The Simpsons Episode Scripts

8F16 - Bart the Lover

[ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Hey, what gives? You said you wanted a world without zinc,Jimmy.

Well, now your car has no battery.

I'm supposed to pick Betty up.

I better give her a call.

[ Yawning ] [ Stuck Dial Tone ] Sorry,Jimmy.

Without zinc for the rotary mechanism there are no telephones.

Dear God.

What have I done? [ Clicking ] Think again,Jimmy.

The firing pin in your gun was made of yup zinc.

Come back, zinc.

Come back.

Come back.

Zinc, come back.

Zinc! Zinc, zinc! What? Oh, it was all a dream.

Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones car batteries, handguns, and many things made of zinc.

Gross! He's picking his nose.

[ Students Laughing ] Hmph! [ Bell Ringing ] If anyone wants to learn more about zinc they're welcome to stay.

We can talk about anything.

I'll do your homework for you.

[ Groans ] ''Chef Lonely Heart's soup for one.

'' One scratch and win, Apu.

I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.

Still teaching? Let's see.

One more day at least.

[ Engine Sputtering ] Bingo, bango, sugar in the gas tank.

Your ex-husband strikes again.

Mm Mm Hmm? Apersonal ad? Why not? It might be fun.

Kind of a lark.

[ Phone Ringing ] Come on, come on.

Answer the phone.

I need a man! [ Loud Talking ] Ow, my eyeball! [ Laughter] Enough, people.

People? All right.

You know, I can wait just as long as you.

[ Noise Continues ] Knock it off!.

Now, boys and girls let's welcome our very special guest Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King Yo-Yo Company.

[ Smattering Of Applause ] Kids, this is a yo-yo.

Kind of dull, huh? Not much competition for a video game or is it? Presenting the Twirl King champions! Mr.

Amazing! Sparkle! She's beautiful.

Zero Gravity! The Cobra! These guys must be millionaires.

I'll bet they get all kinds of girls.

I question the value of this assembly.

It will be a pleasant memory when they're pumping gas for a living.

[ Cheering ] Now, for our next stunt, what do you say we get your principal up here? [ Cheering ] Ooh careful now.

That one grazed my ear.

Don't move.

You could really get hurt.


How much do those cost? I don't care.

[ Kids Shouting Good-byes ] Wow! Thanks, Sparkle.


This isn't you.

That's the old Sparkle.

Get your worthless butts in the van.

We got three more schools.

Let's go, go, go! [ Shouting Good-byes ] That's your trick? No.

Here's my trick.

Hoowah! [ Laughing ] [ Gasping ] Whoa! Whoa! Thank you.

Marge, come here.

Can you believe it? Soon, I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy.

Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks.

[ Thinking ] Donald Trump? No.

Arnold Palmer? No.

Bill Cosby? No.

D'oh! ''After two months at sea the Pilgrims were running out of food and water.

'' Did they have yo-yos? No, they did not have yo-yos.

''When they landed they were greeted by the Wompanog Indians.

'' Did the Indians have yo-yos? No, they did not have yo-yos! I am sick and tired of talking about yo-yos.

I will not accept any book reports science projects, dioramas or anything else on yo-yos.

Am I making myself clear? Yo.

Hey, Bart got any new tricks for us today? Just one.

A little something I call ''Plucking the Pickle.

'' I build up a little steam, and I didn't do it.

Don't worry about your wee fish, lass.

They're going to a better place.

[ Toilet Flushing ] That's one month's detention.


Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles but life goes on.

So, if I could have my yo-yo back If you were me would you give back the yo-yo? Here you go Just kidding.

Here you go Just kidding.

[ Chuckling ] Well, would you? Absolutely.

P-hih! What's eating you, woman? Your ad said you wanted a man.

You got yourself a hummm-dinger.

I guess I expected something different from your photo.

Just because there's a little snow on the roof I forget how the rest of that goes.

One month's detention.

She'll pay for this.

Yup, there's your problem.

Someone jammed a Malibu Stacy head down here.

Edna, happy hour in the teachers' lounge.

Just a sec.


Huh? ''One plus one equals two?'' ''Write Edna K.

Box 402.

'' Hmm.

Dear Edna I never answered a personal ad before but I found yours irresistible.

My name is [ Sexy Fantasy Voice ] Woodrow.

I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight and oh,yes, I really hate yo-yos.

Oh, Woodrow! [ Yeowling ] Maybe we should let the dog in.

Marge, dogs love the outdoors.

[ Whimpering ] [ Marge ] I think he needs a doghouse.

What can you do? I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.

Marge, you're a tool of the doghouse makers.

I am not.

Yes, you are.

You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.

I know.

I'll build him a doghouse.

Oh, I don't know.

Don't worry.

I drew up a little blueprint.

Let me walk you through it.

This is a door.

He goes through that.

This is a roof.

And this happy character here is the sun.

He shines down on the house.

How was detention today? Oh, not bad.

I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer.

Yes! [ Mrs.

Krabappel ] ''Dear Woodrow,you're not like the other men I've met.

'' I'm the 28th president of the United States.

''I've had some bad experiences with these ads.

I'd like to learn more about you, so write soon.

Here's a photo that will get your pencil moving.

'' You've got a date with the Xerox machine.

[ Grunting and Groaning ] Stupid lumber.

Damn it! D'oh! I-- Oh, the hell with this! A fellow came in asking for change for a dollar.

I gave him three quarters by mistake.

Took me the whole afternoon to find him.

Todd, would you like mixed vegetables? Hell no.

[ Gasping ] What did you say? I don't want any damn vegetables.

All right.

No Bible stories for you tonight.

[ Crying ] Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Ned Flanders is on the phone.

Oh, if this is about that stupid quarter again, I-- Hello, Ned.

Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy.

Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

You know kids and vegetables.

Was it asparagus? No, no, Reverend.

The point is he said a bad word.


Oh, right.

Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace.

Find out who's doing it, and direct them to the Bible.

Where in the Bible? Uh page 900.

But, Reverend Damn Flanders.

Hey, Lise, a moment of your time.

Yeah? Suppose I was writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my ''A'' material.

Ooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Is it Teri? No.

Sheri? No! That girl with the lazy eye? No.

That exchange student Mix!pa? No! It's not for me.

It's homework.

Sure it is.

Hey, Bart, let's do some homework.

[ Kissing ] [ Groans ] Golly, Sergeant Carter, I can't fix yourjeep but maybe this will make it up to you.

[ Deep Baritone ] ## Galveston, oh, Galveston ## Is this all he watches? He used to watch Davy and Goliath but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

Mom, did you save Dad's love letters? Of course I saved them.

Well, actually, there's only one and it's more of a love postcard from some brewery he visited.

[ Homer ] ''Maybe it's the beer talking but you've got a butt that won't quit.

They got these big, chewy pretzels here '' [ Slurring Speech ] ''Five dollars?.

! Get outta here.

'' Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen! [ Sighs ] Penny for your thoughts, Miss K.

I was just thinking You wouldn't be interested.

Try me.

It helps to talk.

[ Hawks And Spits ] Well, I was just wishing I could meet a man who likes the way I look first thing in the morning.

- Laughs at my jokes.

- Uh-huh.

- Can fix my car.

- Oh, yeah.

[ Bart ] ''Dear Edna,your photo took my breath away.

[ Woodrow ] Truly,yours is a butt that won't quit.

Yesterday morning I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs.

'' [ Moans And Glugs ] At last, we've built the mission.

Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.

# Bringing in the sheaves # # Bringing in the sheaves # #We shall come rejoicing ## Well, he's not getting it from his brother that's for darn sure.

[ Homer ] Damn crappy nails.

! Super glue, my butt.

! [ Gasps ] D'oh! You bas.


! Hit it.


! Shot.


! D'oh! Homer? What is it, Flanders? I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you.

If it's about your camcorder, I lost it, okay? No, I came to talk to you about your potty mouth.

What the hell are you talking about? All of us pull a few boners now and then-- Go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves.

I don't want to be hard on you but I wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.

Oh, come on now, Flanders.

I don't complain about your moustache.

What's wrong with my moustache? Uh, it makes you look like you got something to hide.

What? People are talking.

Lots of people.

Okay, mister you've got a deal.

I'll shave off the soup-strainer if you give the sailor talk the old heave-ho.

Aye, aye Admiral Butthead.

[ Announcer ] We now return to Two for Tunisia on Colorization Theater.

Ah, my love.

A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty.

Whoa, slow down, Frenchy.

This stuff is gold.

''A million poets working for a million years'' You're so lucky.

When are you going to meet him? First, I ask him to send a photo.

If he's got everything where it should be I'm reeling him in.

[ Laughing ] Strap on your skates, Gordie.

You're going in.

Hey, Marge, do you want to hear something funny? Flanders thinks I swear too much.

[ Giggling ] Marge, you're not laughing.

Well, maybe he's right.

Well, what a surprise.

Marge sticks up for Flanders.

Can we have a conversation where you don't bring up your hero Ned Flanders? Homer, you brought up Ned Flanders.

Maybe I do curse a little but that's the way God made me, and I'm too old to stop now.

No, you're not.

After the navy, my father used to curse a blue streak.

It almost cost him his job as a baby photographer so my mom put a swear jar in the kitchen.

Every time he said a bad word he put in a quarter.

Well, Marge self-improvement has always been a passion of mine.

Bring on the swear jar.

Do I have to pay if I hit my hand with a hammer? Yes, Homer.

If I catch fire? No, Homer.

If I see something weird? Yes, Homer.

What about when we snuggle? Hmm That's okay.

[ Miss Krabappel ] ''Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet.

Why don't we go out to dinner? After, we'll go to my apartment for some home cookin'.

'' Huh? Ay, caramba.

! ''Hungrily yours, Edna.

'' Well, she's dangled on the line long enough.

It's time to boat this bass.

''When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me.

'' Bart! Eyes down.

Yes, ma'am.

[ Bart ] ''Every second until we meet stabs me like a thousand needles.

[ Woodrow ] Join me at the Gilded Truffle Saturday at 8::00.

Perhaps later we will smooch up a storm.

Sexily yours, Woody.

'' [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] [ Bart Sighing ] Huh? [ Crying ] Oh, I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Homer, that was a 20.



! Oh, you son.


! Homer, I owe you one, buddy.

No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster than a lady cast me in a commercial.

These checks keep coming-- It's criminal.

You dirty bast.


! What do you think, Lisa? How's the dog supposed to get in? Well, he just goes Ohh! [ Snoring ] [ Screams ] [ Sighing ] Oh, Woodrow, how could you stand me up? Mrs.


, you don't need him.

There are plenty of good men around.

Name one.

What's wrong with Principal Skinner? Seymour? Hmph.

Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play.

What about Coach Fortner? Glug, glug, glug, glug Wow.

What about groundskeeper Willy? Ugh! I won't even tell you what that guy's into.

Bart, you are the closest thing to a man in my life and that's so depressing I think I'm to cry.

[ Sobbing ] [ Groaning ] Aah.


! Oh, fudge That's broken.


That will require a tetanus shot.

I'm not going to swear but I am going to kick this doghouse down! [ Ranting ] Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills but we bought you a new doghouse.

With what money? There was plenty in the swear jar and inside the doghouse, there's a little surprise.


Oh, cute.

No, behind her.

[ Gasps ] Beer! How did you know? Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? There's Maggie! [ Makes Raspberries On Her Belly ] Mom, this is a little ahead of schedule but I need help with my love life.

Oh, my special little guy has a sweetheart.

[ Snickering ] I knew it! Who's your girlfriend? Mrs.


- Hmm.

- Hmm.

[ Whistles ] Bart, this is your teacher? I'll start going to parents' night.

[ Growls ] Homer! You did a cruel thing.

Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.

No, that would humiliate her.

I thought that's what you wanted to hear.

[ Lisa ] Let's write her another letter that says good-bye, but let's her feel loved.

Step aside, everyone.

Sensitive love letters are my specialty.

''Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpville.

Population: You.

'' We'll all help.

''Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea my heart is with you.

'' That sucks.

How about ''Crocodiles bit off my face''? That's disgusting, and besides when a woman loves a man, that wouldn't matter.

I may hold you to that, Marge.

''I cannot see you for the next five years for I will be farming the ocean floor.

'' [ Buzzes ] ''I must finish this letter quickly for I have only four minutes to live.

'' Three simple worlds: ''I am gay.

'' Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that.

''And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna.

'' Oh, that's very good, Lisa.



: I am gay.

'' [ Both Groaning ] How shall we end it? How about, ''With a love that will echo through the ages.

'' Aww.

Ooh! That's sweet.

Homer, you old honey dripper.

Why, you little Hee, hee.

Huh? [ Gasps ] Wait! Wait! [ Woodrow ] ''Dearest Edna, I must leave you.

Why? I cannot say.

Where? You cannot know.

How I will get there I haven't decided yet.

But one thing I can tell you any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna.

'' Ohh.


! [ Humming ] Bart, it's such a nice day today.

Let's have detention outside.

It's a date.

[ Hockey Arena Organ Playing ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!