The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF13 - Bart to the Future

[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Whines ] [ Lisa ] How much farther to the campground? Let's see.

Judging from the bug buildup.

we're gettin' close.

I'm not sure mosquito season is the best time to visit Lauraville Lake.


you're gonna want to turn around.

The bugs are firmly in charge.

- What? - Please.

just go.

They've taken the Visitors Center! They-They ate the comment book! All right.


[ Loud Buzzing ] [ Screaming ] Hey! Hey! My class ring! Oh.

thanks a lot.

Hey! An Indian casino! [ Homer] God bless Native America! Let's go.


Come on! Come on! Come on! Homer.

you know I had a gambling problem.


what better place to celebrate your recovery than amidst the frenzied excitement of the casino floor? - [ Questioning Groan ] - Lisa? Uh.

something troubles me about Indian gaming.

On the one hand.

the revenue helps the tribe.

Sure we can't talk you into it? - No minors.

- Yeah.

but I really want- Sorry.


Although they seem strange to us.

we must respect the ways of the Indian.

[ Chanting ] Hi.

how are ya? Hi.

how are ya? Hi.

how are ya? Hi.

how are ya? [ Groans ] I gotta get in that casino.

The Great Gabbo demands a free night in the presidential suite while performing.

We'll give you a free pass to the pasta bar.

The Great Gabbo accepts your terms.

[ Gasps ] Ooh.

[ Chuckles ] Ooh.

- [ Bart Laughing ] - Quiet.


I'd like to introduce you to my little wooden friend.

He's in his box.

pining away.

- [ Laughing ] - [ Banging ] - Say hello to- - [ Gasping ] - [ Crowd Exclaiming ] - Gabbo! You've become a real boy! All right! Time for some underage gambling.

So long.

sucker! Eep! [ Gasps ] Your linen service has broken many promises to us.

Laundry bill soar like eagle.



you like to sneak into casinos.

I wasn't gonna gamble.

I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

Listen to me.

Unless you change your deceitful ways I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you.

Bart Simpson.

- How'd you know my name? - Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs.

You're listed as collateral.


I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future.

- Who says I'm not? - Whoa! If you want to see your future throw a treasured personal item into the fire.

- Okay.

[ Grunts ] - [ Explodes ] - Not a firecracker! - Hey! I bought it from a guy on your reservation.

- That's Crazy Talk.

- No.

It's true.


I know.

That's my brother.

Crazy Talk.

We're all a little worried about him.

Now look into the flame.

Look ahead 30 years to the man you will become.

[ Bart ] Eww! That's me in the future? - [ Chief] Quiet.

You're about to say something.

- [ Belches ] - [ Out OfTune Chords ] - Check.



Capital City.

- [ String Breaks ] - Oh.

way to make a guitar.


[ Ralph ] Hey.


Any clean towels? Nah.

Use this.

I'm sick of having to dry myself with a newspaper! You could at least do some laundry.

I pay the rent.


you know I'm good for it.

I'll have plenty of money when my lawsuit pays off.

You mean the spider bite at Disneyland? Or the incident with the over salted fries.

[ Knocking ] Hologram for Bart Simpson.

- [ Whirring.

Crackling ] - [ Nelson ] Hey.


Your band can play at my club tonight.

- Yes! - [ Exhales ] But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp.

Smell ya later! I can't believe ''Smell ya later'' replaced ''Good-bye.

'' - Smell ya later! - [ Bart.

Ralph ] Smell ya later.

All right! We got our first gig! But you traded your amplifier for a boogie board.

No prob.

I'll just mooch some green off my folks.

- Should we take the hover bus or the non-hover bus? - Non-hover.

[ Gulping ] Bleh! This virtual fudge tastes like crap.



Not half as good as cyber-fudge.


It's me! [ Screams ] Oh.

what a bleak.

horrible future we live in! - Don't you mean ''present''? - Right.




can I get you some Soylent Green? - Isn't that made of people? - Oh.

here we go.



My band finally got a break.

I just need a little moola to get my amp out of hock.

How 'bout a little loan-ski? Oh! I'm tired of giving you money.

Why can't you be more like Lisa? Oh.

I am so sick of hearing about Lisa! Just because she's doing a little better than me- She's president of the United States! President ''elect.

'' I could've been president.

but I'm too real.

People can't deal with what I'm laying down.

They're just.




You can't say that.

'' And I'm.


''Watch me.

'' - We're not giving you money.

- Oh.

but I want some.

You should've thought of that before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute.

What happened to you.

man? You used to be cool.

- I'm still cool! - Nah.

You've changed.



I do have this robotic prostate.

But you can't see it.


you can.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Flanders is a soft touch.

He'll give us the money for sure.


is that you? Mr.


you're blindeded! Oh.


I never should've had that trendy laser surgery.


it was great at first.


you know.

at the 1 0-year mark.

your eyes fall out.

- Listen.


- Oh.



How much this time? Dude.

you got me all wrong.


Just answer me this.

Are you holding your mooching sack? My little one.


you're never gonna grow up if I keep bailing you out.



help me help myself.


all right.

But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.

- Hey.

y'all ready to party? - [ Electrical Crackling ] - [ Loud Feedback ] - [ Screaming ] Now we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffett song but he uncooly charges people to cover them.

So here's a Captain Bart original.

#Wasted once more in Daiquiritaville # - Rip-off!.

- Get off the stage! [ Angry Shouting ] We need more power! The shield won't hold much longer! [ Chirping ] [ Backfires ] Oh.


I've got half a beer in there.

and Bewitched is on.

Now we've got no home.

no money.

and our band's going nowhere and it's all your fault! Smell ya later.

Bart! Smell ya later forever! Oh.

he's right.

I'm a loser.

There's only one way out of this mess.

[ Groaning ] From around the globe to your frontal lobe.

this is Brain Vision News.

Tonight's winning lotto number- 446.

Damn! I was so close! I had 3 27! In other news.

President Elect Lisa Simpson moves into the White House tomorrow.

The 17 -bedroom home features free long distance.

laundry service and three food kitchens.

So I'm the president's no-good brother.


Lisa's the president? I'm a pathetic loser? I gotta be honest.

I'm not loving this vision.

The fire has more wisdom to impart to you.

In three.

two- Excellent question.


I am proud to be America's first straight female president.

- Helen? - Wasn't I wearing a hat? Yes.


you were.

Now in conclusion.

my administration will focus on the three R's: reading.

writing and refilling the ocean.

Thank you very much.

As you know.

we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump.

- How bad is it.

Secretary Van Houten? - We're broke.

The country is broke? How can that be? Well.

remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake.

The Balanced Breakfast Program just created a generation of ultra-strong super criminals.

And Midnight Basketball taught them to function without sleep.

What about my pledge to build the world's largest bookmobile? Isn't there any money left for that? No.

And we've borrowed from every country in the world.



Call off your- [ Grunts ] - Bart! - Ow! Watch the ponytail.

Let him up.


What are you doing here? I knew you'd need some help keeping it real so I figured I could be like your co president.

Co president? Are you crazy? Mom.

Lisa won't share! - Be nice to your brother.


- [ Groans ] - [ Homer Chomping ] - [ Bart Moans ] Don't you think we should wait for Lisa? She is the president.

She knows what time dinner is.

[ Chomping ] [ ''Hail to the Chief''] - [ Chomping Continues ] - Sorry I'm late.

I've been racking my brain.

trying to think of something to cut from the budget.

[ Nervous Whistling ] [ All Chomping ] - Hey.

where's Maggie? - Here she is! And look how big she's gotten! Aw,just like her mommy, Maggie Senior.


what did everyone do today? - Appointed a supreme court justice.

- Oh! - Bewitched marathon.

- [ Marge Groans ] - Searched for Lincoln's gold.

- Dad.

that's just a myth.

Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House.

Then what is his ghost protecting? Hey! That's my helicopter.


I sent it to pick up Ralph.

No one was using it.

I fell out two times.


you do not send a billion-dollar helicopter to pick up your drinking buddy.

- You've changed.


You used to be cool.

- No.

I didn't.

I am proud to honor the players of the Negro Leagues of Rollerball.

And as we strive for the desegregation of all death sports we cannot help but be inspired by- - [ Bart ] Heads! - [ Grunts ] Hey.

you guys owe me a Frisbee.

A new one.


get out of here! Relax.


You'll live longer.

I can't relax.

Being president is hard work! - Maybe you should try doing something with your life.

- I'm gonna.


Did you even call about that messenger job? Yeah.

But they said I wouldn't get my first check for two weeks.


they're making major interest on my salary.

- Hey.

maybe I could sue 'em! - [ Groans ] Fourscore and four, fourscore and five fourscore and six.

fourscore and seven paces.

- [ Grunts ] - Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold? You just started counting from an arbitrary place.

- I started what from a what? - Your plan makes no sense.

Gold bars discovered by Marge? Zero! Gold bars discovered by Homer? Well.

let's just see.

- [ Gasps ] - Oops.



- Gold bars discovered by Homer? - Shut up.

If I'm gonna bail the country out, I'll have to raise taxes.

But in my speech.

I'd like to avoid calling it ''a painful emergency tax.

'' What about ''colossal salary grab''? See.

that has the same problem.

We need to soften the blow.


if you just want to out-and-out lie- Okay.

We could call it ''a temporary refund adjustment.

'' - I love it.

- Really? What else do you love.

Lisa? - Fiscal solvency.

- Oh.


Me too.

- Thirty seconds.

Madam President.

- Hey.


I need a favor.

Not now.


I'm about to speak to a hundred million people.

- This speech could make or break my presidency.

- I hear ya.

I want you to play my demo tape in the background while you're yakkin' about whatever.


this play button is a little screwed up.

so you gotta hold it down.

- Are you insane? - What? You told me I should do something with my life.

- Five seconds.

-[ Loud Clattering ] Mom! [ Clears Throat ] My fellow Americans.

and voting illegal aliens.

I will not mince words.

Your country needs you.

That's why today I'm proposing a temporary refund adjustment.

Refund? Hey.

sounds good to me.

- Sure beats a tax.

- We love you.

President Simpson! The months ahead will be long and arduous but it is only through arduousity that- # If you like refund adjustments and the music I play # # Send a check to my friend Ralph # - #And he'll mail you a tape - [ Nervous Chuckling ] Uh.

this is my brother.

Bart who doesn't seem to realize this isn't the best time for his music.

He's one of the people I want to help with my programs.



My music is gonna make it a lot easier for America to swallow your big tax hike.

- [ Lisa Gasps ] - Tax hike! Hold the phone.

Mabel! - I never trusted her.

- Don't blame me.

I voted for Chastity Bono! # Daylight come and you want-a my tape # #Tape He say tape-o # - # Post Office Box 30452 - Good night.


- And we're out.

- Why.

you little- - [ Grunting ] - Help! Secret Service! [ Gagging.

Gasping ] According to polls.

Americans have emphatically said ''smell ya later'' to President Simpson's refund adjustment.

And that's the news.

- We'll smell you later at 11 :00.

- [ Crackling.

Beeps ] Thanks a lot.


All right.

How can we pay off our foreign debt? I'm afraid it looks pretty grim.

We're gonna have to give them the amber waves of grain the purple mountains majesty and the shores of Tripoli.

We don't own the shores of Tripoli.

Shh! By the time they find out.

we'll have taken our cyanide pills.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here and gently remind them of America's past generosity? - [ Chattering ] - Yeah.

Now that I like! Oh.

But Bart could screw everything up.

- You want him eliminated? - No.

Just keep him out of my hair.

- Out of your hair with extreme severity? - No! Come on.

Every president gets three secret murders.

If you don't use them by the end of the term.

phht! They're gone.

All right.

Which one of you suits ran over my moped? - I just put a dollar's worth of gas in that thing.

- We're having a meeting.

- You had a meeting this morning! - I have a lot of meetings.

I'm the president! Of what? The United States of Dorksylvania? [ Laughs ] Don't leave me hanging.

Greenspan! You know something.

Bart? You're right.

My lack of coolness is really holding America back.

Thank you.

Down low.

Too slow! [ Chuckles ] You're too much.


That's why I'm appointing you Secretary of Keeping It Real.

Wow! You're really askin' for my help? Absolutely.

I want you and your pals to go away to Camp David and write up a report on coolness.


if my country needs me- - Can we skinny-dip? - At Camp David? Sure! They couldn't keep pants on Kissinger.


- [ Excited Chattering ] - [ Bart ] Settle down.

Settle down! I invited you guys here to help me with this report.

Any ideas? Let's start off with a joke.

I got one.

Give me that.


what's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake? I don't know any pancakes that were nuked by India! [ Laughing ] What? Too soon? Come on.


We gotta buckle down here.

When we're finished.

we can go through Bill Clinton's porno stash.

[ Excited Shouting ] - We got redheads! - [ Chuckling ] [ Groans ] Lisa's counting on me for this coolness report.

- Coolness report? - [ Gasps ] - You've been had.


- Billy Carter's ghost! Damn straight.

And I'm here to tell ya you've been sent on a wild goose chase.

You mean Lisa wanted to get rid of me? Well.

that's a big 1 0-4.

When my brother Jimmy was making peace in the Middle East he sent me to Belly Flop Academy.

I guess I am an embarrassment.

You sure are.

But hey! There's an embarrassment of riches at the Caesar's Pow-Wow Indian Casino! You can bet on it! [ Clicks Tongue ] [ Bart ] You put an ad in my vision? Yeah.

Crazy Talk came up with that.

He got idea from Dances with Focus Groups.

[ Homer Grunting ] Marge.

I did it! I found Lincoln's gold! - [ Gasps ] - Huh? ''Dear countryman.

you have come in search of my gold.

and I will not disappoint you.

'' Oh.

boy! Oh.

boy! Oh.

boy! ''My gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American.

'' - Aw.

crap! - ''It's in our mighty rivers.

our majestic''- Well.

isn't that clever? It's a metaphor.

That lying.


theater-going freak! - Pay your debt! - [ Speaks French ] - We demand remittance.

- Please.

calm down! We can work something out.

We Germans are not a warlike people.

but even we have limits! Right! Let's bash a noggin! - Yeah.

get her! - That's the spirit! You guys should relax.

You'll live longer.


you're supposed to be at Camp David! You're meeting with debt collectors.

and you don't want my help? Do you know how crazy that is? Guys.

the thing is.

we totally have the money.

and we tried to wire it to you.


the thing is.

we totally have the money.

and we tried to wire it to you.

But you know how banks screw up.

[ French Accent ] I do not understand.

- We tried to call you all day Saturday.

- We were there Saturday.


I know.

I left a message with some guy named Hans.

- Hans? - He might've been a temp.

Very surly.

We have had a lot of turnover.

You pay now! Now! What happened to you.

China? You used to be cool.


China is still cool.

You pay later! Later! Solid.

The rest of you.

go on home and look in your mailboxes 'cause I totally remember sending checks out.

[ Murmuring Agreement In Various Languages ] Mm-hmm.


Bart! You bought us some time.

What can I do to thank you? - Legalize it.

- Legalize what? Oh! Oh.

Consider it done.

Tasty! That calls for some tune-skis.

[ Guitar: Surf Rock.

Warped ] Oh.

great! Anyone have a paper clip? It gets kind of hazy after that.

Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold? I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin.


the point is.

you still have the power to change your future.

- I'll do my best.

- You're a good kid.

Here's a coupon for some crab claws.


this is expired! There you are! c'mon We have to go Dad pushed a waitress.

and Mom lost $20.


You're not gonna believe it.


This cool Indian guy showed me our future.

- Really? Anything good? - I'll say.

I've got my own band and a moped.

- What about me? - Eh.

some government job.

- [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Bart ] Moochie-moochie!