Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
8F09 - Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
And mild enough to use daily.
Isn't life grand? What's wrong, sir? Did I get some in your eyes? The shampoo specifically said, ''No more tears.
'' A lovely promise but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.
There's something you're not telling me.
Perhaps you'd talk to Snappy the alligator? Maybe.
Snappy, it's hard to imagine but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan.
I dreamed of grand slam home runs and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen.
There's still time for that.
Is there? Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress.
So you feel resentful towards the plant.
Yes, exactly! You know, maybe it's time I sold the old girl.
[ Gasps ] [ Humming ] Mmm! Hmm?! D'oh! Ohh, what do they want? Maybe a nap will boost my spirits.
I'll get that whale song cassette you like, sir.
Oh, it's not fair! [ Crying ] I know how you feel, Simpson.
I've never seen Mr.
Burns so depressed.
People think because he's rich and powerful and cruel he doesn't have feelings, but he does.
I bet he wouldn't sell the plant for $1 00 million.
Ooh, that's a lot of money.
D'oh! Uh Mr.
Smithers do you have change for a dollar? Good, good-- try to eat something.
[ Ringing ] Homer Simpson here.
It's your stockbroker.
Your stock in the plant just went up for the first time in ten years.
I own stock? All employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.
So, how much did it go up? The book says to make small talk before getting down to business.
- Everybody alive? - Yeah.
- Like any sports? - Sure.
- Ever go dancing? - Not anymore.
- We should get together sometime.
- That'd be great.
Now we trust each other.
Well, how are you? [ Hacking ] Near death! I renew my notary license on a weekly basis.
So what's my stock up to? Let me punch that up on the computer.
Uh 25� a share.
[ Homer] What should I do? Let me put it this way-- you'll get $25 if you sell now.
Sell! Sell! Sell! Whoo-hoo! Twenty-five dollars! Ooh! Mmm hot wax.
##Fight, fight, fight fight, fight, fight ## # The Itchy & Scratchy Show # [ Humming ] [ Screaming ] Mmm.
[ Laughing ] Bart, turn to the Financial Channel.
Aunt Patty says our stock is skyrocketing.
Unconfirmed takeover rumors have pushed Burns Worldwide from 1 /8 to 52 and a quarter.
[ Gasping ] Your father's stock is worth $5,200! Wow! 5,200 smackers! Oooh! Ahhh [ Laughing ] Hey, Homer.
Want a Duff? No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K.
Duff's Private Reserve.
[ Gasping ] Are you sure? 'Cause once I open the bottle, there's no refund.
For your information I just made a cool $25 playing the market.
Buy low, sell high-- that's my motto.
I may quit my job at the power plant and become a full-time stock market guy.
Have a Duff, boys! [ German Accent ] Oh, thank you.
My English is not perfect, but I have to tell you your beer is like swill to us.
Only a swine would drink this beer.
Thank you, anyway.
You aren't from around here, are you? We are from Germany.
He is from the east; I am from the west.
I had a big company, he had a big company.
Now we have a very big company.
We want to buy the power plant.
Would your owner ever sell it? Well, I happen to know he won't sell it for less than $1 00,000,000.
Ein, zwei, drei, vier, funf Oh, don't worry.
We'll have enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
It's the miracle we've been waiting for.
What are we spending it on? Homer's probably buying some magic beans with it.
We'll have a savings account.
We've never had one.
Kids, I think everything is going to be okay from now on.
Hey, hey! Oh, Homer! You heard? We heard.
Isn't it wonderful? We have some great plans for that money.
I'm afraid I had some great plans too.
What do you mean? I spent it on beer.
You spent $5,200 on beer?! $5,200? What are you talking about? What? [ Screams ] I sold it all for 25 bucks! [ Grunts ] - Oww! - Come on, everybody.
It makes you feel better.
Did you buy this car with your stock money? Sure did, and the great thing about it is everybody got rich.
For once us working stiffs got a break.
[ Moans ] Wait till you see Lenny.
He just got back from the plastic surgeon.
Lenny, looks like you got the works.
It started as an eye tuck, but the stock kept climbing.
Burns is on TV.
Burns? Here, Mr.
We've heard a German consortium offered to purchase the plant.
Any comments? You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen before you'll see Germans running my plant! Then why are you meeting with them? So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say, ''Nein.
!'' [ Speaking German ] You never cease to amaze me, sir.
Hmm? Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [ Clears Throat ] I grudgingly accept.
[ Playing German Polka Music ] Now, don't worry.
You'll find these two gentlemen are as American as apple pie.
Hans and Fritz-- Why, that's justJohn and Frank.
Ich bin ein Springfielder.
They'll bring their own people in.
This ain't good.
We could all lose our jobs.
Look at all those worried faces except for Lenny.
He looks great.
This is the worst day of my life.
Those Germans can't fire me.
I'm the only one who can unjam the rod dissociator.
They can't fire me.
I run the gaseous contaminant particularifier.
They can't fire me.
- Why? - Why? 'Cause [ Man ] Guten morgen.
I am Horst.
I'm speaking with you because I am the most nonthreatening.
Perhaps I remind you of lovable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes.
Yeah, he does.
What is the best way to an efficient plant? - I don't know.
- Well, uh Search me.
Happy workers who feel secure at their jobs-- So let's get to know each other better.
Do we have any alcoholics among us? Uh me.
I'm drunk right now.
You'll be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility in Hawaii after which you'll return at full pay.
- Oh, great! - Great.
Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor.
We cannot uber-emphasize the importance of employee safety.
We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector.
[ Homer] Yeah, sock it to 'em, Horst! Psst.
Aren't you the safety inspector? D'oh! Mm-hmm-hmm mm-hmm That's one big check.
You look sharp today, sir.
You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr.
You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr.
That was a gutsy decision, sir.
[ Burns ] Smithers, come here.
I wanted to give you something and I know you wanted this photo of Elvis and me.
He was good to his mother.
Yes, but I couldn't understand a word that man said.
[ With Elvis Drawl ] ''Mr.
Burns [ Mumbling ] hound dog.
'' Stop it.
You're killing me, sir.
Sir, what will you do next? I'll get that new hip I've been hankering for.
Then, who knows? Beekeeping? Boxing? Bocce ball? The world is my oyster, Smithers.
Lisa, your father needs your help.
Do you know anything about Germany? Well, it's a country in Europe.
An economic power of the world.
Because we send them money? [ Laughing ] No.
They're efficient and punctual, with a strong work ethic.
D'oh! Oh, woe is me.
Homie, come to bed.
Oh, Marge, I'm going to be fired.
I know it.
Whatever happens, we'll pay the bills somehow.
Marge, it's not the money.
My job is my identity.
If I'm not a safety ''whatchamajigger,'' I''m nothing.
Well, if you can't sleep why don't you do something constructive? Ooh Battlestar Galactica.
! [ Groaning ] Fit, damn you! Fit! [ Grunting ] There.
[ Snoring ] Yo, Homer, you got to get ready for work.
What? What am I gonna-- [ Gasps ] Hey, you! Stop being so unsafe! Smitty safen up.
Could we have a word? No.
I must have phrased that badly.
My English is inelegant.
I meant to say may we have a brief, friendly chat? No.
''We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
'' Nooo! You've been safety inspector for two years.
What initiatives have you spearheaded? Uh all of them? I see.
Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well.
I sure do! Such as? Well, uh I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills because a lot of workers really like candy.
We understand, Homer.
After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
[ Skipped item nr.
321 ] [ Barking, Yipping ] Wow chocolate, half-price! # La la la-la-la-la-la # Mr.
# La-la-la-la-la # Mr.
Simpson? Huh? Oh, sorry.
We were talking about chocolate? That was ten minutes ago.
I think I did pretty good in there.
Yeah, those Germans aren't so bad.
Sure, they've made mistakes in the past, but that's why pencils have erasers.
We have completed our evaluation.
We regret to announce the following layoffs which I will read in alphabetical order.
That is all.
[ Disappointed Meow ] Ay, caramba.
! Bart, Lisa did a wonderful job on my hair.
And we saved $40 for the family.
We all have to pull together till your father gets a new job.
I made some soap by squeezing soap slivers together.
That's very clever.
Instead of buying comic books, I read them in the store.
You shouldn't do that.
My jump rope broke, but I tied it together.
I didn't take a bath today and may not take one tomorrow.
I want you to take baths, Bart.
Lousy German know-it-alls.
Who are they to say I'm not safe? Oh, what's the matter with this thing? No problems here.
That's right, Burnsie.
Keep your wrist supple.
Throw it, don't aim it.
[ Grunting ] [ Laughing ] This is my park.
Get out! It was worth it.
This place has gone to hell.
It's obscene what they did to your office.
You caught me at a bad time.
But my folk guitar class has been canceled.
Would you like to get together for a drink? Would I?! I got to go.
See you at 6:00.
[ Bell Clangs ] You're going down, my friend.
Yes, sir, Mr.
That shouldn't be.
Ach du lieber.
! Raccoons! That's right.
Gather the nectar, my little drones and make the honey-- honey for your children.
Fools! [ Maniacal Laughter] Ready for that drink, sir? Just a second.
Let me introduce you to the gang.
That's Buzz, that's Honey.
And you see that queen? Her name is Smithers.
That's very flattering, but we should go.
Several bees are stinging me.
[ Moe ] Moe's Tavern.
I'm looking for a Mrs.
O'Problem, first name: Bea.
Uhjust a minute, I'll check.
Uh Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys.
Do I have a Bea O'Problem here? You sure do.
[ Laughing ] Oh! It's you, isn't it? [ Bart Laughing ] When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.
[ Laughing ] Bart, I want you to go down to Moe's Tavern.
I need you to bring your father home.
[ Gulp ] [ Snoring ] Excuse me.
I'm looking for Wait a minute.
I know that voice.
If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years.
That's my pop.
Oh, little Bart.
We hear all about your monkeyshines.
Bet you get into all kinds of trouble he don't even know about.
Am I right? Well, I make some crank phone calls.
Aw, ha-ha, that's great! Ha-ha-ha! Hey, would you sing that old song you used to sing for me? Moe, for you, anything.
[ Burns ] Look.
! A blue-collar bar.
Oh, Smithers, let's go slumming.
[ Cheering ] Encore! He's a pip, this one is.
Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned.
Hold your nose, Smithers.
We're going in.
[ Cheering ] Watch me blend in.
Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here.
I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile.
Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Homer Simpson.
Sector sieben-gruben-- I mean, sector 7-G.
I lost my job so you could have another $1 00 million! Does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue? Yes.
Let me ask you this: Does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? Why, no.
And does it ever say ''I love you''? No, it doesn't.
# Nobody loves you # # Nobody loves you You're old and you're ugly # Way to go, Homer! Good heavens, Smithers.
They're not afraid of me anymore.
Burns, did you get that letter I sent? Letter? I don't recall-- That's because I forgot to stamp it! [ Loud Laughter] Ah, that kid slays me.
That was no accident.
Let's get out of here.
# Na na nah nah # # Na na nah nah # #Wa-a-ave # # Good-bye # What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man? I've got to get my plant back.
[ Scream ] Gott in himmel.
! Who'd have thought a nuclear plant could be such a death trap? It will cost another 1 00 million just to bring it up to code.
Please sell me my plant back.
I'll pay anything.
What a happy coincidence! You are desperate to buy, and we are desperate to sell.
Desperate, eh? Advantage: Burns.
This is my offer.
You'll find it's most unfair, but those are the breaks.
But this is half of what we paid you.
That's my final offer.
Take it or leave it.
All right, Mr.
Burns, you win.
But beware-- we Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
[ Sarcastic ] Ooh, the Germans are mad at me.
I'm so scared.
Ooh, the Germans! Stop it.
The Germans are coming after me.
Stop the pretending you are scared game.
They're so big.
Stop it, Mr.
Protect me from the Germans! Stop it! Get out! This is my office now! Get out! You too! This is a place of business, not a peewee flophouse! [ Crying ] Your orders, sir.
Restore my office, cancel all repairs and rehire that chap who sassed me in the bar.
Homer Simpson? But why? Smithers, I keep my friends close and my enemies even closer.
He'll slowly regain his confidence as the months and years drift by blissfully unaware that the sword of Damocles is dangling just above his head.
[ Skipped item nr.
521 ] [ Grunts ] Whoo-hoo! I got my job back! Shh!