The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF05 - Take My Wife, Sleaze

[ Chorus ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] ?? [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Shout ] [ Man On TV] Tonight on Guinness Book of World Records- A man who holds the current record for least amount of faces, with none! Help me! You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor! Ew! These records used to be real accomplishments.

Now they're just gross.

Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything.

Then three other things.

When we come back, we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach.

What an age we live in.

Oh, look at all that Sweet'N Low! Hey, remember the '50s?.

Remember television, Coca-Cola and Dick Clark?.

[ Gasps ] I remember television! Come join me, WolfguyJack at Greaser's Cafe where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby.

[Announcer]Actual year may vary, Consult calendar for current year, - A '50s-style restaurant.

- What a neat idea.

- Why don't we eat there tonight?.

- Nah.

We'll go next month.

Lucille You don't do your daddy's will? Ow [ Women Scream ] - [ Women Scream ] - [ Gasps ] Hmm.

Dennis the Menace? Yes.

I was America's bad boy.

- I once hid my dad's hat! [ Chuckling ] - Uh-huh.

And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr.

Wilson's flower bed.

That was a two-part episode.

I have to go.

California, here we come! It is not a real car Grandpa Allen Gaines Burgers "Un-American Cheese Sandwich"?.

"Polio Dogs"?.

It's clever how the names remind you of the '50s and at the same time, tell you what there is to eat.



Wow! Look at this old-timey gizmo.

[ Giggling ] I feel like I've gone back in a time machine.

Dad, they have those everywhere.

What an age we live in.

[ Chuckling ] [Howling] [ Coughing ] Oh, man! Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.


Is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest?.

- Dancing?.

- Oh, no! You're not gettin' me on that dance floor! Don't try and make me.

If I have to get a divorce, I will! Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle, [ Gasping, Shouting ] I need a dance partner! What about you? Okay Dare to go Hey Hey Set your socks hot up and your toody to poody Here we go with "Mental House Rock" by Johnny Bobby.

Doctors threw a party at the loony bin You gotta be crazy if you want to get in Napoleon is playing has imaginary sax The dance floor's filling up with maniacs Let's rock Do the mental house rock [ Marge Screaming ] [ Homer Screaming ] Let's rock Do the mental house rock Whoa! Wow! A '50s nostalgia cafe.

If you won't dance with the doc - [ Chuckling ] He'll giveyou electric shocks Zap, zap, zap Well, well, well.

I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life.

- You just won yourselves a motorcycle! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-whoo! - [ Cheering ] It's mine! Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m- Get away from it! - [ Muttering ] - Okay, hepcats.

Let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe where the '50s are never goin' away! Well, that dream is over.

At least we still have each other.

Right, honey?.

- Honey?.

- [ Wind Blowing] [ Howling ] [ Coughing ] God! [ Imitating Motorcycle ] Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad.

Why don'tyou just take it for a ride?.

- Promise you won't laugh?.

- Yeah, I promise.

- I don't know how.

- [ Laughing ] You're kidding! [Laughing Continues ] You don't know how! Will you teach me?.

Of course.

[ Man ] You showed me everything Oh,you took me by the hand Puppy dogs and Lincoln Logs And castles made of sand You gave me the courage to spread my newborn wings Spread mayonnaise and marmalade And other spreadable things So I guess you are my hero And there's something you should know I want to make it clear so I'm gonna sing it slow If you weren't a man And my father too I'd buy you a diamond ring And then I'd marry you [ Owl Hooting ] All right, class.

Today we'll be sitting quietly in the dark because teacher has a hangover.

- [ Groans ] It's like a chainsaw in my head! - [ Motorcycle Engine Revving] [ Gasps ] Oh! - Later, Homer.

- Sweet hog, Mr, Simpson, Remember to rebel against authority, kids! - [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Skinner ] Don't listen to him, children.

W-We already did.

Now I can't get it out of my head! - [ Grunts ] - Thankyou, Nelson.

- The sermon today is on John 4:.


- [ Revving ] I think it was Jesus who said "Blessed are those"- Oh, the heckwith it.

Church dismissed.

- [ Cheering ] - [ Bart ] All right.

[Motorcycle Engine Idling] Will you turn that engine off?.

Quiet, Marge.

The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.

- [ Revs ] - I know.

I know.

Just tune her out.

[ Man On TV] And now back to your Tuesday morning movie, [ Revs ] Oh, I don't know what's come overJimmy.

He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt.

He's a rebel, I tell you.

A rebel without a cause.

Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.

Look what you've done to beautiful display! Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge- cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.

When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else?.

- Never, pops.

- That's right! Never! Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.

Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang! A gang.

That's the answer.

- Answer to what?.

- Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.

[ Revving ] [ Sputtering ] If you want to be in the gang, eventually you're gonna have to get motorcycles.

- Yeah, we know.

- Hey, Homer! Can I join?.

This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not "conformos.

" - Yeah! - Buzz off!.

Well, if l were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair.

That guy just don't get it, do he?.

My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table?.

- Bumper pool?.

- I'm there.

The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.

I move we reconsider our club name.

Make it something a little less blasphemous.

After all- [ Chuckles ] we don't want to go to hell.

- How about the Devil's Pals?.

- No.

You see- - Or the Christ Punchers?.

- The Christ- I- I don't think you understand my objection.

I'm the president, and the decision is mine.

We're Hell's Satans.

Besides, I already made our club jackets.

Whoa! "Machine wash warm.

" "Tumble dry.

" Ooh, la, la.

- [ Bell Dings ] - Wait up, guys! I gotta empty my grass bag! "Hell's Satans," huh?.

- I'm watching you punks.

- Can't hassle us, pig.

We're goin' the speed limit.

Oink, oink, oink.

- Yeah, pig.

- Yeah.

Oink, oink, oink.

You'll make a mistake someday.

And then you're going straight to juvie! You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.


I thought you were the Hell's Satans.

[ Mumbles ] Uh- Oink, oink, oink! Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks?.

- [Bell Dings ] - Get away from my store, you young hoodlums! And what if we don't, pops?.

- He's got a broom! - Let's get outta here! - Forget the pennies! Go! Go! - [ Babbling ] You promised me no more brooms.

I know this is not your way.

But we're in America now.

[ Gasps ] They printed my photo of our gang! Carl looks great.

- Can't take a bad picture of that guy.

- [ Gasps ] You took a picture of me when I was asleep?.

Well, if you'd been awake, you would've said no! You can see the bind I was in.

"Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor.

Her turnoffs include underpants, pedestrians and justice.

" - Oh! - [Men Whooping] What in the world?.

[ Shouting ] Whoo! [ Both Gasp ] We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield! You're the Hell's Satans?.

What a fun coincidence.

- My gang's name is also the- - Shut up! - [ Whimpering ] - You stole our club name.

According to our bylaws, we gotta stompyou.

[ Gasps ] - Take offthat jacket, man! - Okay.

- [ Both Gasp ] - Now eat it.

All right.

[ Chewing, Swallowing] Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please.


[ Gulps ] Done.

Okay, Meathook.

I think he learned his lesson.

Oh, man! - Now you gotta eat that too! - Oh! You got anything else with our logo on it?.

Caps and Frisbees, sir.

- You gotta eat them too! - And some pogs.

Me and mybuds just like to go We're havin' fun Everybody knows We don't fuss and we never cry We just groove takin' in the sights Me and the boys - Ew.

just me and the boys You keep it.

Me and the boys I think it's great you've chosen to "crash" here.

But do you have to be so messy?.


It's part of bein' a low life.

[ Groans ] [ Chattering] Hello, police?.

Can you send a SWAT team to 742 Evergreen T- Forget it, Simpson.

Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings.

Lookin' like a pig as I do.

But you have so much inner beauty.

Well, uh, be that as it may uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states.

And we have a little saying around here- "Let Michigan handle it.

" - [ Whooping, Hollering ] - [ Whimpers ] [ Growling ] [ Grunting ] - [ Grunts ] - Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.

- I'd kill for some waffles.

- He has.

- Remember the I HOP in Oakland?.

- [ Laughing ] That's- Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the Dumpsters.

Thankyou, Ramrod.

Marge, how did you get my acket so clean?.

I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out.

I've tried hitting 'em.

I've tried yelling at 'em.

All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease.

Do you have anything thatwill get this emblem back on my jacket?.

- I tried spitting at it, you know, but- -Just put it on my sewing pile.

Okay! I'm doing another load of bandannas! [Humming] Hey! Hey! That's a leave-in conditioner! - You're done.

Next! - [Shuddering] Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard.

Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching.

No, we're not! Okay, bikers, that's it! Benjamin Franklin once said that house guests are like fish at- at- Huh?.

They're gone! Whoo-hoo! And those bikers saw that hard look in my eye- you know that hard look I get sometimes- and they ran away like schoolgirls with their tails between their legs.

[ Mock Laughing ] Way to go, Dad.

Hey, where's the food?.

And why aren't I at school?.


Someone really dropped the ball here.



Dad, there's a note on the back ofyour head.

- Really?.

Read it.

- Hmm.

"Thanks for letting us crash in your pad.

- We had a very nice time.

" - Oh, that's sweet.

- "P.


We've taken your old lady.

" - D'oh! [ Marge Screaming ] Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me?.

Oh, don't worry.

You're completely safe.

None of us find you sexually attractive.

None of you?.


I could've sworn that Ramrod- Hmm.

Did you see that picture of me in- - And you still don't- - Sorry.


Well, good, I guess.

Now don't worry.

I'm gonna search high and low for your mother.

But just in case I don't find her, I want you to contact this agency.

"Korean Love Brides"?.

I just don't want to be alone! [ Rock] - [ Groaning ] [Man Singing] Excuse me.

Has anyone seen a woman wearing- - Hey! [ Stops ] [ Dog Groans ] That's more like it.

I'm looking for- [ Grunts ] Yeah, come on [ Groaning ] Mmm.


I'll showyou! [ Continues ] [ Clears Throat ] Okay.

We kinda got off on the wrong foot there.

Long story short, my "old lady" was- [ Groaning ] What the- Mmm.

Some people never learn.

- [ Punch Lands ] - [ Homer] Ow! All right, Satans! We roll out at dawn.

- Where are we going?.

- To the Bikers'Jamboree in South Dakota.

You'll love it.

Mickey Rourke's comin', and we're gonna jump him.

You know, there's more to life than boozing and rough housing.

[ Together] Huh?.

Haven't any of you ever had a dream?.


I had a dream.

I was in this beautiful garden pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper.

- Then- - No, no.

I mean the dream of a good job a loving family and a home in the suburbs.

Oh, man.

To get all that, you'd have to kill, like, 50 people.


You don't have to kill anyone, not if you have jobs.

And the first step is an eye-catching resume.

- No, I believe it's pronounced "resume.

" - Actually, both are acceptable.


I did see some bikers ride by here with a blue-haired woman about 10 minutes ago.

Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground Section K, Space 217.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

I guess I'll never find her.

[ Revving ] And when you get a job interview try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.

- Makes sense.

- Oh, don't call them skanks.

Uh, Miss Simpson, I killed my pencil.


" You broke your pencil.

I broke him.

That's right.

And what else have we learned?.

Ooh! Ooh! That, uh, violence is wrong.

Excellent, Ramrod.

Civilized people solve their disputes with words.

[ Screams, Shouts ] Homer, stop! No, you don't understand.

[ Shouting ] [ Screaming ] - [ Groans ] - Marge?.

What do we do here, Marge?.

- He's using violence.

- [HomerGrunts ] Talk to him.

Use your words.

- Homer.

Homer, stop it.

- [ Grunting ] We've given up our violent ways.

We justwant to live peacefully with your wife.

No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever! Oh, Homie.

There's only one reasonable way to settle this.

You and me in the circle of death.

Oh! I just swept the circle of death.

- [ Growls ] - [ Purrs ] [ All Chanting ] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! [ Both Shouting, Grunting ] - Huh! - Oh! - [ Gasps ] - [Man ] He's got the wrench! Uh-oh! [ Grunting ] What the- [ Grunting ] [ Shouts, Grunts ] We both knew it would come to this.

You and me, chopper to chopper.

[ Both Shouting, Grunting ] - You know what I'm gonna do after I kill ya?.

- [ Grunts ] Take your wallet.

Never! It was a gift from Newsweek! [ Shouts ] - [ Whimpering] - [ Marge ] Homer! - [ Grunts ] - [ Shouts ] [ Grunting ] Give me back my wife! Okay.


You win.

I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad.

A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles.

- Oh.

- Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Berdoo?.

- What do you say, honey?.

- No! No dice! Good-bye, everybody! - Bye, Mrs.

Simpson! - Bye, Mrs.


- Good-bye, Marge.

- Bye-bye, Mrs.


We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our "resumes.

" "Resumes.

" It still sounds weird to me.

Why are we stopping here?.

Taking care of some unfinished business.

- [Man ] Hey! - [Homer Yelps ] Go! Go! Go! [ The Simpsons Theme ] [Ends ] - Shh!