The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F12 - Brother From the Same Planet

[Chorus] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Exhales ] Eye of the tiger, Bart.

Eye of the-- [ Grunts ] - I stopped it.

- And I hurt somebody.


[ Blows Whistle ] Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp.

Let's all congratulate Nelson! - [Scattered Clapping] - Thanks, Dad! Told ya.

[Car Approaching] - [ Tires Screech ] - Come on, Bart.

We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie.

It's called Barton Fink.

I can't.

I told my dad I'd wait for him.

Barton Fink! Barton Fink! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'.

- Remember, pick up Bart.

- I'm on my way.

[ Applause On TV] - [Door Closes] - [ Chuckling ] What'd you say, Marge? - [Thunder Rumbling] - [ Moans ] That could be Dad.

Station wagon.

Luggage rack.

[ Singing Pop ] [Singing Stops] [Thunderclap] Wha-- [ Grunts ] Dad, where are you? [ Announcer] Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares? [ Shivering ] This isn't funny! Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson.

Pick up Bart.

Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip.

" "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room! [TV Announcer] After 16gloriousseasons the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr.


I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.

[Crowd On TV] Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart.


Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.

- Bart.

- [ Belching ] Bart.

I can't think with all this noise.

What am I supposed to do? [ Thinking ] Pick up Bart.

Pick up Bart.

"Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"? [ Snoring ] [ Tires Screech ] Bart? Bart! [ Gasps ] Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! - [Ned]Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle.

- Shutup, Flanders.

Hey, boy, how was soccer practice? [ Air Hissing ] [Tires Screeching] Hey, Bart.

Son? Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry.


I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too.

I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home.

But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that.

[ Scary Voice ] Now, how 'bout a hug? - [Krusty On TV]Hello, New York.

- [Audience Cheering] When Lorne asked me to host this show I said, "Lorne, why me?" [ Laughing ] I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! [ Man Coughing ] Anyway, we got a great show for you.

Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump.

[ Sighs ] We'll be right back.

[ Blues ] I miss Joe Piscopo.

- [ Man ] Lost your dad? - Uh-huh.

- He's not coming back, is he? - He might.

No, he's not.

But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.

Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father.

[ Announcer] And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home.

Oh, I got wax in my ears.

Better clean 'em.

- Hah? Hah? - [ Man In Audience Coughing ] [ Groans ] This goes on for 1 2 more minutes.

So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? Yeah.

He left me out on the curb for the ashman.

What a revoltin' development.

You brave little soldier.

I've been saving someone special for a case like yours.

[ Tires Screech ] [ Gasping ] - Bart Simpson? - Yo.

I'm Tom.

Let's ride.


Bart's dad has really pulled himself together.

- Bart's not mad at me.

- He called you a bad father.

Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good.

" And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt.

- Permit me to demonstrate.

- No! I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord! Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club.

The first nine were only a penny.

Then they jacked up the price! [ Crying ] It's not fair.

It's not fair, I tells ya.

No, no.

Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the "Corey Hotline.

" - Wasn't me.

- [ Gasps ] Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did.

- Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, honey, I know what you're going through.

When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.

The point is I want you to stop making these calls.

All right, Mom.

I promise you will never be billed for another call.

[ Giggling ] Bobby Sherman.

[ Groans ] - ["Charge'"] - [ Chattering ] [ All ] Charge! - Your dad ever take you to baseball games? - Nah.

His game was blackjack.

He bet our life savings on a single hand.

- Nineteen.

- Hit me.

- Twenty.

- Hit me.

- Twenty-one.

- Hit me.

- Twenty-two.

- D'oh! If I ever meet your dad-- [Man On P.


] The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party.

- [Crowd Jeering] - Boo! [ Sighs ] This is better than dart day.

Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes.

If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book.

Here's a good one-- "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons.

" [ Chuckles ] [ Man ] Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4.

95 a minute.

Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- - [ Sighs ] - allegory, Montessori.

[ Straining ] Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads.

[ Slurping ] This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.

That's not meatball soup.

That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid.

You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot like my hero, Tom.

He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

[ Whirring ] Hey-- [ Grunting ] He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while.

Very good, Bart.

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.


Milhouse, you're next.

Uh, I have a horsie.

[ Imitates Neighing ] Wuss! [Grampa] Lisa, I'm glad you came.

I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun but we'll show 'em.

We'll show 'em all! [ Laughing ] [ Snoring ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Dialing, Ringing ] Hi, this is Corey.

I hope you and I can get married someday.

Hey, boy, where're you going? - Father-son picnic.

- Have a good time.

- [Door Slamming] - Hey-- Wait a minute.

Lisa, I know I can trust you - to inventory this glee club peanut brittle.

- Yes, Principal Skinner.

Now, I gotta slash So long [ Mumbles ] science.

- Ah, music and art.

- [ Beeping ] - What in blazes? - [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Rings ] - Good Lord! That's a 900 number.

[ Corey] Let's see what's in the newspaper today.

- [ Paper Rustling ] - Hmm.

Canada stalls on trade pact.

- [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] Hey, look at that forest fire down there.

- Yeah, great.

- What's the matter? Well, I've been thinking, you've been really great to me but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more.

Bart, I could kiss you if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't.

No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing.

Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand.

So, that's it! [ Engine Whirring, Tires Screeching ] Hello, son.

- Where have you been? - Playing with Milhouse.

No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? - Look at me! - Dad, it just kind of happened.

You're taking this too hard.

How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart.

Have your fun.

I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry.

- I can't do it! - Well, what are you gonna do? [ Gulps ] Oh-ho.

You'll see.

And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? [ Thinking ] Don't say revenge.

Don't say revenge.

Uh, revenge? [ Thinking ] That's it.

I'm gettin' out of here.

[ Footsteps Departing, Door Slamming ] Welcome aboard, Mr.


Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you.




Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake.

Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay.

I'll be back in an hour.

[Door Closes] [ Whimpering, Sniffing ] I'll take him.

Do you have him in blond? Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time.

If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line you'll know you've beaten it forever.

-[Lisa] Midnight? - Listen to your mother, Lisa.

I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye and swift hand.

Oh, there's Mother now-- - [Crow Cawing] - watching me.

What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here.

It's school business.

I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! - [ Groans ] I think we should go.

- Uh-huh.

[Sirens Blaring In Distance] [ Snoring ] [ Chuckling ] just like Oscar the Grouch.

- Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better - starting now.

- Ow.

Your son Bart sounds very bad.

Oh, he is.

Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.

Shut up! Mmm.


[ Slurps ] I just press this button and the door opens like magic.

- Why does it stop there? - Because it's a stupid piece of junk! [ Shouting ] Well, I'd better Get you home.

- What's the matter? - I've spent every night of my life in the city.

I have never seen the stars.

Tell me more.

I want to know all the constellations.

Well, there's jerry the cowboy.

And that big dipper looking thing is Alan the cowboy.

Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned.

[ Laughs ] "Learnd," son.

It's pronounced "learnd.

" I love you, Papa Homer.

I love you too, Pepsi.

- Pepi.

- Pepi.

[ Thinking ] Gotta make it till midnight.

Gotta make it till midnight.

[ Ringing ] - [ Ticking ] - [ Needles Clicking ] [Noises Intensify] Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me.

Oh, come on.

Hurry! Lisa? Oh, Lisa.

You tried your best.

[ Operator] At the tone, the time will be [ Beeps ] I made it.

[ Theme ] [ Groaning ] [ Screams ] [ Growling ] Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? - I gave it to Pepi.

- Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother.

That's right.

You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization.

Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were.

Come on, Bart.

We had our fun.

Remember when I used to push you on the swing? I was fakin' it.

- [ Gasps ] Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad.


- "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad.

" - Hey, stop that.

- "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" - Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, the whale is not really a fish.

They're mammals, like you and me.

- Is that true? - [ Snorts ] No.

[Dolphin Twittering] - Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it.

- [ Twitters ] Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it.

Whoo! [ Laughing ] Stupid dolphin.

- [ Chirps ] - You g-- Hey! Hey! [ Grunting ] - [ Twittering ] - [ Grunts ] He got my hot dog! - [Grunting] - Uh-oh.

Better not let him see me.

What the-- Oh, it's you.

[ Clicks Tongue ] So, you're looking well.

Come on, Bart.

You know better than to talk to strangers.

For your information, I'm his father.

His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right.

And who might you be? [ Grunts ] Hi-yah! [ Shouting ] Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas.

D'oh! - Look! There's another disadvantaged boy.

- Where? [Grunting] There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.

They still sell those frozen bananas? - I think so.

- Let's roll.

This just in.

A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield.

Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.

Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh.

A bunch of drunken frat boys.

All right.

I could use some names.




L-- [ Groans ] [Blow Landing] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunting ] [ Shouting ] [Glass Shattering] [Homer Groaning] - Uh, Homer? - [ Grunting ] Oh, right.

[Grunts] [ Both Grunting, Shouting ] [Yelling] - [ Bones Cracking ] - This is even more painful than it looks.

This is all my fault, Dad.

I didn't want you to get hurt.

Now I need to find another little brother.

And I need to find another big brother.

My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home.

And me, I have no ride at all.

I already bought a giant ham for dinner.

It's gonna go to waste.

Don't talk about food.

I'm so hungry.

- Well, good-bye.

- Well, good-bye.


I've got an idea.

- An idea? - Huh? - Another beer, Dad? - Thanks, son.

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? [ Chuckling ] Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy.

First, you gotta shriek like a woman.

And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust.

That's when it's time to kick some back.

-And then when he's lying out on the ground-- - Yeah? - Kick him in the ribs.

- Yeah? -Step on his neck.

- Yeah? -And run like hell.

-[Both Laughing] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!