The Simpsons Episode Scripts

BABF04 - Little Big Mom

[Chorus] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [ Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Itchy And Scratchy Show Mmm.

[ Clicks Tongue ] [ Sobbing ] He was so young.

[ Sobbing ] Oh, so sad.




[ Chuckles, Sighs ] - Hey.

- Ahh.

[ Chuckles ] [ Laughing ] [ Panting ] [ Screaming ] [Laughing] [ Laughing Continues ] Okay.

Here goes.

[ Floor Creaking ] Cloning is a troubling issue.

I like the ones where the mouse kills the cat.

What's in the box, Mom?.

- This box?.

Oh, nothing.

- Are you sure?.

You sound nervous.

Well, anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the- Get her! She's doing something! [ Grunts ] - It's the Goodwill truck! - [ Gasps ] She cleaned out the attic! Our junk! And the exits are sealed! Go to plan "B"! - [ Grunts ] - [ Both Grunting ] [ Grunts ] Come on! [ Panting ] [ Gasps ] Go! Go! I'm trying! Stop yelling at me! [Tires Squealing] Oh, no, you don't! [ Grunts ] Oh, precious heirlooms, Daddy would never let them take you.

[ Grunting ] [ Sighs ] Oh, that was scary.

We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand.

You monster! Look! Here's the box for my Pitch Back.

Ifl still had it, I could put it in here! Oh, I'll never get rid of this useless junk.


This flash cube has two flashes left.

You guys never use any of this stuff.

Look at these.

You bought them after the Nagano Olympics and never skied once.

- Ifyou would just stop being so impulsive, maybe- - Hey, let's go skiing right now! - Yeah, Dad, let's go! - Whoo-hoo! - Now, now, now! Yeah, Dad! - No! Okay, here it comes.

Keep your eyes on the chair.

- Look, Dad.

It's the drummer from Bread.

- [ Gasps ] Where?.

- [ Screams ] - [ Bart Laughing] [ Whimpering ] Ohh! Ahh.

This chair lift sure goes high Oh, finally.

- [ Wind Whistling] - [ Marge Groans ] Some gentle rocking will relax you, Mom.

- Stop it! - [ Chuckles ] See, Mom?.

You conquered your fears and now you're ready to- I'm sorry! Hmm.

The Widowmaker.

No, that one's for the ladies.

Spinebuster? Boring.



Hey, don't hurt me! Here's my wallet! [ Chuckles ] Hi-diddly-ho, schuss-in-boots! [ Gasps ] Flanders?.

That suit's a little revealing, isn't it?.

Well, it allows for maximum mobility.

- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all.

- [ Shouts ] Quit it! Must wash eyes! Uh-oh.


Okay, don't panic.

Remember what the instructor said.

If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is- Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all.

Nothin' at all.

Nothin' at all.

[Yelps ] Stupid sexy Flanders! - [ Bone Cracks ] - Ow! My leg! This is the worst pain ever! Ow! Ohh! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh! [ Sobbing ] [Whimpering ] [ Screaming ] Single.

[ Chuckles ] [ Panting ] So hard, but so rewarding.

[ Chuckles ] Downhill skiers missing fun- Oh, who am I kidding?.

Wow! What a perfect scene.

This was so worth it.

Don't worry, little friends.

I won't hurtyou.

[ Growling ] - Eep! - [ All Growling ] [ Screams ] - Whoa! - [ Growling ] - Leave those deer alone! - But theywere trying to eat me.

[ Chuckles ] Those deer?.

- But they- - Come on.

I'll dropyou off at the lodge.

[ All Growling ] Whoa! Fat 540! - I'm gettin' agro on this kicker! - Stomp that pickle revert! Excellent.

Your lingo is progressing nicely.

- Can I go to the bathroom?.

- Uh-uh! Say it in snowboard.

- Um, I gotta blast a dookie.

- Dook on! Snow fox at 5 O' Clock Move it in, shove it out Disco lady - Is this seat taken?.

- Uh, I think that's an armrest.

So, doyou party?.

You mean like, uh, hats and noisemakers kind of party?.

Sure, baby.

Whateve ryour trip is.

Disco Stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.

- Who's Disco Stu?.

- [Together] Hey, Mom! - Hi, pumpkins! - Kids! Back away, not today Disco lady - Have you been in here all day?.

- You missed all the fun.

Skiing fanny first into a crevasse isn't my idea of fun.

The only risk I'm taking is running out of marshmallows.

[ Laughs ] - Ow! - Somebody get a doctor! - [ Both Panting ] - Oh, man.

Another clock accident.

No wonder.

Look at this.

[ Both Grunting ] - That ought to hold it.

- [ Creaks ] I want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't go nuts.

Uh, better than that.


- [ Engine Starts ] - [ Siren Wailing] Yeesh! I can't believe she went home with those guys.

Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture.

The leg must remain motionless.

Otherwise, a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain.

[ Chuckles ] I can't be in the hospital.

Tomorrow is laundry day.

And I've gotta de-meat Lisa's bologna.

We'll be fine, honey.

The main thing is for you to get better.

And don't worry.

All the laundry and dirty dishes will be there when you get back.

No, they won't.

We'll all pitch in on the housework.

Right, guys?.


- [ Laughs ] Get that! Whoo-hoo! - Hey! Hey! Sweetie, it's nice that you want to take charge around the house, but don't be a hero.

Just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp.

But not the good tarp.

I want you to get married on that someday.

Oh, Mom.

I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it.

Maybe I can even make things more efficient.

Oh, really?.

Well, knock yourself out.

Just don't expect any miracles from those two.

Good Lord Your are wasting thousands of dollar worth of interferon And you're "interferon" with our good time.

[ Laughs ] Well, I'll be.

That cured my canker sores.

[ Yawns ] Morning.

Dad, where are your clothes?.

I don't know.

Don't tell me Mom dresses you.

I guess.

Or one of her friends.

[ Chomping ] - [ Paper Rustling ] - Okay.

Now we're gonna draw jobs from the chore hat.

Come on, bikini inspector.

Scrub toilet?.

Okay, that was a practice.



Okay, here we go.

- Feed fish.

- I'll supervise.

- The reason for the hat- - Oh, it's a great hat.

No one's questioning the hat.

Will you at least do the dishes?.

Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice.

See, there it is.

But that was a practice.

The system worked.

Come on.

Eat, you lazy fish.

- [Horn Honks ] - Oh, you're gonna be late! Here are your lunches.

And no trading your fruit for firecrackers.

Oh! But Lenny just got some bottle rockets.

You stay away from Lenny.

And where's your sweater, Bart?.

- It unraveled on a nail.

- That's not true.

He left it on the bus.

- You're dead, squealer! - Ah, Lisa! Help! [ Chuckles ] Those boys of mine.


Simpson! What areyou doing?.

I couldn't sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it.

You're here to rest.

If you want the window cleaned,just push the call button.

Oh, I don't want to be a bother.

Wouldn't bother us.

It just turns up your morphine.

Oh, so it does.

Stop pushing that! Mr.

Sakamoto is here for your acupressure.

Now, Mrs.

Simpson, just lie back and relax.


Sakamoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.

Oh, I don't think I need any- Ooh.

Oh, wow.

- Okay, guys! Dinner's ready! - [ Footsteps Approaching] [ Chomping ] The cheese isn't quite melted.

Let me just pop it back in the- - [ Growls ] - Here you go.


[ Gasps ] Slivered almonds for the green beans.

I'll be right back.

[ Clanking ] - [ Belches ] - [ TV.


Fanfare ] - [Ends ] - So how was your day?.


[Flies Buzzing] - Bart, you were supposed to scour the pans.

- They need to soak.

You said that four days ago.

Look! They're rusted through.

- It's an illusion.

- No, it's not! - I got the groceries.

- Good.

Maple soda?.

A cell phone full of candy?.

- Astronaut bread?.

- It's the bread of astronauts.

I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal.

Dad, I gave you a list.

Oh, yeah.

[ Laughs ] You were way off.

- [ Groans ] - Hello?.

Lollipop Island?.

There's a little girl here who had too many sour balls.

- [ Groans ] - Anyway, where were we?.



They hung up.

- [Rings ] - Talk to me.

Hey, Mom! How's the leg?.


Oh! Oh, that.

It's pretty great.

- How are things at home?.

- Oh, couldn't be better.

- Marco.

- Polo.

- Marco.

- Polo.

- Marc- Ohh! - [Splash ] - [ Bart] Polo.

- So, Mom, you think you'll be getting out of there soon?.

I don't know, honey.

I've got a lot of therapy left.

- I really thought I could handle this, but- - I think so too.


- [ Line Disconnects ] - Uhh.

- ["I Love Lucy Theme"] - [ Man On TV] Lucy! - [ Slap ] - [ Woman Crying ] - [ Man #2 ] You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.

- [ Laughing ] [Man #3 ] Say, folks, what's all the ruckus? - [ Rick]John Wayne? - [ Groaning ] Will you guys turn that thing down?.

Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?.

- [ Slap ] - [ Woman Crying] - [ Homer Laughing] He hit her again! - [ Grunts ] Stupid- A bunch of jerks- I can't believe it.

- Losing your marbles, huh, kid? - [ Screams ] - Lucy?.

- Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo Carmichael.

[ Coughs ] And I think there's some more.

- What are you doing here?.

- I came from heaven to help you get revenge on these bums.

Is there an ashtray around here?.

- Will this do?.

- Thanks, doll.

Now we need a scheme to teach those slobs a lesson.

You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky?.

Hey! Stay away from the drums! That's my bit.

- [ Fingers Snap ] - I got it.

Here's whatyou do.

Wait until they fall asleep.

Then you sneak into their rooms and make sure they're fast asleep because- [ Stairs Creak] [ Snoring ] [ Snickers ] [ Snores ] - [Homer Screams ] -[Bart] My skin! My beautiful skin! [ Chuckling ] - [ Homer] Lisa, help! - [ Both Screaming ] Oh.

What's wrong with us?.

Oh, I don't like the looks of this.

- You don't?.

'Cause that's what I said.

Tell her, Bart.

- Shut up! Shut up! We better check with a doctor.

Welcome to Virtual Doctor.

From the makers of Dragon Quest and Sim Sandwich.

[ Both ] Enter symptoms now.

- Let's see.

Crusty sores.

- Yes.

- Horrible wailing.

- Yes! Yes! Any exposure to unsanitary conditions?.

Duh! We're pigs! Okay.

And diagnose.

You've got leprosy.

[ Both ] Leprosy! [ Both Screaming ] [ Together] Unclean! Unclean! Help us, Virtual Doc.

Look at me.

I'm on my knees.


[ Both Whimpering ] Excellent.

Leprosy! I can't believe it! That fortune cookie was right! Why would God punish a kid?.

I mean, an American kid?.

Now, guys, leprosy thrives in filthy conditions.

So your only chance is to clean up the house.

- I'll get you a couple of mops.

- Mops?.

The cure sounds worse than the disease.

At Sunday school, they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude.


- Yeah, that sounds right.

I think we're on the outs with him.

But I know someone who's even holier than Jesus.

[Doorbell: Hymn ] Hi-diddly-ho.

I- Oh! [ Both Groaning ] Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties! - Help us.

- We're diseased.

Oh, no.

That's leprosy.

Remember those scary lepers in Ben-Hur? - You saw Ben-Hur without me?.

- We were broken up then.

- Well, that's no- - [ Both Scream ] [ Homer, Bart ] Brains.


- Use your brains to help us.

Your delicious brains.

- [ Bart Groans ] Oh, those poor souls.

What's the Christian thing to do?.

Oh, thankyou.


Thankyou, you wonderful man.

- [ Kissing ] - [ Groaning ] All right! Food! - [ Chomping ] - [Whimpering ] Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd.

Hereyou go, lad.

Todd, no! [ Explosion ] Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you but we're not really set up for lepers.

Soyou're shunning us.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place.

You know, a place where they could really take care of you.

Oh, thankyou, good sir! [ Kiss ] [ Groans, Screams ] Ooh, that smarts.

Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.

Marge, we'll just get this cast off and you can go home to- - Oh, my Lord! - Well, it has been a week.

Code blue! A thousand c.


's of leg wax! Stat! Lazy, no-good lepers.

Making me clean everything myself.

- [ Rings ] - [ Moe ] Hey, uh, is Homer there?.

No, he isn't.

I don't know where he is.

I'm a little worried.

He usually stops in for an eye-opener on the way to work.

He told us he'd been going to the gym.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

Anyway, you don't think he could be at another bar, do you?.

Because I couldn't take that.

I- I just couldn't.

I- [ Sobbing ] [ Sobbing Continues ] Don't hang up on me.

I'm home, everybody! Gee, the house looks great.

- Mom, I lost Dad and Bart.

- Lost them?.

What do you mean?.

I tricked them into thinking they had leprosy.

Hansen's disease.

You know, like that horrible cream soda.

Well, Dad and Bart ran away, and no one seems to know where they went.



Calm down.

They couldn't have gone too far.

- Molokai?.

- You mean Hawaii?.


That's the one.

They've got a top-notch leper colony there so we shipped 'em right off.

Cost us a bundle too.

I guess we'll have an imagination Christmas this year.

[ Together] Yea! Imagination Christmas! - I got a pogo stick.

- I got a hula hoop.

Ew! Ew! - Whoa! This is a hospital?.

- That it is.

[Birds Chirping] We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters then watch some gay guys get married.

- Ah, you must be the Simpsons.

- Howdy.

And thanks for not recoiling in horror.

- Thankyou for the friendly howdy.

- Can we get a room with a view?.

Oh, you'll have a great view of the whole beach from the electric needle room.

- Really?.

The whole beach?.

- Yes.

From the electric needle room.

Electric needle room?.

[ Dolphins Calling ] - [Electricity Crackles ] - [ Homer Screaming] - [ Continues ] - Glad that's not me.

- [ Dings ] - Time to turn over.

Here they are.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

Dad, Bart, I played a horrible trick on you, and I'm really sorry.

You don't have leprosy.

It's just oatmeal.

- Yeah, we know.

- I figured it out after I ate one of my chest sores.

Well, then let's get out of here.

- No way.

We scored a free Hawaiian vacation.

- This place is a blast.

All we have to do is endure two hours of blinding pain.

Then it's nothing but shopping and surfing.

Tonight we're gonna put our fake sores back on then jump the fence at Club Med and scare the normals.

Well, it all sounds lovely, but- Come on.

Loosen up.

This is paradise.

[ Man ] Number one, report to the dermabrasion hut.

That's me.

Do do do do, Da da da da [Homer] Aloha- - [Electricity Crackles ] - [ Homer Screams ] - Aloha- Ow! - [ Electricity Crackles ] Until we meet a- Until we meet a- - [ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Screams ] [ End Theme: Hawaiian ] - [ Murm uri ng ] - Shh! [ Man ] You hit herpretty hard there, Rick.