Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
BABF10 - Alone Again, Natura-Diddily
We have to leave nature just the way we found it.
Everything we pack in, we pack out.
- What if I have to do my business? - Use this plastic bag.
Aw, how come bears can crap in the woods and I can't? [ Growling ] Ah, we're so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to Springfield.
- [ Droning ] - [ Gasps ] Bees! They sound angry and Africanized.
Okay, nobody panic.
There's plenty of spray for me.
[ Droning Continues ] [ Engines Humming, Tires Screeching ] That doesn't sound like bees.
Oh, my God.
It's a racetrack! [ Gasps ] The bird sanctuary! - They ruined it! - [ Homer] No, they didn't! They just surrounded it with something wonderful! Like a raisin covered in chocolate.
Or a monkey in a cowboy suit.
[ All Gasp ] [ All Gasp ] See? Animals can get used to anything.
[ Growling, Chittering ] [ Squawks ] Start your engines.
Show us your boobs.
Show us your boobs.
[ Grunts ] You better do what he says, Marge.
Way to adapt, little guy.
Why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name? [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Munching Loudly ] - [ Screams ] Sorry to break up your picnic, folks.
- I'm two-time fast-car champ, Clay Babcock.
- You're on fire! Yeah, I have won a lot of races.
It's all thanks to my crew, really.
[ Grunts ] There it is.
Babcock, can I ride in your car? Well, my ''A'' car was just incinerated, but, uh, you can ride in my ''B'' car.
- [ Flame Roars ] - I don't see why not.
Bart, these are the ''time trials'' that determine the ''pole position.
'' Shouldn't you be keeping your hands on the wheel? Oh, sure, if you want to drive the ''traditional'' way.
- [ Grinding Metal ] - Sorry.
Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy.
Yeah, we like to bring our families along on the longer races.
If I get tired, I let my wife drive.
Get your feet off the upholstery! [ Engine Slows ] I got some spare tickets if you'd like to stick around for the race.
That's very sweet, but we have a full day of hiking planned.
We can hike anytime.
- This is our chance to see cars driving.
- [ Sighs ] [ Engines Roar] Hi-diddly-ho, pedal-to-the-metal-o-philes.
Flanders! Since when do you like anything cool? Well, I don't care for the speed but I can't get enough of that safety gear- Helmets, roll bars, caution flags.
I like the fresh air and looking at the poor people in the infield.
[ Cheering ] - [ Moaning ] - Dang, Cletus.
Why'd you have to park by my parents? Now, honey, they's my parents too.
- [ Riff] - [ Chuckles ] - [ Announcer] Gentlemen, start your engines.
- [ Engines Roar] - Daddy, can we move closer? - Abso-not-ly, hot Roddy.
We're up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers' cussin'.
- Move your damn butt.
- Bite me.
[ All Gasp ] [ All Groan ] [ All Gasp, Groan ] Come on! Somebody crash! Be patient, Son.
A watched car never crashes.
- [ Car Crashes ] - Oh, I missed one! - [ Engines Roar] - Let's go! Let's go! The dice! The dice! The dice! Eight seconds.
Great job, boys! [ Engine Sputters, Backfires ] Let's go.
We're goin' as fast as we can, m- Hey, who are you? - Oh, how rude of me.
My name is- - [ Tires Squeal ] My bad.
[ Announcer] And now here's something for the guys.
Let's hear it for Fan-demonium! Hey, racing fans.
Who wants a free T-shirt? - [ Cheering ] - Me! Me! - ;'Aqui! Aqui! - I do! I do! Wait.
No, I don't.
A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
- Don't you usually laugh at everything? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
- Come on! Right here! [ Screams ] - [ Gasping ] - I'm okay, folks.
- [ All Groan ] I need a shirt! Give me a shirt! - Mommy has bosoms like that.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah, I wish.
Neddie, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso.
- I'll get some hot dogs.
- No foot-longs.
They make you uncomfortable.
Well, I guess no one else wants a T-shirt.
That's a damn lie, and you know it! Gimme a shirt! You heard him, girls.
Hey, T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt.
Fire! Ooh, a bobby pin! - [ Screams ] - [ Thuds ] [ Gasps ] Maude? [ Murmuring ] Oh, my Lord, she's dead! [ Groans ] It's hard to believe we're never going to see Maude again.
And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say good-bye.
Well, from now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special- This is eating up a lot of time.
Maybe just a pat on the butt.
- [ Light Smack ] - Yeah, that works.
Now, Homie, you know, Ned and the boys need us.
And you know what that means.
- I know.
No more being a jerk.
- That's right.
[ Sniffles ] In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives.
She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or comical accents.
Oh, glavin! Why, glavin? But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there.
And we thought she always would be.
My friends, life is about change.
Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor.
- [ Crying ] - Yes, thank God those days are over.
And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage.
Lots of storybooks have witches.
- Shut up, Kirk! - [ Quickly ] Sorry.
And now, the good people at Fan-demonium, as part of a generous settlement will fire a 21 T-shirt salute.
[ Cocking Air Guns ] [ Bagpipe.
' ''Amazing Grace''] Finally.
Ned, my friend, please know that the Kwik-E-Mart is there for you - 2 4 hours a day.
- Oh, thank you, Apu.
And I'm going to give you all of Maude's frequent Squishy points.
The boys at headquarters will not like it but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude! That's enough there, Apu.
Look, Ned, I know we ain't hung out much what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all but, uh, but that Maude, she was really somethin'.
Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe.
I appreciate that.
Oh, I really mean it though.
I mean, if it was you that died, I would've been on her so fast! - What are you saying? - What? Nothing.
She was hot.
- What? You can't take a compliment? - Hot? You monster! [ Grunting ] That's good.
Let it out.
Let it out.
Send me to Maude.
Here I come, baby.
Oh, yeah! Bart, honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd.
Why does everything bad have to happen to me? When I'm feeling low, you know what always cheers me up? - Is it love? - Kindness? Ooh, tough room.
What do you got? Billy Graham's Bible Blaster? Keep firing! Convert the heathens! [ ''Bringing in the Sheaves'' ] - Got him! - No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian.
Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha'i.
- [ Fanfare ] - All right! Full conversion! Thanks, guys.
This really cheered me up.
[ Man ] Second Coming! Reload! Reload! - Can we play now? - You are playing.
We're a team.
[ Together] Yea! Now, if there's anything, anything at all I can do to help out.
Quit hogging Flanders.
I want to comfort him.
[ Chuckles ] That's nice of you, Homer, but I think I'll just go to bed.
Then I insist on walking you home.
Homer, this really isn't necessary.
Those feelings are normal, Ned.
They're part of the process.
Watch the sprinkler.
- Hey! That's my sprinkler.
- It's natural to feel that way.
But the sprinkler is gone.
It's time to let go.
I just bought that.
It's never easy.
You want anything else? Water? Chili fries? How about some white noise? [ Hisses ] Oh, Homer.
You don't have to- [ Snoring ] Sleep tight, Neddie.
- [ Tapping On Glass ] - [ Groans ] What is that? Oh, you wanna rock fight, eh? - [ Laughs ] - No, Homer.
I just need to talk.
Be right down.
[ Chuckles ] I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head.
I can't believe my last words to Maude were, ''No foot-longs.
It would have been a lot better if you'd said ''I love you'' or, ''You're special.
'' You know, something sweet instead of that hot dog crack.
If I'd only been a gentlemen and got the hot dogs myself she'd still be here.
Now, now, now.
Don't beat yourself up.
I'm the one who drove her out of her seat.
I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage ofT-shirts.
I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation.
Uh, but there's no point in playing the blame game.
Ah, you're right.
I just gotta work through the grief.
There's not gonna be an easy answer.
Easy answer, eh? Oh, yeah.
That's it, baby.
That's the money shot.
Yeah, the camera loves you.
[ Chuckles ] - Why are you taping Flanders, Dad? - You'll see.
Do you even have a job anymore? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't! Okay, I finished the gardening sequence.
Okay, from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills.
Then we star wipe to Flanders brushing his- Dad, there are other wipes besides star wipes.
Why eat hamburger when you can have steak? I'm taking my name off this thing.
- So, how you doin', Ned? - Oh, it's been a hard couple of months but I feel like I've turned a corner.
Well, that's all gonna change, thanks to this tape! - Tape? - Now the audio needs some tweaking and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of.
- Anyway, enjoy.
- [ Tape Loading ] [ Homer's Voice ] Single women of Springfield -your prayers have been ''Flanswered''.
- [ Fanfare ] Ned Flanswered, that is.
- Is this a dating video? - Shush! What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car? That's Ned Flanders! A man who's not afraid to cry.
- Hey, Ned! - [ Sobs ] - So that's why you maced me.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Ned does everything with class.
Whether he's punching in his A.
code or keeping clean in the shower.
- Homer! - But don't take my word for it.
Listen to this testimonial.
Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay.
He looks like a cuddler, that Ned.
I-I like that.
I like to be held.
I like to be pampered.
step up to the best.
Ned Flanders, the man with the chest.
[ Panting, Grunting ] Ew! Now we'll just send this to the dating service the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins.
Uh, Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon.
[ Chuckles ] That's great! Chicks really dig sensitivity.
- Did you get that, Bart? - Got it.
And star wipe, and we're out.
Well, with triple word score, that's 90.
[ Laughs ] I guess my luck is starting to even out.
[ Sighs ] I'm just a ''Q'' without a ''U''.
[ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ] Uh, hello? Mailman? These are the women who saw your videotape and are interested.
And feel free to root around in the one-nighter bin.
- The bin is spoken for.
- Are you gonna call all those women? No, the tapes will do just fine.
Homer, I'm having second thoughts.
This feels so disloyal to Maude.
Oh, wake up, Ned.
You think Maude isn't dating in heaven? - You think she would? - How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors.
John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes.
[ Chuckles ] Sherlock Holmes is a character.
[ Chuckles ] He sure is.
[ Growls ] Okay Here goes nothing If you select me you'll get a lot more than a Wharton M.
pulling in 200 K.
You'll get a woman who's poised, articulate sophisticated, confident and highly sexual.
I'm getting a fax.
Damn, I've just been indicted.
Looks like we're gonna have to reschedule.
How's your July? - Well, I- - Mine's terrible.
Let's talk in August.
[ Sighs ] Mmm.
Dinner was delicious, Edna.
But I can't shake the feeling that you're just using me to get Principal Skinner jealous.
I don't care what Mr.
''Engaged to be Engaged'' thinks.
Hear that, Seymour? - [ Skinner] Edna, this is childish.
- Fine, then hang up.
- I will hang up when he leaves.
- [ Sighs ] Well, Diane, I've sure enjoyed chatting with you about your problems with your mother.
Did you hear that, Foofie? Sounds like somebody ''wuvs'' us.
- Yes, it does.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Well, maybe I'll call you again sometime.
Foofie doesn't like the sound of that ''maybe.
'' 'Cause him's a commitment dog, isn't him? [ Gasping, Panting ] So, how'd you do tonight, Romeo? Well, I just can't relate to the women of today, Homer.
Ah, it's probably me.
I'm about as exciting as a baked potato.
You're darn right you are! And you've got lots of other great qualities too! That's right, Ned.
Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you.
What floozies? What are you talking- Marge! We're trying to help Ned! Lord, I never question you but I've been wondering if your decision to take Maude was, well, wrong.
U-Unless this is part of your divine plan.
[ Clicks Tongue ] Could you just give me some kind of sign? Anything? Aw, and after all that church chocolate I bought which, by the way, was gritty and had that white stuff on it! Well, I've had it! Daddy, get up.
You'll be late for church.
Well, you boys can go with the Simpsons.
I'm not going to church today.
- [ Gasps ] - That's right.
And I may not go to church tomorrow.
[ Whimpering, Screaming ] No, I'm not kiddin'! I am gonna sit right here and miss church.
You just watch.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! While our organist is on a much-needed vacation we thought we'd try something new.
So get down and put your knees together for the Christian rock stylings of - Kovenant! - [ Rock ] Hey, isn't that the bass player from Satanica? I think it is.
- [ Continues ] - [ Gasps ] Electric guitars in church! Oh, my gosh.
Some dropouts must have overpowered the reverend.
This is a love song about a dude I met in a sleazy motel.
- [ Gasps ] - A dude named God.
# In a motel room in Delacroix # # I was drinking like a Dartmouth boy # -#And thinking 'bout the wrong turns that I took # -[ Snoring ] #Well, I woke up on the puke-green floor # #And opened up a dresser drawer # # Lookin' for a bottle but instead, I found a book # She's talking about the Bible.
- So? She's good-lookin'.
- You shut up.
#A book about a man # #A book about the dude who lives above # #A book about a man # #Who drives a pickup full of sweet, sweet love # - [ Humming ] - [ Clattering ] # Now if you think he doesn't care # # Or maybe that he isn't there # #It's not too late to see how wrong you are # # So when your soul has gone astray # #Just let God be your triple A # # He'll tow you to salvation # #And he'll overhaul your heart Glad you made it, Ned.
I knew he would! [ Grunts ] I'll be right back, boys.
I've gotta go help that lady.
- Homer, you help too.
- I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! - A pox on thee! - [ Groans ] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ] [ Sighs ] That was a lovely song.
- It really got to me.
- Been through some rough times yourself? I-I recently lost my wife.
[ Gasps ] I'm real sorry to hear that.
We just lost our drummer to a Pentecostal ska band.
I know it's not the same- No, I hear what you're saying.
It's always hard to replace someone.
My name's RachelJordan.
If you feel like talking, maybe we could grab a coffee? Well, that- that sounds real nice, Rachel but I'm, uh, I'm not quite- I understand.
We're heading out on tour with the Monsters of Christian Rock.
Maybe when we get back, you and I could get together.
[ Chuckles ] Maybe we can.
My name's Ned Flanders.
And I'm here every week, rain or shine.
[ Rachel ] #It's a show about Ned # #About him losin'his sweet wife # #She landed on her head # #But now it's time to get on with his life - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!