The Simpsons Episode Scripts

8F08 - Flaming Moe's

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] ## [Jazzy Solo ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.

[ Rock And Roll Instrumental Theme Playing ] Wow.


Tonight we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard Fire.

and still burning strong.

We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.

He's not so fat.

And we visit with heavyweight champion Dredrick Tatum who reminisces about growing up in Springfield.

It was a dump.

If you see me there, you know I [ Bleeped ] up bad.

But first, part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini.

[ Rock And Roll Instrumental ] Whoa-- T and A! Why are you still up? - Lisa's slumber party.

- [ Girls Giggling ] Who can sleep with those five evil hens cackling and plotting against me? They've got better things to talk about than you.

Sheesh, what an ego.

Lisa, your brother is so gross.

You should smell his room.

[ Giggling ] Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes that's what your husband's job will be.

It's a mop.

My husband will be a janitor.

That looks like an Olympic torch to me.

He could be an athlete and go on to have a great acting career.

It's a dustpan.

The wax never lies.

[ Girl ] Let's play truth or dare.

Truth or dare! Truth or dare! I'll take dare.

I dare you to kiss Lisa's brother.

[ All ] Eww!! [ Humming ] What the.


? Aaaaahh! I'm telling mom and dad.

Who? [ Both ] Mom and dad.

[ Girls ] Jinx! #You can't talk till somebody says your name # [ Giggling ] Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets to brush! What is it, boy? [ Grunting ] Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.

[ Grunts ] Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad? Because I'm jinxed, damn it! Ow! What was that for? You spoke while you were jinxed so I get to punch you.

Sorry, it's the law.

[ Girls Giggling ] There he is.

Let's give him a makeover.

Run for it, boy! [ Chase Music Playing ] Get him! Get him! Get him! [ Grunting ] [ Whirring ] [ Whirring ] Aaaaahh! [ Gulps ] Oof!.

Come here, Maggie.

Huh?! That's it, I'm out of here.

Hiya, Homer.

[ Sighing ] What's the matter, Moe? Oh, business is slow.

People are healthier and drinking less.

If it wasn't for the junior high school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Yeah, things are tough.

Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants.

Got a beer? Yeah, sure.

Oh, sorry.

I forgot we're out of beer.

Aahh! I got behind on my beer payments.

The distributor cut me off and I spent my last ten grand on the love tester.

[ Slurping ] You're too late, Homer.

Barney sucked it dry.

Cut his gums up pretty bad.

Ohh! Take it easy, Homer.

I learned how to make other drinks at bartender's school.

Gin and tonic? Do they mix? Hey, I know a good drink.

Really hits the spot.

I invented it myself.

One night, Marge's beastly sisters were showing slides from their vacation.

And this is Patty trying to plug her razor into those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.

As you can see, we never got the hang of it.

Ay, caramba! As I stared at that hairy drumstick I knew I needed a drink.

Patty, Selma, would you excuse me for a moment? If you're going for a beer, this is the last one.

D'oh! I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.

In my haste I had grabbed a bottle of the kids'cough syrup.

It passed the first test-- I didn't go blind.

They say everyone can float in the Dead Sea but Selma sank right to the bottom.

[ Homer] Huh?! I don't know the scientific explanation but fire made it good.

Sounds like one hell of a drink.

What do you call it? A Flaming Homer.

Why don't you make us up a couple of Flaming Homers? You got any cough syrup? Let me check the lost and found.

Bowie knife, troll doll glass eye [ Shattering ] Oh, here we are.

It's not without it's charm.

Try lighting it on fire.

Hmm?! Wow! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.

Hey, your love tester's busted.

I want my nickel back.

[ Coughing ] Hey, buddy, have one on the house.

Hey, this drink is delicious and my phlegm feels looser.

What do you call it? It's called a Flaming Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe.

That's right, a Flaming Moe.

My name is Moe, and I invented it.

What are you looking at, Homer? It's a Flaming Moe.

- Oh! - Oh! Hey, what's this? A sneeze guard.

[ Sneezes ] Wow, it really works! It hasn't been this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.

Think my drink had something to do with it? Who can say? It's probably a combination of things.

Another pitcher of Flaming Moes.

I hate this joint, but I love that drink.


I couldn't help noticing your sign.

You mean, '' Bartenders Do It 'Til You Barf''? Above that store-bought drollery.

Why don't we fill out an application.

I'll need your name, measurements, and turn-ons.

You expect me to tell you that? You could, but I find this way is much more accurate, and fun.

Ugh! What salary do you offer? Minimum wage and tips.

Of course, there are fringe benefits.

Such as? An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe.

I'd prefer to vacation someplace hot.

- Whoo! - Ha-ha! - Ow! - Whoo! I like your moxie, kid.

You're hired.

You shan't regret this.

Methinks I shan't.

Are you the genius behind the Flaming Moe? - Yes, I - I'm your man.

I work for Tipsy McStagger's good time drinking and eating emporium.

Oh, yeah? Hey, what's Mr.

McStagger really like? Tipsy McStagger is just a composite of other successful logos.

You tell him for me that he makes one great mozzarella stick.

Yes, I will.

I've got a proposition for you.

Your Flaming Moe is perfect for our chain.

We want to buy the recipe.

It's not for sale.

Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? Uh figure of speech.

Sorry, Harv.

[ Chuckles ] I'll be back.

Good for you, Moe.

Only an idiot would give away a million-dollar idea like that.


[ Martin ] The next time you use a gas chromatograph remember to thank Mr.





Brilliant, Martin.

Once again you've wrecked the grading curve.

I pity the student who has to follow you.

Bart Simpson, you're next.

''The Inventor I Admire'' by Bart Simpson.

The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man, or even a smart man.

He's my father, Homer Simpson creator of # Dun-da-da-dah # The Flaming Homer! The Flaming Homer? You mean the Flaming Moe and your dad didn't invent it, you wuss.

Moe the bartender did.

Everyone knows that.

It's not true.

My father invented it.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Are those liquor bottles? I brought plenty.

Take those to the teachers' lounge.

[Jazzy Rock Music Playing ] [ Crowd Talking ] Hey, Bernard! Good evening, Krusty.

Nice to see you, Bernard.

Thank you very much.

- Krusty, over here! - Krusty, one more! [Jazzy Rock Music Continues ] Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day.

Sir, this is Veteran's Day.

It can be two things.

Mom, instead of milk, can I have a virgin Moe? [ Growling ] Honey, what's wrong? I'll tell you what.

That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe I gave him.

[ Whistling ] Take that off this second.


Homey, why don't you go to Moe's and talk to him? I bet he'd share some of his success with you.


Marge, I'm too upset to eat.

I think I'll go to Moe's.

D'oh! [ Crowd Buzzing ] Oh! Hey! Can I help you? I need to see Moe.

Your name's not on the list.

I never gave it.

What is it? Homer Simpson.

Not on the list.

We're all filled up.

File off!.

Some new buddies of mine stopped by tonight.

Maybe we can get them to come up here.

How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for Aerosmith! [ Girls Squeal ] Nah.

We're just hanging out.

Come on.

Free pickled eggs.

- All right! - Yeah! Hello, St.

Louis! That's Springfield, Steven.

Oh, yeah.


Are you ready to rock? [ All ] Yeah! I said, are you ready to rock! [ All ] Yeah! Hit it! [ Playing Intro To ''Walk This Way'' ] [ Grunting ] Barney? Hi, Homer.

I want you to meet my friends Armando and Raffi.

[ Grumbling ] Hey, Moe, come on.

Get up here.

[ Audience Cheering ] Do you want to ignite my drink? You're my kid's teacher.

Single parent, are we? No.

Let's pretend you are.

Get away from me.

Hey, Moe! Homer, how about a beer? I'd rather have a Flaming Homer.

A what? Oh, I get it.

How could you do this to me? This bar was going under, and my drink saved it.

My face should be on that crappy merchandise.

Morris, is what this man says true? It's hard to say.

He may have come up with the recipe but I came up with the idea of charging 6.


[ Phone Rings ] Uhp-- telephone.

Flaming Moe's.

I'm looking for a friend.

Last name:Jazz.

First name: Hugh.

Hold on.

I'll check.

Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass.

I'm Hugh Jazz.


This is Hugh Jazz.

Uh hi.

Who's this? Bart Simpson.

What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now.

Better luck next time.

Hmm, what a nice young man.

I'm sorry you're mad, but this isn't personal.

This is business.

Business, eh? Well, you just lost yourself a customer.

What? I couldn't hear you.

I said, you just lost a customer! - What? - You just lost a customer! You'll have to speak up.

You lost yourself a customer, Moe! I forced myself to what? You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow.

You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it.

[ Crowd Shouting Drink Orders ] [ Cheers Style Theme Music Intro Playing ] [ All ] Barney! How's the world treating you? [ Belches ] Hey, there! What can I do for you, Harv? Tipsy McStagger would like to buy your drink.

[ Gasps ] He's here? No.

My company is willing to do what it takes to get that recipe.

We're prepared to offer you $1 million.

[ Customers Gasp ] Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before it ain't for sale.

Don't be stupid! We have a lab for this.

We've figured it out, except for one ingredient.

Brace yourselves, gentlemen.

According to the gas chromatograph the secret ingredient is love?! Who's been screwing with this thing? I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me.

- Sign here.

- [ Nervous Laugh ] I got hooked on this in the service.

[ Siren Blaring ] [ Homer] Ah! My new watering hole.

Yeah, what do you want?! A beer.

Okay, then.

Can I have a clean glass? [ Growls ] Here you go, Your Majesty.

Next on Eye on Springfield a toast to Moe, wizard of Walnut Street.

[ Moe ] The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the czar.

So, Mr.

Hutz, does my husband have a case? I'm sorry, Mrs.

Simpson but you can't copyright a drink.

[ Moaning ] Ohh! This goes back to the '7 8 Frank Wallbanger case.

How about that? I looked something up.

These books don't just make the office look good.

They're filled with useful legal tidbits.

Stupid Moe.

Non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed maybe you can take consolation in that something you created [ Skipped item nr.

422 ] I'm the magical man from happy land in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane.

Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Well, duh! Now, that's what I call a happy hour.

[ Deep Sigh ] Morris, something troubles me.

My mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.


I was thinking about Homer Simpson.

That's okay.

I was thinking about Sybil Danning.

I meant, I think you should sell your drink and give half the money to Homer.

But, honey He's your friend, Morris and you took advantage of him.

All right.

All right.

I'll split the million with Homer.

Jeepers, Mary and Joseph! I sleep with a chick once it costs me half a million bananas.

Moe, Moe, Moe Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today? Okay, but you promised me Moe money.

I Moe, I Moe.

Moe, Moe, Moe When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies for the Moetinee? Of course.

All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe? Moe Moe Moe.

Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe.

Moe Moe Moe Moe.


Moe, Moe Moe Moe, Moe Moe.

Moe, Moe Hey, Homer.

Hey, Homer.

Hey, Homer.

Hey, Homer.

- Hey, Homer.

- Hey, Homer.

Hey, Homer.

- Hey, Homer.

- Hey, Homer.

Aaaaahh! - Hey, Homer.

- Hey, Homer.

Hiya, Homer! What's the matter? Aaaaaaahhh! [ Audience Cheering ] Hey, where's Joey? [Joey ] Mrs.

Krabappel I really need my drumsticks.

Come and get 'em! You're going to be a rich man, Moe.

The way we usually work is to steal the recipe and run the inventor out of business.

Ah, c'est la vie.

[ Fiendish Echoing Laughter ] What the.


? [ Fiendish Laughing ] Fools! You poor, pathetic misguided creatures choking down Flaming Moes all the time wondering, '' How does he do it?'' Well, I'm going to tell you.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! The secret ingredient is Homer, no! Cough syrup.

Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup.

[ Laughs Maniacally ] Shoot.

Thank you, Mr.


Got to go, Moe.

Tough luck.

Aaaaaaaahhh! Holy cow, you just fell on Aerosmith! [ Moe ] Hey, Homer.

Come in here.

Hi, Moe.

Where's your waitress? She left to pursue a movie career.

Frankly, I think she was better off here.

Moe, sorry I lost you hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Oh, hey, hey.

Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.

I guess so.

Compliments of the house-- One Flaming Homer.

[ Homer ] Aw, thanks, Moe.

You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.

Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight? [ Moe ] I doubt it.

- [ People Chattering ] - Shh!