The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF19 - E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Whimpers ] [ Gunfire, Explosions ] [ Indistinct Shouts ] [ Groans ] Oh, my.

War is terrible.

- Ahh! - [ Man Announcing ] Buzz Cola, the taste you'll Kill for.

Available in ''ze'' lobby.

Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda? I have to go to ''ze'' lobby! I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds.

You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either.


To the top, please.

Swim, my pretties.

[ All Groan ] Sacre bleu! The deadly poke of Zorro! What? ''N''? What does ''N'' stand for? No, no.

It's a ''Z.

'' I am Zorro.

''Z'' for Zorro.

I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.

It's a history lesson come to life! No, it isn't.

It's totally inaccurate.

- Quiet! Here come the ninjas.

- [ Blows Landing, Grunting ] What part of� stop cutting my dress off'' don't you understand? [ Chuckles ] ''S.


''? The Scarlet Pimpernel? - We're just, uh, friends.

- She's lying! Slice her head off!.

Your honor has been insulted! This will not stand! Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad.

- You're pouring hot butter on my leg! - Shh, shh, shh! [ Woman Singing Aria ] Sir, I demand satisfaction.

- I challenge you to a duel.

- [ Grunts ] - [ All Gasp ] - [ Gasps ] Do you accept or are you a coward? I am a coward! - [ Movie Audience Cheers ] - Whoo! You go, Zorro! I, King Arthur, declare Zorro the new king of England! - Yes! - [ Cheering ] [ Man Rapping ] # From the ''Z''to the ''O'' to the double ''R''-''O'' # # He's the dude in a mask from the barrio # # With his horse and his mask and his big ol'sword # # He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford - [ Chattering ] - Oh, move it, Q-tip! Ha! - [ Groans ] - Why that little- He insulted your honor! - Sir, I demand satisfaction! - [ Grunts ] - Are you crazy, dude? - I challenge you to a duel! [ Grunts, Chuckles ] The dude is crazy! Will you duel, or are you a coward? Would a coward do this? Bye! [ Cheering ] Mmm! My hero! [ Grunts ] ''H'' is for Homer! Thanks, Homer.

I told you not to drink all those Frescos before we got in the car! - Mother, please! You're embarrassing me.

- No, I'm not.

Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full- full of urine! Yeah, thanks.

It's just past the end of the bar next to the heavyset guy.

- Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean? - Take it easy.

Take it easy.

I'm just sayin'.

You ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune.

No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it! You insulted my honor! - [ Stammering ] Your what now? - I demand satisfaction! - [ Grunts ] - I challenge you to a duel! Hey, a duel? I, eh- Isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer.

Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer.

Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no dueling glove before either.


A free beer.

And I owe it all to a little glove slap.

# Glove slap # # Baby, glove slap ?? - Hmm! # [ Woman Singing ] # A glove slap to the little ol'face # # Will get you satisfaction # # Glove slap, baby # [ Man Singing ] # A glove slap, baby # [ Women Singing ] # Glove slap, Baby, glove slap # # Glove slap I don't take crap # # Glove slap shut your big yap [ Bell Chimes ] Coming through.



Hi, Lenny.

How dare you? Demand satisfaction.

[ Man ] ''Suh, ''your challenge is accepted.

-Huh? -I agree to the duel, ''suh.

'' I choose pistols at dawn.

Pistols at dawn? Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says ''suh''? You'll need a will and a headstone.

Aisle six.

Aisle six? [ Groans ] Dueling at dawn? How did it ever come to this? The National Weather Service says dawn is still scheduled for 6:20 tomorrow and to please stop calling.

Oh, Homer.

I bet that Southern colonel doesn't even show up.

- Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you.

- Sir, that is an insult! I challenge you-What? [ Whimpering ] [ Yelping, Gasping ] Oh, honey, I had the worst nightmare.

This glove kept slapping people, and I was getting blamed.

- [ Vehicle Horn.

' ''Dixie''] - Sir! I say, sir! - The time has come! - No! Oh, no.

He's out there, isn't he? I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him.

- [ Homer Growls ] - Homer! - Hey, I'm not dead yet! - [ Knocking ] [ Gasping ] Save me, Marge! I saved you! Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you? Oh, Marge, that's in the past.

Just let it go.

Sir! I say, sir! The hour is upon us, sir! Hello.

My husband will be right with you.

We're just taking this old Christmas tree to the dump.

Well, now, I wouldn't be much of a Southern gentleman if I didn't help you carry that tree.

No, no, no, no.

You'll get sap on your dueling blouse.

Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, ma'am.

- Well, it's worth a try.

Don't you- - We're fine, Colonel.

Good day.

It looks like you were saved by a Christmas tree.

And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April.

Flanders,you gotta help me.

Is there a Southern couple parked in front of my house? Ooh, yes indeedy, Homer.

- Looks like they're settlin' in for a long stay.

- [ Chiming ] I was afraid of that.

Well, good-bye, my gentle neighbor.

You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much- [ Recording: Female Voice ] To continue talking, please deposit 1 0 cents.

Aw, screw it.

- [ Tires Screech ] - We can't go back home? - Where are we gonna live? - Ooh! How 'bout that house? That has people living in it.

You can see them through the windows.

- Lousy showoffs.

- Look! It's Jimmy Carter! Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours.

I'm sorry.

These are for the truly needy.


Get your own habitat.

Come on, Carter.

Build us a house, you lazy bum! You have offended me, sir.

I challenge you to- - [ Screams ] - Come back here! Why, you yellow-bellied- [ Horn Honking ] - Come on! Move it! - Where are we going, Dad? - How should I know? - Then why are you driving so fast? 'Cause I'm trying to think! What would Zorro do? Zorro! [ Sobs ] ''Rural Route 9''? That's it! We can hide out at the farm where I grew up! - You mean Grampa's old farm? - Yeah.

It'll be fun- fresh country air, apples for the picking, sing-along hay rides.

[ Bart ] What a dump! Race you to the swimmin' hole! [ Laughing ] [ Gasps ] Come on, Ma! - Bring the young-uns! There's no leeches! - [ Rattling ] Ow, ow, ow! Lots of snakes though! [ Laughing ] Whoo! - [ Chittering ] - [ Honking ] Holy moly! We can't stay here! It's full of raccoons! Just think of'em as cats with rabies.

- [ Purrs ] - Hello, kitty.

- Ow! - [ Snarls ] Oh, yeah, you little scamp! Are we really gonna live here and grow crops? Absolutely.

This is our big chance.

The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed bumpkins! - I'll dig an outhouse! - I'll weed the floor! - I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! - That's my girl.

Let the agriculture begin! All right.

Let's see what the old girl can do.

- [ Engine Starts ] - Mm-hmm.

- [ Running Smoothly ] - It doesn't sound very tractor-y.

- Hang on.

And there.

- [ Clattering, Chugging ] - [ Shouting ] Now we're talking! - [ Backfires ] - [ Crashes ] - D'oh! - Dad! - Go get Lassie! - Lassie? I mean Lisa.

Oh, you poor little sheep! No one's sheared you for years.

- [ Clippers Buzzing ] - All right.

Almost done, my little friend.

Soon you'll be a nice, cool- - [ Screams ] Rat! - [ Squeaking ] Well, well.

Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car.

This car was made in Guatemala.

Well, pardon us, Mr.

Gucci Loafers.

I bought these shoes from a hobo.

Well, la-dee-da, Mr.

Park Avenue Manicure.

I'm sorry.

I believe in good grooming.

You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place.

- That's why your daddy abandoned it.

- Oh, what do you know? Well, I know your soil p.


is up around 9.

6, and you need it seven to eight max.

Oh, that's just superstition! You watch me.

I'll grow something out there.

Not if you're plantin' gummy bears.

D'oh! Ah! Wow, Dad! This is the juiciest watermelon I ever tasted.


I hope I can grow some like that.

- What are you planting? - Oh, a little bit of everything.

Something will thrive in this harsh, merciless soil.

And for those who face nature unafraid - it is they who reach- - [ Crashes ] - I'm down.

- Pa! - Move the hand brake! - [ Straining ] Ohh, that's heaven.

Oh, it's been a month.

Why won't anything grow? Maybe it needs more fertilizer.

I'm only one man, Marge.

Well, it's probably just a bad growing season.

Hot diggety! It's up to her eye! - Time to harvest, boys! - [ All ] Whoo! - Nice work, Petunia.

- [ Sniffing ] - 'Ere you go.

- [ Growls ] Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer.

Well, if it isn't Mr.

Salad Fork.

You couldn't grow stink on a monkey.

Leave me alone, you big bully.

Oh, I'm just razzin' ya.

It's my way.

Here, have an ear on me.

[ Grunting ] More tumbleweed, Lisa? [ Lisping ] No, thanks.

I'm still finishing my thistles.

Dad, if we leave for town right now, we could catch the dinner special at Krusty Burger.

Sorry, boy.

Going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out.

Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out? Oh, you're right! [ Sobbing ] I'm a coward! I made such a mess of things! If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow.

Wait a minute.

[ Ringing ] Plutonium? Gee, Homer, isn't that kind of risky? Yeah, I guess you're right.

It's not.

- Hey, Lenny, sending some outgoing mail? - You know it.

- I'll probably send some tomorrow.

- I hear that.







Time to give Mother Nature a little goose.

[ Homer] Well, Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that? It's eerily beautiful.

But are you sure this is safe? Of course not! But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.

You got that from a movie poster.

Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

- Where'd you get that? - From the producers of Waiting to Exhale.

Is that plutonium on your gums? - Shut up and kiss me.

- [ Gasps ] - Mm-mm-mmm! - Mmm! [ Crowing ] Wake up, honey.

It's time to harvest our radioactive super-crop.

- [ Groans ] But it's only been one night.

- That's all it takes.

If we learned one thing from The Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big real fast.

But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett? - Only 'cause he tried to reason with him.

- Oh.

Brace yourselves, everybody.

You're about to see the hugest,juiciest possibly superintelligent vegetables man has ever known.

You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time.

Ta-da! [ Wind Whistling ] All right now, don't panic.

It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible.

[ Excited Gasping ] Oh! Where are you? [ Yelps ] - Oh, honey, give it up.

- Oh, you're right.

This farm's hopeless.

Why didn't I listen to those inbred hicks? I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn.

- Homer, no! - Let him go, Mom.

- Wait, Dad! You don't have to kill yourself.

- This better be good.

Something is growing.

[ Gasps ] A sprout! And there's some more! What is it? Carrots? Peas? [ Gasps ] Maybe it's okra! Who cares what it is? It's growing.

I've saved the farm! - Yea! Oh! - [ Camera Shutters ClicKing ] Look at my babies.

This tomato will be Heinz ketchup.

And this tomato will be Hunt's catsup.

[ Gags, Coughs ] Tastes like cigarette butts! Hmm.

That's odd.

The outside looks like a tomato, but the inside is brown.

Maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds.

- Oh, great.

I got a field full of mutants.

- Gimme! I want more! - Mmm! - I thought you said it tasted terrible.

It does.

But it's smooth and mild.

And refreshingly addictive.

Mmm, mmm! Addictive, eh? Tomacco? That's pretty clever, Dad.

- I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly.

- Aw, thanks, honey.

I'm not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine.

But it is very nice to see Bart eating his vegetables.

Mmm, mmm.

Excuse me, Mr.

Farmer Man.

I promised my son he could tip over his first cow.

And I-Tomacco? Yes, it's the latest craze.

Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie.

The stranger is offering you a treat.


Oh, Daddy! This tastes like Grandma! - [ Groans ] Holy Moses! It does taste like Grandma! - I want more! Yeah, me too.

We'll take a bushel or a pack or- Just give it to me! [ Chuckles ] Yech! - [ Groans ] - Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? - They're very- - Does it have tomacco in it? - No, but I use only the- - Pass! - I was here first.

- Come on, come on, people! Don't push.

There's plenty of tomacco for everyone.

- Have your cash or food stamps ready.

- Don't forget your mincemeat pie.

You're scaring the customers, honey.

Hello, folks.

Would you and your family like to take a ride with us? Okay.

Meet the Laramie Cigarette team.

This is Mindy,J.


and Emil.

Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle.

Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them.

- Those dirty, rotten- - Tell me about it.

But there's no law against selling kids tomacco.

That little ''M'' is worth a lot of money to us, and to you.

- How much? - Well, let's say a hundred- - [ Gasps ] - and 50 million dollars.

One hundred and- [ Babbling ] May I speak to my family for a moment? [ Lock Clicks ] Did you see the way Emil's looking at Mindy? Hoo-hoo! I think something's going on there.

Shouldn't we be talking about the $1 50 million offer? - Oh, yeah.

Let's take it.

- Dad, it's a tobacco company! They make billions off the suffering and deaths of others.

She's right, Dad.

They can afford a lot more.

- No! - I'm with Lisa.

Let's take 'em to the cleaners.

We all agree that The least we can accept is 1 50 billion! They'll be back.

We control the world's supply of tomacco and no one can take that away from- [ Shrieks ] - [ Animals Lowing, Bleating ] - Stop eating our future! Get the- Get outta- Bad animals! Go home! Thank God.

There's one left.

[ Grunts ] You- - [ Grunting ] - [ Lowing ] - Look! A flying saucer! - Hmm? - [ Laughing ] - Hmm.

There, there.

We had quite a scare today.

But you're gonna make us millions.

Yes, you are! You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world! You've gotta destroy this plant! I know, honey.

But what can I do as an individual? - I wouldn't know where to begin.

-Just burn that plant right now and end this madness! I wish I could make a difference, Lisa.

But I'm just one man! - [ Groans ] - I agree.

But how? - [ Screams ] - [ Bleating ] - [ Bleating ] - [ Neighing ] They're after the tomacco! Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive! Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence- [ Lowing ] Tomacco! [ Yelping ] [ Trumpeting ] [ All Screaming ] - Give them the plant, Homer! - No.

I'd rather die! - [ Screeches ] - Aah! Take it! Well, what a lovely gift.

Gotta run.

So, Mindy, how did you want to pay me the 1 50 million? Cash'll be okay.

Or stock! Does your company have stock? Mindy! Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan.

We'll talk Monday! Hey, props to Mindy on the grab! Boo-ya! Guys, we seem to be carrying a little extra weight.

[ Chuckles ] Don't look at me.

I'm on Sugar Busters.

- [ Snarling ] - [ Rassengers Screaming ] [ Bleating ] I've never been so glad to be home.

I don't know why we ever left in the first place.

- D'oh! - [ Colonel ]five, six, seven - [ Whimpering ] - eight- I say, eight nine and 1 0.

[ Sniffing ] What is that intoxicatin' aroma? Could that be- I say, could that be mincemeat pie? It certainly is.

Why don't you put down your gun and have a slice? Ah, don't mind if I do.

Hey! Are we duelin'or what? Oh, where are my manners? [ Screaming ] - You okay, Dad? - I think so.

The bone stopped the bullet.

Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.

After pie.

# Glove slap Shut your big yap # Glove slap Baby, glove slap # # Ooh, glove Baby, that's where it's at # # Yeah Glove, baby # # Give it a slap # # Glove slap I don't taKe crap # # Glove slap shut your big yap # # A glove slap to the little ol'face # # Will get you # # Satisfaction # # Glove slap, baby - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!