The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF04 - Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble'

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Frogs Croaking ] This ghost town is gonna be great! ''Now with 30% more gunfights.

'' And 40% more rootin'-tootin'.

And the tumbleweeds tumble at 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00 plus a midnight tumbling on weekends.

It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie.

Come on, kids.

Three cheers for your father.

- Hip, hip- - Mom, don't.

- Hip, hip- - We heard you the first time.

- Hip, hip- - Hey, I'm trying to drive here.

- Hey, Dad, that light says ''check engine.

'' - [ Beeping ] Uh-oh.

Tape must've fallen off.


Problem solved.

- [ Engine Backfires ] - [ Lisa ] Oh, come on! Relax.

She just needs a little lovin'.

- [ Engine Cranking ] - [ Gasps ] Ah, they remembered my birthday.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Start, damn you! Start! [ Singing ] [ Screaming ] [ Gasps ] Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? That's why everybody does everything.

[ Tires Screeching ] This should be very educational.

I want you kids to pay attention.

Founded by prostitutes in 1 849 and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St.

Joe in three days Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.

Three minutes! [ Whistles ] I never realized history was so filthy.

First on our tour is the whorehouse.

Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello and finally the old mission.

- Oh, thank heaven! - Lots of prostitutes in there.

But there was more to the Old West than just sex, folks.

A lot more.

If you look off to your left you'll see a real Old West hitchin' post possibly used by bandits, possibly during some exciting adventure.

And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk by people who may or may not have been bandits.

[ Camera Shutters Clicking ] That's a keeper.

- Uh, yes, sir? - Do we have to listen to you? Well, no, you don't.

But if you have any interest in history- - I'm done.

- [ Marge Mutters ] [ Ragtime Piano ] [ Bart ] Wow.

! Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? [ Screaming ] Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! First of all, I'm not a robot.

And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam defending this country for lazy jerks like you.

Now what'll you have, partner? Let's see.

One, two, three- Six whiskeys.

- All right! - We only serve sarsaparilla, mac.

No alcohol.

- [ Groans ] - You can get drunk when we get home.


[ Robot Voice ] Hey, these cards are marked.

Now look what you've done.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Let's forget this whole thing happened.

What the heck is this? A tea party? Somebody kill somebody! [ Grunts ] - [ Screams ] - What is it with you and robots? - [ Grunts ] - [ Ragtime Piano ] - Whoa! - [ Ragtime Piano Continues ] Whoo! Hello, sweet cheeks! [ Grunts ] - Look who's a little cowgirl.

- [ Gurgling ] Hey, Mom, look what I got! Oh, that's cute.

! [ Laughs ] Did you get it in the souvenir shop? No, that security guard is handing 'em out.

[ Groans ] Uh-oh.

Better run for cover, partners.

Some varmints are havin' a shootout.

Yee-haw! - You stole my prostitute! - Missed me! - Die, yellow belly! - [ Grunts ] Bang-bang! Uh, which way's the gunfight? - [ All Laughing ] - There's Old Curly.

He played the town preacher until we laid him off.

But he still hangs around.

Help me, please.

I'm sick.

- [ Laughing ] - Homer! But it's funny, Marge.

The guy's sick.

[ Groans, Gurgling ] Uh, shouldn't we help him? He knows what he's doing.

[ Piano Playing ] Ahh.

Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield.

It ''angries'' up the blood.

- You like it, huh? - Up yours! [ Truck Horn Honking ] Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home.

I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio.

Tonight it's F.

Murray Abraham.

- But I really need to- - F.

Murray Abraham! - [ Homer Whistling ] - [ Grampa Groaning ] There's a rest area.

Pull over.

Can't stop now.

We're making great time.

[ Grampa Muttering ] Can I go behind a tree? What are you? An animal? [ Homer] Whoever keeps saying ''please stop'' back there better quit it! - [ Grampa Groans ] - [ Homer] Wow.

Get a load of that toilet.

Please go back! You can make it my birthday present.

We're almost home, Dad.

Only a couple more times over the horizon.

But I might explode! - You just sit back and relax.

- [ Whimpering ] I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad.

Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded.

- There's nothing left.

- Oh, no! Yeah, that's what happens when you get older.

It's one of those natural things.

Beautiful in its way.

Uh, actually his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.

Excuse me, Doctor.

I think I know a little something about medicine.

Homer, with all due respect, this X-ray reveals a textbook kidney blowout.

Which would explain those loud pops you heard.

So you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good.

Maybe I oughta eat something.

Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.

[ Laughing ] [ Laughing, Groans ] How long do I have to live, Doc? [ Laughs ] I'm amazed you're alive now.

Oh, I blame myself for this.

We all blame you.

Come on, Doc.

There's gotta be something I can do to help my dad.

- Well, you could give him a kidney.

- A kidney? Okay, fine.

You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and- I said fine.

What is it about the word ''sure'' you don't understand? Oh, thank you, Son.

Hmm, I'll take the left one.

It's good and springy.

Though the right one's not without its charms.

Pork chops, sloppy joes, hot dogs and pork chops! Well, Dr.

Hibbert said you have to build up your strength.

Besides, nothing's too good for a wonderful, generous man like you.

- Well, that's what I always thought, but somehow- - Check it out, Dad.

I rented all your favorite gorilla movies.

Gorilla Squadron, Gorilla Island VI.

[ Gasps ] Apes-A-Poppin;! Whoo, the airline version.

- Can I fluff your pillow? - Nothing's too good for me.

Ahh, I'm the luckiest man in the world now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer.

You're really brave to go through with this operation.

It's not an operation, Moe.

The doctor says it's just a procedure.

No, no, no.

Makin' polenta- that's a procedure.

You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here.

Really? Do you think it's dangerous? Oh, yeah.

Even if you survive the operation- Procedure! Deadly procedure! Whatever.

The point is, with only one kidney you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.

Now you're just tryin' to scare me.

Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists.

Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you.

- But I don't want that.

- Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here.

Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die.

They look pretty comfortable.

- Yeah, I guess.

- And are those your original lips? Well, actually, I- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [ Grunts ] Oh, yeah.

That would look so good on me.

Marge, I've been thinking.

What if instead of donating one of my old, worn-out kidneys I gave Grampa that artificial kidney I invented? Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

Oh, but I don't want them cutting up my soft, supple body.

Why didn't somebody tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine.

I know you're scared, Homie.

But remember why you're doing this.

It's for your father.

The man who raised you and nurtured you.

''Jack and Jill went up the hill and- Jill came tumbling after.

'' The end.

Good night.

Is that the sameJack from ''Jack and the Beanstalk''? - You know, Son, I believe it is.

- And Jack Sprat? - Is that him too? - Sure.

Why not? Good night.

Is he the same as ''Jack be nimble'' and Jack Frost and LittleJack Horner? Say, how about a little NyQuil? [ Gulps ] All gone.

- [ Snoring ] - Ah, I love you, Son.

I owe Dad so much.

Those bedtime stories began my lifelong love affair with the printed word.

Well, giving him a kidney is a wonderful way to show him how you feel.

You're right, Marge.

I'll do it.

But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? - Oh, anything, sweetheart.

- Blow up the hospital.


Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.

That's my girl.

[ Groans ] [ Woman On P.


] Doc Martens to Podiatry.

- ''Liability waiver''? - Don't read it.

Just sign it.

Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here.

I don't usually sign stuff like that.

It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence.

It's a standard form.

[ Groans ] [ Machines Beeping ] I love you, Son.

I love you, Dad.

Now don't you fellas worry.

This'll all be over soon.

And-What the- We gotta get rid of that window.

- Where'd he go? - [ Grunting ] I can't imagine Dad running away like this.

Leaving his father to die? Even I wouldn't do that.

And I'm America's bad boy.

It's a heartbreaking situation.

[ Chuckles Slowly ] - Am I dead yet? - No.

- How about now? - No! - Now? - I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.

- Thank you.

- [ Grunting ] Phew.

I'm not worthy to live among civilized people.

[ Men Coughing, Murmuring ] Even those guys look too civilized for me.

[ Seagull Squawking ] [ Gasps ] I can live at sea! The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains.

I hate them so much.

[ Wind Gusting ] - [ Men Groaning ] - The sea won't stand for this.

Excuse me.

I'm fleeing in shame, and I'd like to look my best.

Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably first mate.

Well, if you look closely, you'll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship.

Oh, I like taffy, but I don't deserve taffy.

[ Ukulele ] - Hey, hey! - What's that? Krusty here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program.

Last laugh? So, how about that hospital food, huh? I wouldn't know.

I'm not allowed to eat.


Well, let's have a look at the old chart.

Oh, boy! Ooh, looks like we're both short on time.

So I'll go to the big finish.

[ Singing ] [ Ends ] Feel better.

Come back, Doctor.

[ Horn Blowing ] A tramp steamer! That's perfect! [ Grunting ] [ Groans ] I'd like to apply for a job.

Any job.

If you don't have a captain, I could be that.

Arr! What other ships have you been on? I've been on that one.

The taffy shop.

Good enough.

[ Both Grunting ] Welcome aboard the ship of lost souls.

The name on the back says Honeybunch.

Yarr, I've been meaning to paint over that.

Now come and meet the rest of the damned.

Did I mention they're lost souls? - Well, actually you did.

- Yarr, yarr.

[ Ship Creaking ] [ French Accent ] Ah, another lost soul has joined our world-weary ensemble.

- Hey, who are you guys? - [ Laughing ] Who are we? No one.

Where are we sailing? Nowhere.

Do we even exist? Who knows? Hey, let me off this thing.

[ English Accent ] Oh, don't listen to him.

We exist all right.

We wander the seven seas trying to forget.

- Forget what? - Oh, boy.

Here we go.

My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet.

If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go.

I don't want you walking around during my story.

My story's better.

It has tigers.

- [ Concertina ] - I was born into wretched poverty.

So one day I stole a loaf of bread put it in the freezer until it was very hard, then robbed a bank with it.

[ Gasps ] And when Mr.

Dinkley saw what I had done I was banned from the car wash forever.

Forever? How awful! I would have killed Dinkley for that.

As you can see, we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers.

Come, stranger.

Join our circle of infamy.

Tell us your story of ennui.

Well, back on land my name was Homer Simpson.

And I guess it is here too.

I promised my dad one of my kidneys but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed.

- Good Lord! - Oh, how could you! - I think I'm going to be sick.

- I stole this accordion from a blind monkey.

But you! [ Spits ] You disgust even me! - Well, yeah, I know- - [ Grunting ] [ Screams ] - [ Horn Blowing ] - That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.

[ Coughing ] Even the sea won't forgive me.

That's the best sand castle we've ever built, Dad! We make a great team, Son.

Oh, I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father.

[ Sniffs ] Or my kids.

Well, I guess it's up to me to take the first step.

- [ Crying ] - Hey! [ Woman On P.


] Dr.

Bombay, come right away.

All right.

This is it.

No more living in shame.

I'm going to show my family the kind of man I really am.

[ Whimpering ] All right.

I'm gonna- [ Whimpering ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Machine Beeping ] Aren't you going to give him the last rites? That's Catholic, Marge.

You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.


Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grampa.

Larry Hagman took it.

He's got five of them now.

And three hearts.

We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.

Don't worry about old Grampa.

I'm going to a better place.

- Shelbyville Hospital! - [ Alarm Beeping ] Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a goner.

[ Homer ] No,you're not, Dad.

- Homer! - Dad! - Son! - I'm sorry, Dad.

The way I behaved was shameful.

I guess fear made me run away.

But love made me come back.

Bless you, Son.

I knew you'd come through for me.

Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit, but- - Oh, son of a- - [ Panting, Whimpering ] Oh, dear.

[ Screaming ] Phew! Boy, that- Ow! - [ Homer Groaning ] - He's waking up! Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right.

[ Groaning ] Try not to move, Dad.

You swallowed a lot of motor oil.

I'm sorry I ran off again.

Oh, I guess Dad must be dead by now.

When I get better and after I've built those shelves for the kitchen, we'll visit his grave.

Grave nothin;! I never felt more alive.

! - [ Laughs ] - [ Bones Cracking ] Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.

It's a miracle! You recovered! [ Nervous Laughing ] What? What? Hey! While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.

You butchers! Give it back! Give me that- [ Laughing ] Na-na-na-na-na-na! Don't you dance out that door, you- I'll get my kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime.

I know you're a little peeved at Grampa, Dad, but you've done a wonderful thing.


You've shortened your life significantly so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Give me a hug.

Ah, I don't need two kidneys.

I have everything I need right here.


[ Laughing ] Dad, you're tickling me.

Yes, tickling.

Hmm? - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!