The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF14 - Days of Wine and D'oh'ses

[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ All Screaming ] Ah, trash night.

In France they call it ''la nuit de poubelle.

'' In Germany it's ''crappenfest.

'' I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year.

Quit gabbin' and start grabbin'.

And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice.

[ Grunting ] See? A new pacifier for Maggie.

Lookee here! Cardy-board tubes! Now we can have indoor plumbin', just like they's got at the women's lockup.

They spoilt you, Brandine.

Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.

Ha! Look like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie.

He'll pay a lot to get this back.

Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.

- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Groaning ] [ Humming ] Shh! Quiet.

It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs.

Leon Spinks comics.

Worst crossover ever.

- [ Sniffing ] - Yeah.

[ Sniffing, Grunting ] - [ Screaming ] - Shoo, nerds! Shoo! [ Muttering ] Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.

Dad, that's a sports bra.

All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.

Look, Dad! Barber hair! [ Sniffing ] Ooh, Italian.

[ Chuckles ] Hey, Vinnie.

How's about a pizza? I got-a no job.

[ Chuckles ] [ Gasps ] Mamma mia! Look what the Hawaiian restaurant threw out.

Get out of my dreams and into my car.

[ High-pitched Humming ] - [ Humming Continues ] - I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.

[ Sniffs ] Good lord! That's gas! [ Groans ] Hmm.

- Hmm? - [ Homer's Voice ] Behold! I am King Talkie Tiki! [ Screaming ] Hey, Flanders.

Can your god do that? A-Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so- Irregardless! I am your god now.

Homer you can just re-wrap the gas line - Do you know how dangerous that is? - Do not anger Talkie Tiki! I am all power- [ Screams ] I'll be at Moe's.

[ Whimpering ] So I says to the cop, ''No you're driving under the influence of bein' a jerk!'' [ Laughing ] - [ Sighs ] - Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, glummy? You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered.

- What are you, nuts? - I threw you a party at my house.

You lie! Why would I not remember my own- [ Gulps, Sighs ] birthday? But we did have a shindig for you, Barn.

We even videotaped it.


[ Moe ] Oh, that's it, baby.

All for Moe.

Oh, yeah, work the slot.

Show me the package.


[ Laughs ] That's-That's a project I'm workin' on.


[ Bart ] Okay, Mom.

We're rollin'.

I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion.

''Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast''- - Bart.

- [ Bart Laughing ] Give me that.

[ Groans ] I'm just sayin' that when we die there's gonna be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese and we'll all be a lot happier.

- Mr.

Gumble, you're upsetting me.

- No, I'm not.


Is that what I look like when I'm drunk? You wish.

That's the stage we call ''Professor Barney.

'' Talkative, coherent, even insightful.

Here's drunk.

[ Stairs Squeaking ] [ High-pitched Voice ] Well, I'm off to market.

[ Burps ] Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours- Oh, it's just Barney.

[ Shouts ] [ Gasps ] Precious alcohol, soaking in the shag! [ Gulping ] - [ Growling ] - [ Whining ] Oh.

How embarrassing.

- Well, how did this happen? - Oh, that.

You've had that for a while.

Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.

Oh, I'm a disgrace! Disgracefully hilarious.

You passed out before we could even give you your presents.

I still got mine.

Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without- morning-after stationery.

- [ Laughing ] - And I got you helicopter-flyin' lessons.

Can you imagine this booze-bag at the wheel of a whirlybird? [ Laughs ] He'd be all, ''Look at me! I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!'' [ Laughing ] Ah, anyway, happy b-day, pumpkin.

So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me? Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tankin' up.

- [ Grunts ] - Hey, hey.

Where you goin'? I'll show you.

I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons.

Wait a minute, Barney.

You gotta be sober to fly.

I mean, it's not like driving a car.

- Then I'm gonna quit drinkin'! - [ Laughing ] - No, I mean it.

- [ Laughing Continues ] You won't see me here again, ever! Wait.

That ain't funny.

He's my best customer.

Well, the handwriting's on the wall.

To stay afloat, this bar is gonna have to go queer.

You mean it's not? Oh.

[ Clicks Tongue ] Wrong again, Gay Guide to Springfield.

Farewell, my longneck friends.

[ Grunts ] [ Shatters ] All right, world.

Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumble.

Whee! Give me a beer.

I knew you'd be back.

Santeria, you're the greatest.

Barney, didn't you say you were going to stop drinking? I know, but it's so hard! Please help me, Homer.

You came to the right guy.

I'll straighten you out right after I finish this beer.

- Mmm.

[ Gulping ] - Ohh.

- Mmm.

- Ohh.

[ Mumbling ] Oh, man, that's sweet.

Okay, let's go.

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want A.


This is Triple ''A.

'' Oh.

My name is Homer, and I'm planning a trip to Saint Louis.

- East Saint Louis? - Is there any other Saint Louis? [ Chattering ] Uh, welcome back, Homer.

I see you finally hit rock bottom.

[ Raspberries ] Not a chance.

I can sink way lower.

I just came to help my friend Barney.

We all know why we're here, don't we? To keep ourselves sober, and to network.

So let's get started.

Well, after I lost my third job in two days old Gil was in a pit of despair.

And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic? Oh, no, I never touch the stuff.

But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.

- [ Gasping ] - Now, this is used crankcase oil which you ladies know is murder to clean up,you know? And company's coming- Oh! You're doing this at the worst possible time.

Oh, your finger's in my eye! I have a problem with alcohol and I need help.

Well, your recovery begins today.

And we promise you all the sugar cookies and secondhand smoke you can handle.

These sugar cookies you speak of are they real or symbolic? They're on that table over there.

Oh, I don't wanna walk that far.

Anything that takes 1 2 steps isn't worth doin'.

Get it? Huh? Twelve? [ Laughs ] Steps? [ Giggles ] Hey, how did I get out here? - [ Instrumental ] - [ Giggles ] Hurt everyone.

- Did Ga Ga just say ''Hurt everyone''? - [ Laughs ] Ga Ga- Cute name.

- [ Man ] The Springfield phone book needs a new cover.

- [ Together] It does? Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize.

To enter, send your film to this address.

Too quick? Try again.

Did you get it? Here it is.

Coming in from the left.

Don't delay.

Do it today! - You think we should enter? - Well, it shouldn't be too hard to beat the old photo.

[ Bart ] Ugh.

- Hmm.

- It's gotta be here somewhere.




Hey, here's a camera.

And it's still got a roll of film in it.

Man, these old cameras are really built solid.

- Bart, we need that to win the contest.

- Win the what now? [ No Audible Dialogue ] [ Inhales, Exhales ] Here goes.

So he's so busy worrying about the front rotor, he walks right into the back one.

Only in this business.

I'd like to sign up for helicopter lessons.

Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds.

- I got a coupon.

- Okay, get in.

Elvis played a chopper pilot one time.

[ Chuckles ] He made so many darn mistakes we were just laughin' at him.

- Great singer though.

- Oh, absolutely.

You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo Sayer.

Anyway, we're nice and level now.

How would you like to take the controls? - You think I'm ready? - Sure, I do.

One sec.

Testing, black box.

One, two.

[ Screaming ] She's all yours, friend.

[ Grunting ] Whoa.




Hey, I think I'm gettin' it! Yes, that's great.

Now let's just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here.

[ Grunting ] Whoo.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

It's okay.

That's what the diapers are for.

Now when the mama bird returns to feed her babies we'll have a prize-winning picture.

Lisa, people these days don't wanna see a baby bird.

They wanna see celebrities at their worst.

[ Bell Dings ] - Mmm.


- Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? - Check out the gut.

- It's for a movie.

I'm playing a fat secret agent.



Hey, Homer.

Uh, no, no, no.

Don't sit there.

Take this seat- right next to the tap.

But that's Barney's seat.

Are you trying to make me the new Barney? Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.

Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seems less raging.

Well, forget it, guys.

I am not Barney.

- [ Burps ] - [ Laughing ] See, Homer? It's not so bad.

- Now dance, rummy.

- O-Okay.

[ Humming ] You danced for hours just because they told you to? If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.

- [ Helicopter Whirring ] - Huh? - [ Gasps ] - Check it out, Homer.

I'm flyin' this thing.

Get it away from the house! - Wanna go for a ride? - Can I, Marge? Can I? - Yes, go.

Just go.

- [ Yowls ] Oh, you missed some big changes at Moe's.

He hangs newspapers over the urinals now.

You can read the sports page while you pee.

Very la-di-da.

I've made some big changes too.

Can you believe I'm flyin' this helicopter? - Power lines.

Power lines! - Whoops.


Whoa! - When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's- - Wasted? What about our staring contests? And the way we always knew what football coaches should've done.

Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker? Those are all priceless memories, Homer but I don't wanna do that stuff anymore.

- Oh, so you're better than me.

Is that it? - I didn't say that.

- Take me home.

- Oh, don't be that way, Homer.

- I'll scream.

- Okay, okay.

So how was your ride with Barney? I don't wanna talk about it.

[ Sobbing ] - [ Door Closes ] - [ Sobbing Continues ] [ Mumbles ] [ Mumbling ] [ Grunting ] Stupid Barney.

Thinks he's too good for me.

Cheer up, Homie.

You don't need friends to be happy.

I haven't had a friend in years.

But you got me.

Who have I got? Oh.

Well, you still have Lenny and Carl.

Oh, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost 'em as friends- If Barney's that important to you, you've gotta work it out.

Old friends stick together, like O.


and A.


, or the Falcon and the Snowman.

Oh, why can't I have a nickname? [ Groans ] - [ Whining, Panting ] - [ Lisa ] Okay, that's it.

Looks good.

Oh, Bart the bulldog didn't ante.

Okay, on three.

One, two- Perfect.

Phone book cover, here I come.

Ha-ha! Hey! No fair! Oh, we'll never get a good picture.

Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head? - That picture's a clich�.

- Picture? Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.

They're in the safety cabinet.

I'll get the key.

[ Bell Dings ] - Oh, hello, Homer.

- Barney.

- Beer, huh? - That's right.

- Enjoy.

- That I will.

- Then we agree.

- You keep thinking that.

- I will.

- Me too.

- Good day then.

- Good day then is right.

- Ta.

- Ta-ta.

- [ Bell Dings ] - Hey, you did not pay for that beer! [ Yelps ] [ Birds Twittering ] Boy, you can see everything from Mount Springfield- - The Squidport, the old monorail- - [ Bart ] The Rlay-Doh factory.

- [ Buzzer Buzzes ] - Crescent moon! Crescent moon! Come on, Springfield.

Sparkle for me, baby.

That's it.

Heads up! Ow! Bart, that's hot.

I said heads up.

Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you and focus on how you suck, but not me.

To me, you're true-blue.

- Aw, thanks, big guy.

- Now dance, rummy.

- Okay.

[ Humming Off-key ] - Hiya, Moe.

Well, if it isn't little Miss ''I'm not wasting my life anymore'' which he is.

Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years.

- Oh, that's okay, Barn.

- No, it's not okay.

I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.

Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

This is a Channel 6 News bulletin.

Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield trapping two youngsters and their camera.

Oh, no.

That's Bart and Lisa! Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, Fireball and Mudflap.

I caught up with Burt on the set.

So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap.

Well, I playJerry ''Fireball'' Mudflap a feisty Supreme Court justice, who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race.

It's garbage.

Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids.

I can't.

I've never flown solo.

Barney, the call is from heroism.

Will you accept the charges? [ Groaning ] Where are you going? The fire's that way.

I know.

I know.

I haven't learned right turns yet.

- Aaah! Look out! - [ Shouts ] - [ Shouts ] - Aaah! - [ Grunts ] - [ Horns Honking ] [ Tires Screeching ] I can't do this.

My nerves are shot.

- [ Grunting ] - [ Horn Honking ] [ Tires Squealing ] - Beer! That's what I need! - Barney, no! Don't! Yes! I need it.

[ Groans ] No! You've gotta be sober for this.

Give me that.

[ Gulping ] Ew, it's warm.

- You can't drink 'em all.

- Oh, yes, I can.

- I'll- - [ Grunting ] Give me that.

I won't let you give up now when you worked so hard- [ Slurring ] to be the greatest pal in the world.

I love you.

Let's not lose touch after graduation.

[ Snoring ] You brave man.

You took six silver bullets for me.

Stay away from my wife.

[ Mumbles ] Looks like it's up to me.

- [ Sighs ] - We should be safe up here.

I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.

- Ow! - Dad! - Hi, kids! [ Laughs ] - Hang on.

I'll throw you a ladder.

[ Shouting ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Screams ] Get off!.

Get off!.

[ Groans ] [ Grunting ] - Dad, help! - Help! All right, I'm comin'.

[ Both Shouting ] Let me know if you're gonna do that again, Homer.

[ Shouting ] - You did it, Dad! - You can't prove I did it.

No! You saved our lives.

I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

- What? - Now there's a picture.

[ Shutter Clicks ] Kids! The new phone books are here and your picture's on the cover! - All right! - Whoa! Cool! Let me see! [ Screaming ] Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film.

Oh, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.

Well, at least we won the bike.

Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage.

- What? - How could you? Just kidding.

I would never do that.

[ Gasping ] - Well, I'm glad we're friends again.

- Yeah.

- So what do you call this stuff? - A double tall mocha latte.

It's not bad.

Well, it ain't beer.

But at least I got that monkey off my back.

[ Gulping ] Ah.

[ Gulping ] Oh.

[ Gulping ] Oh.

[ Burps ] Ha, ha.

Nobody gets away from Moe.


[ Steam Hissing ] [ Laughing ] [ Coughing ] Oh.

[ Laughs, Coughs ] Oh.

- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!