The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF02 - Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

[Chorus] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Alarm Buzzing ] - Snooze.

Need more snooze.

[ Muttering ] [ Yawns ] Mmm.

- [ Buzzing ] - [ Screams ] Num-num, Maggie! Num-num! Did somebody say, "Num-num"?.

[ Groans ] I can't get Maggie to eat.

May be if you try.

Oh, I'm 26 hours late for work.

No time for Maggie.

Ooh! Where's Waldo?.



This would be a lot easier without all these people.



He's there! Uh, no.

- Homer! - Waldo, where are you?.

[ Whines ] [Door Closes] - [Horns Honking] - [ On Radio ] It is a nightmare out there on the freeways today With surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled With pushy New Yorkers.

- Hey, man! - Hey! How'd you I i ke a Details magazine up the wazoo?.

[ Grunts ] [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, sure.

Single me out.

All right, smart guy.

Where's the fire?.

- Over there.

- [Alarm Blaring] Okay.

You just bought yourself a 3-17: pointing out police stupidity.

Or is that a 3-14 ?.

Nah, nah.

3-14 is a dog, uh- No.

Or is that a 3-15?.

You're in trouble, pal! [Bird Cawing] [ Panting, Chuckling ] I'd hate to see the look on old Burnsie's face if he knew I was just gettin' in.

- [ Giggling ] - [ Clears Throat ] Hmm.

Who is that? Big ugly nose.


Liver spot.

Liver spot.

- Hmm.

- [ Clearing Throat ] - [ Cash Register Dings ] - Turn around, Simpson.

[ Screams ] No! I can't get in trouble if l can't see you! I'm afraid he's got us, sir.

[ Screams ] [Whimpering, Panting ] Ah.

Safe in the core.

And now- [ Gagging ] Oh! - Don't forget the leg protectors, sir.

- Ah, yes.

[ Grunting ] Ow! Yii! Oh! I knew I had those installed for a reason.

- [ Grunts, Gags ] - [ Grunting ] Aw, this is the worst day ever! Hey, Homer.

What gives?.


Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste.


That's rough.

There must be Yeah.

And even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor.

- Hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight?.

- Okay.

[Phone Ringing] Hello?.


Where are you?.

You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie.

Oh, Marge, I'm sorry.

I can't make it.

The cooling tank just blew, and they're taking Lenny to the hospital.

Oh, no! Not Lenny! Not Lenny! Yes, I'm going to have to work late instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want.



Kids, turn off the TV.

I have some bad news about Lenny.

[ Both ] Not Lenny! [ Laughing ] Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard.

[ Both Laughing] Poo.

Uh, Homer.

What wacky name do you want?.

- Are "Poo" and "Ass" taken?.

- Yeah.

Damn! Could my life get any worse?.

Simpson! [ Disgusted Sigh ] Even for a bowler, you're fat.

Hey, guys.

Is it normal to see Burns's face on a bowling ball?.

Ah, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.

Oh, what a rotten day! [ Grunts ] Wow! A strike! Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I takin' these?.

[ Machinery Rattling ] Oh! You're polishing bone! [ Pins Falling] Hey, Homer.

That's four strikes in a row! - You got a perfect game going.

- Really?.

Careful what you say, Lenny.

You'll jinx it.

All right.


Miss! Miss! Sorry.

I Was callin' the Waitress.

Ah, this split you sold me is makin' me choke.

- Lenny! - What?.

I paid 7.

10 for this split.

Will you at least call it a "banana split," you dumb wad?.

Hey, spare me your gutter mouth! Ow.

Ow! Practice ball.

Practice ball.

Real, real, real, real, real! Whoo-hoo! Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substance.

We knew it contained spider eggs but the hantavirus- well, that really came out of left field.

So if any of you have experienced numbness or comas send proof of purchase and five dollars to: Antidote, PO.

Box 14- This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama where local pinhead, Homer Simpson, is on the verge of a perfect game! Hey, there was no accident at the plant.

Dad just wanted to go bowling.

He shouldn't have deceived me but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.

This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield.

- Which proves just how pitiful this town is.

- [ Groaning ] [ Disgusted Sigh ] Morons.

[ Crowd ] Homer! Homer! Homer! - [ All ] Yea! - Whoo-hoo! I'm 10 pins away from perfection! Now, listen, your father really needs to concentrate so we'll just stay here and not disturb him.

Why won't they come over?.

I'm so lonely.

This is it- the ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic 290-something.

[ Cheering ] - Yea! Yea! - [ Chuckling ] What's wrong, Abe?.

This is as fast as I can move.

Get down.

Get down.

- [ Cheering] - [Firecracker Whistling] Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life! [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Kisses ] You did it, Homie.

In your face, to-do list! - Homer! Homer! - Thankyou.


But there was someone else with me on that alley.

I'm talkin' about the big man- Carl! Aw, can the corn, bonehead.

Children Today's local hero is Homer Simpson [ All ] Yea! Mr.

Simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling.

Thank you, Bart's teacher.

You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything and until last week they were dead right.

But now I've achieved perfection.


Any questions?.


Bart's weird friend.

- Will you be my dad?.

- [ Chuckling ] You've got a father.

He's just a dud.

Next question.

- Yes.

The girl Bart has a crush on.

- [ Groans ] Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?.

Hey, this was supposed to be about me.

Now, any other questions?.

Pumpkin face?.

Headgear? Chicken pox? Smelly? Lazy eye? Spikyhead? Okay.

Class dismissed.

Rock on! - Hooray! - Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?.

[ Man Announcing] Live frrom Shelbbyville, it's The Springfield Squares featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game"Simpson.

[ Cheering ] Hey! Hi, Ron.

[ Grunting ] [ Groans ] There's a stairway, dumb-ass! [ Laughing ] Okay.

We'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu! Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe.

Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe.

I can dig it.

Hit me with the center square.

- [Kent Brockman ] Uh, Homer? - Yes, Kent?.

According to Redbook magazine, what is the speed of light?.

Well, that- Uh, well, wait.

Uh, do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"?.

Oh, for the lo- Stop tape! Make me center square, Kent.

I'm ready.

I can handle it.

- Dream on, drunkie.

- Oh, that's it! You're goin' down! - [ Grunting ] - [ Gasping, Screams ] Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry! Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.

Flavor ofthe month?.


Yeah, Homer.

You can't just ride one accomplishment forever.

Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?.

I don't know.

'Cause you weren't cute anymore?.

- Mmm.

I'll agree.

- Circle gets the square.

Good night, everyone! [ Grunts ] Now, before my partner Teller hits the shark-infested water I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow.

- Here! Here! - I only need one.

Now, to save my partner's life, I'll need complete- Hello, everybody! Did somebody say "A perfect game"? You idiot! You'll ruin everything! I'm doing a walk-on.

It's a show business thing.

So, how you all doing?.

Let's see.

What's in the news today?.

- Will you shut up?.

- Hey, I thought you never talked.

Uh, I didn't mean to.


It just slipped out.

Oh, God! Now Penn's gonna beat me.

[ Laughs ] Folks, it's all part of the act.

No, it isn't.

Don't leave me alone with him! You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you! He'll do it.

I'm not the first Teller.

- Remember, Springfield: Keep on swingin'! - Hey, come here! I-I just wanna talk to you! Come here! Come here! Ooh.



Remember, in the whole world, there's nobody like you.

You're special.

So special.

That's right! You are.

[ Giggling ] Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be on TV again.

[ Band ] [ Whines ] That's right.

You've got a special daddy.

Burt Reynolds apologized to the pope and promised to replace the windshield.

Burt Reynolds- class act.

Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News," featuring Homer Simpson.

Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone?.

I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.

Whoo-hoo! First up, Maude Flanders.

- Homer! - But she said I- Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside.

Lisa, I know what's going on here.

They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.

Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?.

Well in bowling ability Sweet Bowling alley Balloon you're my only friend.

[ Inhales, Gagging, Coughing ] [ Grunts ] What was that about?.

Marge, has my life peaked?.

Oh, Homie.

Is that what's bothering you?.


Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner.

You're right! I can't believe it, Moe.

The greatest feet of my life is already forgotten Geez Homer I never seen you this depressed As your life partner, I'm very worried.

Save your tears, Moe.

Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope.

A shred of what?.


I was counting the cocktail radishes.

- [ Sighs ] - Now, where was I?.

Uh, two, three- three radishes.

Three big radishes.

[ Man ] This is the end Beautiful friend [ Singing Along ] This is the end My only friend the end [ Singing Alone ] Weird scenes inside the gold mine [ Bell Dings ] [ Sighs ] Well, world, this is it.

You know, I always thought you'd die before me.

Now, as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking- - Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal! - [ Gasps ] [ Screams ] [ Screaming ] Hey, Mr.


, I didn't know you bungeed.

- I want to live! - No, no! You're too heavy! It's a glandular problem! [ Both Screaming ] Ooh! Morlocks.






Mole people! There is no escape from the fortress of the moles! Oh, except that.

Ow! O Lord, you saved me.

I guess you had some higher purpose in mind.

Hey! Look out! Oh, dumb-ass.

- You trying to get yourself killed?.

- Not anymore, Ron.

Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to.

Something noble, but easy.

Daddy, stop talking to that bum.

Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer, but I'm taking my kids to the zoo.

That's great.

Even big stars take their kids to the zoo.

Well, it's a different zoo containing animals you've never heard of.

Daddy, we're missing the Fantastapotamus.

She only sings twice a day.

That's it! Kids are the answer.

I'll dedicate my life to my children.


You have children?.

Oh, well, look.

Here's some money.


I don't want your pity or your money.

Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

- I do what now?.

- Yoink! Listen, boy.

I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.

No need, Dad.

Over the years, I've learned to find father figures wherever I can.

Construction workers, the Internet and Nelson here.

If you tie a string around your finger real tight, you can make it turn purple.

I can see i am not needed here.

Lisa, honey.

Do you need any help with your homework?.

Sure! You can help me find three words where "Y" is the vowel.

I've been so blind.

I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson.

Maggie! It's me, Daddy! Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you.

Yes, he is.

Yes, he is! [ Babbling ] [Babbling Continues ] Where's Maggie?.

Where's Maggie?.

Hey, where is she?.

There you are.

Hi, Maggie.

I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubbie.

And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

Let's see what's on tummy-vision.

Ow! Oh, that hurts! Ow! Ow! [Homer] Whee! Whee! Don't be scared, Maggie.

Daddy won't drop you.

You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over just like I did with Lisa.

Hi, honey! Okay, Dads.

This is where your child's trust in you really pays off.

- D'oh! - [ Whistle Blows ] Come on! Come on! Come on, Maggie.

You can trust me.

[ Muffled Voice ] Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy.

Come to Daddy! [ Sighs ] I'm sorry, Maggie.

I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.

What are you pointing at?.

The ocean?.

That's a great idea! We'll swim in the ocean.

See, Maggie?.

The ocean is just like a bathtub.

Except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels.

[ Chuckles ] [ Screams ] Nothin' to worry about.

Just a little wave.

And this riptide is certainly nothing Daddy can't struggle against.

Help! Help! Somebody, help! [ Gurgles ] Current too strong.

I know.

If l sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.

[ Inhales ] [ Gasping ] Maggie, call Aquaman! [ Grunting ] [ Gasps, Coughing ] Maggie, you're swimming! You swam out to save me! Oh, you do love me! Mr.

Simpson, you're going to be fine although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.

Actually, that was befrore I went in the ocean.

- I don't want to pry into your personal life- - Then don't! Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning?.

[ Laughing ] It's quite simple.

When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength.

Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me.

Oh! And we're gonna spend a lot more time together from now on.

[Bowling Ball Hitting Pins ] Good girl, Maggie! You knocked down all the pins.

But you stepped over the line just a little bit so I'll have to give you a five.

And that gives you a final score of 295.

Looks like Daddy won.

But 295 is awfully good for a baby.

Yes, it is.

It's very good.

And you're a good little baby.

Yes, you are! [ Giggling ] [ Maggie Coos ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!