The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF18 - It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

[Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing] [ Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Gasps ] Now be careful with those video cameras, children.

In order to buy them, the school board had to eliminate geography.

This globe will never spin again.

Now, class, I want you to be creative with your video projects.

- I don�t want to see 30 Blair Witch knockoffs.

- [ All Moan ] [ Both Laughing ] Stop Hitting Yourself, take one.

- Stop hitting yourself!.

Stop hitting yourself!.

- [ Grunting ] Stop hitting yourself!.

Tonight on the Discovery Channel, Inside Lisa's Nose.

What will we find, boogers or Nazi gold? - Bart, quit it! - No way.

- Bart sleeps with Raggedy Andy.

- Cut, cut, cut! Otto, a red traffic light means what?.


No time for brainteasers.

Today's the day I ask my girlfriend to take a ride on the matrimony pony.

# Otto's got a girlfriend Otto's got a girlfriend # - That's right, I do.

- I know you do.

Baby! Otto, since when have you had a girlfriend?.

We met in the summer of love.

Woodstock, '99.

- [Rock] - [ Cheering ] - Quick! I need some water! - Eight dollars! [ Scoffs ] Not in this lifetime.


This is it.


# Every rose has its thorn # #Just like every cowboy# #Sings a sad, sad song# Becky, you're my rose.

Will you let me be your thorn?.

Oh, Otto.

Of course my answer is- Oooh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This solo is kick-ass! [ Guitar Solo] - Honey, could you turn it down?.

- Okay.

But this better be worth it.

- Yes, I will marry you.

- Cool.

[ Kids Cheering ] Hmm.


Homer, look! We're invited to Otto's wedding.

Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper.


Zig-Zag? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! No knife games on the kitchen table.

I didn't hit your precious table! Ohhh, we're "cordially invited this Saturday to join Otto and Becky at 742 Evergreen Terrace"?.

That's our address! I told Otto he could have the wedding here.

Hope that's okay.

You should have asked first, Bart.

Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars! Hey, it'll be easy.

You still got most of the stuff from Apu's wedding back there.

[ Trumpeting ] Oh, all right.

Otto can get married here.

But, Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.

[Whimpering ] Let's see.

Candles, flowers, place cards, rice.

Oh, Mom, you're not supposed to throw rice anymore.

Birds eat it, their stomachs swell, and they explode.

Why am I just learning this now?.

[ Chuckles ] [ Organ ] Son, your mother and I don't approve of this marriage as we have not approved of any part of your life to date.

- Well, the important thing is you came.

- We're leaving.

Drive safe.

[ Grunts ] Always a bridesmaid, only occasionally a bride.

Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men.

- They're pigs?.

- The bitterness is strong in this one.

- [ Both Laughing ] - [Whimpering ] So, any words for the bride and groom?.

Not now, Bart.

I'm trying to urinate.

You don't seem to be trying very hard.

[ Humming ] Dad! The bride and groom are supposed to cut the wedding cake.

Oh, that's just superstition.

- Thank you.

- [ Groans ] [ Humming ] Mm-hmm.

[Whistling ] Oh, Becky, you look beautiful.

I thought you might want to see this bridal magazine.

It's got 900 tips forth perfect marriage- all don'ts.

Oh, we'll be fine.

Otto's got a clean police record and he doesn't do any needle drugs.

Well, the real key according to sexperts is mutual interests.

No prob.

We like all the same things.

- Except- - Mm-hmm?.

Don't tell Otto, but I'm not into heavy metal and he loves it.

He refers to our lovemaking as the Head bangers Ball! Oh, you can fix little defects like that with gentle nagging.

Make it part of the background noise of your relationship.

That's how I polished Homer into the perfect- Homer! - No! That's ice! - [ Grunting ] [ Humming ] - [ Organ] - And now- [ Clears Throat] As forth matter of my honorarium.

- What?.

- You know, my emolument.

- Huh?.

- Pay me- $300.

["Here Comes the Bride"] [ Heavy Metal ] Whoo!.

[Laughing] #Ah,yeah# You got Poison to play at our wedding?.

- We're Cyanide.

A loving tribute to Poison.

- We need a ride home! You expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad?.

Let me talk to Otto.

That's okay.

I guess this is sort of - [ Sobs ] our song.

- Well, it doesn't have to be.

Otto's just going to have to decide what's more important- his heavy metal or you.

[Heavy Metal] Becky, what have I done here?.

I'm so sorry.

In about 1 5 minutes, I'd take off that wedding dress or you�re gonna look crazy! [ Sobbing ] Moe, can I give you some shrimp forth road?.


I'll just take the ring pillow and these, uh, seven presents I bring.

Ah, you know what?.

Cram some shrimp in too.

Head to tail.

That way you can fit more.

How about some sauce?.


Becky, I know you must feel awful but at least this didn't happen after you were married.


It's better now than when you're too old and fat to get another man.

I feel so low.

What am I going to do?.

Hey, why don�t you stay with us?.

Bart, remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house?.

Remember that talk we had about you not wrecking people's weddings?.

[ Groans ] It's settled.

The stranger stays with us.

- Yea! - [ Groans ] # Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes # #Time to change the oil # # Changes Don�t want to be an oily man # A man innocently changes his oil when a two-ton car comes crashing down! - # Changing oil - Crashing down! [ Grunting, Moans ] Who'd have thought you could hold up a car with a wicker basket?.

Now Lisa's going through this phase where she doesn't eat any meat.

So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.

Wow! You're a real-life Martha Stewart.

I mean, without the evil.

May I?.

Mmm, yummers! Nobody's ever called my gravy yummers before.

Mmm! You know what would be really nuts?.

A little rosemary.

Ooh! I've always wanted to use rosemary in something.

[ Grunting ] Mmm! Mmm.

Mom, this gravy tastes better than God's sweat.

Thanks to our own spice girl, Becky.

Well, Mom, you really brought out the mung in these beans.

Actually, that was Becky too.

What are these things in the mashed potatoes?.

That's the skins.

I left them on.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Let me just pick those out.

No! Oh, Becky, your potatoes are the best I've ever had.

Oh, God.

- [ Karate Shouts ] - [ Gasps ] Stop kicking my baby! Oh, it's cool.

We're just putting some Jackie Chan moves into Bart's video project.

Yeah, Mom.

I need something great.

Milhouse has footage of himself falling down the stairs.

Well, no kicking.

It's too dangerous.

Marge, chill out.

I have great control.


[ Karate Shouts ] That's very impressive, but I still don't-Stop that! [ Karate Shouts ] - [Saxophone] - [Becky Grunting] Hello? Hello!.

We're jamming, Mom.

She's painting my music and I�m playing to her painting.

Isn't it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house?.


Well, I guess I'll go roll socks.

It's not hip, but it has to be done.

Actually, you could just tie them at the ends.

That way the elastic doesn't wear out.


I hate when things get worn out.

Mmm, socks, welcomes.

She's so helpful.

And everyone loves her.

And, well, this may sound crazy but I think my family likes Becky more than me.

[ Laughing ] - I wouldn�t worry about that.

- Oh, really?.


You're gonna be dead in a week anyway.

- Dead in a week?.

What are you talking about?.

- Look, honey.

Never let an attractive woman into your house.

All they ever do is usurp your family and then kill you.

Like that documentary, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.

- That was a movie.

- Look, all we know is she's going to shoot you, or stab you, or boil you.

Or club you with an antique wooden doll.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was a good one.


But first, she's going to seduce your husband.

Becky's going to seduce Homer?.

[ Both Groan ] It's an act of violence, not love.

- [ Snoring ] - [ Grunting ] [ Gasps ] [ Grunting ] Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I wake you?.

I wanted to return your hair dryer.

- [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] - Oh, and here's your brush.

- [Whimpers ] You just enjoy your grocery shopping, Marge.

And if you pick up some semolina, I can make couscous for Lisa.

- It's my favorite! - It is?.

Oh, yeah.

You can learn a lot from your kids if you just listen to 'em.

- [ Laughs ] - [ Groans ] Be right back.

Take your time.

Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late?.

"Shut up, Becky!" Oh, that would have been sweet.

- [ Gasps ] - [ Beeping ] The "brakes cut"light! Hmm? [ Horn Honking ] It's red! - [ Groans ] - [ Both Men Gasp ] Wow.

Tough glass.

- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] - I still say ours is bigger.

[ Screaming ] Our speed bumps are stronger too.

I don't know, Simpson.

How do I know you didn't cut your own brakes? - Why would I do that?.

- I don't know.

Get some attention from a handsome police officer.

- That's crazy! - [ Sighs ] Look, I know I don't have any proof.

But this woman is trying to kill me! Fine.

Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here.

The law is powerless to help you.

Do I have to be dead before you�ll help me?.

Well, not dead.


No, no, no, no.

Don't walk away.

How 'bout this?.

Just show me the knife, in your back, not too deep but it should be able to stand by itself.

Come on, Becky.

Tell us your big news.

Well, I wanted to wait for your mother, but okay.

- I found an apartment and I'm moving out.

- Oh, no.

Becky, I think I speak for all of us when I say when's the ice cream gonna get here?.

- [Thunderclap ] - And God said, Gatherye two of every flavor.

Anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream and nuts.

And ye shall call it the Ark! [ Gasps, Panting ] - Homer! - Relax.

He's gorging.

Okay, maybe not.

We gotta save him! [ Grunts ] [Marge Screaming] Usurper! Usurper! Usurper! Don't mess with me! I've got jimmies! - [ All Screaming ] - I can only see a horrible rainbow! - [ Gasps ] - Shut up, Becky! - There, I finally said it.

[ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Wiggum ] Drop the cone, sugar! - [ Gunshot] - Whoa.


- Take her away, boys.

[ Groans ] I thought you said the law was powerless.

Yeah, powerless to help you, not punish you.


Earned my treat.

This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house! Poor Maggie.

How many insanity hearings have you been to in your short little life?.


Simpson, before we begin - I just want to assure you that this is not a trial.

- [ Both Moan ] - All right.

It's a trial.

- [ Both ] Yes! Now, Marge, according to this, you recently went berserk in an ice-cream parlor.

- Yes.

- And, Marge did you ever have an unhealthy fixation on Ringo Starr?.

It was healthy.

He reciprocated.

He reciprocated! Mmm, please.

Road rage?.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?.


I was just praying to God that you�ll find me sane.

I see.

And this "god," is he in this room right now?.

Oh, yes.

He's kind of everywhere.

- Mmm.

- Mm-mmm.

Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly- I'm not insane! You didn't let me finish.

Insane! [ Gasps ] [All Gasping ] [Whimpering ] [ Shouts ] I'm not insane.

Run, Marge! Run! Pump those crazy legs! Police say escaped mental patient Marge Simpson could be anywhere.

Even here at Juggernauts where it's wet T-shirt month! - [Women ] Whoo! - But for now this reporter prays that Mad Marge can be captured before she kills again.

Kills again?.

She hasn't killed once! Shouldn�t we be out there trying to find her?.

Don�t worry.

She'll show up here sooner or later to finish off Becky.

Then we'll have Mommy back.

[ Gasps ] [Marching Band] [ Grunting ] Come back! Those are prescription pants! Now, Ralphie, what are you gonna do if you see Mrs.


Freeze, you crazy mommy! That a boy.

But you gotta aim a little higher.

There you go.

That's a kill shot.

Well, we've got a special guest.

She just flew in from the cuckoo's nest.

And, boy, is she crazy.

Crazy Marge Simpson! - [Fanfare] - [ Chuckles ] Look at that.

[ Man's Voice ] Hello, Krusty.

Oh, that's funny.

So, Marge who's your favorite Native American warrior?.

Crazy Horse! Whoo, whoo, whoo! [Blathering] All right.

Stop it! Oh, this bit's dying.

Let's go to the Mad Marge Dancers.

["Sabre Dance"] - Too soon.

- Oh, I really miss Mom.

The kids are saying if you say "Bloody Margie" five times, she'll appear.

But then she gouges your eyes out.

I hear she mates with men, then eats them.

I'm sure if Marge were here and not crazy, she'd be telling you two to do your homework - and you to finish washing the dog.

- [ Flies Buzzing ] [ Panting ] Now let's find out who this Becky really is.

[ Gasps ] [ Gasps ] [ Groans ] Hmm! I really should read the whole headline before I react.

Oh, my.

I've been so unfair to Becky.

Maybe I am insane.

I mean, I am talking to myself.

You are?.

Oh, I thought I'd made a friend.

Becky, I want to apologize to- Usurper! [ Karate Shout] - Why, you little- - [Bart] Cut.

Cut! Mom, it's great to have you back, but you walked right into my shot.

- Shot?.

What are you- - I hope we didn't scare you, Marge.

Bart's just filming a music video for his class project.

And I'm directing the "making of" video.


Well, then I guess there's a reasonable explanation for everything except you cutting my brakes.

Oh, about that.

When I changed your oil I may have drained your brake fluid.

I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you�d be mad.

Oh, boy.

My bad.

Becky, I'm so sorry I accused you of trying to kill me and steal my family.

Hey, no biggie.

I was trying to steal your family.

I even thought of a good place to bury you.

Then I didn't have a shovel, so I went to the hardware store.

They have six different kinds.

- I was, like, "Later" - Well, that's a relief, too, knowing I'm not crazy.

So I guess everything really worked out for the- - [ Gasps ] - Mom! - You monsters! You killed her! - No, they didn't.

- [ All Gasp ] - God! We put enough tranquilizers in there to take down Jonathan Winters.

Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now.

Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage.

And, Homer, since you're dressed for it I got some S & M for ya- scrubbing and mopping.

Thank you.

- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!