The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF07 - Grift of the Magi

[ Chorus ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Marge Grunts ] - [ Homer Groaning ] Get me down! Our top story: The ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.

Whoo! Springfield rocks! Residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy.

Experts recommend a class nine or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.

[ Milhouse] Help! Somebody! [ Whimpering ] [ Whimpering ] Let me in, for the love of- - [ Groaning ] - Are you okay? I've been better.

- Oh, I am so bored.

- [ Groans ] I can't wait till we're teenagers.

Then we'll be happy.

Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam.

Or The Game of County Seats.

Aw, the zoning disk is warped.

All right! Silly String! [ Laughs ] Look.

You're Milhouse.

Who wets their bed now, Milhouse? [ Laughs ] I'll be in my room It's got to be something fun in my parents closets You want to dress up like ladies? Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of fruity? What's the matter? Scared you might like it? I'll show you who's scared.

Oh, wow.

This really hides my thighs.

[ Purrs ] [ Both Laughing ] [ Together] Sisters are doing it for themselves - [ Knocking ] - [ Homer] Hey, why is this door locked? - Oh, no.

It's Dad.

[ Groans ] - [ Bone Cracks ] [ Groans ] [ Gasps ] What's going on? And I want a non gay explanation! Uh, we're drunk.

Really drunk.

- Oh, thank God! - [ Groaning ] - [ Beeping ] - Clear.

Why are you doing that? Oh, it's good for the batteries.

Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx.

[ All Laughing ] Sorry.

How long will he take to recover? He'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time.

But don't worry, son.

It fits snuggly under your clothes.

Do all these people have to watch me? Now, son, this is a teaching hospital which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window.

- Oh, my.

Oh, now that's something.

- He should exercise more.

[ Grunting ] Uh, little help.

[ Skinner] Bart, stop fooling around.

Principal Skinner, I thought public schools were required to have access ramps for the disabled.

Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical.

Did I hear the word ''astronomical''? If so, my construction outfit, Valdazo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help.

No, no, no, no.

We're not building anything.

How can you say that when construction has already begun? - [ Tires Screech ] - [Jackhammer Rounding ] How did those trucks get here so fast? In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling.

- Now for the groundbreaking ceremony.

- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] [Jackhammer Rounding ] Good Lord.

Do we really need all those ramps? Who's to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers? - Look.

You're getting a little philosophical for me.

- I suppose so.

They say it happens in the autumn years.

- Be that as it may- - Get your hand off my car.

- [ Whimpers ] - [ Squeaks ] This is a proud day.

Now, when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975 I can say, ''We are closer than ever before!'' [ Cheering ] Thank you.

To inaugurate our ramp system here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson.

I'm proud of you, boy.

- What the- - Bart, where's your wheelchair? Don't need it anymore.

Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever.

[ Grunting ] Ta-da! Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.

My God! The whole thing's made of breadsticks! And paint and shellac.

It's all itemized in this bill.

$200,000? Are you mad? I don't get mad.

I get stabby.

[ Grumbles ] The good news is we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals.

[ Horn Honks ] But due to lack of funds, Springfield Elementary is closed forever.

[ All ] Yea! Oh, you're cheering now.

But someday you'll- Yea! - I'm just gonna stop trying.

- Yea! - [ Chattering ] - How could you close the school? - What will become of our kids? - Where are the refreshments? You keep asking me that, and I keep telling you over there.

[ Clears Throat ] As for the school we are exploring various options to raise the $200,000 we need.

I've got a motor home I never use.

Maybe we should raffe it off.

- Maybe you should shut up.

- Well, I- Okay.

We could try selling liquor.

Uh, I'm doing great.

Please, sir.

Put some shoes on.

What? You don't like my bags? [ Groans ] People, these are all good ideas- No, they're not.

They're terrible, terrible ideas.

You're right.

It's hopeless.

No one has that kind of money.

What about Mr.

Burns? Maybe he'll help us out.

Forget it.

He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door.

Feed the Children.

Save the Whales.

Even Release the Hounds.

Uh, well, maybe we can pry open his wallet with a slick, professional pitch.

A school play! Welcome to the world premiere of The Nice Man Giveth.

- [ Groans ] Focus! - It's a play, sir.


Which one of these is the salt? Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed.

Oh, well.

No! That's the rat poison! And freeze.

Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth? Oh, it could be anyone.

Even Mr.


This play really speaks to me.

[ Imitating Siren Wailing ] I can't take Mr.

Burns to the ''hospital'' 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map.

Oh, why did my school have to close? - Hmm.

- [ Wheels Squeaking ] Hello.

I'm Dr.


I'm going to take out your liver bones.

[ Grunts ] Oops.

You're dead.

I never liked that Dr.


- Mr.

Burns, I'll be honest.

We had a hidden agenda tonight.

- [ Gasps ] No.

The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school.

Charity, eh? Yes.

I'd be more than happy to- [ All Screaming, Groaning ] Oh, it's doing that thing again.

[ Man Announcing ] We now return to D�nde Est� Justice.

El Ford Escort que me vendi� es un lim�n.

No, no, no, no.

No es un lim�n.

Es un carro fuerte.






Lim�n- ;Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! ;.

Mi est�mago! [ Groans ] Daytime TV is muy est�pido.

Hey, our school's on TV.

Springfield elementary has reopened its doors.

[ Both Gasp ] I'm with Jim Hope of Kid First Industries which has generously stepped in to educate our children.

That's right, Kent.

You know, when public schools drop the ball it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone.

Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators? Very much so, Kent.

But they've already received an extremely generous severance package.

Valencia? [ Scoffs ] These are juice oranges.

Howdy, children.

I'd like to welcome you back to school.

- [ All ] Boo! - You know what? I agree.

- [ All ] Wha- - Your old school was boring.

That's why it failed, right? Well, we're not gonna make you memorize facts and dates.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna find out what you really love in life and teach to that.

- What are you passionate about, partner? - Boogers.

[ All Laughing ] Boogers! [ Laughs ] That was great.

- You know, humor is a sign of intelligence.

- You're not mad? Hey, I'm here to make sure that you get a kick out of education.

- Hi-yah! - [ All Cheering ] He's rekindled my love affair with books.

- [ Thumping ] - [ Bart Grunting ] [ Grunting ] Check it out.

I'm breaking books at a sixth grade level.

- [ Grunts ] - Get 'em, boy.

Hit those smart-ass books.

Why don't you kick some books, Lisa? Bart broke all my books.

You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.

Boy, that sounds fun.

I know.

But I'm still not gonna do it.

Since Christmas is coming soon, I thought we could talk about our favorite toys.

Milhouse, what have you got there? My busy box.

It's got everything.

Vroom, vroom, vroom! I'm calling Daddy.

Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age.

What are you talking about? Oh, geez.

How about the rest of you? What do you like about those toys of yours? - They're special.

- They're challenging.

[ ''Pop Goes The Weasel'' Intro Repeating ] Very good.

Now I want you all to imagine the perfect toy.

- What would it be like? - It should be soft and cuddly.

- Yeah.

With lots of firepower.

- Its eyes should be telescopes.




Microscopes! Can you come back to me? It should be full of surprises.

- It should never stop dancing.

- [ Martin ] It should need accessories.

Now that's market research you can take to the bank- the money bank.

I just wish those second-graders would stop jerking us around.

- Fun toys are fun.

- Well said, Ralph.

But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy.

- Mrs.

Fun? - Not bad.

- Fun? - Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you an ''F.

'' The before teacher yelled at me too.

No one's yelling.

We're just brainstorming names.

Lisa, any ideas? Oh.

Uh, a name with fun? Um, Fungus, Funzo, Attila the Fun.

- Lisa, are you doing math? - Uh,just a few Venn diagrams.

There's more under her chair.

[ Chuckles ] Lisa in trouble.

Ha! The ''ironing'' is delicious.

- The word is ''irony.

'' - Huh? Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil from Marketing.

Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight A's, and that ain't not bad.

- [ Laughs ] - That's not funny.

Huh? [ Gasps ] They're spying on us.

Why would they do that? - [ Computerized Male Voice] I see you.

- [ Gasps ] Give me a hug.

[ Screams ] This better be important, Lisa.

I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub.

[ Ralph ] Daddy, I'm ready to get out now.


This broom closet is not what it seems.

It's a secret surveillance room guarded by a tiny evil robot.

[ Groans ] Is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's normal and we think you're crazy, but then there really is a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane? Is that what this is, Lisa? To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.

Listen, when you see what's inside this- [ Gasps ] I don't understand.

I could swear it was right here.

Yeah, right, mop top.

And I'm Ed Sullivan.

[ Clears Throat ] ''Really big show.

'' No, no.

I can do it better.

[ Imitating Ed Sullivan ] ''Really big show.

Really big.

'' That's it.

[ Imitating Ed Sullivan ] ''Really big show.

Really big.

'' That's it.

Hello folks! That's the end of Krusty's Non- Denominational Holiday Funfest I want to thank my guests, T�a Leoni - Beck- - ?? [ Hip-hop Drumbeat ] - The Dixie Chicks- - Merry Christmas, y'all.

and Patrick Ewing as the genie.

So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah ''kwazy'' Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.

Now a word from my god, our sponsor.

- [ Computerized Male Voice] I see you.

- [ Gasps ] - Aw! - Give me a hug.

[ Gasps ] That's the doll that attacked me.

[ Man Announcing ] This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo.

''Funzo''? I said that name in class.

- Funzo's soft and cuddly.

- With lots of firepower.

- Ow.

[ Groans ] - Yes! Ha-ha! [ Announcer] Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'.

Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.

Bart, they lied to us.

Instead of giving us an education they tricked us into designing a toy.

- Aren't you outraged? - No.

- But if you're gonna throw a spaz, I'll come with.

- Good.

Saddle up the bikes.

[ Electricity Crackling ] Get down.

Security guard.


It's Gary Coleman.

But the menu said ''galaxy of prawns.

'' Three prawns are hardly a galaxy.

What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr.


- I want to see how this turns out.

- The phone's not even plugged in.

All right.

You listen to me, Quan.

Hang on.

I got another call.

Yes, Mr.


I can be in Washington right away.

You people took advantage of trusting school children.

How did you get past Gary Coleman? Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.

[ Shouting ] I'm sorry, Gary.

There's no longer a place for you here.

What you talkin' about, Miss Nagel? That is so adorable.

You're rehired.

Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about.

[ Snoring ] Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute try to see this from a product positioning standpoint.

Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children for children, with all the profits going to children.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, we're all somebody's children.

But hey, we did screw you a little.

So here's a free Funzo.

- Deal! Ha.

- Oh, brother.

And I want Funzo's Dream Fortress Funzo's Lower Back Pain Chair Funzo's European Voltage Converter- - Why not get three? - [ Gasps ] Three it is.

Thanks, Funzo.

You rock.

All righty.

[ Dance ] It's always a party with Funzo.

I admit it's kind of cute.

But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.

[ Stops ] [ Gasps ] Did you see that? Yeah.

Funzo makes playtime fun! [ Krusty's Voice ] Hey, kids.

It's- [ Groaning ] Hey.

Why is it destroying other toys? They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.

- You mean like Microsoft? - Exactly.

Come on, Bart.

We've gotta warn everyone.

[ Dance Music, Vocalizing ] Boycott Funzo! He's a toy-killing machine! [ Chuckles ] That shy little imp? I have a flower for 'ou.

- [ All ] Aw.

- Oh, man.

I gotta get me one of those.

Hey, I'm not waiting till the store opens.

[ All Shouting ] Wow.

Only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash.

That projects to a profit of $370 million.

I'd still sleep a little easier if I saw some trampling.

- [ All Shouting ] - Ow, ow, ow! Hey! Ow! Now why would you wear cleats to a store? [ Glasses Clink ] Well, I guess that's it.

Come Christmas Eve, there'll be a Funzo under every tree.

Unless- - So who am I beating up? - Nobody.

You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.

Thus saving Christmas.

Now let's see.

This'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined.

- Two were kind of a draw.

- Dad.

Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk.

- Oh! Sorry.

- [ Cat Screeches ] [ Doorbell Rings ] Joy to the world The Lord is come ? Let earth receive her king - [ BellJingles ] - ? Let every ?? Season's greetings.

- Peace out.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Silent night - [ Loud Crash ] - [ Singing Louder] ? Holy night ? - [ Screaming ] - ? All is calm ? All is bright Rou- [ Dance ] - All righty.

Writhing Funzos in my sack Makes me happy Makes me hurt my back Just dump 'em in the fire, Dad.


The madness ends here.

Oh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

[ Grunting ] - [ All Whirring ] - ?? [ Dance ] I'm very mad at 'ou.

[ Groans ] [ All Gasp ] Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster.

[ Gasps ] Please, Mr.


We can explain.

- I'm listening.

- Your toy company is evil.

Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy? Are you saying the end justifies the means? That's a very glib interpretation.

Hey! Don't talk to my sister that way.

No, Bart.

He's right.

I did oversimplify.


But let's not get bogged down in semantics.

I think what Lisa meant to say is- [ Man Narrating ] And so, Gary Coleman and the Simpsons argued long into the night.

And then, as day broke the spirit of the season entered their hearts.

Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is, at best, a mixed blessing.


- Indeed.


- Yeah.


Love! Hey.

Look out! [ Shouts ] Well, there's something you don't see every Christmas.


It is Christmas.

We better get home.

Hey, Dad.

What do you think of- [ Whispering ] Um, uh, Mr.

Coleman, I've been thinking.

Uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet ''potaters'' and all.

And- Oh, heck.

Would you like to spend Christmas with us? No way.

I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house.

- Gary.

- All right.

I'll come.

[ Narrator] And Gary Coleman was as good as his word.

As for old Mr.

Burns, he was visited by three ghosts during the night and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants.

Thank you.

Thank you.


[ Narrator] While Moe, seeing what the world would be like if he had never been born pulled his head out of the oven and replaced it with a plump Christmas goose.

[ Grunts ] Happy holidays there.

[ All ] Merry Christmas, Moe.

Uh, listen.

I kind of banged up that Jeep in the driveway.

What you talkin' about, Moe? [ All Laughing ] What you talkin' 'bout, everyone? - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!