The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF12 - Pygmoelian

[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Groans, Gasps ] [ Alarm Blaring ] Fire! Fire! Fire! [ Gasps ] Oh, no! What do I save? [ Screeches ] Trophies, trophies.

Oh- Ooh! Attendance.

Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! Get in.

Move it.

This is not a drill.

Good work, everyone.

We're sure to be first in line for Duff Days.

You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival? [ Chuckles ] I know.

I'm a character.

Now, a little beer music to get in the mood.

- [ Rolka ] - [ Both Gasp ] Looking for these? [ Humming ] - [ Stops ] - [ Both Sigh ] [ Polka ] Drink Duff [ Softly ] responsibly.

Drink Duff [ Softly ] responsibly.

- Now, which one of you is our designated driver? - [ Homer Grunting ] - Twist off, damn it! - [ Moaning ] I guess I'll be driving.

Right this way to the Duff Designated Drivers' Rockin' Fun Zone.

Rockin' Fun Zone? That sounds fun.

I don't see the need for razor wire.

Ooh, there's Ulysses S.

Grant, Babe Ruth- [ Gasps ] Ben Franklin.

Early to bed.

[ Hiccups ] Early to rise.

Ya think-Ya think you're better than me? Huh? [ Groans ] Okay, kids, who wants to see what it's like to get drunk? [ All Shouting ] [ All Moan ] [ Screaming ] Now you're charming.

You don't know me.

[ Moaning ] This guy here, this is the guy.

[ Laughing, Moans ] [ Man ] All right, Springfield belly up for the Duff Beer-tender of the year contest.

Now, fresh from his appearance before the House Subcommittee on Teenage Alcoholism - [ Dance Rock ] - Duff Man! Are you ready for some Duff love? - [ Cheering ] - All right! Today, we're gonna find out which of these bartenders - has the right stuff to dispense Duff? - [ Dance Rock ] From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport - Michael Finn.

- [ Cheering ] From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California, Titania.

[ Cheering ] And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug- oh,yeah- give it up for Moe Szyslak.

Hello, Springfield.

How ya- - [ Moaning ] - [ Cheering ] Whoo-hoo-hoo! Okay, our first event qualifies for course credit at Dartmouth College- Trick Pouring.

[ Man ] #For goodness sake # #I got the hippy, hippy shakes # # Yeah, I got the shakes [ Carl Chuckles ] That spells ''Duff.

'' Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else.

I think we know who wins this round.

- Titania! - [ Cheering ] Duff Beer is brewed from hops, barley and sparkling clear mountain what? - [ Bell Dings ] - Goat.

- Uh, close enough! - [ Cheering ] [ Sighs ] You can really taste the goat.

making the previous rounds a complete waste.

- [ Dance Rock ] - [ Cheering ] Don't forget.

Today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff calendar.

All right, guys, one, two, three.

Moo? Lenny, you were supposed to be ''E.

'' See what happens when you skip rehearsal.

[ Fanfare] All right, bartenders, toss your drunks.

- [ Grunts ] And stay out! - [ Cheering ] - [ Moaning ] - Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk.

Duff Man says a lot of things.

Oh, yeah! Hmph! [ Straining ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Gasping ] [ Crowd Sighs ] - [ Groans ] - [ Cheering ] And the winner, Moe Szyslak! Oh, that's great.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete with the mick and the, uh, chick with the rack there.

- Yeah, all right, Moe! - That's my Moo! And now, to take your official calendar portrait Duff's vice president in charge of calendars and fake I.


's Phil Angelides! [ Cheering ] - [ Gasps ] - That's a mug you don't wanna chug.

Knock it off, Larry.

We can't put this face on our calendar.

[ Grunting ] When I get home, there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars.

That one.

- Kids, would you like a balloon? - Yeah, right, Mom.

Then I'd like a rattle and a ''wollypop.

'' Actually, I would like a ''wollypop.

'' Those balloons won't biodegrade for If Bart gets a wollypop, I want a wollypop.

Ah, Maggie wants a balloon.

And Daddy will take a hand stamp so he can get back in.

- [ Groans ] -Just kidding.

Remember my face.

[ Moe] Ah, boy.

[ Moans ] [ Groans ] Moe, the new Duff calendars are out- the ones with your picture! Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.

Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1 973 and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you.

Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated for this state and real.

Now, let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-llenium! Hey-They put a sticker over my face.


''Viva la''- ''Kiss Me''- What? Hey! Ah, for the love of Jeff.

Ah! Oh.

Am I really that ugly? - Moe, it's all relative.

Is Lenny really that dumb? - Huh? - Is Barney that drunk? - [ Moans ] - Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? - [ Sighs ] Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought! - [ Sobbing ] - [ Sobbing ] See, this is why I don't talk much.

I can't believe they put those stickers over my face.

[ Sighs ] I must be the ugliest man alive.

Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you.

Like, you ever been to White Castle? Oh, boy.

Pigtown, U.



Come on.

Look at me.

I'm a gargoyle what, with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips- - Little rat eyes.

- Caveman brow.

- Don't forget that fish snout.

- Okay, I get it.

I ain't pleasant to look at.

- Or listen to.

- Or be with.

Come on, Moe.

Don't feel bad.

There's too much emphasis on looks these days.

That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight.

Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery? Plastic surgery, huh? Maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.

I don't know.

Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside but you still might feel bad on the inside.

But I'd look good on the outside, right? - Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.

- Plastic surgery it is! - Carl Carlson, you just saved my life.

- [ Cash Register Dings ] Hey! Get outta there.

- [ Giggling ] - Look at her.

Must be great to be a baby and be so easily amused.

I wish I could be entertained by two cents worth of rubber shaped like some colorful animal dancing and twirling, dancing and twirling.

- Hey, give me that! - It's mine! [ Whimpering ] - [ Screams ] - The door! - [ Grunts ] - [ Wind Gusting ] Oh, no! [ Sobs ] Okay, don't panic.

I'll get the bikes.

I hope they're hoverbikes.

- Oh, man, that would be so awesome! - [ Moans ] Mm-hmm.



[ Imitates Bomb Falling, Exploding ] - It's hopeless, ain't it? - No, no, no, I love a challenge.

First, we must install buttocks.

Nah, nah, nah, no luxury items.

Just a face.

Okay, I'm gonna move this up.

This wider.

I'm gonna lose that.

I've never even seen one of these.

Can the medical mumbo jumbo.

Can you fix me or not? Well, we'll see.

You know, most faces need a little remodeling but this is a total teardown.

Let me clean up this mess I made.

Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! Oh, stop it.

You're worse than Faye Dunaway.

[ Bart Grunting ] Oh, we've gotta get closer.

[ Moans ] I'm trying.

Can't I get on your shoulders? I'm not riding a girl's bike.

Hey, it's getting away! Step on it.

Hyah! Hyah! - Stop kickin' me! - Hyah! Ooh, boy, what a mug! Yeah.

You should see his genitals.

Would you like to see them? I'm awake here.


This isn't anesthetic.

It's new car smell.

Sorry, Doctor.

Ho! # Silver bells # # Silver bells # It's going into that building.

[ Bart ] Nice suit,Jeeves.

Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! Oh, that's my little dude.

We need a symbol.

Something that says we're gay and Republican.

A little on the nose, don't you think? Excuse me.

We just came to get our balloon.

- Here you go.

And have a bumper sticker.

- Thank you.

- ''A gay president in 2084''? - We're realistic.

Hurry! Hurry up! I have to pee! - Beautiful.

- Okay, now do Moe.

Well, Moe, now we see if you go on my wall of fame, or my blooper reel.


[ Groans ] - [ Both Gasp ] - What? I'm a monster, right? I knew it.

I guess I'll just crawl back to live in a sewer periodically emerging to sue you.

[ Gasps ] Is that me? Oopsie.

We got some leakage.

Let me just cauterize that for you.

- [ Searing ] - [ Moe Moaning ] - Bye, Moe.

- Don't be a stranger, handsome.


Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome.

Me? It's like I've gone to heaven.

Uh- Wait a minute.

I died on the operating table, didn't I? Yeah, but just for a minute.

It's a funny story.

I'll tell you sometime.

- So this is all real? - Oh, you dear, dear man.

You're one of us beautiful people now.

And your new life begins today.

A new life.

A second chance for revenge.

That brown patch needs a little H2O.

Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff Man, let's see how you like a sticker on your face! Yeah! Duff Man can't breathe.

Oh, no! Oh! - [ Doorbell Rings ] - Hello.

Yeah, hello yourself.

I'm Moe Szyslak.

Back in high school, I asked you to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance and you turned me down.

Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then.

And I feel terrible about hurting you.

- Will you accept my apology? - Apology? Uh, geez.

I wasn't expecting that.

Uh- Run! Man, that felt great! Okay, last stop, Channel 6.

You gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers? Nah, nah, nah.

This is personal.

It all goes back to my acting days.

I was auditioning for the role of Dr.

Tad Winslow on the hit soap It Never Ends.

- Angela, I'm afraid I- - [ Woman ] Thank you.


- What were you thinking? - Well, you said you wanted ''gritty.

'' In other words, ugly.

I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island ugly not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly.

TV ugly, not ugly-ugly.

I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly but never ugly-ugly.

Well, it's time to get some closure.

Extreme closure.

But I've been Dr.

Tad Winslow for 25 years.

It's time I got a raise! Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.

And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.

Remember me? Twenty-five years ago you said I was too ugly to play Dr.

Tad Winslow.

I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon.

- You're our new Dr.

Tad Winslow.

- Really? You mean it? But there can't be two Dr.

Tad Winslows! That's going to- Oh.

[ Moans ] I've been waiting all my life for this moment.

[ Laughing ] Homer, whoa, whoa! Homer! Change of plans.


[ Male Announcer] Like the cleaning of a house, It Never Ends.

With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St.


Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxie Monoxide.

And as Dr.

Tad Winslow, Moe Szyslak.

I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr.

Tad Winslow.

Well, I'm gonna keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.

Cleo Cleo You brought music to my heart but this relationship can never work.

I'm a doctor, and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

But I love you, Tad, and together we can burn all the cities of the Earth.

It's against hospital regulations, damn it! And Clive Dancer is just waiting for me to slip up.

So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door? Eh, it's over.

She got a window shade.

[ All Gasp ] Whoa, whoa.

If you must grope me, ladies, please, a little softer.

- Okay, now harder.

- [ Women Sigh ] - Hey, there are women in our bar.

- Hey, Moe, beer me.

I'm a little busy, Homer.

You can pour it yourself.


This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem.

[ Screaming ] [ Gurgling ] [ Chuckles ] I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club! ''You don't love me.

The only thing you love is your ear, nose and throat pavilion.

'' I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes.

But the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul! That was amazing, Moe.

I'm actually a little turned on.

Hey, I got a gift.

As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug.

Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart.

Now those eggs are hatching, and the feeling is indescribable.

I know what you mean.

Our dog had that.

- [ Knocking ] - Excuse me.

I got a delivery here for the producers.

Top secret story lines? Uh, I'll sign for it.

Uh, might as well have a little peak.

[ Chuckles ] Hmm.

Hmm! Looks like my character gets back together with that evil contessa.

- The one with the amulet? - Precisely.

Then I get in a skydiving accident and have to be rushed to the graveyard! They're killing off Dr.

Tad Winslow.

What? Let me see that.

''Interior: Coroner's office.

''Close-up on Dr.

Winslow's mangled corpse.

Coroner: Let's get that brain out and weigh it and call it a day.

'' Yep, that does sound kind of bad.

Well, if they're gonna stomp on my dreams the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes.

I never used to trust you, Contessa but now you seem so nice.

Why don't we celebrate your newfound trust in me by taking a skydiving lesson? Well, how can I say no to such a captivating- - [ Homer] Ding-dong.

- Whoa! It's the door! Dr.


- Why, who are you? - I am an angel from the future.

- Angel? - What the- [ Bleeps ] Should I cut him off? No.

Let's see where this is going.

And what do you have to tell us, O angel of the future? You're going to die in a skydiving accident.

How tragic.

Tell me more.

Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists with sexy results.

Ooh, that's unexpected.

What else? Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team - with sexy results.

- What's Dad doing on the show? Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt.

And only then do we find out that Professor Galloway's half-sister is plotting to take over International Perfume and Wine.

[ Groans ] He just gave away a year's worth of story lines.

Cut him off now.

- [ Both Laughing ] - Yes! What the hell are you doing? Sticking it to you for killing off my character.

- Yeah! - Whoo! You idiot.


Winslow was only going to die in a dream.

- Wha- - Pink pages always mean a dream.

I thought dreams was on goldenrod.

No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

I see.

So, uh, what time tomorrow? Escort these men out now.

Get your hands off me! Get off!.

I don't need your stinkin' show anyway! With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in Springfield.

Hmph! [ Screams ] Oh! Oh, my face! I'm not supposed to put weight on it! [ All Gasp ] - [ All Gasp ] - What? What? - Sorry about your face, Moe.

- Nah, it's just as well.

That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance.

I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil.

You did me a favor, Homer.

And to think - I was about to sell the bar to Hooters.

- Yeah, you were- D'oh! Well, I guess that wraps it up.

There's one thing I don't get though.

When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? Shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Don't make no- - Shh! - [ Duff Man ] Oh,yeah!