The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF05 - Mayored to the Mob

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Man Announcing ] And now, the conclusion of our Thousand Dollar Movie Roger Corman's Titanic.

- [ Screeching ] - [ Loud Crash ] [ Man Screaming ] We're safe now, Clarice.

We made it away from that cursed ship.

Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini.

- [ Struggling ] - Mmm.

Look out! Behind you! [ Announcer] We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.

Well, I'd rather get a message than see another lousy commercial.

People of Earth, we have traveled all the way from space to attend the most ''astrotastic'' event in the entire universe.

[ Chuckles ] You said it, Phil.

It's the bimonthly Springfield sci-fi convention.

[ Phil ] That's right.

It's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

Come meet all your favorite stars: Mark Hamill, Alf and many more.

[ Alien #2 ] Plus tag team robot wrestling.

It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars.

[ Grunts, Moans ] Stop! Please, save me, R2.

- [ Chirping ] - Oh,you stupid little tramp.

You're so boring.

I hate you! Ow, ow, ow! Remember, it's Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con.

Be there and be square.

- Well, beats work.

- Yeah, beats school.

[ Chattering ] - Sorry, we're all full.

- [ Roaring ] Are you sure this is a sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds.

- Hi, Lisa.

- Hey, Lisa.

- Guten Tag.

[ Weakly ] Hi.

People! People! This man has actually been in outer space.

- Ha! Nobody cares.

- This is one small step towards firing your ass! Hey, wait.

I saw that Lost In Space movie.

You are not Dr.


Oh, the pain, the pain.

The pain of it all.

[ Chortling ] You have still got it, Dr.


Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit! My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my resume if you'd care to meet me later in the food court.

Danger, danger, Bart Simpson.

Someone has mixed an Amazing Spider-Man in with the Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man series.

- This will not stand.

- Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack of water-damaged Little Lulus.

[ Sighs ] ''A,'' that is not water.

It is diet Mr.


And ''B,'' I- ooh.

[ Moans ] Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents? - Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on.

- Don't try to change me, baby.

Welcome, futurists, cyberphiles and the rest of you dateless wonders.

[ Cheering ] And now to push this convention into hyperspace the man who put the ''star'' in Star Wars, a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill! [ Cheering ] - [ Cheering ] - Hey, thanks, everybody.

You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker but I'm also here to talk about Sprint.

As you can see, you stand to save up to 1 7 cents a month over the more dependable providers.

- Aw, talk about Star Wars.

- [ Shouting In Agreement ] You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance.

Star Wars, huh? Well, let me ask you this.

How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie? [ Scattered Shouts ] Me! Me! Me! Well, you're in luck 'cause we're gonna act out a scene and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi-Wan.

- Kenobi? - [ Crowd ] Over here! Here! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment.

Like hell it has.

If anybody's gonna play Obi, it's me.

Step away, foolish amateurs.

Just keep back.

Keep out of it.

The role is mine.

With the acting and the groupies and the ''Luke, Luke, save me'' with the light saber and the ''vwing, vwing, vwing.

'' That's not how you ''vwing.

'' [ Shouts ] - We're doomed.


- [ Clamoring ] Oh, God.

Can't this town go one day without a riot? Ya! Gadzooks! Where are my bodyguards? Is there anything fluffier than a cloud? - If there is, I don't wanna know about it.

- [ C-3PO ] Oh, dear.

Oh, my! Let's cruise.

Use your light saber.

What, and break it? You know, George Lucas makes me pay for these.

Take him.

He's the one you want.

Not the hair! Back off, you freakin' dweebs.

- Oh, poor Mark Hamill.

- [ Gasps ] That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him.

[ Shouts ] Nerds! Get out of there! [ Grunting ] - Mr.




Come on.

- Who are you? Homer Simpson, nerd-buster, and I'm gettin' you out of here.

[ Groans ] I can't, Homer.

I twisted my ankle.

You guys go on without me.

Never! [ Grunts ] Follow me.

How was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship? [ Bart ] Dad, over here.

! [ Panting ] Oh, my God! Someone has to go back in for Maggie.

- Forget Maggie.

She's gone.

- I've got Maggie.

Wow, that was close.

Well, thanks a lot, Homer.

Well, it's all- Hey! I thought you twisted your ankle.

Oh, yeah.

Well, see the thing about that is- [ Shouts ] [ Alarm Ringing ] - [ Groans ] - Hey, boss, we were just talking about you.

You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired! Fired, huh? [ Chuckles ] Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you? Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery? - I'll tell you who.

Him! - Whoo-hoo! Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just- I said, ''Whoo-hoo.

'' [ Groans ] As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee.

Not to your family.

Not to your country.

Not to ''Moo-hammad.

'' - Even during Ramadan? - Shut your sass-hole, boy.

These melons represent your protectees.

Throughout this course,you will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary.

[ Slurping ] What? Okay.

Listen up.

My goal is to assassinate that watermelon.

- Your job is to take the bullet.

Go! - [ Gasps ] - [ Panting ] - Go, go, go.

! - Pow! - No! Well, your dive wasn't bad, but I just didn't believe your ''No!'' I mean, you gotta sell it.

Remember, your ''No!'' is what gets you your next job.

- Now drop and give me 20.

- No! Better.

You ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at the dance.

- Not one of you fit to guard a Russian rock band.

- [ All Sigh ] However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate.


[ Cheering ] And, now, in honor of your achievement here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, The Bodyguard.

[ Singing Ballad ] Whee-ha! - Clear.

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

The pig is in the poke.

- You know, I really don't care for that code name.

- [ Meow ] - Look out, Marge! Cat! - [ Screeching ] I know you're excited about starting a new job, but could you just relax for now? Hold it.

What's your clearance? - We just wanna get a snack.

- Access denied.

- But, Dad- - [ Both Groan ] Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.

They'll be fine in half an hour.

[ Scoffs ] That's not the point.

And another thing- I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago, and you still haven't- Hmm.

Still half an hour till dinner.

Oh, well.

[ Groans ] Ow! It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir.

Just remember, you represent the office of the mayor.

So always comport yourself in a manner befitting- Quick, honk at that broad.

- [ Honks ] - [ Wolf Whistle ] Good work, Simpson.

I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Hey, Homer, I told you not to come round here no more till you paid your tab, or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom that you- Mayor Quimby? [ Clears Throat ] Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor? Shove off, pukeholes! Get out ofhere.

These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies.


Here's a couple of''Duffenbraus,'' on the house of course.

Mmm, semi-imported.

[ Gulping ] - Keep 'em coming.

- [ Sighs ] Your generosity is greatly appreciated especially during this health inspection season.

Oh, yeah, yeah.


Health inspection.

That reminds me.

Ha! Your change, sir.

We're working on that roach situation.

I swear to God.

Yeah, you should see the hospital.

[ Clinking ] And after Moe's, we went to Krusty Burger, and the mayor got some more change.

And I ordered a double-double, but they gave me the double-double-double-double.

And then Apu gave the mayor lots of change for- - Dad, don't you see what's going on? - That ''change'' was a bribe.

Oh, honey, don't be so naive.

That's how the world works.

Sure the mayor takes a few bribes, but he also makes the trains run on time.

No, he doesn't.

Trains are regulated by the federal Department ofTransportation.

And recent studies have shown that- - [ Groans ] - Homer! Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with the school milk concession.

Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my- [ Coughs ] Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.

Thank you, Fat Tony.

However, in the future I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

So, how'd you get the nickname ''Legs''? Well, that's an interesting story.

[ Chuckles ] - It seems President Kennedy's father was- - Whoo! Mini cannoli.

Hey, I called that.

I saw it first.

Come back here.

[ Growls ] Hmm, milking room.

- I hope you cows are decent.

- [ Loud Squeaking ] [ Gasps ] Crap on a crust! - [ Groans ] - [ Squeaking ] [ Yelps ] They're milking rats.

- Milking rats! - Rats? I'm outraged.

You promised me dog or higher.

[ Gasps ] [ Loud Gulping ] - [ Disgusted Sound ] - [ Gulping, Slurping ] [ Groans ] Bart! No! Hey! My milk.

I traded my math book for that.

Dad, what a nice surprise.

- [ Kissing Sounds ] - [ Disgusted Sounds ] Get that away from me.

Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk ever.

- Can I still drink it? - Go nuts.

All right! [ Loud Gulping ] [ Gagging ] You monster! How could you do that to the children? Those wacky gangsters.

What are you gonna do? And to think I respected you and defended you.

You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me! [ Gasping, Shouting ] [ Gasps ] Okay.

We'll call it even.

Oh, my God! I killed the mayor.

All right, stay calm.

I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend at Bernie's and- - Help.


- [ Gasps ] - His corpse is climbing the building.

- I'm alive, you idiot.

- Pull me in.

- Okay.

Wait a second.

I'm not saving you unless you promise to get that rats' milk out of the schools.

But the gangsters will kill me.

You're forgetting.

You've got the best bodyguard in the business.

Now, promise or I'll let you fall to your death.

- All right, all right.

I promise.

- Shake on it.

- [ Shouts ] - [ Horn Honks ] Relax, you're in good hands.

Now, come on.

I'll pull you up.

Wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

Not so fast.

I can see into the interns' restroom from here.

[ Grunts ] Did you know that this is how F.



met Eleanor? [ Grunts ] All right, pull me up.

Six queens.

Read 'em and weep.

Not so fast.

Seven queens.

Freeze, goombahs.

We're shutting you down, you filthy I-talians.

- It's Italian-Americans.

- Right, right.

Filthy I-talian-Americans.

Gentlemen, if you would simply consult my dear friend Mayor Quimby - I am confident this can be- - Not this time, Fat Tony.

The mayor's office is not for sale.

[ All Laughing ] Can you, uh, edit out the laughs? I am not so much disappointed as I am blinded with rage.

Ooh, the Mafia guy's all mad.

Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh? ''Oh, Godfather''- [ Whimpering ] - Break it down.

- [ Grunting ] [ Rats Squeaking ] It's pure.

Pull the plug, boys.

Run free, little vermin.

The city is yours.

- And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers- - [ Meowing ] the circle of life is complete.

- Fat Tony, do you have any comment? - I don't get it.

Everyone loves rats, but they don't wanna drink the rats' milk? Hmm.

Any words for the mayor? Hello, Mayor Quimby.

I would like to remind you that accidents will happen like the killing of you by us.

Aren't you scared, Dad? I mean, if I were Fat Tony and, God willing, some day I will be I'd just be stewing in my jail cell, getting madder and madder.

Oh, don't worry about that, boy.

He's already out on bail.

- Well, I'm off to work.

- You're guarding the mayor tonight? After Fat Tony swore revenge? It's my duty, Marge.

Besides, those mobsters don't scare me.

- Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? - Homer! What? There's nothing to worry about.

- Well, then you start it.

- All right.


I'll take a cab.

[ Doorbell Chiming ''Hail to the Chief''] Homer, I'm not sure it's wise to go out right now.

I was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the, uh- [ Sighs ] wife.

Oh, I get it.

You're worried about those mobsters, aren't ya? No, no.

I truly do want to stay home with the- [ Sighs ] wife.

You've gotta snap out of this funk, Mayor.

I'm gonna take you someplace where you can relax and forget all about gangsters.

- Excuse me.

- [ Drawn-out ] Yes? - Do you have a table for the mayor? - Yes! - Why do you talk that way? - I had a stroke.

Dear Lord, please make tonight's production better than Othello with Peter Marshall.

[ Homer ] Okay, Mr.

Burns, Fat Tony, what's-his-name- Fat Tony.

! [ Gasps ] All right, Fat Tony.

If it's trouble with Quimby you're after- Please.

I am only here as a devotee of the lively arts.

But I do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could deliver.

Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this.

- [ Loud Kiss ] - [ Spits ] You moron! That's the kiss of death.

Oh, no! Wait.

Maybe I didn't do it right.

Never mind that.

Just go patrol the perimeter.

Ah, au gratin potatoes.

That's a quality side.

No! Potatoes are clean.

The poison must be in the steak.

[ Eating Loudly ] [ Chorus ] [ Singing Show Tune ] [ Continues ] This is a conceptual nightmare.

I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this.

And this song isn't even in the show.

I don't have time for this.

I got 7 5 shortcakes to strawberry.

- Now get out there, Luke.

- [ Sighs ] [ Singing Show Tune ] - [ Continues ] - I want the mayor dead.

I want his wife dead.

I want his cat and his dog dead.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who is before the cat? [ Sighs ] Just kill the mayor.

Y-You're not mad at me, are you? [ Singing Show Tune ] Hey, you're in this number! Get out there and shake that moneymaker.

But I'm just here to kill- - That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh? - He looks awfully familiar.

I think I saw him in Rent or Stomp or Clomp or some piece of crap.

[ Audience Cheering ] Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak - and don't you forget it.

- You're all talk, Hamill.

You never even finished Jedi school.

- Show's over, Mayor.

- Look out! [ Grunts ] - [ Straining ] Give me that knife.

- No, it's mine.

[ Whimpering ] - Homer.

Use the for- - The Force? - The forks.

Use the forks.

- Oh.

Yes! Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on- Oh, crap.

- Oh, Fat Tony.

- What? - What did I do? - [ Bat Clatters On Ground ] I checked with the doctor.

He said Mayor Quimby's gonna be fine and I was electric as Nathan Detroit.

- What did you think of me? - I'd say you were luminous, magnetic.

[ Loud Sigh ] Incandescent.

Oh, cheer up, Homer.

I think you made a great bodyguard.

Really? Would you say I was magnetic? - Absolutely.

- Aw.

- [ Cheering, Applause ] - [ Man ] Mr.


[ Groans ] Homer, I think you know what to do.

[ Woman Singing Ballad ] Shoot.

I forgot my light saber.

Oh, wait.

Here it is.

[ Homer Groans ] Get out of the way.

[ Continues ] [ Continues ] [ Continues ] [ Ends ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!