The Simpsons Episode Scripts

9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass

[Chorus] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [Man] COPS: In Springfield.

- [Reggae] - [ Screaming ] All right, boys, time to bag us a cattle rustler.

What in God's name Are you doing? Isn't this No, that's next door.

[ Mooing ] Close, but no doughnut, cops.

This is Papa Bear.

Put out an A.



for a male suspect driving a car of some sort heading in the direction of, uh you know, that place that sells chili.

Suspect is hatless.

Repeat, hatless.

Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed.

It's not good for your heart.

My heart is just f-- [ Gasps, Groans ] - Homie, what is it? -Just workin' the turkey through.

There it goes! Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night.

Do you wanna see the victims? - Hmm, okay.

- Yaah! - Bart, that's gross! - You're right.

Let's bury them at sea.

Bleah! - Da-a-d! - [ Gasping ] - What's wrong? - You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now.

Ooh! Bacon! Homer, I prepared a special Surprise just for you.

It could only be one thing.

Psst! The best meat's in the rump.

- Here you go.

- What the hell is this? - Nice, healthy oatmeal.

- Ooh, oatmeal.

What a delightful treat.

Oh, there's a bug in it.

- No, there isn't.

- Trust me.

Dad, there's a bug on that.


[ Horn Honking ] Come on, come on! - Oh, dear.

Now you've done it.

- [Banging] [ Growling ] [Heart Beating] [ Horn Honking ] I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

[Heart Beating: Irregular] It's your heart.

And I think it's on its last thump.

Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission.

Hey, where's he goin'? Billy, remember that old Plymouth We just couldn't fix? - We're gonna sell him to Mr.

Nikapopolus? - You're a dull boy, Billy.

Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time! That's right.

Keep eating.

Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut.

[ Chuckling ] There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir.

I discussed this with our lawyers.

They consider it murder.

Damn their oily hides! [ Snoring ] Bring him to me! - [ Beating Rapidly] - [Mr.

Burns]Relax, Simpson.

I just brought you in here for a friendly hello.

- [ Sighs ] - [ Beating Slows ] And good-bye! You're fired! - [ Gasps ] - But wait.

Perhaps I'm being Too hasty.

- You are highly skilled - [ Sighs ] - at goofing off!.

- [ Groans ] Now, don't worry, Homer.

You're the kind of guy I could really dig - a grave for! - [ Gasps ] Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible! [ Gasping, Screaming ] - [Thud] - Hmm? Mr.

Burns, I think he's dead.

Oh, dear.

Send a ham to his widow.



No, wait.

He's alive.

- Oh, good.

Cancel the ham.

- D'oh! [ Siren Wailing ] - Wow, look at that.

How do they know to cross there? - [ Groaning ] He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked.

Hey, look.

I can fit my entire fist in here.

[ Muffled ] Hey, hey, hey.

Cut it out.

- What's that, Chief? - Cut it out.

[Reggae] Ooh.

Buy three tubes of Mr.

Blister - get one free.

- [Phone Ringing] Hello.


Oh, dear Lord! Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart! - [Door Shuts] - Oh, my God.

- What? - Five cents off wax paper.

- Clear! - [ Groans ] [ Steady Beep ] - [ Beep Continues ] - More.

[ Groaning ] Thank you.

Oh, Homie, I was so frightened! Marge, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

Ah, little Homer.

How'd he get that? [ Angelic Singing ] What a voice.

Young Homer is going to make me a millionaire.

[ Voice Cracks, Deepens ] Hey, my voice just changed.

[ Singing Tunelessly] Dagnabbit! Mr.

Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack.

But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.

Oh, no.

Quite the opposite.

It's made you weak as a kitten.

[ Chuckles ] - Look! - Hey, come on.

Quit it.

- Coochy coochy coo! - Stop.

Please stop.

Oh, you swing like a girl.

Come on, now.

- Please have mercy.

- Got your nose.

- [ Chuckling ] - Not funny.

How 'bout this little bee? [ Buzzing ] No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

- Can't you do something for him? - Well, we can't fix his heart but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.

What an age we live in! Now, what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected flowing through your husband's circulatory system.

But, Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! - Good Lord.

- Hi.

Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test.

I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop.

Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes.

Nurse, cancel my 1 :00.

Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

- Say it in English, Doc.

- You're going to need open-heart surgery.

Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo.

We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

- Could you dumb it down a shade? - Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.


I must warn you though.

This procedure will cost you upwards of $30,000.

- [Homer Gasps, Cries Out] - [Thud] [Dr.

Hibbert] I'm afraid it's now 40,000.

Okay, Okay.

We need $40,000.

Now, how much do we have in the checkbook? - Seventy dollars.

- Hmm.

Have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet? No.

Don't you have health insurance at work? Well, actually, we gave it all up for a pinball machine in the lounge.

- D'oh! - Don't worry, Marge.

America's health care system is second only to Japan Canada, Sweden, Great Britain-- well, all of Europe.

But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

[ Sobbing ] [ Electricity Crackling ] Now, before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.

Questions? Questions? Oh! My whole scheme down the-- I mean, ask away.

Oh, good.

Now, under "heart attacks," you crossed out "3" and wrote "0.

" Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages.

" Uh-huh.

And, uh, do you drink? I do enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas.

All right.

Here's your policy.

Now let me tell you something, Mr.


I just-- Oh, hold on there.

Uh, you still have to sign it.


I-- [ Gasps ] Must sign policy! Sir, I'm sorry.

We can't insure you.

- I made an "H.

" - No, that doesn't count.

It's like an "X.

" [ Groans ] Hey, we'd better get you to a hospital.

- Can I have a free calendar? - Okay.

- Clear! - [ Groaning ] Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone.

And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt.


Simpson, you must get that operation as soon as possible.

I can't afford it.

Maybe I should buy one of those machines.

[ Groaning ] Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian.

In fact, when you're up there "blah, blah, blah-ing," I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners.

Well, anyhoo, can I have $40,000? Now, I know I haven't been the best Jew but I rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it.

- Anyway, can I have $40,000? - Hmm? Now, I know I haven't been the best-- Oh, forget it.

- Honey, did you have any luck? - No, but the rabbi gave me this.

- What is it, Dad? - Son, they call it a "droodle.

" Whoo-hoo! Look at it go! Hi, everybody! Are you looking for a way to slash the cost of your medical expenses? - Boring! - Wait! This might be the answer we're looking for.

I will perform any operation for 1 29.


Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap.

[ Grunting ] Okay, friend.

You tried the best.

Now try the rest.

Call 1 -600-DOCTORB.

The "B" is for "bargain"! Well, Marge, we could do worse.

- How? - Uh, some dog could do the operation.

Operation? What are you talking about? Kids, I have something to tell you.

Oh, Homie, I don't know.

This might upset them.

Nothing you say can upset us.

We're the MTV generation.

- We feel neither highs nor lows.

- Really? What's it like? - Eh.

- Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

So the tiny Aorta fairies will take Mr.

Leg Vein on a long trip to get married to Princess Left Ventricle.

Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft? - Uh, yeah.

- Oh, no.

What if they botch it? I won't have a dad for a while.

[ Sobbing ] Kids.


I'm not gonna die.

- That only happens to bad people.

- What about Abraham Lincoln? Uh-- He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren.

- Homer! - Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on 'em.

Bedgoes up.

Bedgoes down.

Bedgoes up.

Bedgoes down.

Bed goes up.

Bed goes down.

- Bed goes up.

Bed goes down.

- [Flanders]Homer Simpson! Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink.

Flanders, what are you doin' here? I'm having a kidney and a lung removed.

- Who are you donating 'em to? - First come, first serve.

What are you in for? - I got a bad heart.

- If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would.

Shut up, Flanders.

Hi, everybody! I'm Dr.

Nick Riviera.




Nick Riviera.

Please report to the coroner immediately.

The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy.

Well, see you in the operating place.

- [ All Chattering ] - Where are the bodies? Oh, such a nice day.

I think I'll go out the window.

- Ho! - [Objects Clattering] Dear Lord, thank you For Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and Sweatin' to the Oldies, volumes one, two and four.

Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow.

If something happens, please look after Marge - and make sure my kids grow up right.

- Shh! Sorry.

- And that's why God causes train wrecks.

- Ah! My dad is very sick.

What's gonna happen if he dies? Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven.

In heaven, you get to do Whatever you like best all the time.

Cloud goes up.

Cloud goes down.

Cloud goes up.

Cloud goes down.

Bed goes up.

Bed goes down.

Hey, hey! [ Chuckling ] - [ Gasps, Groans ] - Hey, what's the matter? Oh, that's right.

My grotesque appearance.

[ Chuckling ] - Krusty, why are you here? - Eh, it's part of my public service for my glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump.


Well, I could use a good laugh.

Well, there's nothing funny about What you're about to go through.

I know.

I'm in the zipper club myself.

- Ahh! - You seem okay.

Yeah? Well, I got news for ya.

This ain't makeup.

They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son.

I've never fully understood why that is.

Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

[ Laughing ] We passed this card around at work.

- Gee, thanks, guys.

- They had a hell of a time replacing ya.

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it.

But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.

Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini? Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.

Thanks, Moe.

Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

Mom, this is fascinating.

Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes? [ Groans ] I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books.

No, Mom.

It's very reassuring.

And I've learned a great deal from this cow's heart I got at the butcher shop.

- [ Groans ] - [Man]Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge.

- [ Bones Cracking ] - Ah! No! Blood! Ugh! Next, make an incision in the coronary artery-- And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.

- [Theme] - [People Applauding] Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this! All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.

And a new candle now and then? - Yes, and a new ca-- No! - [People Laughing] Oh, my little Maggie.

I may never hold you again.

Ew! Stinky pants! Now, Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're gonna be lonely-- - Oh, Homie, I could never remarry.

- Darn right.

And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch - as a constant reminder of our marital vows.

- Ohh.

Kids? You can come in now.

Bed goes up-- Kids I want to give you some words to remember me by in case something happens.

Let's see.

Uh-- - Oh, I'm no good at this.

- [ Whispering ] Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up, because-- [ Whispering ] I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man.

- Thanks, Dad.

- And Lisa-- [ Whispering ] I guess this is the time to tell you-- - [ Whispering ] -you're adopted and I don't like you.

Bart! But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.

[ Sobbing ] Oh, Dad.

- Hi, everybody! - Hi, Dr.

Nick! - [ Snoring ] - Now, if something should go wrong let's not get the law involved.

One hand washes the other.

Ooh, that reminds me.

These gloves came free with my toilet brush.

What the hell is that? Marge, this is Andre.


[ Chuckles ] I think you two would make a lovely couple.

My husband is still alive! Oh.

Thank God.

I hope he pulls through.

Not me.

[ Chuckles ] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

- How long has it been? - Six seconds.

- Do we have to start over? - Hell, no.

Poor Mr.


Could it be that my snack treats - are responsible for his wretched health? - Gimme some jerky.

- Would you like some vodka with that? - Oh, what the hell.


Doctor, what's wrong? Don't you know where to make the incision? All right, Nick.

Don't panic.

Think back to med school.

Seriously, baby.

I can prescribe anything I want.

I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? And where? Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! - Below! - Thanks, little girl! [ Singing ] Uh-oh.

Goodnews! The operation was a complete success.

Oh, that's wonderful! Mmm! Hmm.

[ Humming ] Dr.

Nick Riviera, remember me? Well if it isn't my old friend Mr.

McGreg with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

All right, Dad! You rule intensive care! [ Sniffles ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!