your basement? - A snake did.

- And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White? I love the sexy slither ofa lady snake.

Oh, baby.

[ All ] Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes! Look at this everyone.

Twelve dead snakes.

- [ All Booing ] - I'm sick of you people.

You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads.

- He's right.

- Give us hell, Quimby.

- [Crowd Cheering] - [Man Singing] Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here.

- Thanks, Seymour.

- Ye-- [ Sighs ] Yes.

Um, anyway, as a reward for your studying I've decided to welcome you back to our school.

You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, Jimbo, D-- Oh, dear God! I guess I've always used violence as a way of getting attention.



Me too.

- Oh.

- Aw.

Faster, Willie, faster.

Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues.

- [ Nervous Chuckle ] - [ Chuckles ] What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom.

[ Chuckles ] I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.