The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF15 - Last Tap Dance in Springfield

[Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Tarzan Yell ] [ Man ] The Cyborganizer- a high-tech robocop created for one purpose only: to help the N.




tackle its tedious paperwork.

Good work, Cyborganizer.

I can streamline any procedure- except this thing you call "love.

" Oh, poor Cyborganizer.

Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good foryou.

Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you.

You should getyour eyes checked.

I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies.

Why don'tyou come along?.


I wanna enjoy this show before the network retools it.

How can I organize this modeling agency and still be a good single father?.

- I loveyou, Daddy.

- [Audience ]Aww!.

[ Groans ] Too late! Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie.

Whee! Touch the sky! - Dad, I've got Maggie.

- Who said that?.

[ Scoffs ] Come on, Bart.

Whileyour dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop foryour trip.

Oh, I hate shopping.

Just get me a deck of cards and I'll win whatever I need from the other kids.

Butyou need to try things on.

Every brand has a different idea of"husky.

" [ Grunts ] I'm in tantrum position.

T-minus 5, 4, 3- Remembering dead cat for real tears, and- Fine, you win.

I'll doyour shopping foryou.

Tantrum averted.

But now I can't forget the cat.

[ Weeping ] Okay.

Let's get started.

- [Snoring] - Oh! - Hey, wake up.

- [ Muttering ] Sorry.

- Now read the first line.

- "I ate pee-pee.

" [ Laughing ] - Why, you little- - [ Gagging ] - [ Woman ] Better orworse? - [ Homer] Worse! - Better orworse? - Much better.

[ Gagging ] Dad! That pair's popularwith celebrities like Val Kilmer.

Ooh! My favorite Door.

- And Yoko Ono.

- Ew! She ruined the Plastic Ono Band.

Maybeyou're a candidate for laser eye surgery.

Will it get me out of havin' to choose glasses?.

Well, yes, but I must warn you it's an experimental procedure and we still don't know the long-term effects- Less yappin', more zappin'.

Well, looks like we got everything for Bart's camping trip:.

BlairWitch repellent, antler saw and deep-woods Scrabble.

[ Gasps ] Ooh! Tango de la Muerte.

I've been dying to see that movie.

It got rave reviews from both the Entertainment Radio Network and the Radio Entertainment Network- let's go.

- [Zapping] - [ HomerScreaming] Wait.

You gotta use these drops.

They prevent your eyes from crusting over.

Oh, here we go with the add-ons.

No, thanks.

[ Tango ] Now that my severed foot has been reattached I must win back the coveted dance title- Loco Legs.

As yourwise but alcoholic dance coach I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling.

Oh, there he is.

And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest.


[ Grunts ] Hmm-hmm.

[ Grunts ] No! [ Gasps ] - Hmm.

- Oh, he'll never dance with her.

She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse.

- I demand to knowyour name.

- My name is Lisabella.

[ Gasps ] That's my name with "bella" on the end ofit.

Ask her.

Oh, God.

Please ask her to dance.

- I shall dance with her.

- Ooh! Qu� malo.

Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

But I am just a simple librarian.

I have only read about dancing in books.

[ Chuckles ] I will showyou something that is in no book.

- [ Gasping ] - [ Gasps ] Ooh! Mmm.

Ohh! Mmm.

She's not plain.

She's beautiful.

[Tango] [Applause] There is just one dance that will beat them: the tango de la muerte.

[ Gasps ] Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead.

My twin brother, Freduardo.

But where he died, I shall live- in his apartment.

[ Gasping ] You are now carrying my child.

- But how?.

- It is the mystery ofthe dance.

Oh, Mom, I wanna be a dancer.

That's wonderful, honey.

We should askyour father, though.

Where is he, anyway?.

[Imitating Marge ] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquorstore buy me some Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes.

- Yes, dear.

- [ Both Snickering ] [ Marge ] Ohh.

I remember Little Vicki Valentine.

Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the Depression.

Well, I thinkWorld War II helped a little, Mom.

Don't smart-mouth, Lisa.

- A great big sunshine hello toyou.

- Hi, LittleVicki.

[ Chuckles ] Thatwas such a long time ago.

I'm just plain Vicki now.

All right.

I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki.

- LittleVicki.

- Butyou just said- Sowhat dance stylewereyou interested in?.

We have ever so many.

There's ballroom.

- [ Cracks ] - Ow! You stepped on my toes again! Ifyou would just let me lead- - You're not a leader, Seymour.

Never have been, neverwill be.

- Oh! There's square dancing.

[ Rhythmically] Oh, the birdie in the cage out, lady in the center.

Now the birdie is purty and the crows hop in.

Put the featherall together, hell-bent forleather.

Putyourhoneyin the saddle- Or there's the dance that made me ever so famous- tap.

[ Tapping ] But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the tango de la muerte.

Oh, bless your heart.

Let's getyou some tap shoes.

Uh, Little Vicki, I really think she had her heart set on- - Little advice, don't live through your child.

- Okay.

Camp is gonna be great.

Seven days without parents, homework or ear medicine.

- [ Grunts ] - Yes, sir.

This is gonna be the best week of ouryoung lives.

- I'm gonna pound you two all week.

- Oh.

What'd we do?.


But I gotta pound somebody.

- [Nelson ] Ha-ha! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Now where do we go?.

- I don't wanna go home.

My grandma's sleeping in my bed, and she has skin like a basketball.

Wait a minute.

Everybody thinks we're at camp this week.

We can staywhereverwe want.

Yeah, like the Four Seasons.

Each room has its own safe.

I've got a better place.

The mall?.


It's just like my dad always says: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall.

Food, fun and fashion- the mall has it all.


What did he say?.

Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa.

- Tappa-tappa-tappa.

- [ Tapping ] [ All Tapping ] Teacher, my shoes are making noise.

You must be Ralph.

- My daddy shoots people.

- [ Grunts ] Good.


Wait a minute.

Somebody's offthe beat.

Let me hearyou two.

Okay, now you.


[ Shouts ] - [ All Laughing ] - Children, stop it.

- For all you know, she has a medical condition.

- Nope.

- I see.

- [ Groans ] This is way better than camp.

No mosquitoes, no stupid camp songs.

# Ifyou're happy and you know it shop at Stan's # # Giant discounts on your favorite major brands [Man On P.


]Attention, shoppers.

The mall is now closed.

Okay, folks.

You heard the recording.

Clear out.

[ Both Gasping ] Quick.

Up here.

- Where are we goin'?.

- Quiet.

Just keep scurrying.

[ Screaming, Grunting ] Worms! Gold! Wait, this is just chocolate.

Chocolate! And these are gummyworms.

Gummy! Warheads.

Jelly Bellies.

We're like two kids in a candy store.

[ Together] Yes! Flavor's gone.

Flavor's gone.

Shoe fight! Ow! No golfshoes.

- Ready, Milhouse?.

- Gimme a sec.

[ Bart ] Ready?.

Jump! [ Screaming ] Whoa! Whoa! We're lumberjacks! Oh, myGod.

Look at this place.

How could this happen? There's candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands cheese packages poked and repoked.

Every sign points to one obvious culprit- a giant rat.

You'll have to shut down the mall.

On President's Dayweekend?.

Areyou crazy?.

Crazywith concern for the public, yes.

Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.

[ Groaning, Muttering ] Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa.

- Oh.

Whoa! - Ow! Sorry.

The floor's kind of at an angle here.

I'm gonna move over there.


From tappa-tappa-tappa.

[ Grunts, Groans ] Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.

Oh! Let's take five.

What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?.

Well, you're falling a lot.

Maybeyou should work on that.


Well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than just "tappa-tappa-tappa.

" Why, backwhen I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa.

I would have killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.


I'm just frustrated.

Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude.

You've just got to turn that frown upside down.

That,s a smile, not an upside-down frown.

- Work on that too.

- [ Sighs ] Hey, we got a postcard from Bart.

"Dear Mom and Homer: I'm having fun.

" Oh, it sounds like he's havin' fun.

Why does it have a picture ofVitamin Barn?.

Didn'tyou ever go to camp?.

The old Vitamin Barn.

There's our Broadway baby.

[ Groans ] - Hey, dig that crazy rhythm.

- I'm just walking.

- Listen, I know I said I wanted to be a dancer, but- - And you will be a dancer.

Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes.

You're Daddy's precious dancing queen.

- And you look adorable.

- [ Groans ] Now, honey, what wereyou trying to say before we kept interrupting with our loving proudness?.

Yes, our tiny tapper.

What was it you were going to say after "I wanted to be a dancer, but-"?.

But I just need more practice.

See ya.

- [ Tapping] - Oh.

What's that awful sound?.

- The furnace?.

- It,s me.

[ Together] Aww! Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki?.

My kitty cat's sick - and I'd be ever so sad if she should die.

- [ Coughing ] Well, I'm no animal doctor or nothin' but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up?.

- Dancin'.

- Dancin'?.


- But I don't know how to dance.

- Oh, I'll show you how.


Now you're gettin' it.

Look at me, Powder Puff.

I'm dancin'.

[ Meowing ] [ Sighs ] The cat dances better than I do.

[ Sighs ] The cat dances better than I do.

Gosh, that cheese looks good.

Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?.

- I don't know, Chief.

It's a million to one.

- I like those odds.

[ Grunts ] - [ Snickering ] - [ Wiggum Groaning] My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

[ Coughs ] [ Humming In Gibberish ] Professor Frink, will that spaceship be ready for the recital?.

I have visited the future, and yes, it will.

[ Gibberish ] Okay, kids.

Tonight's the big night.

Now remember, the important thing is to just dance flawlessly.

Excuse me.

Whyisn,t myname in the program? It is, silly.

You've got the most important part of all.

- "Curtain puller"?.

- No one can see the show ifthe curtain isn't open.

But my parents are counting on seeing me dance.

And I've worked ever so hard.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what again, class?.

- Communism! - That's right.

And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood just to roll out thewelcome mat forthe Reds.

[ Sighs ] All right.

I'll be the stupid curtain puller.

[ Grunts ] Smoothly.


I getyour pulla-pulla-pulla.

,Scuse me, Lisa, but I couldn,t help but overhearyournerdlypredicament.

Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing and the twisting and the kung fu fighting.

[ Gibberish ] I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop.

As you see, it responds to any percussive sound with an exuberant shaking ofits groove thing, yeah, yeah.

It's most entertaining, but how does that help me?.


[ Muttering ] Ooh! That's brilliant, Professor.

What will you think of next?.

Well, I also found this at the gift shop.

Isn't it cute?.

I'm hoping to turn it into a weapon.

[ Cackling Gibberish ] It'll kill ya.

I've gotta go now.

[ Roaring ] - Should I get the backup lion, Chief?.

- Would you?.

Can you see the lion anywhere?.

[ Snarling ] - Well, doyou see him or not?.

- [ Whimpers ] [ Whining, Imitating Lion ] Areyou saying he's right on the other side ofthat plant?.

[Whining ] - [ Snarls ] - Okay.

Run! - [ Roars ] - [ Screaming ] This way! [ Panting ] Uh-oh.

Bart, you're a genius.

[ Screams ] - You okay, Milhouse?.

- Nothing that a handful of gummy bears can't fix.

[ Both Chuckling ] Well, well.

Looks like the cat got the rat.

And that's the end ofthat tale.

And that's the end ofthat tale.

Okay, everyone.

We need big smiles out there, so line up for dimpling.

- Now this may hurt a lot.

What am I saying, "may"?.

- [ Both Gasp ] Ow! Now that's a happy face.

Little Vicki, I figured out how to dance.

I can be in the show now.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

People go to a children's dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism.

But-Butyou don't understand- [ Groaning ] I ate too much plastic candy.

Heavens to betsy.

The star ofthe show is sick.

Whateverwill we do?.

There's only one person who can get us out ofthis pickle.

- Lisa?.

- Yes?.

- Help me into Ralph's costume.

- [ Sighs ] - [ Fanfare ] - Showtime, children.

Let's go.

Okay, curtain puller.

This is your moment to shine.

Oh, it's too important.

I'll do it foryou.

[ Sighs ] Lean, muscular children of Mars, we bring you candy.

[ All Giggling ] - Let's walk overto them.

- Whywalkwhen you can dance?.

[Piano; Pop] - Where's Lisa?.

- Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

# On the spaceship Lollipop # # Gingerbread men like to do hip-hop # # And chocolate chips # - Huh?.

- [ Beeping ] [Tapping] #We just love to dance on Mars where everything- Oh.

There she is.

Hi, honey.


Look at her go.

Yeah, that pressure we put on her really paid off.

[Audience ] Ohh! Oh! [ Muttering ] Whoa! - What are you doing?.

- I can't help it.

It's the shoes.

Nobody upstages Little Vicki.

[ Hisses ] Oh, please stop.

I'm just getting started.

[Audience ] Ohh! [ Cheering ] Stop clapping! Whoa! Go, Lisa! Come on, everybody.

Give it up for my little girl.

- [ Screaming ] - [ Muttering ] Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all! [ Screaming ] [ All Screaming ] Lisa's gone berserk.

Do something, Homer.

Do something! - Oh.

Thanks, Dad.

- I didn't think.

Ijust acted.

- [ Electricity Crackling ] - Self-tapping shoes?.

I'm ever so pissed.

I'm sorry, Vicki.

I just wanted to be a dancer so badly.

[ Sighs ] I understand.

We all do crazy things when we're desperate.

I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating.

- Why?.

- He knows why.

Jesus, Mary and glavin! These shoes are in the off position.

You mean I danced all by myself?.

See, honey?.

All you needed was to believe- What are you talkin' about, Professor Frink?.

They're clearly in the on position.



" I was merely trying to spare the girl's feelings, you insensitive clod.


Ohh! Well, now that I look even closer- Forget it, Dad.

[ Sighs ] I guess I'm never gonna be a Broadway baby.

That's not true, honey.

You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind.

- You think so?.

- Sure.

It could be a story about people coming to terms with things.

Hey, yeah.

You could load it up with lots ofswears.

That's what David Mamet does.

Oh, I loveyou guys.


It's out ofits matrix! Nobody move! Why, it's just a cute little weasel.

Hello, there, Mr.


- Isn,t that cute?[Screaming] - [ElectricityCrackling] I,m down! [ Tapping] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Little Vicki] Tappa-tappa-tappa.