The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF16 - Kill the Alligator and Run

[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # KILL THE ALLIGATOR AND RUN [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ All ] Ow! Ow! Ow! - Ow! Ow! Hmm! Here's the mail, Dad.

That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.

And three makes three.

This isn't real money.

It's printed by the Montana Militia.

It'll be real soon enough.


My first issue of Self-Test Monthly.

Finally I get to find out what makes me tick.

- I'm betting it's hunger and rage.

- Yeah, but at what ratio? ''Are you a good driver?'' Yes.

''Are you a good lover?'' Yes.

Oh, I'm doing great! Dad, those are just the names of the quizzes.

- You're supposed to open the magazine.

- My way is easier.

Why don't you be the quizmaster and ask other people the questions.

Ooh, quizmaster, yes.

That would entertain me briefly.

Okay, Flanders, your love quiz score is 61 .

That makes you a Frigid Frieda.

I took off 30 points for all that crying you did.

[ Sniffles ] Well, it was a little insensitive giving me a sex test seeing that my wife just passed away.

- No way! When? - Six months ago.

You were at the funeral.

You fell into the grave.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.

I saw a gopher.

What a day.

-[ Bird Squawks ] - Okay, last question.

''Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?'' Oh, the little rat-faced one.

No, no, no.


He's so good to his mother.

According to this, you're both idiots.

Hey, thanks.

What do we owe you? Okay.

''There's a black widow at your door ''a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone.

''Do you, 'A'- none of the below, 'B'-'' Homie, for God sakes, it's 2:00 a.



I'll take the next quiz.

''How long will you live? In an average week, how many braised ribs do you eat?'' Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised? I don't know! I'm trying to sleep! Okay, ''nonsmoker- add eight years.

'' Hmm.

So according to this, I'll live to be- 42? Oh, that's horrible! I won't even live to see my children die.

[ Sobbing ] Now what's wrong? I've only got three more years to live.

Well, maybe you added it wrong.

Let me have it.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm-mmm-mmm! See? And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge.

They're put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business.

Oh, honey, don't panic.

If you just made a few lifestyle changes- No! [ Sobbing ] Can't sleep.

Gonna die.

Can't sleep.

Gonna die.

We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans.

Now before you did The Godfather.

there was Love Story.

Tell us about that.

Ah, Love Story.

The little picture that could.

Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? [ Chuckles ] You better believe they weren't.

But once that tearjerker hit John Q.

Popcorn it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way.

And the critics loved it too.

I remember Vincent Canby said- - I'm gonna kill you, Homer.

You are so dead.

- [ Screams ] Now Chinatown was a classic.

But you had problems with the sequel, The Two Jakes? Oh, boy.

Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili.

I said to myself, ''Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one- kill Homer Simpson.

'' - [ Screams, Whimpers ] - Hey, what's all the screaming? Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know? Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie.

A head doctor.

I'm not crazy.

It's the TV that's crazy! Aren't you, TV? The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday.

The solution? A snappy banner.

Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne and six drafts later, I had myself a party.

You see? Gibberish.

All gibberish.

So tell me, are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping? Well, we've got a Soloflex down at H.


Anyway, everything looks great, Mr.


I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely.

[ Whimpers ] You got to hide me.

Death is after me.

And I don't entirely trust these cowboys.

- Is this man an employee? - Of course not.

He's just a harmless maniac here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity.

Oh, God! What's he doing? That's it.

That's it.

A mother can't die.

And I'm a mother.

See? [ Nervous Laughing ] - [ Homer Whimpering ] - You hate your father, don't you? Sometimes.

But the guy I really hate is your father.

I shouldn't have brought that up.

I was just venting.

Anyhoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia which is provoking your erratic behavior.

Well, why isn't my baby gaining weight? - Because it's made of plastic.

- I see.

What you need is a good, long rest.

I suggest Florida.

Florida? But that's America's wang.

They prefer The Sunshine State.

- Mom, Bart's sitting next to me! - Mom, Lisa's growing! Quiet, you two.

You know your father's had a breakdown.

- My pockets hurt.

- Okay, honey.

We're almost to Palm Corners.

There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax.

[ Chattering, Cheering ] [ Tires Squeal ] [ All ] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Oh, no! We came during spring break! [ Gasps ] Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass! This looks like a terrible place to relax.

We're gonna get you to a- Huh? - [ Homer Laughing ] - [ Cheering ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Groans ] Party! Whoo-hoo! #Hey.

boys it's the wild weekend # # We did it then and we'll do it again # # We're having fun and we just got started # - [ Fades Out ] - This is terrible.

The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest.

Jealous of your boobs Not now [ Yawns ] Well.

enjoy your sightseeing.

I promise I won't leave this bed.

I trust you, honey.

[ Grunts ] Sweet dreams.

[ Kiss ] Uh, could you just shut off the- - Party! Party! Party! - [ Gasps ] Party! Party! [ Grunts ] Party? Now this is living! [ Cheering ] Whoo! Sepulveda here doing the veejay thing for the most out-of-control spring break ever! - And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard! - [ Beeping ] No! Not yet! I'm only 25! - [ Grunting ] - What up.

chew-toys? Cienega here tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls.

We've got Kid Rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys.

Whoo! I like music! - [ Rock ] - Yo! Yo! Straight out of Detroit, y'all.

It's the J-O-E to the C.

Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.

Oh, no! It's a lost child! Don't worry, folks.

I'll tackle him.

[ Grunts ] - [ Rock ] - Yo, Rock.

Tell spring break what your name is.

# My name is Kid # - # Kid Rock # - [ Singing Gibberish ] [ Continues ] And if you look to your left you'll see another endless stretch of stagnant water.

Oh, well, look who turned out to greet us, folks.

It's our town's most famous resident, Captain Jack.

- Look at the size of that gator.

- Is he a man-eater? - Only convicts and hoboes.

- Do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him? Afraid not.

Now years ago Captain Jack helped build Palm Corners by dragging sticks and stones from the swamps.

Legend has it he designed the town flag.

Say hello.

Captain Jack.

- [ Onlookers ] Ahh.

- [ Shutters Clicking ] Oh, he can crawl up through my toilet any day.

- [ Ends ] - [ Cheering ] Thank you! It's the pimp of the nation, Kid Rock, tearing it up at spring break, y'all! Now what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute.

Bring on the rappin' granny! What? She's hilarious.

You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party.

And we're gonna give props to the fallen by pouring a 40 on the curb.

[ Chattering ] But this ain't no 40-ounce curb.

- So we're gonna need 40 gallons, y'all! - [ Cheering ] - All for Homer.

- [ Crowd Booing ] - All for Homer.

- What the- - Hey, who's that fool? - Yo, let's waste that beeyotch! Beeyotch? Moi? [ Grunts ] - Ahh! Son of a- - [ Laughing ] - #We built this city on rock and roll # - [ Booing ] Uh-oh! [ Whimpers ] We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.

- Let's do this thing.

- All right now, boys, that's enough.

Kid Rock, that's not like you.


Joe C.


would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that? No, sir.

Please don't tell Mama.

They called you a pig, Sheriff.

Well, I don't care what they call me as long as they play ''Fist of Rage.

'' That's a good song.

[ Chuckles ] [ Groaning ] Oh, thank goodness! Where were you? Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen! Ohh! - I hope he didn't cause too much trouble, Sheriff.

- Ah, boys will be boys.

I reckon he was just blowing off a little steam.

[ Chuckles ] Doesn't he talk funny? [ Yawning ] Hey, my insomnia, it's gone.

Check it out, Marge.

I'm sane again.

And I owe it all to spring break! Whoo! Whoo! I'm an animal! Huh? Hey, where is everybody? Spring break is over.

It's time to get back to our studies.

The world looks to us, the college students, for leadership.


Be nerds.

I'll find some people who know the true meaning of the words ''par-tay.

'' #Louie Louie # #Oh.

no I said we gotta go # - # Yeah.



yeah - #We built this city # #This kick-ass city # #What kind of music built this city # # Rock and roll # - Dad, look out! - # Look out for what # - #The giant gator # - #The giant- [ Gasps, Screams ] - Oh, no! - [ Siren Wailing ] [ Gasps ] You killed Captain Jack.

You in a heap of trouble, son.

You'll have to catch me first! Uhh! - [ Crunching ] - [ Homer] OwI OwI OwI Okay.

I'll go quietly.

- [ Siren Wailing ] - [ Clicks ] - Did you really have to handcuff the children? - No, ma'am, I did not.

You seemed so understanding before.

What happened to ''boys will be boys''? You see, during spring break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way.

The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass.

- Okay, sweet pea, you're next.

- [ Sucking ] - Whoa! Looks like we got a teeny Houdini here.

- [ All Laughing ] Well, don't you worry, darlin'.

I got some baby cuffs in the station.


This is our chance.

[ Grunts ] Let's go! You can't drive, Dad.

He's got your license.

- I'm gonna try anyway.

- [ Engine Starts ] It worked! It's a miracle! - [ Tires Squealing ] - Oh, dang it! Now why does that only happen when nobody's looking? - [ Squawking ] - [ Siren Wailing ] - [ Wailing Continues ] - [ Banging ] - Pull over! - There's no good place! There's lots of good places! What about over there? - No shade! - [ Gunshots ] - [ Whistle Blowing ] - Huh? - [ Bell Clanging ] - Perfect.

Homer, no.

You'll kill us all.

Or die trying.

[ Grunts ] - [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ All Screaming ] - [ Siren Stops ] - Dang! - [ All Sighing ] - D'oh! - [ All Screaming ] - Dad, what do we do? - The only thing we can do.

Sit tight and try to get some sleep.

[ Snoring ] [ Metal Screeching ] [ Whinnying ] - [ Metal Screeching ] - [ Whistle Blowing ] [ All Snoring ] [ Yawns ] Hey, where's Dad? [ Grunts ] Rise and shine, everybody.

- You went to the snack car? - Yeah.

But first I talked to the engineer.

He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature.

[ All Screaming ] [ Homer] Oh! Okay.

Now am I the only one on fire? Good.

[ Screaming ] This family has hit a new low.

We're on the run from the law, totally lost no car, no money, no clean clothes and it's all your fault.

I love being married.

- A diner? - It's perfect! We can hide out here until the heat's off.

You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous.

- How do you know I'm gonna hire you? - Sorry.

I just want to be a broom boy so bad.

I like your attitude.

You're hired.

How about you, missy? - Do you want to be a mop girl? - Not really, no.

I like your honesty.

You're hired.

And you two haven't said a word.

I like that.

You're hired.

- Whoo-hoo! - Hey, keep it down.

Y'all can stay in this trailer.

- Now it ain't Buckingham Palace.

- Ohh! But I raised eight young-uns, three chilluns and a baby here.

- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Lisa ] EwI Oh, it's so cozy.

You're insincere.

I like that.

[Jukebox: Country ] - Can I top you off, hon? - No, thanks.

- More hash browns, sugar? - No, I'm good.

[ Man On Radio ] This just in.

Authorities in Six Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives.

They're charged with gatorcide and defrauding an Amtrak snack bar.

- [ Turns Off] - Trouble with the law, huh? Well, I'm not one to judge.

The way I see it, we're all sinners.

[ Humming ] Y'all just lie low here.

You'll be safe with ol' Velma.

- Stop that! - But I was just- - Scat! - gonna try to- - Go on now! - knock you out.

Just quit.

#Jimmy crack corn and I don't care # #Jimmy crack corn and I'm not there # #We built this city on rock and roll # # Something, something day Wow.

Look at all the stars you can see here.

Those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them.

I'm getting used to this country life.

Teacher says I'm whittling at a 1 0th grade level.

- And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.

- Too hot to bicker, I reckon.

You know, killin' that gator was the best decision I ever made.

- Got that right.

- Darn tootin'.

- Boy howdy.

- Yep, this place is great.

Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs.

- Yuck! - You mean when they marry other people.

Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

[ Snoring ] - [ Engine Starts ] - [ Tires Squealing ] [ Yawns ] Hey, wake up! We're moving! [ Siren Wailing ] - You just relax.

I'll have you in jail by suppertime.

- You'd better.

Hey, you're stealing my trailer! I like that.

Ew! The first appeal is State of Florida Vs The Simpsons family Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself.

Drunken hicks of the jury- [ Gasps ] [ Clanking ] [ Grunting ] We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together.

- Ow! - No talkin'.

You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Ow! I'm beginning to dislike the man with the whip.

[ Siren Wailing ] Afternoon, folks.

I got a new assignment for you.

The judge is having a little soiree - and he needs some help.

- Ow! No listenin'.

You hear me? Uh, no.

- You just don't learn, do you? - Ow! [ Chattering ] Champagne, madam? Ow! Son of a- And the gentleman? Ow! Damn it! - Simpson, we got a problem.

The jazz pianist didn't show up.

- What am I supposed to do? - [ Off-key ] - [ Chattering ] - Ow! - [Jazz ] [ Chattering ] Okay, Bart.

I'll sweet talk the sheriff while you grab his keys.

- What should I do? - Restock the possum bar.

We're almost out of claws.

- Ohh! - My goodness.

What a lovely suit, Sheriff.

Is that seersucker? Nah.

Not on a civil servant's salary.

It's near-sucker.

Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.


It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it.

Hoo-man! Dang, I wish I could.

But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.

Well, now.

[ Chuckles ] I might could switch you to dead animal pick up.

- HeyI - Ooh.

- Run! - [ Panting ] Huh? [ Groaning ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Homer Whimpers ] [ All Whimpering ] - Hey.

- Ooh.

Nice try.

I guess we just haven't been whipping you enough.

- [ Whimpers ] - Sake's alive! [ Growls ] Our beloved Captain Jack isn't dead after all.

[ Chattering ] Well, don't that beat all? I guess you folks just stunned him.

That's what we've been trying to tell you! Well, looks like you folks are free to go.

But don't you set foot in the state of Florida again.


There are plenty of other states that are happy to have us.

Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona.

- Arizona smells funny.

- [ Groans ] North Dakota, here we come.

I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore.

- That's South Dakota.

- Oh! [ Rock ] #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # #Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy # #Said the boogie Said up jump the boogie # [ Echoes ] #Love # [ Echoes ] #And for the hate - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!