The Simpsons Episode Scripts

8F23 - Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] ## [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Forgot there was a physical today, huh? Yeah.

Hey, Homer, can I borrow your underwear? Nah.

This can't be right.

This man has 1 04% body fat.

Hey, no eating in the tank.

Go to hell.

How was your day at work, dear? Oh, the usual-- stand in front of this.

Open that.

Pull down this.

Bend over.

Spread apart that.

Turn your head that way.


[ Smithers ] Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile.

Who? A cabbagehead from sector 7-G.

Take a look at this sperm sample.

[ Snoring ] [ Burns ] Eww.

[ Smithers ] Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample.

[ Burns ] Oh, yes.

I'm afraid radiation from the plant is the reason.

He could sue for millions.

Mother of pearl.

Call my lawyers! [ Burns ] Let me make one thing clear.

I want your legal advice.

I even pay for it.

But to me, you're all vipers.

You live on personal injury, on divorces.

You live on pain and misery! But I'm rambling.

Anybody want coffee? I'll have coffee.

Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart.

It's so hard to listen.

I hate you all so much! I'm sorry.

It's my problem.

I'll deal with it.

Please continue.

If you offer Mr.

Simpson a couple thou he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.

Oh, a cash settlement.

I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot! You have cream? Yes.

Where are my manners? [ Man ] Yeah, I used to be rich.

I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors.

Then those Disney sleazeballs shut me down.

I said, ''I'll change the logo-- put Mickey's pants on.

'' Some guys you just can't reason with.

I used to own a successful car company.

My strategy was giving them Japanese names.

You ever drive a Tempura hatchback? - Oh, yeah.

- Sure.

I got hit by one of those.

Yeah, life was sweet.

Then I found out I had a long-lost half brother.

Homer? Herb? [ Herb ] I let him design a car that would make or break my company.

[ Announcer] Presenting the Homer.

[ Crowd Gasping ] [ Gulping ] I'm ruined! [ Herb ] Forbes called it:: Overblown, don't you think? What about New Coke? Hey! I invented that.

Yeah, but all that's in the past because this is America, and in America you're never finished as long as you've got a brain because all a man really needs is an idea.

- Well, I'm licked.

- Me too.

Now, the next event in our living room Olympics-- the controversial couch vault.

I do this for Stainmaster carpets proud sponsor of the living room Olympics.

What the hell are you.


? [ Screaming ] Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat-- The dream is over.

Who did this? We were sitting on the couch when we heard a creaking noise.

We leapt off just in time to see it collapse.

There, there.

You're safe now, little sister.

Why did this have to happen now during prime time when TV's brightest stars come out to shine? Oh, good-bye, old girl.

We've had a lot of great memories.

[ Woman ] That's right.

I shotJ.


[ Gasping ] [ Announcer] Except for huge gaps in the western states Hands Across America was a complete success.

[ Man ] Well, I never thought I'd see it.

They're dancing on the Berlin Wall.

These live and lively lovers of liberation Boring.

[ Man #1 ] Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter.

[ Man #2 ] Pyle! [ Chuckling ] Well, friend, you're going back where you came from-- the curb in front of Flanders's house.

Now, let's see.

I need an idea.

Idea idea! What's the matter with me? I used to have hundreds of ideas.

[ Baby Crying ] [ Woman ] What do you want? I just changed your diaper.

Are you hungry? Are you cold? Do you want to go home? Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime.

How do I thank you? Don't hurt me.

Consider it done.

Hey, pal, I heard about the couch.

Yeah, you going to be okay? Yeah.

You know, my life just can't get any worse.

That's right.

There's no way my life could possibly get any worse.

[ Smithers ] Simpson, report to Mr.

Burns's office.

D'oh! Is this the one with the lazy sperm? Mm-hmm.

Ah, Simpson, you big, virile son of a gun would you like a check for $2,000? Would I! All you have to do is sign this form.

I'm not signing anything until I read it or somebody gives me the gist of it.


All right.

Well, it just explains that you've won--yes, that's it-- won the first annual Montgomery Burns uh Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

Don't I get some kind of trophy? And a big awards ceremony? Yes.

That was Bonita DeWolf and the Springfield Nuclear Plant Soft-shoe Society.

This is the biggest farce I ever saw.

What about the Emmys? I stand corrected.

And now, to present the award here's former heavyweight champion Smokin'Joe Frazier.

Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as ''the quality or condition of being excellent.

'' And now the winner of the first annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

Please, please You know you won.

Don't jinx it.

The winner: Homer Simpson.

Oh, my God! I win! [ Screaming ] [ Loud Thump ] Keep those pickled eggs coming.

You cleaned me out.

What's the matter, Homer? Cummerbund tight? I miss my couch.

I know how you feel.

You lost the couch.

I lost the heavyweight championship.

Heavyweight championship.

There's three of those.

That couch was one of a kind.

I know things are tough now but one day, you'll be walking along and see a piece of furniture you can love just as much.

Hey, Frazier, shut up! You been riding my back all night.

Oh, yeah? Care to step outside? Let's do it.

[ Punching And Screaming ] I think I'm going to take a walk.

All right! A peanut.

[ Crunching ] I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea and I've got an idea.

Then how come you're still a bum? All right.

A man needs two things-- an idea and money to get it off the ground.

Hello, what's this? [ Reading Headline Aloud ] Hmm.

Any of you guys know which freight goes to Springfield? [ Train Approaching ] Uh-uh.



That's the one! I feel so empty, so alone, so couchless.

[ Gasping ] Wow! The Spinemelter 2000.

[ Loud Vibrating ] Give me full power.

But, sir Damn it! I said full power.

[ Vibrations Getting Louder] [ Eerie, Out-of-body Music Playing ] [ Lisa ] Dad? Dad? [ Voice Quavering ] I'll take it.

This chair is $2,000.

We can buy a whole living room set for that.

There's an empty spot inside me.

I tried to fill it with family, religion community service, but those were dead ends.

I think this chair is the answer.

We can't just spend this money on some creature comfort.

All right, we won't get the chair.

Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

[ Loud Vibrating ] Hmm [ Chimes Ringing Melodically ] Yes? Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong house.

That's where you're wrong, friend.

Today's our tithe day and we've got ourselves a transient.

Come in, my friend.

Let us feed and bathe you.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet? I think it's Mom's turn, son.

Oh, no fair.

Thanks for the suit.

If you ever want to spend the night Maude and I can sleep on card tables.

They're singing again.

Lousy neighbors.

Wish I was deaf.

[ Doorbell Ringing ] What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me.

But on the other hand, he's family.

So many conflicting emotions.

How to express them? Herb? [ Both ] Uncky Herb! Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you.

You weren't so glad to see me.

I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you.

Every word you say makes me want to punch you.

In my home, could you just kick me in the butt? I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

Herb! How have you been? I've been living in a cardboard box sleeping on grates, eating out of Dumpsters.

You? Can't complain.

Let me give you the grand tour.

This is one of our many light switches.

It functions in both the on and off mode.

On, off.

On, off.

He knows how to work a light switch.

Oh, yeah, right.

I don't know what this switch does.

[ Playing '' Deck The Halls'' ] This is really good, Marge.

I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Council.

They do good work.

Uncky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself? Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

Lisa, aren't you happy to see me? Why didn't you write? What would I say? '' Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop''? I see your point.

Maggie, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

You're going to make me rich again.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

One, two, three Ventnor Avenue.

And while on Ventnor Avenue you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa.

A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble.

There is the unpleasant matter of the bill.

Get to the point.

[ Groaning ] That's all I got.

Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life.

I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

Maybe we should play another game.

Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank? Dad won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award.

We should invest in a set of''Great Books of Western Civilization.

'' Look at this ad from New Republic for Kids.

'' Each month, a new classic will be delivered.

''Paradise Regained, Martin Chuzzlewit or Herman Melville's twin classics, Omoo and Typee.

'' Marge, didn't you want that vibrating chair? That was your idea.

We should get a machine gun.

We could hunt game, spell out things or ring in the new year.

I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer.

[ Loud Rumbling ] [ Screeching Meow ] How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance? Nah.

What are you talking about? Not here.

Come into the dining room.

I have a 20-minute presentation that will change the world.

Okay, now before I tell you about my idea I'd like to show you this.

It's drinking the water! Take it easy, Homer.

This is an example of how one little idea, carefully marketed-- This is the greatest invention in the world.

You'll make a million dollars.

No, that invention is out already.

I'm just using it as an example.

It's going back for more.

Oh Homer, this is my invention.

Now of course, with these blueprints you'll have to use your imagination.

[ Homer] What the-- Hmmm.

[ Laughing ] It's a baby translator.

It measures the pitch the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cries.

Then it tells whoever's around in plain English exactly what the baby is trying to say.

Everything from ''change me'' to ''turn off that damn Raffi record.

'' That's a very clever idea.

All I need is a couple of thousand dollars to build a prototype.

You'll have your money back in 30 days, I swear.

We owe a debt to Uncky Herb.

He took us in and Dad destroyed him.

Some shyster will bilk you out of your money.

It may as well be your brother.

I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks but you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.


Then give me the drinking bird.

[ Maggie Trying To Talk ] What could you be saying? [ Baby Talk ] Nothing downstairs.

You just took a nap.

[ Sucking ] ''I want to suck your nose.

'' Hooga-booga, hooga-booga.

[ Baby Talk ] ''I'm scared.

'' Hmm The amplitude of the sine wave is insufficient for ''burp me'' and this sawtooth formation seems to Blah! Eureka.

Now, I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet.


We peeked while you were in the john.


Well, here it is again my baby translator.

Ooh! Marge, you don't have to humor me.

Well, it's pretty ingrained.

What do you think, Homer? This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.

Could you stop thinking about your ass? I try, but I can't.

[ Baby Talk ] Lavish attention on me and entertain me.

Oh, Maggie, you talked! You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind.



[ Baby Talk ] Where did you go? Peekaboo! [ Baby Talk ] Oh, there you are.

Very amusing.

Homer, now what do you think? I don't know, Herb.

People are afraid of new things.

You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it.

Homer, every mother in the country will want one of these.

[ Baby Talk ] I have soiled myself.

How embarrassing.

I gave Herb all my money and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear.

He can't stay mad at you forever.

He is your brother.

When is he going to act like it? [ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Plane Buzzing ] This radio-controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly just like my son here.

He can execute the barrel roll, the loop-the-loop and bring it in for the perfect landing.

[ Crowd Gasping ] Oh, dear.

My wife is going to kill me.

[ Baby Talk ] I only want to eat candy.

Then that's all you'll get.

[ Baby Talk ] This leash demeans us both.

I'll take two! I'll take a dozen! I represent the Precious Baby Discount Stores.

I'll take 50,000! I'm rich again! U.



! U.



! U.



! Homer here's a check for $2,000.

I also wanted to give you each something for believing in me.

Lisa, this is the first volume of''the Great Books of Western Civilization.

'' You'll receive a new one every month from Beowolf to Less Than Zero.

Finally a copy of Ethan Frome to call my own.

You're too young for that machine gun but I'm giving you something that will make sure when you're old enough you can still buy one a membership in the National Rifle Association.

Wow! The N.



! Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets? It's in the Constitution.

Maggie who brought me my fortune I'll give you anything you want in this world.

[ Baby Talk ] I want what the dog's eating.

D'oh! I'll get you something nice.

Now, Marge Herb, I don't need any gift.

You're too late, Marge.

I got you a new washer and dryer and sold the old ones for 50 bucks.

[ Shouting And Cheering ] - Come on, washer! - [ Loud Rumbling ] [ Cheering ] Oh, you stupid dryer! Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.

Homer, walk me to my car.

What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? This is what you get, Homer.

I forgive you.

You can call me brother, and I can do the same.

That's it? That's it.

I see your point brother.

Give me a hug brother.

All right but I never really hugged a man before.

[ Both Chuckling ] Homer, I bought you the damn chair.

[ Loud Smacking ] Get out of here.

Go on, that's enough.

Get out of here.