The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F14 - Duffless

[Chorus] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

It-- - "Go-Go Ray"? - Allow me to demonstrate.

- [ Crackling ] - [ Grunts ] What the-- [ Laughing ] Aah! Can't stop doing the Monkey.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Groans ] [ Whimpering ] [ Laughing ] I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it! [ Laughing ] First prize! - [Echoing]First prize! First prize! - [ Lisa ] First prize! First prize! First prize! - Why are you saying that? -Just screwin' with your mind.

[ Snickering ] Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.


Syrup is better than jelly.

I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.

The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence? The very same.

I think this tomato could wipe out world hunger.

[ Foreign Accent ] More tomato? - Yes, please.

- Yes, please.

Where's your science fair project, boy? I thought I'd investigate the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs.

[ Coughing ] - [ Sickly Barking ] - Bart! Don't give the dog cigarettes.

[ Yawns ] Well, time to go to work.

[ Thinking ] Little do they know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.

Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00.

That's the plan.

[ Thinking ] Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing.

[ Thinking ] Well, off to the plant then to the Duff Brewery.

[Thinking] Uh-oh.

Did I say that or just think it? I gotta think of a line fast.

Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? - [ Shrieks ] - [Door Opens, Slams Shut] [Crow Squawking] - [ All Murmuring ] - [ Feet Shuffling In Step ] [ Groans ] "If the plant ye wish to flee go to Sector 7-B.

" [ Whimpers ] Aah! [ Hissing ] "To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse.

" Uh.

Thou shalt not-- D'oh! Hey.

That looks like Princess Di.

[ Grunts ] Aw, wait.

It's just a pile of rags.

- [All Chattering] - Oh, Bart.

I forgot my math book.

Would you hold this for me, please? "Soitenly.

" Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! [ Humming ] Whoop.

Shoe's untied.

Over, under, in and out.

That's what shoe tying's all about.

[ Resumes Humming ] [ Continues Humming ] Huh? [ Distorted ] No! - [ All Laughing ] - Bart! [ Belching ] Welcome to the Duff Brewery.

Now, I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors that a batch of Duff was contaminated with strychnine.

- Strychnine? - [ Chattering ] - [ Man ] That's news to me.

Are you sure? Well, everyone's talking about it.

- It was even on CNN last night.

- CNN? - [ Chattering ] - [ Man ] No, I didn't see a thing.

Well, it's not true.

Let's go.

Now, here's one of our favorite Duff beer commercials from the early 1 950s.

Only Duff fills your "Q' zone with pure beer goodness.

So drink up and up and up! [ Blasting Off] [ Announcer] Duff Beer! Proud sponsors of Amos 'N' Andy.


We're proud of all Of our Duff commercials but here's a very special one from 1 960.

Well, I would suggest, Mr.

Vanocur, that, uh if you knew the president, uh, that that was probably just a facetious remark.

[ Announcer] And now a word from our sponsor.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.

[ Studio Audience Cheering ] I'd, uh, also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.

[ Studio Audience Muttering, Hissing ] The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Well, and here we have Duff, Duff Lite and our newest flavor-- Duff Dry.

What does the future hold for Duff? [ Chuckles ] Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve.

- Like what? - Uh-- I'd rather not get into it right now.

- Why not? - All right.

We don't have any ideas for the future.

- We got nothing.

Happy? - No.

[ Crying ] Mom, Bart wrecked my project, and the science fair's in three days.

[ Groans ] Well, I've got an idea.

Why don't you run a hamster through a maze? Help me! Help me! [ Snickering ] - What's so funny? - Oh.

Uh - I was just thinkin' of a joke I saw on Herman's Head.

- [ Groans ] Well, this is the most important man on the tour.

He's in charge of quality control.












Let me just say you're doin' a great job, Phil.

Hey, thanks a lot.

That makes it all worthwhile.

Mmm! Gummi Beer.

Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough.

Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff-- - [ Moans ] - [Thud] - [ Whirring ] - [Footsteps] Barney, give me your keys.

You're too drunk to drive.

- I'm fine! - Okay.

You leave me no option.

[ Grunts ] Ow! What was that for? I'm trying to knock you out.

Ow! Cut it out! - [ Thud ] - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! All right.

Here, take the keys.

- [ Engine Starts ] - [ Tires Screeching ] Look alive, boys.

Couple of stewed prunes headin' your way.

- [ Sirens Wailing ] - Gulp! [ Singing ] - Flawless.

- We also would've accepted "Tell me what you think of me.

" - Well, I guess you're free to-- - Give him the Breathalyzer! - Huh? - [ Buzzing ] - You're under arrest.

- D'oh! Think you can get this car home? Sure thing, giant beer.

[ Engine Starts ] Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mother of Mercy! [ Laughing ] Hey! This is kinda fun.

Whee! [ Laughing ] Whee! Ow! - [ Ringing ] - Hello? Uh, yeah, Mrs.

Simpson, I have some bad news.

Your husband was found D.



- Oh, my God! He's dead? - Oh, wait.

I mean D.



[ Chuckling ] I always get those two mixed up.

My name's Mrs.


You said my husband is D.



Uh-- Why don't you talk to that officer over there? - I'm goin' out to lunch.

- [ Footsteps Scurrying ] Don't worry, Homer.

I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here.

Surprise witnesses-- each more surprising than the last.

I tell you-- the judge won't know what hit him.

- [ Yelps ] - Pipe down in there, Hutz! Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alch-Anon meetings.

Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.


It doesn't get any better than this.

I want the most intelligent Hamster you've got.

- Okay.

Uh-- - [ All Squealing ] this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J.


Mac Gregor.

How can a hamster write mysteries? Well, he gets the ending first.

Then he works backward.

- Aw, come on.

- Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him.

Have a good day at work, honey.

[ Taunting ] Ha ha! Stupid bicycle.

Can't believe this.

No-good, rotten-- - [ Rings ] - [ Chuckling ] I guess it's not all bad.

[ Thinking ] I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is my brother dumber than a hamster? Hey, Lise, Look what I can do.

[ Grunting, Muffled ] Doggone it.

[ Sniffing ] Ah! Remarkable.

Stupid books.

Hey! A cupcake.

[ Straining ] Uh-huh.

Aah! [ Grunts ] Hamster: one.

Bart: zero.

[Lisa] Experiment two.

The food is connected to a mild electrical current.

[ Current Buzzes ] The hamster has learned a valuable lesson-- beware the hand of man.

[Whistling] - [ Current Buzzes ] - Oh! A wise guy, eh? - [ Buzzes ] - [ Whining ] - [ Buzzing ] - Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Chuckling ] Hamster: two.

Bart: zero.

Now, if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again this film will scare the pants off of ya.

- Aah! - Guys, guys! This is the wrong movie.

Oh, wait a second.

I do something really funny here.

- [ Whimpers ] - [ Laughing ] [ Sighs ] [ Beep ] What a terrible waste.

Hi! I'm actor Troy McClure.

You might remember me from such driver's ed films as Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass and The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.

For the next 60 minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of car-crash victims.

[Film Sound Track: Madcap] - [Tires Screeching] - [Cars Crashing] [Continues] [Car Crashes] [ Gagging ] - [ Gulps ] - [Car Crashes] [Troy] Here's an appealing fellow.

In fact, they're a-peeling him Off the sidewalk.

[ Laughing ] It's funny 'cause I don't know him.

I'm here for the Alch-Anon meeting.


Third door on your left.

- Coping with Senility? - No! I'm here for Microwave Cookery.

No, wait.

Coping with Senility.

[ Scraping ] - My name is Ned.

- [ Crowd ] Hello, Ned! - My name is Ned.

- [ Crowd ] Hello, Ned! It's been 4,000 days since my last drink.

It was my first-- and last-- blackberry schnapps.

Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? - [ Chuckles ] Ann Landers is a boring old biddy.

- [ Gasps ] Ned! I was more animal than man! [ Sobbing ] My name is Otto.

I love to get blotto.

- [Chair Scrapes] - My name is Hans.

Drinking has ruined my life.

I'm 31 years old.

My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

[ Shrieks ] [ Brushing Teeth, Spits ] So they say I might have a problem.

[ Scoffs ] Homie, do you ever drink alone? - Does the Lord count as a person? - No.

- Then, yes.

- [Groans] - Do you need a beer to fall asleep? - Thank you.

That'd be nice.

Do you ever hide beer around the house? Do I ever! Ah! - [Pop-top Fizzes] - Do you ever drink to escape from reality? [ Humming Cancan ] - Homie.

I'd like you to do something for me.

- You name it.

I want you to give up beer for a month.

You got it.

No deer for a month.

Did you say "beer" or "deer"? - Deer.

- Please, Homie.

I know you can do this.

All right.

Starting tomorrow, no beer for a month.

- [Pop-top Fizzes] - What was that noise? I was saying, "Psst! I love you.

'" - Bart, could you go get the cupcakes? - Cupcakes! Cupcakes! Yes.

Sweet cakes for all.

[ Whimpering ] Well, beer, we've had some great times.

[Homer Singing Nostalgic Ballad] [ Stops Singing ] [ Sniffles ] Huh? She'll pay for this.

I'm gonna crush her like this pellet.

- [ Current Buzzing ] - Ow! Ow! Ow! - [Buzzing Continues] - Ow! Ow! [ Gasps, Whimpering ] - Looking for something? - What have you done with my report? I've hidden it.

To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish-- - Got it.

- D'oh! Behold gravity in all its glory! Pretty lame, Milhouse.

- Can I touch it? - I've worked too long and hard on this for you to screw it up now.

- But it's got my name on it.

-Just stand over there.

Over there! Behold the flying machine that will carry me Phileas Fogg, around the world in 80 days.

- [Gunshot] - [ Air Hissing ] Dang! I was aimin' for his head.

[ Thinking ] Don't think about beer.

Hmm? Alcohol-fueled car? One for you, one for me.

[ Gulps ] One for you, one for me.

[ Gasping ] I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.

Please, Mother.

It's purely in the interest of science.

[ Thinking ] That'll learn him to bust my "tomater.

" [Cheering, Applause] [ Gasps ] [Bart] Step right up, folks! We'll answer the question that has been plaguing scientists for ages: Can hamsters fly planes? -[Crowd Murmuring Adoringly] -[Man]Oh, look.

He's got miniature goggles on.

- Aw.

And a little scarf.

Isn't that adorable! - Oh! But this project has no scientific merit! - Take a hike, sister.

- Sour grapes.

Lisa, every good scientist is half B.


Skinner and half P.



I don't think I need to see the other exhibits.

- First prize! - [Applause, Cheering] [Sighs] One down, 29 to go.

[ TV: Women Chanting ] Down with sexism! Down with sexism! - Look at all those feminists.

- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? [ All Giggling ] - Yeah! - Yeah! All right! - [ Laughing ] - All right! TV, have you turned on me too? [Organ] [ Radio Announcer] The windup and the 2-2 pitch.

Oh, no, sir.

Wait a minute.

The batter is calling for time.

Looks like he's goin' and gettin' himself a new bat.

And now there's a beach ball on the field and the ball boys are discussin' which one of them's gonna go get it.

I never realized how boring this game is.

I think I've lost weight.

You've never looked better.

[Patty] Thank you all for coming.

We've got some very interesting developments in the field of Supperware.


This is the 1 28-ounce tub.

You can fit your whole head in it.

[ Loud Squeak] - [ Shrieks ] - [ Echoing ] Don't be scared, JubJub.

It's Mama.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.

There's no judgment here.

The other day, I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.

- [ All Gasp ] - I cast thee out! Don't think about beer.

Don't think about beer.

Don't think about beer.

[Yelps] - [ Yelps ] - [Train Whistle Blowing] - [Bell Clanging] - [Wheels Clattering In Rhythm] - [ Whimpering ] - [Male Voice]Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

Chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug, chugalug.

[ Shrieks ] [ Groans, Gasps ] No! - Thirty days.

- I'm proud of you, Homie.

Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's.

Send the kids to the neighbors.

I'm comin' back loaded.

- [ Kiss ] - [ Groans ] You don't have to start drinking right away.

I was thinking we could go for a bike ride.

But, Marge, the barflies are expecting me-- Moe and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill.

But you look better.

You don't sweat while you eat anymore.

And look.

You've saved more than a hundred dollars.

- I found it in your pants.

- Yoink! - [Door Slams] - [ Groans ] -[Door Opens] - [ Panting ] Well, well.

Look who it is-- Mr.

"I Don't Need Alcohol to Enjoy Life.

" - We hate 'im, right, fellas? - [ All Muttering ] - Moe, gimme a beer.

- Hey, everybody! Homer's back.

[ All Muttering ] [ Slurps ] [ Belches ] Come on, Homer.

Do it for your old pal, Moesy.

But, Moe, yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- - Pipe down, rub-a-dub! - Ow.

Put it in the fridge, Moe.

I've got a date with my wife.

- [Door Swinging] - You'll be back! And so will you and you and you.

Of course I'll be back.

If you didn't close, I'd never leave.

[Homer Singing Pop Ballad] [ Singing Pop Ballad ] [ Vocalizing Together] [ Continue Vocalizing ] [Man Singing Pop Ballad] [Man Resumes Singing] [Song Ends] [Bicycle Bell Rings] [Homer Chuckling]