Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
8F14 - Homer Alone
Mmm, who am I kidding? Now, Maggie when you grow up you can suck your pacifier all you want.
[ Humming ] [ Loud Burp ] Extra mustard for Bart's sliced diagonally.
Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust.
Double bologna for Homer - Mom-- - Mom-- Can you sign my-- Where's my lucky red cap? I hate those pimento things-- I split my pants again.
Ooh! Can I have two sandwiches? I got a test today-- I can't eat those-- One at a time! One at a time! - Double bologna! - No pimentos! - Don't forget to make it-- - Mom, where's my-- That's enough! There you go, Lisa-- no pimentos.
Bart, your hat's behind the toilet.
Homer, I'll sew your pants, but I'm out of bologna.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
D'oh! Videos to return grocery list, flea dip for the cat dry cleaning-- I think that's everything.
Marge, can you take my ball to Nick's? A bottle cap got lodged in the finger hole.
I'm running late.
Can't you use a ball at the alley? [ Groaning ] Ohh, alley balls? All right.
Just put it in my left hand.
Kids, hurry up or you're going to miss your bus.
- No way.
- Never happen.
Well, I'll be damned.
[ Groaning ] Bart's making faces at me.
It's a nervous twitch, and I'm sensitive about it if you don't mind.
[ Skipped item nr.
58 ] Get out! Fruit leather Tree Fresh imitation orange drink Krusty brand duck sausage pizza-- You've got the wrong Nick's.
You want Nick's on the other side of town.
I don't know what Nicky's telling you.
I haven't flushed a ball in years.
[Jackhammer Pounding ] [ Man ] Oh, this miserable stress headache.
Feels like there's a rat in my brain! [ Deejay #1 ] It's time for another Bill and Marty classic crank call.
[ Deejay #2 ] Hello, Mr.
Justin Sherman? [ Sherman ] Yes.
Your wife is dead.
Oh, God, no! [ Stifling Chuckle ] That's right.
She just walked through a plate glass window.
There's blood everywhere.
I just talked to her.
[ Deejays Laughing ] [ Screams ] [ Bus Horn Honking ] Bart's making faces.
Where's my red cap? Alley balls? Your wife is dead.
I haven't flushed a ball in years.
Noooo!! Lady, this better be good.
[ Lion's Roar] This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky.
We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge.
Traffic going waaay back in both directions.
And look out at 1 4th and Elm.
I just dropped my bagel.
She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
Did you flash your lights? Yes.
Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
All right! A chance to catch some rays.
[ Honking Horn ] Come on! Come on! I got a body in the trunk.
[ Honking Horn ] Mr.
Genie, stop fiddling with the buttons.
Oh! You've gotten chocolate all over everything.
This is Kent Brockman reporting from Arnie Pie's traffic 'copter but this is no mere traffic report.
Hey! Face the facts.
An overworked and underappreciated housewife has parked on the bridge, refusing to budge.
This reporter will be lowered in the sky harness for an exclusive interview.
Huh? Ow! Hey! Ow! Sweetheart, what's the matter? Not getting enough of the good stuff? D'oh! [ Bystanders Talking ] Let me through.
I'm her husband.
That explains a lot.
[ Both Chuckling ] [ Both Sighing ] Try to talk her out of there but don't put your lips on it.
Hello! Is this thing on? Hello?! Homer, is that you? What should I say? How about, ''Yes, it's me''? Yes, it's me.
Tell her you love her.
I love you very much.
[ Crowd ] Awww.
And, uh later tonight, I think you and I should, uh snuggle? [ Laughing ] Ha, ha! Uh, why don't you just wrap it up? I can tell something's bothering you but if you come out of that car I promise to do whatever it takes to make it better.
Please, honey? Okay.
Cuff her, boys! Off the record, ma'am all the gals on the force knew just how you felt.
Could you loosen my cuffs? No.
She'll be cracking rocks by the end of the week.
You glorified night watchman let her go! But she broke the law.
Thanks for the civics lesson.
If Marge Simpson goes to jail I can kiss the chick vote good-bye and if I go down, you're breaking my fall! Quimby, don't write checks your butt can't cash.
Hear me, Wiggum, you bite me, I'll bite back.
You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk? I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson day in the city of Springfield.
[ Cheering ] They're like seals-- toss 'em a fish and watch 'em slap their fins together.
Well, all's well that ends well.
Good night, Marge.
[ Snoring ] [ Growls ] Many years ago the Spanish explorers discovered their piece of heaven nestled in the Springfield Mountains.
They called it Rancho Relaxo and so do we.
Today, it's Springfield's only two-star health spa.
Swim, play tennis or just sit and stare at the walls.
At Rancho Relaxo, you're the boss.
Remember, you can't spell Relaxo without relax.
Homer? [ Groans ] - Homer! - What? I need a vacation.
What?! But, Marge, we just had a vacation.
Remember Mystic Caverns? [ Chuckles ] I need to unwind.
I know you do, Marge but you know what our vacations are like.
Those three monsters in the backseat-- ''Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'' And I'm no day at the beach either.
'' Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?'' No, I mean a vacation by myself.
What?! You mean we're getting a divorce? Marge, I can change.
No, Homie, no.
I still love you.
A lot of couples take separate vacations.
Well, okay but you have to swear you're coming back.
All right, then.
[ Snoring ] [ Marge ] Thanks for taking the children while I'm away.
Don't worry yourself.
We've got six months of maternity leave we'll never use anyway.
Homer, bring Maggie out.
Wish I'd thought of that.
[ Grunting ] She's starting to give.
Homer, if Maggie doesn't want to leave the house maybe she should just stay with you.
Are you sure that's wise? He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.
[ Both Chuckling ] For your information, I can take care of my-- [ Screams ] See? Got her on the first bounce.
All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater Cattle Skull Testing Grounds, and Rancho Relaxo.
Good-bye? Where's my clean underwear? Check the dryer.
How often should I change Maggie? Whenever she needs it.
Marge, how do I use the pressure cooker? Don't! [ Skipped item nr.
251 ] Restful, easy listening.
Coming up next a super-set of songs about clouds.
[ Chomping ] [ Metallic Clunking ] Hmm? Hello, Maggie.
Mommy went crazy and went far, far away so it's going to be just you and me for a while.
Just you and me.
You haven't touched your tongue sandwiches.
Are you thirsty? We've got Clamato, Mr.
Pibb, and soy milk.
That's all right.
[ Yawns ] I think I'll just hit the hay.
It's 1 2:30 in the afternoon.
I'm aware of the time.
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed.
Bart, you'll sleep with Aunt Patty.
- In your bed? - Uh-huh.
And I should warn you I'm told I snore.
[ Chuckling ] Ooh, Divorce Court is on in 1 5 minutes! I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked.
[ Screams ] Oh, hello and welcome to Rancho Relaxo.
I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such films as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die, and Gladys, the Groovy Mule.
But today you'll see me in my greatest role-- your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.
Our tour starts in your own room where Relaxo-vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits and after midnight the finest '' R'' rated movies Europe has to offer.
Ooh-la-la! Today's selections are: [ Employee's Voice Inserted ] Chef Roderigo, what are you up to? Taste for yourself, Troy.
Mm-mm-mmm! That can't be good for me.
It tastes too good.
That's where you're wrong.
This whole pot is only 1 4 calories.
[ Moaning ] Oh, Gregory where have you been all my life? [ Laughs ] Feeling tense? Uh-huh.
Then just push nine on your phone then the pound sign, then 4-8-3.
We'll do the rest.
[ Moans ] [ Homer ] Come on, Maggie.
[ To Tune Of'' Rule Brittania'' ] # Shakespeare's fried chicken # # Come gorge yourself today # [ Grunting ] # Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, la, la, la # [ Growling ] [ Yelling ] D'oh! Let go! Mmmmm ohh ahh Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.
Thanks for keeping me company.
If it isn't little Bart.
Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey, Homer, let me hold him.
All right, but just be careful.
Whoa! Someone smells stinky.
[ Sniffs ] Oh, it's me.
Bart you shouldn't be looking through other people's things.
Find anything good? I said it before, and I'll say it again.
! Hey, Lis, bang, bang! Aw, Bart that's a blackhead gun! Eww! Best MacGyver ever.
Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.
[ Loud, Obnoxious Snoring ] [ Shuddering Groans ] [ Sighs ] [ Homer ] ## Go to sleep ## #And good night # # La-da-da-da, da-da-da # # Dee-dee-dee # # Dee-dee-dee # # May your Christmas days be nice # Good night, my little pork chop.
[ Barney Snoring ] [ Belches ] Oh, Maggie? Time for your 9:00 a.
Heh, heh, heh.
[ Screams ] Maggie? Maggie? Maggie?! [ Snoring ] Oh hoo [ Grunting ] Maggie! Oh, man.
You want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these.
I've lost a baby.
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make you an omelet.
Just help me look.
Are you sure? I make them with two kinds of cheese.
Homer, I think I've got her.
[ Grunting ] Come on! Barney, you'll pull her arm off!.
The sooner I get her out the sooner we can have omelets.
[ Grunts ] [ Sighs ] Hmm, so, what's the verdict? Oh, dear God.
I can't even put a bag over my head.
Yes, you can.
I'd like the Department of Missing Babies.
[ Man ] Please hold.
Hmm, I guess I've done everything.
By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer but remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time.
You have to tell us.
As I said to Delores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers '' Have it your way, baby.
'' [ Corny Theme Music ] Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson.
I'd like a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and some chocolate chip cheesecake and a bottle of tequila.
Let's get out of here, Thelma.
[ Long, Deep Sigh ] What do you want? I came to see the kids.
Wait here and don't steal any light bulbs.
Hmm - Dad! - Dad! Hey, kids.
You haven't seen Maggie around, have you? - Hmm-mm.
Oh! Well, I got to go.
[ Patty ] Come on, kids.
It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.
[ Shuddering Groans ] [ Southern Accent ] Hello, gov'nor.
Lube job while you wait? Don't touch me.
[ Sobbing ] [ Phone Ringing ] Yello.
I feel much better.
Listen, Marge uh how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away? Homer, that's awful.
Well, I got good news.
The dog didn't run away.
I'm coming home, honey.
You can pick me up in an hour and bring the kids.
D'oh! Please, don't jump.
I know you're going through some tough times but you have your whole life ahead of you.
Well, Marge Maggie was very young.
It's not like we got so attached to her.
Marge, isn't life funny? One day, they're babies the next thing you know, they're off on their own.
[ Doorbell ] Did you report a lost baby? Yes.
Uh, she's small she's a girl-- Bingo! Oh, Maggie! Not so fast.
You're wanted on three counts of criminal neglect.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! [ Embarrassed Chuckling ] Shucks.
Just don't do it again, you big lug.
[ Grunting ] You're not going anywhere.
[ Grunting ] Hi! Did you miss me? [ All Talking At Once ] [ Homer] Never leave again! Never leave again! Never leave again.
I missed you too.
[ Marge ] From now on, I hope you'll help me out.
You got it, sweetheart.
You have enough blanket? Well, I could use a little more.
And sometimes, I want a little time to myself and I expect you-- [ Bart ] Mom I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about.
Now, let's just try and get a little shut-eye.
[ All Sighing ] Shh!