The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F11 - Selma's Choice

[Chorus] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Revving ] -[Crowd Gasps] - Hey! Hey-- - [ Groans ] - [Man]Hey, Lance Murdock you just jumped What are you going to do now? [ Straining ] I'm goin' to Duff Gardens! [Announcer] Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash! [Man #2] To be completed in 1994.

[ Groaning, Screams ] [ Shrieking ] [Announcer Continues] And the Washing Machine! [ Gurgling, Choking ] [ All ] Wow! See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous Beerquarium! [ Thump ] [ Thump ] [ Moaning ] [ Belches ] Bart, warm up the car.

We're going to Duff Gardens! [ Bart, Lisa ] Yea! Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? [ Bart, Lisa ] "We're under six.

" And I'm a college student.

Heh, heh! Kids, I have some bad news.

Your Great-Aunt Gladys has passed on.



'Bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead? No, honey.

Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

[ Shudders ] Oh, yeah.

There she is.

The funeral's in Littleneck Falls.

Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.

- We understand.

- No use complainin' about something you can't change.

[ Whining ] But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now! - Oh, Homer, quit pouting.

- [ Whining ] I'm not pouting.

I'm mourning.

Stupid dead woman.

[ Singing Children's Song ] - [ Continue Singing ] - If you don't mind! We're on our way to a funeral.

[ Sings Macabre Song ] - [ Singing ] - [ Singing ] Homer! - [ Engine Stops ] - [ Door Opens, Closes ] Patty, Selma, I'm sorry.

Mm! He's hugging us.

What do we do? just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

[ Straining, Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] - Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me.

Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.

[ Muffled Whimpering ] I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone.

Her legend will live forever.

[ Thinking ] Yeah.

The legend of the dog-faced woman.

[ Laughing ] Legend of the dog-faced woman.

- Oh, that's good! - Homer! That's very rude of you.

- What? D'oh! - Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

[ Buzzing ] [ Tires Screech ] [Utensil Clatters] [ Slurping ] All right.

I'm almost there.

It-- Ohh! - Another place mat, sir? - Please.

While we're waiting for our pie let's take a minute to remember Great-Aunt Gladys.

Wait a minute.

That was Prince of Tides.

Five, six seven, eight.

- What are you kids playing? - Counting game.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Nine [Minister]He was a good man.

He was a kind man.

He gave to his community - and asked little in return.

- [Footsteps] - He never-- - [ Whispering, Indistinct ] That's a woman? Dear Lord! [ Embarrassed Chuckle ] Well, I guess most of what I said can be salvaged.

Take a seat, bozo.

And that eulogy better not show up on the bill.

I'll keep this short.

Gladys lived alone, died alone.

I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me.

- She wasn't a rich woman-- - [ People Muttering ] but she was rich in spirit.

Forgot my hat.

Don't hassle the dead, boy.

They have eerie powers.

- [ Scoffs ] - [ Thinking] I thought this thing was gonna be catered.

Boy, am I hungry.

I mean I'm really, really hungry.

It's just not fair, damn it! [ Sobbing ] [ Comforting Sigh ] Good-bye, Great-Aunt Gladys.

I wish I'd made more of an effort to get to know you these last few years.

[Throaty Voice] Don't worry about it.

[ Screaming ] [ Laughing ] - [Door Opens] - I'm Lionel Hutz executor of Ms.

Bouvier's estate.

She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button.

Pretty sweet, hey? I would like to start by reading a passage from Robert Frost.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and--" - [ Tape Squealing On Fast-forward ] - Homer! All in favor of skipping the poem.

- Thank you.

- [ Tape Squealing ] "And that has made all the difference.

" Now let's get down to business.

[Hutz's Voice] To my executor, Lionel Hutz I leave $50,000.


Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works.

You really would.

To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips that resemble celebrities.

They're all here-- Otto von Bismarck Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno.

These chips were my children, Marjorie.

- Take special care of them.

- [ Crunching ] Uh-oh.

To my sister, Jackie, I leave my pet iguana, JubJub.

Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her? To my dear childless nieces, Patty and Selma I leave my grandfather clock and these words: Don't die lonely like me.

Raise a family, and do it now.

[Echoing] Now! Now! Now! Hey, a grandfather clock.

Not bad.

[Chiming, Ticking] - [Snoring] - Aunt Gladys was right.

There's something missing in our lives.

Don't worry.

We'll get that "barking dog" record tomorrow.

Patty, I want a baby.

[ Rattling ] - What do I do here? -Just tell us about yourself.

Well, I wanna have a baby before it's too late.

You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys.

Come and get it.

[ Imitates Tiger Snarl ] - [ Scottish Accent ] Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.

- [Cassette Clatters] [Gypsy Accent] One drop of this love potion and you will have any man you desire.

Really? What are the magical ingredients? [ Without Accent ] Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol.

You'll be lucky if it doesn't Make your hair fall out actually.

Oh! - [Cash Register Clicking] - [ Beeps ] - [ Squeaky, Breaking Voice ] Paper or plastic? - You decide.

So, wearing a belt, are ya? - Yep.

- No suspenders for you.

I guess not.

Orange is really your color.

- They make us wear this.

- Shall we continue this conversation over dinner? Uh, I'm not allowed to date customers.

- It's store policy.

- No, it isn't.

Ow! - Shut up, Arnold.

- No.

Go for it, man.

"R," "Q," "G.

" - [Pointer Tapping] - Question mark.

Smiley face.


Wait a minute.

It says here you're single.

Did I do wrong? - [Romantic Violin] - Cold biscuits chicken yellow mailman.

- You're reading the wine list, sir.

- Very good.

I don't know how to thank you for dinner.

Use your imagination.

Mmm! [ Children Whimpering, Grunting ] - Aah! - [Thump] Ew! Get outta my car.

This isn't my house.

- [ Announcer] Come to Duff Gardens - [ Riders Shrieking ] where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore.

Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds of Hooray For Everything.

- [ All ] Hey, kids! Take a walk on the wild side! - [ Singing Pop ] [ Vocalizing ] Yeah! Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend? Sure.

Unless another aunt dies.

- [Door Slams] - Selma, your date's over already? Yeah.

I was so depressed.

I ate ajar of expired olives.

[ Sighs ] I guess I'll never have a baby.

Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous but have you ever considered artificial insemination? [ Wheezing Laugh ] Boy, I don't know.

You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

- [ Whispering, Indistinct ] - I knew that.

How do I know I'm getting quality? Don't worry.

Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process.

All done! - Thank you.

- Always a pleasure.

- What a beautiful little girl.

- [ Loud Belch ] [ Babies Belching ] [Belching Continues, Echoing] [Marge] "101 Frozen Pops.

" A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh! One of the Sweathogs.

I checked.

It's not Horshack.

- Oh.

Are you sure you wanna have a baby this way? - Yeah.

You've had some pretty bad experiences ordering out of catalogs.

Remember that mail order husband? [Knocking] Ooh! You look just like your picture.


My mind's made up.

I wanna have a kid, and this is the only way I can do it.

Why do you wanna have a baby so bad? I got a lotta love to give and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio.

- [ Static ] - [ Man Speaking Foreign Language ] - Are you sure you've thought this through? - [ Slurping ] A child can really Change your life.

- You'll have to give up smoking.

- I'll chew.

- No man will want you.

- All I got now is sperm in a cup.

- [ Groaning ] - [ Groaning ] - [Footsteps Running] - Come on! Come on! Time to get up! - [Footsteps Running] - Come on! Come on! Time to get up! - We wanna go to Duff Gardens! - [Lisa] Time to go to Duff Gardens! Oh, great.

Dad's dead.

[ Groaning ] [ Gasps ] Have you been eating that sandwich again? Sandwich.

Geez, we hardly made a dent in that 1 0-foot hoagie.

Well, I'll give it a good home.

Mm! You've been eating that thing for a week.

I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.

Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.

Homer, I found this behind the radiator.

I really think you should throw it away.

Suggestion noted.

Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.

Are you going to eat it? Yes.

- [ Groaning ] - You look terrible.

I don't care.

I'm going to Duff Gardens.

[Body Thuds On Floor] S-S-So cold! Your lips are turning blue.

I think you better stay home.

No! Duff Gardens.

- Hurrah! - [ Horn Honking ] We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.

We'll have fun, won't we, kids? To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.

That's the spirit.

See ya tonight.

- Good-bye, Dad.

Don't eat any solids.

- But I love solids.

- Won't be any fun without ya, Dad.

- [ Engine Starts ] [ Bart, Lisa, ] Yea! This is all your fault! It-- Oh, how can I stay mad at you? - Mm! - [ Whimpers ] - There it is! - The Duff Beeramid.

"The Beeramid contains so much aluminum "it would take five men to lift it.

Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction.

" [ Scoffs ] Plenty more where that came from.

[ People Chattering ] - [Children Cheering] - [ Gasps ] Look! It's the Seven Duffs! [Bart] There's Tipsy, and there's Queasy.

[Lisa] There's Surly and Remorseful! Hey! Take a picture.

It'll last longer.

Get outta here.

[ Mechanism Humming ] Fourscore and seven years ago we took the finest hops and barley to brew a refreshing, full-bodied lager.

Ahh! [ Imitating Hip-hop Beat ] [ Rapping ] [ Ends Rapping ] [ Imitating Hip-hop Beat ] - This is a disgrace.

- Settle down.

Anything this bad has to be educational.

Bart! Let's see if they wore underwear back then.

- Yeah! - [ Electricity Crackling ] - Do you feel any better? - No.

- [ Slurping ] - What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1 ,000-to-1 .

Well, to cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos.

"Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl.

" - Yentl? What's that? - It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts to enter rabbinical school.

- Sounds great! - Oh, my God! You're delirious.


"Beer goggles.

See the world through the eyes of a drunk!" Wow! [ Sultry Voice ] You're charming the pants off of me.

- What did you say, Aunt Selma? - I said take off those damn glasses! Oh! This looks like fun.

A bench.

Kids, what do ya say you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie? - A beer smoothie? Not again.

- We gotta go.

- We got more stuff to do.

- You've already had four of 'em.

[ Chattering ] [ Growling Sigh ] Hey, man, if the line's this long, it's gotta be good.

Get bent.

[Man In Movie] What's going on here? Oh, Yentl.

I might have known.

That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva.


Well, you've cooled down.

That's what you think.

[ Imitates Tiger Growl ] [ Chuckling ] You know, I rented another tape in case you felt better.

"The Erotic Adventures of Hercules.

" - With Norman Fell as Zeus.

- Whoo-hoo! [ Animatronic Dolls Singing Repetitious Theme ] [ Continue Singing ] - I wanna get off!.

- You can't get off.

We have five more continents to visit.

Hey, Lise, I dareya to drink the water.

I'm not sure that is water.


[ Clucking ] - Quit it, Bart.

Quit it! - [ Continues Clucking ] - Quit it! Quit it! - Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water! [ Groaning ] [Dolls Singing] [Song Echoing] They're all around me! No way out! [ Hysterical Laugh ] - No way out, I tell you! - What's wrong? Now, you just Put your head right here.

[ Growling ] Aaaaah! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! - Hercules! The Cyclops tore off my clothes.

- [ Laughing ] [ Marge, Homer Giggling ] - [Dolls Singing] - [ Gibbering ] [Singing Continues] Bart! Lisa! [Festive] Ahh! Ahh! [ Humming ] Ahh! I can see the music.

Mitch, you're doin' a bang-up job.

[ Squeaky, Breaking Voice ] Thank you, sir.

[ Laughing ] Whoa.

That isn't good.

[ Screaming ] Stop the ride! I'll have to ask my supervisor.

- Better stop it.

- [ Ride Stops ] - Can't you do something? - Hey.

Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly.

- Hmm.

Sorry, Surly.

- Shut up.

- [ No Audible Dialogue ] - [Selma]Don't blame these kids.

[ Sighs ] It's not their fault.

I think their father is missing a chromosome.

Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy hoodlums made off with three bumper cars! - [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ All Laughing ] [ Bumping ] And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.

[Jabbering ] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

I am the Lizard Queen! Give her this and this - [ Teeth Chattering ] - and then these.

- Oh, thank you, Doctor.

- Oh, I'm not a doctor.

Come to Homercles! [ Giggling ] I can't.

The beans will burn.

Homercles cares not for beans.

- [ Grunts ] - Oh! Hi, kids.

How was Duff Gardens? Can't talk.

Comin' down.

[ Groans ] How do you do it, Homer? You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this-- No.

I mean raising kids.

I just couldn't cut it today.

All I wanted was a little version of me that I could hold in my arms.

Oh, JubJub.

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

Shh! [ Singing Pop Ballad ] [ Continues Singing ] [ Finishes Singing ] [Woman Singing Pop Ballad] [Woman Singing Pop Ballad] [Continues] [Ends] [Selma] Oh, yeah! - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!