The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF11 - Missionary: Impossible

[ Chorus ] # The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Announcer] You're watching PBS.

- [ Trumpet Flourish ] - You're watching PBS? - Hey, I'm as surprised as you but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom.

''Do Shut Up''? It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans.

If they're not having a go with a bird they're having a row with a wanker.


[ Man ] #No feeling # #No feeling # - Ahh! - #No feeling # -Jolly sodding X-mas, Major.

- #For anybody else - Choke on it! - [ Both Laughing ] Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year.

- [ Grunting ] - [ Groaning ] Not in my parlor, you don't.

- Aah! Me eyes! - I'm scalded, I am! [ Both Laughing ] - The mother's the voice of reason.

- Here come the cricket bats.

You don't have the cobbles.

- [ Both Snarling ] - [ Chuckling ] Classic.

Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series.

And today we're showing all seven episodes.

- Hey, what the hell's going on? - If you like great PBS programs like Do Shut Up and Shut Your Gob you'll want to support our pledge drive.

- [ Bart ] Rledge drive? [ Groans ] - That's right, Betty White.


If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute you're a thief- a common thief!.

- Okay, take it easy, Betty.

- Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad.

- You know who you are.

Thieves! - You're mad? Where's my show? And Now it's time to go back to Do shut up Finally! - But first- - [ Groans ] With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.

Or this umbrella, featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.

And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises.

Now your music room can sound just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.

[ Footsteps Echoing ] - [ Man Coughs ] - Outstanding.

Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man! You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to ''phone it in.

'' Well, now it's your turn to phone it in- Your pledge, that is.

Please- Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show.

Well, why didn't you say so? [ Beeping ] - [ Line Ringing ] - Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000 to get them to shut up.

From anonymous.

Done and done.

- Dad, you don't have $10,000.

- Aw, how they gonna find me? [ Bell Dings ] Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700 and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.

- [ Chuckling ] - But thanks to Insta-Trace we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.

[ Screams ] Why did I register with Insta-Trace? Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments.

- Uh-oh.

You gotta help me, Bart.

- [ Footsteps ] That's it, boy! Go get help.

- [ Swing Squeaking ] - D'oh! Okay, Homer, don't panic.

Let me do the talking.

Here he is, folks, the man who saved PBS - Homer Simpson.

- [ Cheering ] [ Cheering On TV] Mom, Dad's on PBS.

Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they? Um, it's an honor to give $10,000 especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming - has made public television so very, very unnecessary.

- [ Scattered Applause ] - From now on, one of us always stays home.

- Agreed.

Well said, Homer.

And now for the moment of generosity.

- Will cash be okay? - Absolutely! - Well, then we got a problem.

The banks are closed by now.

- It's 12:15.

Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours but we in Springfield are simple folk.

We like our cars fast and our banks closed.

Uh- Okay, fine.

We'll go down there, but they're not going to be open.


It's a real ghost town in there.

[ Chuckles ] Get in there.

I'd like to withdraw $10,000, please.

''You are on television.

Please play along.

'' Are you robbing me? [ Whispering ] I'll pay you later.

- Um, is there a problem, Mr.

Simpson? - Uh, why, no.

Everything is just- [ Grunting ] [ Wails ] I can't do it.

I can't kill a man.

[ Grunting ] - You don't have the money, do you, Homer? - Mm-mmm.

And you thought you could stab your problems away? - Mm-hmm.

- Silly goose.

Why didn't you say so? Get him, boys.

- [ Screams ] The hooligans! - Bash his eyes out! - [ Screams ] - [ Clamoring ] It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! - You die now! - [ Shouts ] [ Whimpering ] - [ Screeching ] - [ Whimpering ] Bingo! Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Oh, why did I teach him that word? Quick.

You gotta hide me from PBS.

Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group.

- Give us the money! - Elmo knows where you live.

Please, help me.

I'll do anything.

I'll light a candle.

I'll help with your next charity scam.

- The word is ''drive.

'' - Sure, sure.

Bob's your uncle.

Let's just get out of here.

[ Clamoring ] [ Clears Throat ] Nothing to see here, people.

Just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.

[ Whimpering ] [ Tires Squealing ] We'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down.

Great, but why am I on a plane? Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific? South Pacific? I didn't agree to- [ Whimpers ] W-Wait! I'm no missionary.

I don't even believe in ''Jebus.

'' - Let me out.

- Sorry.

No can do.

[ Whimpers, Grunts ] Oh, save me,Jebus! Mmm.

[ Chuckles, Sighs ] Mmm! [ Smacks Lips ] Oh- Little piece there.

- [ Smacking ] Mmm.

- [ Clears Throat ] So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me? Mmm? Oh, yes.

Your husband's in Micro-Asia.

- [ Gasps ] - Micro-Asia? That's 1 2,000 miles away.


He needed to get away for a while.

I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.

- Missionary work? - He's dead, isn't he? No, no.

You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.

- [ Static ] - [ Homer] Jebus, where are you? Homer toJebus.

[ Moans ] [ Groans, Grunts ] Ooh.

This doesn't look so bad.


Hi there, little fella.

Well, what the- Wh-Wh-What- [ Whimpering ] Huh? [ Whimpers, Sighs ] Welcome aboard, brother.

You must be Homer.

I'm Craig.

That's Amy.

- Well, see ya.

- You're leaving? Wait.

What do I do here? First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school.

- Done.

- We taught them some English and ridiculed away most of their beliefs.

So you can take it from there.

Bye! Don't let the bedbugs bite.


Me Homer.

Me hiding from PBS.

I am Q'Toktok, and this is Ak.

Welcome, Reverend Homer.

We look forward to learning about the Bible from you.

- Here you go.

Knock yourself out.

- We cannot read.

[ Groans ] Does the word ''jet lag'' mean anything to you people? Jet lag? Are you enjoying your ox testicle? Oh, yes.

Very much so.

Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? [ Chuckles ] They're delicious.

No, I'm good.


Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in all the geographical magazines? Craig and Amy gave us the gift of shame.

All the naked women are on that island.

- [ Drums, Laughter] - Yeah, anything goes over there.

- Bouncy, bouncy.

- [ Groans ] - [ Deep Rumbling ] - What was that? Oh, we call that- [ Choking Sounds ] Sorry.

Fish bone in my throat.

We call that ''earthquake.

'' Great.

Now my testicle's got ants on it.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Have a Bible.

My name's Homer.

What's yours? I am Ouilouiyukitanawanje.

I'm gonna call you Lisa Jr.

So, what do you do for fun around here? Craig and Amy were digging a well.

Craig and Amy were also building a chapel.

Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy.

Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy? I told you we should have asked them.

How's the TV reception here? Excellent or- - T V? - You don't have TV? But what will I watch while I'm sitting on the couch? - Couch? - No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer.

[ Gasps ] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [ Together] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [ Slurping ] Nothin'.

[ Slurping ] Here we go.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

[ Marge's Voice ] Homer? Homer! Huh? What the- [ Echoing ] Hello! Is there anybody in there? Marge! Homer, are you all right? I guess so.

But that first month was pretty rough.

You've only been gone two days.

Really? Without TV it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.

I miss you, Dad.

Mom won't let me read H�gar the Horrible.

I just don't think it's funny.


I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order.

- Bart,you're the man of the house.

- Mmm! - Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy.

- [ Growls ] Maggie's now the brainy girl.

Toaster can fill in for Maggie.

- And, Marge,you're a consultant.

- [ Groans ] - Dad? - Yes, boy? I just want to tell you how proud I am that you're showing an interest in your fellow man.

Really? You're proud of me? Oh, yes.

The whole town thinks you're a real humanitarian.

Ned Flanders is green with envy.

Oh, really? Well, if you'll excuse me I got some civilization to spread like butter on the English muffin that is these people with all their little nooks and crannies.

Dad, are you licking toads? I'm not not licking toads.

Well, it's time to get to work.

Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.

- [ Croaks ] - [ Slurping ] - [ Croaks ] - [ Giggles ] Gather round, everyone.

I'm gonna teach you about religion.

[ Together] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God- - Please, please.

That's not necessary.

- oh, God, oh, God- I'm just God's messenger.

And lo, what a wondrous message it is.

Like this, from the book of ''P-salms.

'' ''God will shatter the heads of his enemies ''the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways that you may bathe your feet in blood.

'' As true today as it was when it was written.

Now let's open it up to some Q&A.

Yes, Lisa Jr.

? Amy said there are lots of religions.

Which is the right one? Well, not the Unitarians.

If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.

Um, if the Lord is all-powerful why does he care whether we worship him or not? [ Chuckles ] Ak just saying.

Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure- like Barbra Streisand beforeJames Brolin.

Oh, he's been a rock.

Oh, who am I kidding? The truth is I'm no missionary.

I work in a nuclear power plant.


Tell us all you know about nuclear power.

Look, the point is, I want to help.

But you don't need a well or a chapel or an immunization center.

What you need's a little razzle-dazzle.

[ Gasps ] Q'Toktok, are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I am Ak.

- Hey, that's great.

Now let's get to work.

Now, if The Flintstones has taught us anything it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Come on, little friend.

Make a wisecrack.

You know- ''It's a living.

'' That sort of thing.

- Oopsy.

- [ Bird Caws ] - Hiya, Homer.

- That's not Homer.

It's gotta be.

He's parking in Homer's space.

Well, time to get to work.


- Simpson! - Aah! I've just reviewed your 1 0-year performance record, and it's appalling.

- But I'm not Homer Simpson.

- I think I know who Homer Simpson is.

In 1 0 short years you've caused 1 7 meltdowns.

- One is too many.

- Yeah, but- You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis-with no markup.

- But- - And worst of all you took the Hamburglar's birthday off last Monday and Wednesday.

Which is it? [ Exhales ] Now, my voice is giving out, so I'm just going to poke you for the next hour or so.

[ Both Grunting ] [ Sighs ] Friends, when I came here one month ago this seemed like a strange and frightening place.

But now I've learned to love this island as my second- A plane! Stop! Get me off this stinkin' rock! [ Groans ] Anyhoo- I'm about to share with you a modern-day miracle- Something that has revitalized cities from East Saint Louis to Biloxi, Mississippi.

The magic medicine of casino gambling! - ''The Lucky Savage''? - It could be you.

Check it out-There's island blackjack island craps, island Texas hold 'em.

But if, like me, you're mesmerized by pretty colors and spinning things you'll prefer roulette.

Four sand dollars on number six, please.

[ Rattling ] - So how you doin'? Stayin' out of trouble? - Yes, sir.

- Number six.

- Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Now over here I've brewed up my favorite beverage.


It's mostly Dristan and holy water, but it does the job.

[ Slurps ] Mmm.


'' - [ Chattering ] - So have fun, everybody.

And who knows? Maybe you'll hit the jackpot, get off this island and spend the rest of your days in a tropical paradise.

- [ Chattering ] - Okay! - Yea! - [ Chattering ] Homer, I'm so impressed.

Everything you're doing sounds so rewarding.

Oh, you should have seen their faces, honey.

Now I know how Bob Stupak feels.

[ Whistling ] Is everybody happy? [ Shouting, Screaming ] - Huh? - [ Clamoring ] - [ Groans ] - Oh, my God.

How can ace be one and 1 1 ? Huh? What kind of god would allow that? [ Grunts ] [ Groans ] - [ Clamoring ] - [ Gasps ] Oh, what happened? I gave you a glittering Vegas and you turned it into a scanty Atlantic City.

Your alcohol and inexpensive buffets have corrupted us.

I don't even like macaroni salad but look at me! [ Chomping ] Please help us.

Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.

[ Groans ] Guess who I saw at the supermarket today.

Can it wait? I just got off work.

I'm sorry, honey.

I just thought you- Don't you do enough yakkin' at the beauty parlor? That's it, Bart.

You're taking this ''man of the house'' thing too far.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Tell you what.

Saturday night, we'll go out for steaks- just you and me.


A night out is a night out.

[ Grunting ] [ Speaking Native Language ] Why are you building chapel? - Because you're all terrible sinners.

- Since when? Since I got here.

Now either grab a stone or go to hell.

[ All Gasp ] [ Grunting ] Well, I may not know much about God but I have to say, we built a pretty nice cage for him.

- [ Chattering ] - These are from the children.

Thanks to you, all of us finally have a place to pray.

- Aw.

- And I'm in a gambling program.

For real this time.

How many times must we go to church to avoid hell? Every Sunday for the rest of our lives.

[ Laughs ] No, really.

[ Chiming ] Not bad, Lisa Jr.

But God's palace is way up on the moon.

[ Slurping ] So if you want him to hear us we've gotta crank up the volume.

- [ Chiming Louder] - Do you hear me, Lord? Homer's doin' your work! - I'm the greatest missionary of all time! - [ Rumbling ] [ Clamoring ] [ Whimpering ] Oh, no! This looks like the end.

[ Both Screaming ] [ Laughing ] Oh, that Homer- always getting into trouble.

And if you're one of the millions who enjoys his adventures- or should I say misadventures- it's time to show your support.

Sure, Fox makes a fortune from advertising - but it's still not enough.

- Not nearly enough! So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves please, call now.

[ Rings ] [ With Australian Accent ] Hello! Murdoch here.

$10,000! You've saved my network.

Wouldn't be the first time.

- [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Homer] Save me,Jebus!